---Me
"Apparently I have a hair o'clock 1 appointment."
---Me
Me: Are you gonna write her back?
Ben: Yeah! I am! Then I'm gonna inject insulin into my ASS!!
"Why are you trying to rape me with a swizzle stick?"
---Me
Mom: All the gassy people. Where do they all come from? All the gassy people...
Ben: Stop eating Fiber One.
"Sushi is better than an orgasm!"
---Brad
Brad: Think about it. They're called meatBALLS.
Me: So? It's not like hot dogs are called pork penises.
Brad: I'm gonna open up a pork penis stand when I get back to Cleveland. "Pork penises and meatballs! Get 'em while they're hot!"
Me: Don't serve them with alfredo sauce.
"But that's the fun of the quote book! Being as dirty as humanly possible! Hence why Kat and Line are in it so much."
---Me
Me: I missed you two silly cunts!
Nell: I resent being called silly.
"Have you considered prostitution? There are plenty of drunk, rich guys...you can stand on the corner of Rogan's. They can get their pizza, beer and you, all at the same time!"
---Kat
"He has the hot dog, you have the buns...no I don't want to hear about it."
---Kat
Don: Brb...fucking dog.
Me: You'll be right back because you're fucking your dog?
Brad: Did I whet your whistle yet?
Me: My whistle is wet. ..... You know? That just didn't sound right.
Me: Hey look, it's your store!
Ian: Dick's! I love Dick's!
Me: So you ARE gay?!
Ian: You're putting words in my mouth!
Me: I'm putting words and dicks in your mouth!
Brad: Have you ever heard of BJ's?
Me: ..... Is that a trick question?
“Stop that! They're Carebears! They're a-sexual!”
---Me
Me: Stop! I'll break them!
Nell: But that would be punishing Kat!
(them = fingers)
“Colm Wilkinson is the Sean Connery of the stage.”
---Nell
“Awww...the theme song for unloved girls everywhere.”
---Me
(listening to “On My Own”)
Nell: So where'd you go to dinner?
Nell's Dad: K-Mart.
“What day of the time are you gonna be there?”
---Brad
(drunk)
Zack: Tell them to suck your big, black cock.
Me: I don't have a big black cock. I don't even have a white one.
“I wish I didn't remember some of the shit I did when I was drunk...like Alison for instance.”
---Frank
“You bring out the asshole in me.”
---Ian
Ian: He has a penis shaped nose.
Nell: Well, he just said it's a good piece of wood.
(watching “Pinocchio”)
Me: Whoa, where is that finger going?!
Nell: Not far enough.
“Have you ever had a beef stick? ..... No, really!”
---Nell
Me: You think Jeff has an inner gay boy?
Nell: Maybe more of an outer gay boy.
“Whoa, I'm not a lesbian! I just like to attack women!”
---Kat
“Did you just touch my flower?”
---Me
Ang: You need to just turn off your brain for a little while and see what happens.
Me: I'd probably bang into walls and drool a lot.
Me: Who am I gonna tell?
Mom: Ghostbusters!
Me: No, that's who am I gonna call.
Allan: Tell your mom to turn on the light.
Alex: She says to turn on the light in your ass.
“Every time I hear this song I want to make a clay pot.”
---Alex
(listening to Unchained Melody)
“Oh it sucked! It made me long for September 11th.”
---My Dad
(talking about the power outage)
Me: Why'd you close the door? Ben'll be home soon.
Dad: That's why.
“All these ballet dancers dancing around on their toes...why don't they just get taller girls?”
---Pop-Pop
“Jesus told me so...and Mom-Mom...but I'm not gay!”
---My Mom
(don't ask because I have no idea)
Patrick: Rory has more frags than a bottle of losers.
Me: I have no idea what that sentence means.
Patrick: Neither do I.
Rose: I have to tell you! I have a boyfriend now!
Me: Does he know?
“What was the name of the play? 'You're A Bitch, Charlie Brown'?”
---Rose
Ian: One of these days I'm gonna see your boobs.
Me: My, how ambitious of you.
“So how often do you sit on this couch and wonder how many times Ian jacked off on it?”
---Kat
“Why would they remake Psycho? It's like going, 'Hey! Let's repaint the Mona Lisa!'”
---Dad
Me: Why do people eat steak & eggs at breakfast?
Dad: Well they tried steak & cereal, but it never really caught on.
“Kids, tired of drinking alone? Halibut is your friend!”
---Lee
(drunk)
Rose: If I had less inhibitions, I wonder what I'd do.
Me: Or, WHO you'd do.
“I'm going to make a stop motion of me taking a dump.”
---Nell
Me: You don't still believe the stork brings babies, do you?
Nell: No, the stork fucked my mother in a cabbage patch, she gave birth to a head of lettuce and out came me.
“Mmm...monkey rape.”
---Nell
“Hey, you don't have to have clothes on to come visit us.”
---Kat
Nell: I've seen more anal sex than I could ever imagine.
Kat: And that's just you and Jake on Saturday night!
Rose: That car is really hideous.
Me: Yeah. It's almost like the owner went, "Gee, my car is a really ugly color. What can I do to make it worse..."
(gold car with red stripes)
Me: That's one of the drawbacks to living alone, not much human interaction.
Line: Not that you got much interaction living with me.
Me: True.
Kat: Hey, at least I didn't start humping your leg.
Me: I wouldn't put it past you.
Line: Yeah, I wouldn't put it past you either.
Line: Well then I might as well have a boy in the US so he's easily accessible.
Me: What is he, an ATM? You want to make a withdrawal?
Laura: Or a deposit?
“We'll all die from the hideous anus!”
---Kat
(4/5 people heard anus)
“He fights like a girl, but with man hands.”
---Line
“Do you know how fun it is to read about Alan Cumming in magazines? 'Cumming in the Metropolitan Musem of Art! Cumming at the premiere! Cumming in Spy Kids!'”
---Line
“Hump the wall. Hump everything. I don’t care.”
---Me
Nell: Kat, that was the most erotic moment of my life.
Jeff: What does that say about Jake?
Nell: I think it's more of what does that say about our friend Kat here.
“I can't remember what happened 5 minutes from now.”
---Line
(drunk)
“Line is dying on me and Kat is grabbing my tit, I can't deal with this.”
---Me
“You're fingering my finger.”
---Kat
“Nell, get over here so Kat can grab your tit and not mine.”
---Me
Nell: Emmy, do you have a question for the class? Emmy, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Lemme tell you about my brother.
Emmy: Patty!
“I've been licked, bit and squeezed at the same time and yet I'm not happy.”
---Me
Line: I love orgasms in the third floor Williams bathroom because its a single.
Me: Is that where we filmed your film freshmen year?
Line: Yes! It's my masturbation station!
“Your toilet paper gave me a chapped pussy.”
---Kat
“Kat only molests you if she likes you and respects you as a human being.”
---Nell
“I'm sorry, Jake distracted me with funny. What did you say?”
---Line
“Orgasm comes when you can read code.”
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
“You guys all lust after these cameras. You want to fuck your big, heavy cameras.”
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
Juan: I still have to send you an email.
Professor Patty Zimmerman: Yes you do, you lazy fuck!
“This is the last time I'll be a Senior! After this year I'll just be a person!”
---Me
Jake: Yes, I want to fuck my film camera.
Juan: I prefer the small DV cameras because they can fuck me.
“The end of the world...brought to you by Gino's.”
---Matt
“Here on Frequency, we make your eyes and ears bleed!”
---Paul
“If I could have only one friend in the world, it'd be a rock & roll pumpkin.”
---Paul
“Hey, remember the Washington DC sniper? That was fucked up!”
---Steve
(drunk)
“You can't hurt yourself swimming. Unless you drown. But you won't drown because you know how to swim.”
---Joyce Carol Oates
“I would watch him in a swamp!”
---Line
(re: Vincent D'Onofrio)
Me: Oh, I thought you said Captain Corgan.
Line: Yeah, it's the new spin-off project for the Smashing Pumpkins.
Me: He is DAMN good at getting bras off. He had mine unsnapped in like, a nanosecond.
Kat: It's Ian, what do you expect?
Me: Sorry, I didn't mean to poke your butt.
Rose: Hey...I kinda liked it
“For a weird hick who works in a convenience store...he was kinda cute.”
---Nell
Line: Let's do this thing!
Nell: Let's fuck this dog!
“It's like s&m silverware.”
---Laura
Line: Your eyes are brown.
Nell: Brown is the color of poo.
Me: You're not pregnant, are you?
Rose: I hope not, because then I'd be having Jesus.
Laura: The moral of the story is, don't be friends with people.
Me: Unless you want to kill them
“Would you get off with my bra??? ..... That didn't come out right.”
---Me
“Doing a shot of rum is like swallowing a scarf.”
---Me
“I'm like a latter day Socrates, so that's why I gotta keep on being a bitch.”
---Line
Me: Do you swear on Nell's ass?
Kat: Whoa, we're getting sacred here
“Nell, do you wanna go upstairs and help me change?”
---Kat
Kat: Emmy, can you make your boobs more accessible?
Me: They're already on the front of my chest, how much more accessible can they get?
“If you're happy and you know it squeeze Emmy's boobs! HONK HONK!”
---Kat
Kat: Emmy, do you remember when I would try to grab your boobs and you wouldn't let me near them?
Me: Yeah, that’s back when I was smart.
Kat: You have to grab with feeling!
Nell: Kat, that's because I'm not REALLY a lesbian.
“So I had to clean up my own vomit the other day...”
---Evan
Kat: Grabbing tits is my hobby.
Ian: Mine too!
Kat: We should start a club!
“I don't know why people name their sons Justin. Why don't they just name them douche-bag?”
---Evan
“My ass is wet thanks to you.”
---Evan
“Let's play nipple war!”
---Kat
“Yeah my penis is the girth of a thigh.”
---Ian
“I'd appreciate it if you'd stop toeing my butt-hole.”
---Ian
Kat: He tried heimliching me.
Me: Oh, is that what you call it now?
“Ian, you've done everything... how does the anus feel?”
---Kat
“He's also a bag filled with douche.”
---Evan
“And you put your toes inside my brother's rectum. I usually hold that against people.”
---Evan
“You've got a case of rectum toe if I've ever seen one.”
---Evan
“Can't we all just move into the bathroom so I can not move off the toilet and still be entertained?”
---Kat
“The worse thing is a girl with a friend.”
---Evan
Nell: We should all masturbate in front of a huuuge Ian.
Ian: Okay!
Me: Is she my twin?
Ben: Who knows. She's shorter than you though. Which means she's 3 feet tall.
Line: Something wacky's happening.
Nell: Must be Corey Feldman.
Me: I forgot how cute he is in this movie.
Nell: Yeah, he's so cute you want to smack him upside the head. With a 2x4.
(watching “Gremlins”)
“Jesus Christ, this pen is wider than my dildo. "
---Kat
"Look! It's a strong-willed African American woman!"
---Line
"I think you're cute. ..... Awww, I didn't mean to say something nice to you."
---Line
"Things will suck over time. Then they stop sucking and you move on. Sometimes things are the opposite entirely of sucking and that is very good."
---Dad
(drunk)
Mom: I thought of you last night because I killed a really big spider.
Me: That's sweet?
Dana: Actually Dana is my middle name. Ryan Dana. And I'm an 18 year old boy.
Me: So Jon is gay?
"I'm so angry I could shit myself."
---Matt
Lee: Are those dead chickens?
Steve: Yeah. They're Pepperidge Farm's.
Lee: ..... Don't they make cookies?
"England doesn't have weeks because they use the metric system."
---Lee
(drunk)
"Look at those nipples."
---Lee
(re: the guy in "28 Days Later")
"I wanted to be Cleopatra's vagina for Halloween, but I thought of it too late."
---Ben
"Persuasion...sounds like an ethnicity. 'Are you Korean? Japanese?' 'No, I'm Persuasion.' "
---Me
Me: Shall we?
Rose: Let's shall.
"How many times did you have to suck your Daddy's dick to get that car?"
---Kat
Line: I think it's her Dad kissing a llama.
Me: No, it's my Uncle kissing an alpaca. Close.
"Huh, huh. He's a Governor."
---Line
(watching "Total Recall")
Me: Now I'm feeling all...
Line: Gay?
Me: Yeah, a bit.
Line: Happens to me all the time.
Me: When we're drunk I...
Line: ...wear less clothes?
Me: No, I feel less pressure to...
Nell: ...be dressed?
"She called the cops on us because we had a sliding door."
---Line
"Alas, poor Yorick...I knew him in a biblical sense."
---Laura
"Let's make a doll the size of a man...and stick our dicks in it."
---Jared
"It's not cheating if it's with your elbows."
---Jared
"I don't think my pelvis has ever shaken. But I've certainly had a lot of orgasms."
---Line
"Can I say something? ...... You stupid fuck."
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
Jeff: I think I have to change my entire lifestyle.
Me: So you're going to become a homosexual?
Me: It looks like you're fucking my chair.
Jeff: Well, when you haven't been with a girl for a while...
"Currently you are being targeted by my Special Ops Force with the Zimmerman Lasers Of Tomorrow."
---Curt
Nell: But you don't understand. He's got connections!
Me: Fuck his connections! Right up his pompous asshole.
Nell: Too tight. Wouldn't fit.
"Oh snap. We still have to bake mad fucking muffins."
---weird cartoon
Julie: So you understand what to do?
Mike: Wait, so you put the envelope in the thing?
Julie: No, you put the folder in the envelope.
Mike: Ohhhhh. See I'm a Senior in college, but I didn't quite get that.
Patty's Son: Why aren't we sad that Trinity died?
Professor Patty Zimmerman: Because it's a bad movie.
"I'm like a Peanuts character for Christ's sake."
---Steve
Me: Lee wants to see your dance.
Steve: Lee's seen my dance.
Lee: Yeah but I haven't seen it with your clothes on.
Steve: That's true. Last time I was head to toe in seran wrap.
"Please don't curse in front of the cricket."
---Garrett
"Does pizza exist?"
---Ben
(speaking Japanese/English)
Waiter: Would you like another martini?
Me: No thank you. ...... He's trying to get me drunk.
Ben: Holy crap. What happened?
Dad: We had dinner.
(re: the bill)
Me: Which song is it?
Dad: I don't know. All the titles are like, "Yeah!" and...
Ben: "Whoa!"
Ben: Yeah I'm afraid of giant stuff. Like giant midgets.
Me: Giant midgets? Isn't that just people?
"See that mist up there? That's Niagara Falls. I think. Unless it's a power plant."
---Dad
"I don't want to eat gum that has sex with other pieces of gum."
---Ben
"I can't believe I'm hanging out in a bar with my kids. That's like...child abuse or something."
---Dad
Dad: My left ear is still ringing.
Me: Want me to scream in the right ear to even it out?
Dad: Hilarious is one of those words that sounds like what it means. Like someone doubled over laughing, "Hilarious!"
Ben: Yeah. Same thing with heart-wrenching diarrhea.
"They should make cocaine for kids."
---Ben
Ben: It's amazing, I was in a coma while I was conscious.
Dad: Yeah, for the last 19 years.
Ben: Hey, that's, um...yeah okay.
"Mine was as dry as a constipated baby's dump."
---Dad
"Dating is just the ritual of going to dinner with someone with the possibility of mating."
---Nell
"We're going to see fun stuff today. It's all illegal. Every last fucking image."
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
Brad: Are we watching porn? You said it was illegal...
Professor Patty Zimmerman: Brad, your mind is X-rated. No, we are not watching porn. If you want porn you can make it yourself.
"We're going to the strip club to see Lee's mom...who's coming?"
---Steve
"If you were handed a business card that said, 'Bobo The Clown: Stupidity At Its Finest,' what would you do?"
---Bill
"I'm not a male chauvinist pig or anything, but I know for a fact that girls love giving blowjobs."
---Steve
"He should jerk off before he comes to the show."
---Lee
"If there was just an audio recording of tonight, people would think we're Challenge Industries."
---Steve
Nell: Emmy, I can smell your drink all the way over here.
Chris: It smells like fairies.
Me: Yeah, you don't see many Germans and Mexicans hanging out together.
Jake: Sure you do.
Me: Where?
Jake: Germexico.
"You can't just wipe off a bleeding anus!"
---Nell
Me: I'm getting a little disturbed by the whole bleeding anus discussion.
Jake: Don't like the heat? Get out of my anus.
Laura: I've been downloading songs by this artist named Gackt. He's Japanese, a vampire and claims to be 400 years old. ..... His name isn't really Gackt.
Jake: Really.
Nell: You gave her a bush!
Me: I was trying to give her balls.
"I killed an ostrich to make my sweater! Weee!"
---Me
Me: Yeah, you're so not a bitch.
Rose: Did you just say I'm your bitch?
Jake: Hey everyone.
Nell: Huh? What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over your shirt.
"She just needs a nice, abusive father to straighten her out."
---Jake
"That sounds like a great inspirational card. They have them for everything else these days. 'Sorry your goldfish got flushed and it wasn't really dead.' 'Congratulations on finding that lost sock!' 'Good luck on your next bowel movement!"
---Mom
"I don't know why, but this duck reminds me of Matt LeBlanc."
---Kat
Me: Oh shit, I forgot to buy batteries.
Laura: Batteries? For what?
Me: My CD player for the bus ride.
Laura: Suuuure they are.
Me: Were you pregnant?
Nell: No, Kelly got locked out of her car.
(re: coat hanger)
Kat: You should get a Kermit The Frog tattoo. It'd look really cute on you.
Me: That is the most random compliment.
"I want you to know I'm being good. I have markers and flesh. Markers and flesh. But I haven't done it."
---Kat
"No don't put that lame picture on your fridge. Then everyone will ask, 'Who the fuck drew that? A 2 year old?' And you'll have to say, 'No, my 21 year old friend Emmy. She's partially retarded.' "
---Me
"I'll spit down your ass cheeks."
---Kat
"So what train are you going to miss?"
---Dad
Me: Do you have batteries?
Mom: No, I operate manually.
Me: Can baby Mario run on spikes?
Ben: No one can run on spikes. ..... Except baby Mario.
Mom: Food is so expensive.
Dad: And poop is so cheap.
"Now I have lights for my bush!"
---Me
"It's lucky I have a gigantic ass to catch the phone."
---Kat
"I kept stroking it and eventually it looked like Matt LeBlanc."
---Kat
Nell: I'll only get up if I start drinking.
Kat: Did you say you'll start stripping?
Nell: Drinking.
Kat: I heard stripping.
Nell: Why are you slurring my speech before I do?
"Your boob almost went in the cake. And you know I'm gonna have to lick it off."
---Kat
"He looks like a monkey. A retarded monkey."
---Line
"I might be impregnated, but I still have my ear hearing."
----Me
(drunk)
Me: I'll grab your tit.
Line: I'm wearing a push-up bra so it would actually be possible for once.
Kat: I wanna hold your hand.
Line: I wanna fuck your hand.
"Emmy, are you gonna give him your flower?"
---Nell
Line: Everyone thinks I'm a gay boy.
Me: I can see that actually.
Line: I've been thinking of making a tarot deck all based on binary numbers. ..... It's not funny! It'd be cool!
Nell: It's not funny! I'm a geek!
"You can have tofu, vegetables, druids..."
---Line
(misreading 'fruits')
"Nell's boobs are communal property."
---Kat
"Your leg is my boyfriend."
---Line
"He's the meanest Buddhist you'll ever meet."
---Jake
Me: I can only think of 2 guys at the moment who I don't have crushes on. Not counting anyone related to me.
Kat: You want your brother. You know it.
Me: EWWW!!
"Getting better is so exciting! It's almost worth being sick."
---Laura
Me: I don't know if I trust you with a needle and my flesh.
Garrett: How about just your flesh?
Garrett: Your dad is hilarious! Can I borrow him?
Me: Only if you promise to give him back.
Garrett: Damn, I knew there was a catch.
Me: You're trying to steal my dad!
Garrett: I'm trying to borrow him! There's a difference.
"I bet if you were Santa's lover you'd get some pretty good presents."
---Garrett
Garrett: Who is this and what did you do with Emmy?
Me: I turned her into a puppet
Garrett: Awesome. Can you mail her over here? I want to play with her strings.
“I've never actually tasted ass, but I'm sure if I did try ass someday, it would taste like my detox tea.”
---Me
"Why aren't the lights on in your bush? They should be, now that I'm here."
---Kat
Me: I wish there was a foot rest here.
Matt: I wish there was a beer dispenser in the dining hall, but it ain't gonna happen.
Me: I'm glad you want me.
Laura: How could I not? It's the revealing clothing you wear.
"Your quotebook has become a way of me figuring out what I did on various weekends."
---Line
"It's like an arm goiter."
---Line
Kat: Emmy, you'll have to replace Nell, so then Laura will replace you.
Line: Who will replace Laura?
Me: We'll have to get a new friend.
"It's so sad you guys are finding new people for me to molest."
---Kat
Brad: I think we should set the room back in order.
Mike F: I think we should set the room on fire!
"I'm a guy. I have a built in breast size comparer. It's on full time. I couldn't turn it off if I wanted to."
---Ian
Me: You suck.
Kat: Hey, it's Christmas!
Me: Okay, you suck merrily.
Kat: Yeah, well you suck Merry.
"I really would be such a slut if I was only.......a slut."
---Me
Ninja: When I first met you, I thought you'd be all, "Please don't curse!"
Me: Really? That's so fucking funny.
"I'm so happy I could fuck everyone here."
---Ninja
"Help me...hump you."
---Ninja
Me: Something smells like oranges.
Ninja: It's my coochie. I'm in blossom.
"I want you to stick your boat in my ocean spray."
---Ninja
"I think there should be sex referees. I think people would enjoy that."
---Me
"Drunken sex feels so good. I'm playing with my asshole as we speak."
---Ninja
"Syphilis...the gift that lasts a lifetime."
---Jared
Kat: I have a penis.
Jared: Can I see?
Jared: Kat has a penis.
Nell: Who's?
"Well baby, once you go down Jared Lane, there's no turning back."
---Jared
Radu: It's getting more difficult to...
Me: Speak in English?
Radu: Speak.
"Wait, all I have to do is pretend to have sex with you and you'll get off? ..... I didn't say that right."
---Me
"There's nothing like washing down contraceptives with alcohol."
---Nell
"Put your horniness down!"
---Radu
(drunk)
"I've never been a drunk guy with an erection."
---Kat
"It's a harem in my mouth and everyone's invited."
---Jared
"Yeah, I really love man ass."
---Ian
Kat: Stop kicking me or her boobs will get squeezed.
Me: Yeah, that's really gonna get him to stop.
Ian: There's a difference between grabbing boobs and massaging boobs.
Kat: I don't do it for her pleasure, I do it for her pain.
Ian: That's the difference between you and me.
"I used to envision the Chip & Dale characters shoveling food out of my stomach. That's how I pictured my stomach functioning. "
---Colman
Kat: So when are we gonna have sex?
Me: You mean like, you and me together, or you separately and me separately?
Ben: It sucks so much donkey foreskin.
Me: Ewwww! Just the foreskin?
"I showed them my famous asshole."
---Kat
"Now everybody is going to have hot sex with me."
---Tim
(hot sex = drink)
Kat: No man on man sex on my bed.
Nell: But on Caroline's bed is okay?
Me: What did you put in it?
Kat: Poison and spit. And a little cunt juice too.
"It's the Jared spectacular of t&a!"
---Nell
"Emmy has tits that should be Kat's playground."
---Kat
Me: Where did Gepetto go?
Jared: Up your butt!
"With those glasses on you remind me of a kid I knew in high school. But he didn't wear glasses, so that's weird."
---Me
"Obsessing is just the wimp version of stalking."
---Laura
Me: My bed is calling to me.
Kat: What's it saying?
Me: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"
Ninja: My friend taught me this game where you take a movie title and switch one of the words with "penis." So instead of "Lord Of The Rings," it'd be "Lord Of The Penis."
Me: Oh, I get it. ...... "Along Came Penis."
Ninja: "Teacher's Penis."
Me: "Cold Penis!"
Ninja: "Chasing Penis!"
Me: "Big Penis!"
Kelsey: You guys are really dirty.
Me: What was your first clue?
Ninja: Penis?
"You're welcome to have input on your cleavage size, though, if you want. It's okay, they're public domain."
---John
Me: Awww, thank you snookums.
Ninja: Awww, you're welcome...donut.
Russell: What's poppin'?
Ninja: My cherry.
Russell: ...... Right now?
"They're about as trust worthy as my asshole."
---Ninja
Ninja: Six is your change.
Me: I thought you said, "Sex is your change."
"If my girlfriend tried to lick my asshole, I don't know what I'd do."
---Russell
"I read some of my evaluations over break. 'What did you think of the professor?' 'She was a bitch.' 'She thinks she knows everything.' 'She doesn't care about us as human beings.' ..... This is all true."
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
"I don't want to be married anymore. It supports Bush."
---Professor Patty Zimmerman
Lee: "Safe Sex Party?" I'm so not going to that.
Me: So, is it like an orgy with condoms?
"You don't have to be a lesbian to have sex with a female."
---Kat
"She has an unbelievable hobbit detector."
---Line
Line: There's a lot of tits tonight.
Me: Yeah, tits are in this year. And backfat is out.
(watching Golden Globes pres-show)
Ian: You know how you love those dicks. ..... Ducks.
Me: Nice typo.
Ian: Thanks. It was a Freudian typo.
Professor Nonas: You'll all grow during this class.
Flem: Except me. I'll just get stupider.
"That should be the title of your script. 'A New Millenium For Gay Robots.' By Michael 'Flem' Flemming."
---Tim
Kari: Aren't you supposed to be sweeping?
Russell: That's a woman's job.
Me: HEY!!! ..... Our job is to be in the kitchen.
"I'm gonna get paid to go pee!"
---Kari
"Movies, Wegman's and hobbit sex. Our night is complete."
---Me
Me: I'm getting an older man fetish.
Kat: I'm getting an any man fetish.
"The great thing about being a DJ, is you learn how to take a dump in under 3 minutes."
---Brandon
"I got to have sex with a soap dispenser. You stick it up there and it ejaculates. It's blue and foamy."
---Kat
"One of these days I'm gonna go home and answer my phone, 'Regal Cinemas, how may I help you?' And that's the day I'm gonna quit."
---Kari
"Hang this day on the wall!"
---Kari
Kari: He's quitting.
Russell: Why's he quitting?
Kari: I think he's getting married.
Russell: Is his wife getting married too?
"I'm in a good mood because you didn't strip."
---Laura
Laura: Yes, you not stripping is the best present you could have gotten me.
Kat: Well, damn! I could have gotten off cheap!
" 'Script, script, script, script.' That's the sound of someone walking in snowpants on a humid day."
---Ben
"Who takes their girlfriend to a porn store on Valentine's Day??"
---Kat
Professor Patty Zimmerman: When you bring tours in here, don't call me Patty. Call me Dr. Zimmerman.
Tour Guide: That's not the image we want to promote. We want students to think you're accessible and not scary.
Professor Patty Zimmerman: But I'm NOT accessible, and I AM scary!
Me: So you guys are close, huh?
Russell: Yeah, we're like brothers. But not like, West Virgina brothers.
Normal brothers.
"The way I figure is, the more guys you have crushes on, the better the chances of one liking you back! ..... Hasn't worked yet, though."
---Me
" 'Ring, ring!' 'Hello?' 'I'm invisible!' "
---Rose
Russell: Have you seen a Phillips Head screwdriver?
Me: Yeah, I shoved it up your ass.
Russell: Um, I think I would have noticed. And cried.
Russell: Buckle my buckle.
Me: Did you just say, "Buckle my butthole." ?
"Next week we're gonna see the real Facists...the Nazis! I like them in their
little outfits."
---Dr. Zimmerman
" 'Scarlet Tide' is a good song, even though it sounds like it's about menstration."
---Line
Line: You look kinda like The Critic. ...... That's not a bad thing.
Me: That's not a bad thing? You're saying I look like a female cartoon version of Jon Lovitz, and that's not a bad thing?
Rishi: She was kinda hot as Holly Golightly.
Line: What? That's Audrey Hepburn.
Rishi: So who died?
Line: Katharine Hepburn.
Rishi: Oh, I don't care then.
"It's been a blowjob kinda night."
---Line
"He's too lazy to be gay."
---Chris
"It's like eating your own shit, but somehow you get money."
---Ben
"Glen Head. Glen must like that."
---Kat*
Me: Kat's pretending she doesn't grab my ass everyday.
Kat: That's not true! I don't see you everyday.
"I have the right to drive in my car, and run over your body with it."
---Dad
(in a French accent)
"Incest by itself is okay, but guy on guy incest? Nooo."
---Ben
"Mom's under the impression that I like these. But they taste like rubbery dead animals."
---Ben
"Maybe I'll suffocate her and sit on her with my ass."
---Kat
"Please take my bra. I don't have breasts anyway."
---Ben
(playing Zelda)
"So he was driving his giant dick and we crashed and died."
---Ben
"Hey I got an idea. For the next couple days, why don't I say fucked up shit and you write it down."
---Ben
Me: Well, he' almost 50.
Ben: No he's not, he's 47! ..... Oh shit, he is almost 50!
Kat: You's one of the most beautiful people I know.
Me: You must not know that many people.
"Thieves could come in, steal London, replace it with Boston and no one
would notice."
---John
Me: It's from a Broadway show.
Russell: It's a wet dream?
Russell: Where's my dad?
Me: Up your ass.
Russell: My dad is like, 6'1, 200 pounds. That's rough up my ass.
"Tell him to play something we can have sex to."
---Kat
"He looks good outside of his clothes. ..... That didn't come out right."
---Me
Kat: Hey Laura, I like your socks.
Laura: Go jump off a cliff.
"Your pick-up line should be, 'I have a fire in my bush. Wanna put it out with
your hose?' "
---Kat
Kat: My eye is drying out.
Me: Want me to lick it for you?
"If I get scared will you hold my boob?"
---Kate
John: I would pay so much money for the wedding photos. Especially if you
were both 80.
Me: I think I'd be 81 and he'd be a corpse.
John: A big cheruby one.
(re: John Rhys-Davies)
"It's not really a conversation, it's more me making fun of you."
---John
Mike: Ben's my friend.
Me: I'm not your friend?
Mike: Ben does things for me and to me that you could never do.
Ron: Leave Ben alone, he's trying to sell combos.
Ben: Do you want a combo?
Ron: No.
"I've got an asspocket full of fireworks and Saddam Hussein's a fuck."
---Steve
(singing country)
"So we pulled up in the car and saw a guy peeing on a tree and I was like, 'This must be the place.' "
---Colman
Kat: If I'm gonna work harder, it's gonna be to get my hands on your boobs.
Me: And you wonder why Jeff thinks you're a lesbian.
"You're like a little kitty detective."
---Me
"You had me at worms."
---Me
"I'm trying but I can't find the hole!"
---Kat
Kat: Emmy, if Rob is inside I'm gonna make out with you to make him
jealous, okay?
Random Guy: All right!
Me: See what happens when you say things out loud?
"Diseased monkey cock...sounds kinda like Feliz Navidad."
---Ben
"Jessica Simpson is so annoying and has such a big mouth. She should put a dick in it to shut herself up."
---Random Girl
"He told me I can come play with it. It being his cat. Otherwise that
sounded wrong."
---Kat
Ben: I've never had lobseter, is it good?
Me: Yes.
Dad: Except when it's bad, then it sucks.
"Frodo Baggins is my name. Hackey sack is my game."
---Ben
Dad: For dessert we'll have funnel cake, which leads to...
Ben: Diarrhea?
"Waiting for the med reat course."
---Dad
(drunk)
Dad: So we've been in this place for 4 hours?
Me: It hasn't felt that long.
Ben: Well, you were drunk.
"Excuse me, ma'am, could you get out of the car and blow into the tartar sauce?"
---Dad
"They invented a machine to extract shit from a cat's ass so you don't have to. It's called 'the asscatcher.' "
---Ben
"Drunk family going to the movies!"
---Ben
"Hour and a half later and I still feel a little drunk!"
---Me
"It's all happy and fun and nice until male genetalia shows up."
---Laura
Me: Laura's boobs are like, holy and pure. They have little halos around them.
Kat: Those are called nipples.
"Yeah, I give good smile."
---Ben
"You can never have too many euphamisms."
---Me
"After tonight you will be a violated man."
---Kat
(to my brother)
"The hand secured firmly around the buttcheek, with fingers stretching towards places fingers should not go."
---Sarah
Me: Is she biting your ass?
Nell: No! She's licking it!
"Kat, honey, I just wanna let you know that I'll hold your hair back but that doesn't mean I'll like it."
---Sarah
"I didn't smell like tuna fish for 3 days though."
---Kat
Me: Last time, we all had hot sex together.
Ben: Wait, what?
"I'm the one that everybody fucks."
---Tim
"I am not a plant today."
---Ben
(drunk)
"Stop humping my sister til I'm out of the room!"
---Ben
"It's like a pencil made out of ink."
---Ben
"I was hoping to see a cloud vagina. I'm very disappointed."
---Ian
"Win tickets to what? The Bumblefuck Philharmonic?"
---Esi
"Then the Special Edition came out and I leaked liquid shit out of my pants for three weeks straight."
---Ben
