---My Mom
"My Mom IS having an affair...with my Dad!"
---Andrew
"For some God forsaken reason I'm in a good mood."
---Bernadette
"This should be 'be-nice-to-Emily-day', she just got her ass sliced."
---My Dad
Me: What, does rain make people more stupid?
Dad: Yes. It brings out the stupid in people.
Me: What doesn't bring out the stupid in people?
Dad: Death.
"After you complete the next task, you get a used condom."
---Ben
(playing Zelda on Nintendo 64)
"It's got recycled nipple butter."
---Ben
"There is never a platonic relationship between a guy and a girl...ever!"
---Devon
"But it's such good crotch grabbing!"
---Line
(watching the 'Moulin Rouge' video)
"Yeah, as your roommate I wish you were a strapping young man."
---Line
"Hannibal...*gasp*...he's evil...cool!"
---Nell
"Eat death!"
---Line
"I like Pizza Hut. They're always coming up with new places to hide cheese. 'Hmmm...where will we hide the cheese this time?' Oh Pizza Hut...when will you learn?"
---Me
"Actually it smells a little bit like incest."
---Line
"Eventually I'll bite my way through the wall."
---Line
"I wanna fuck a wicked whore cock all day long."
---Line
"Suck that saggy flesh!"
---Line
"I wouldn't trust Steve with string."
---Joe
"Curious George is frolicking among your bosoms."
---Line
"We'll spit on him until he drowns!"
---Laura
"Now I can afford to die!"
---Line
(talking about how cheap airline prices are)
"Oh you're a miracle worker! Why don't you go to the Middle East and see if you can get that peace thing worked out?"
---My Dad
"We can wear ham-like clothing!"
---Me
(don't ask)
"Go away Mom. You're intruding on my thoughts of cock."
---Line
"Emily...everyday is Orgasm Day."
---Line
"I don't have boobs. I have tiny flesh sacks."
---Line
"My Dad told me not to go. I think he was afraid I'd be gang-raped in the audience by a bunch of homos."
---Jake
"Back in my homosexual days, many was the time I'd have to say 'Is your big throbbing manhood in my taut rectum yet?' And he'd say 'Yes'. Then I said 'Oh'. Then he said 'Oh'.
---Jake
"You're dying in the way that Jake's not a jerk. Meaning...not at all."
---Nell
"Tar-ot? Tarot rhymes with carrot! Like bunnies! Like us!"
---Me
(making fun of bimbos getting their tarot cards read by Ms. Cleo)
"Stop crying you flesh entity."
---Chris
(as a robot)
Nell: My mouth feels funny...
Kat: Why? Because Jake's not in it?
"Laura is a religious freak without God."
---Kat
"Excuse me...do you have any food that'll give me explosive diarrhea? Yeah thanks I'll take that. And a coke."
---My Dad
"I took my shirt off and they STILL wouldn't come over!"
---Marilyn H.
(trying to get customers to switch lines at work)
"Oh good. It's always nice to have a Jewish person with me."
---Nicole
Stupid Customer: Got fresh coffee?
Me: Yes.
SC: Can I get one?
Me: What size?
SC: Black.
"Life sucks when your nose is bigger than your foot."
---Gary
Line: This is sex.
Me: No it's butter.
Line: Butter IS sex.
Me: Buttery sex! ..... That sounds messy.
Line: So is sex.
"I'm a non-practicing slut."
---Me
"Yeah Bananer sounds too cutesy for a young nerd. He'd be called something like...HeadSmasher."
---Line
"Well in the beginning it's frustrating. But in the end, it's all very frustrating."
---Nick
(talking about post production)
Me: How would I be able to walk if I had sex with 316 boys every day?
Kat: It's called 'your body adjusts'.
Line: See? Listen to Kat...the veteran whore.
"I don't know...there ARE certain advantages to a guy that only comes up to your waist..."
---Nell
Me: Orli got you distracted?
Kat: You know me too well. If only I hadn't thrown that dildo away...
"Hey now! Put your dildo away! There will be no poking tonight, missy!"
---Tracey
Kat: Yeah so I'm stalking someone now.
Laura: Is it a boy or a girl?
"One of these days we'll play chicken into actually having sex. And then where will we be?"
---Line
Kat: Dude, why do you shave your legs?
Line: Because sometimes I'm naked with someone for long periods of time.
"I can't spell your name, so your name is Gerard DePar-Frog."
---Line
"Just stay away from Orli, he's MY territory...I pissed all over him."
---Kat
"In the second floor bathroom in Landon, there was a sign about masturbation. It made me think of Line."
---Kat
Me: Are you a happy kitty?
Kat: I'm as happy as a pussy on a rug.
"And no I'm not giving God a blow job!"
---Kat
"Stupid girls never learn. Once your boyfriend is a zombie, he does not love you. He wants to eat you. And not in a fun way."
---Me
"Are you excited? You can do everything now except run for President and have sex with minors."
---Laura
"Where's his crotch? Oh that's right, I already ate it."
---Kat
"Chach plus sex equals hmmmm..."
---Line
"I want to eat part of a cow."
---Dave Rowe
Me: A movie about a guy who gives up sex for 40 whole days. Whatever will he do?
Mom: Talk to the hand.
Me: Huh?
Mom: Think about it.
"I just peed in the dark!"
---Ian
"I can deal with not getting pussy. Cock is a very good replacement. Not to mention ass, which can do everything a pussy can and it's less messy."
---Line
"Stop volunteering me for sexual favors, dammit!"
---Me
"My tits are not evil!"
---Kat
"Actually, I'd choose the orange straw. It'd be a nice, subtle contrast to the iced tea."
---Line
Jake: Well, I'm glad you didn't get raped.
Nell: ... Yeah, me too.
"That sounds like something Martha Stewart would say. The straw thing, not the rape thing."
---Me
"Well, I'm not getting any here, and my roommate is back in my room so..."
---Jeff
"I'm the only one of the lesbian threesome that doesn't have a man."
---Kat
"Oh come on, what do I want an Orli apartment for?"
---Me
"You haven't lived until you've been attacked by a jizz mop."
---Zack
"Everyone has socks. Except maybe Jesus."
---Sean
"It all blends together in a big orgy of Gunsmoke."
---Professor Rob Hahn
"Staring contest with Emmy equals shooting fish in a barrel...with a bazooka."
---Line
Kat: If you die you can always float over Dom. Dude! You can follow him in the shower!
Me: Well, duh.
"Dom's ears are bigger than his ass cheeks."
---Kat
(not true by the way)
"I'm thinking about Dom's nose and Kat's thinking about Orli's "NOSE."
---Me
"I think Dom's nose is cute! His nose. Not his "NOSE."
---Me
"Can you leave me out of your sexual fantasies please?"
---Laura
"I think every story should end with Kat and Orli having wild monkey sex."
---Me
Laura: Pinocchio.
Kat: Oh dude, I hope so! I hope every time he lies his "NOSE" grows!
"Kat is one big innuendo."
---Laura
"Dude, you're sucking the power out of my crotch."
---Line
"You can put a dress on a midget, but it's still a midget."
---Dave Rowe
"If whatever girl I was with wanted me to have a shiny penis, I'd shine it up for her!"
---Jeff
Line: I can't figure out what plant my fleshy blue fruit came from.
Me: Maybe it came from a teletubbie.
Line: ... What an odd thing to say.
Me: ... I know.
"This is why Kat and Orli would be great together. The Obsessive Horny Dork and the Horny Little Bastard. It's a perfect match!"
---Me
"I just can't take it! I want all the hobbits to be gay! Is that so terrible??"
---Dana
Me: I'm a bad influence on you, aren't I?
Dana: But it's sooo ok, because you give me porn stories with Dom and Lij!
"Now you're giving me the hard stuff. You're like a drug dealer!"
---Dana
"Stop! I don't want my bread to bake!"
---Me
Kat: Jake was so sweet the other day...
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Say that again?
"You need to stop hanging around animals and geometric shapes. You hang out with a cat and a line."
---Ben
"Oooh. I got attacked by the vagina."
---Kat
"I wonder what it'd be like to masturbate with a beak."
---Kat
Kat: I couldn't even attract a dead frog.
Me: Sure you could!
"We need men who aren't males."
---Kat
"I can hear the ocean. It smells like peanut butter."
---Dave Rowe
"With your new PeoplePC you can find all kinds of kiddie porn!"
---Line
Me: That's not even computing for dummies! It's computing for dummies who have dummies as pets!
Line: I think it's computing for people who say things like that.
"Fi, has Tracey got you raping people now?"
---Robin
Me: So how are you Nell?
Nell: Well, I'm bleeding little chunks of mucus...
Line: Pot to kettle - you're black!
Nell: No she isn't! She's Jewish!
