---Marilyn B.
"I want to take his headlight and shine it up his butt."
---My Dad
"This guy is the biggest smacked ass I've ever seen!"
---My Dad
"It's not a model shoot here, it's a fucking dick on a pear."
---Ben
"NSYNC, I want to stab myself in the crotch."
---Ben
Ben: Did I make the book? Oh did I?
Me: Yes, and you turned English.
Ben: Oh good. Two things I always wanted to do.
"The early wood catches the snatch."
---Gary
"I hate old people, for real!"
---Steve
Marilyn H: Hello, what would you like?
Me: I thought you said, 'Hello, welcome to life.'
"I think my nipples have frozen and fallen off."
---Nicole
"Asswipes for everyone!"
---Gary
"Emmy, I don't know if you realize this, but cute guys don't grow in England."
---Kat
"If I ever meet Dom, I'm gonna ask him if he holds a magic feather will he fly too?"
---Kat
"I looked down and there was a Rubik's snake between my tits!"
---Kat
(paraphrasing me)
"I totally missed the part where we started having phone sex."
---Me
Gary: He needs mental help.
Me: You need mental help.
Gary: Yeah but I won't deny that.
Me: He's 6!
Gary: Better age to start at.
"Welcome to Dairy Barn. Fuck you."
---Gary
"This is why we have kids. To torture them emotionally."
---My Mom
"Dammit Ari, your name doesn't have enough holes!"
---Jess
"At first I thought they were gonna start beating the crap out of each other, but then I realized they were just doing Moses impressions."
---Ryan
Camper: Ooh! A fuzzy caterpillar!
Counselor: Leave it be. It looks happy.
Camper: It looks dead.
Counselor: Maybe it's happy being dead.
"I should file Park cards or hang myself with an XLR cable or something."
---Nell
"It's like when you join a fraternity and get raped by a horse."
---Gary
Me: Shaken not stirred.
Gary: Shake your nuts there?
"Speaking of cream all over your face, whatever happened with that guy?"
---Gary
"Oh, you think you got me on that one? ..... Shit!"
---Bernadette
Ryan: That's it. I'm taking away the pretend sex.
Erin: Noooo! Not the sex!
"I am an absurd invitation to chaos."
---Ryan
"What this song? Twist my balls?"
---Ben
"Who do you think is prettier: Jenifer Aniston or the girl who plays Rachel on Friends?"
---Dave Rozen
"Get out of my song you whore."
---Ryan
"Hey Ryan, when I was making that sexual comment to you, did you see where I put the lollipop?"
---Erin
"Stop playing with the thing that hangs between my balls."
---Ryan
Me: I wonder if we can go 5 whole minutes without thinking something dirty.
Line: You said hole.
"I love kitties but I can't play with my own pussy."
---Kat
"You know what bananas remind me of? Tempting danglers."
---Line
Me: We need to get some men. Manly men.
Kat: Aka...dildos.
Kat: You know, I haven't grabbed Noelle's ass in a while.
Jake: I have.
"I could dissect a cat faster than you can figure that sentence out."
---Kat
"You just go back to breaking Emmy's bed so she can sleep with you and I can masturbate all night."
---Line
"No, he's probably out having gay sex with Tom."
---Nell
"His wooden swan can dive in my pool any day."
---Kat
Kat: Quit butt fucking me!
Me: I couldn't butt fuck you even if I wanted to.
"We're living at the intersection of shit and hell."
---My Mom
Me: I bought a pumpkin today. It's all cute on the kitchen table.
Kat: Next to the three-way dildo?
"I'm gonna go nair some parts. I'll be back in a bit."
---Me
"I can't really explain it...but he's really annoying and stupid."
---Rose
"What the hell happened here? I touched myself and I'm wet?"
---Kat
Kat: Millions of caterpillars, caterpillar for me.
Me: Isn't it peaches?
Kat: No it's caterpillars because those are the ugly things that live in my dorm.
Me: ... What, students?
"Dude, you know how well a monkey can masturbate with you?"
---Kat
Me: You scared the crap out of me.
Kat: Good thing you were sitting on the toilet.
"So what were you talking about the other day when you were talking about whatever you were talking about?"
---My Dad
(drunk)
"That's why I don't go in strangers' hot tubs, it's like one big penis cappuccino."
---Alex
Kat: We can get together and castrate them both!
Me: It'll be a double header!
Kat: Put it in! Put it in! Put it in!
Me: That sounded dirty.
"That's right, I lie in bed and stroke the pussy for hours."
---Kat
Kat: No kitty, no dildo, no man...what's a girl to do on a Saturday night?
Me: You have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Have fun.
Kat: You know I can't get myself off.
Me: I hope that's not a request for me to help you out, because we've had this discussion before.
Professor Cynthia Savaglio: Is porn ever a waste of money?
Eric: No.
Jason: Can you smell what the Schwartz is cooking?!
Barren: Latkes.
"It was the longest I ever made eye contact with a beautiful man before and I was gonna throw up all over myself."
---Rose
Rose: Sorry! I didn't know you were so fragile!
Me: Yeah, well, I am!
Rose: Yeah, well...your Mom is fragile.
"Do my boobs count as props?"
---Yassmina
Me: Thank you, God!
Mom: Um, excuse me?
Me: I mean you. Thank you.
Mom: And?
Me: Thank you! So really just thank you twice.
"Next year I'm getting lights to put in my bush."
---Me
"If there were a God, he'd be named Manos."
---Zack
"I don't have a type. I'll stick my dick in anything."
---Zack
"Smell them, they're British!"
---Zack
(talking about panties)
Me: You know Jake?
Zack: Oh, that asshole who thinks he's funny?
"No! I'm a badass, really!"
---Zack
"French guys aren't the manliest guys. They're more like, 'Look at my scarf!'"
---My Dad
"Oh, Christina Aguilera! She's already got her clothes off, fantastic!"
---Professor Ian Green
"Hey Mike, how's your wiener doing?"
---James
"I love how when they say, 'May I help you?' they really mean, 'What the fuck are you doing here?'"
---My Dad
"Oh I am so full...but I could be more full."
---Olivier
Garrett: My Band is not a bunch of sluts! So let's make that clear!
Me: But Jeff is the lead singer.
"Well take care of your STD, then get over here!"
---Garrett
"I didn't do anything! I just want some cheese!"
---Brooke
"What is film? Is it image? Is it sound? Is it a mixture of image and sound?"
---Professor Ian Green
(in a french accent)
Maureen: I wonder when Pablo's cycle is.
Erin: His cycle?
Me: Like when he menstruates?
"I have this! ..... Oh, it's mine."
---Erin
"God is not doing anything for you now. Leave him alone, you need food."
---Anna
"PORN! Porn, porn, porn! Wow, sorry, got carried away there."
---Professor Ian Green
John: I wanna be a ballet dancer now.
James: I wanna go out with a ballet dancer.
John: I wanna go out with you as a ballet dancer.
Ken: I guess I'm the butting of the heads.
Jerry: What did you say? You're a butthead?
"You could not fit any more wiseasses in this room."
---Ethan
(at the Serviss family reunion)
"If you go to bread before H you should be fine."
---Mike W.
"It's like putting 5 condoms on at once."
---Zack
Mike W: How many soldiers are there in a troop?
Me: 52. No wait, that's a deck of cards.
"We were talking about cock...and now I miss Andy!"
---Zack
"Are you trying to suck my ass?"
---Professor Ian Green
"My hands are all sticky. Damn white stuff."
---Me
"Cockhead! Cocksucker! Shithead! I love saying those words, it makes me so happy."
---Daniela
"Avoid work at all costs. Take money from your parents, lovers...steal!"
---Professor Ian Green
Jess: Oh, are you going to the bathroom? Wait, I'll come.
James: Awww, that's so cute!
"You're always on your knees!"
---Elena
(to Tom)
