Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to shul. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew away his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away to the point where he could not catch up with it.
A young man, a goy, witnessed the event. Being more fit than the rabbi, he ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and extremely grateful. He gave the young man five dollars and put his hand on the young man's head and blessed him.
The young man was very excited from the tip and the blessing and he decided to go to the racetrack and to spend his five unexpected dollars. After the races, the young man returned home and recounted to his father his very exciting day at the track.
"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100:1-the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the five dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this must be a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened: the long shot horse without the slightest chance even to show came in first by 25 lengths."
"You must have made a fortune," said the father. "I sure did, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds were 30:1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I bet all my winnings on this horse." "What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I collected big money."
"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked the excited father. "No, said the son, "I lost it all on the following race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau so I bet everything on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all had started with the rabbi's hat. The horse broke down and came in last."
"You are really stupid and ignorant," said the father. "Hat in French is chapeau not chateau. You lost all this money because of your poor study habits that have led you to ignorance. Tell me, who won the race anyway?"
The young man replied, "A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamalka'."
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample," the officer replies.
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death," the driver says.
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line," the policeman says.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to walk. "
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, labs, and midterm that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed the exam.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend planning to come back that evening to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the specified time. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy," Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points):
Which tire?
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferrari's, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!'
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Johnson! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood. He lives at 156 Green Street."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll check it out."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Johnson's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. Shaking their heads in disgust, they leave the scene.
The phone rings at Johnson's house.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
(Be sure to read through to the bottom...)
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
***Addendum***
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the copilot. The copilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the copilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the copilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that section isn't going to New York..."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you retard. Someone has stolen our tent.".
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was furious so he fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar.
When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died.
He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message." He opened the note and read..
"Get off my friggin' oxygen tube!"
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said,"From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"