| W.O.L - Warehouse of Love *Rameses is sleeping in his bed when all of a sudden the Negaverse Lair theme goes off - the music, the lights, the whole she-bang* Rameses: Damn blast it...The Terrible Two up *this* early? *He gets out of bed and switches on the monitor* N.L - Negaverse Lair *Negaduck is seated in front of the monitor with Megavolt wandering about in the background, eating his breakfast* Negaduck: Good morning Ram-head! I'm sure you and your cohorts are just ITCHING for the newest experimentation! Rameses: *yawns* What is it this time? The Attack of The Rubber Pizzas? Negaduck: The true granddaddy of them all *laughs* "Reading This Could Change You Life!" Rameses: Uhg... *Megavolt makes several funny faces behind Negaduck's back* Megavolt: *looks into the monitor* The worst in the "get rich quick" series! *takes a bite of a slice of toast* This toast is too burnt...Yuck...*wanders off screen* Ammonia Pine: *offscreen* BREAKFAST'S READY! *The gang rush to get their breakfast while Rameses remains standing in front of the monitor* Rameses: If you don't mind it, I've got to have my breakfast...*leaves to eat breakfast* Negaduck: Oh...Very well...Enjoy the spam sandwhich! Hahaha! W.O.L - the gang eating breakfast at the dinner table. Just as they are in the middle of eating, the spam sign goes off. Rameses: We've got Spam Sign! Frollo: At this early in the morning? Door Sequence 7...6...5...4...3...2...1... *everybody takes their seats* Scar: What did you say this was again? I do wish these 'experiments' came with guide books... >READING THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Frollo: Does that answer your question? >I found this on a bulletin board and decided to try it. Rameses: Put that down! You don't know were it's been! Steelbeak: Kids these days...*shakes head* Frollo: Children are lazy these days. Why I had to - Scar: Walk ten miles to and from school. >A little while back, The Liquidator: Little Johnny ate a toad and promptly became ill. He later died. Frollo: The toad was then caught by Animal Control and later euthanized. >I was browsing through newsgroups, just like you are now, Rameses: Which explains why we're sitting in this theater! >And came across an article similar to this that said you could make Rameses: Scar, don't... Scar: *ignores Rameses* Wild and passionate love on St. Petersburg Beach, Florida during daytime in tourist season! Rameses: SCAR!!! Scar: Whaaaaaaaat...? It just came out... >thousands of dollars within weeks Steelbeak: Whoop-de-doo. >with only an initial investment of $6.00! The Liquidator: I became more rich than Bill Gates himself! Scar: *as Martha Stewart* And that's a good thing! Rameses: *shudders* Don't ever mention Martha Stewart in my presence... >So I thought, Rameses: Letting Moses' people go was the best choice. I mean after July he's just going to bring them back for the big friendly, family get-together... >Yeah right, Rameses: *angry* I will not be dictated to! Scar: I will not be threatened! Steelbeak: *as Rameses* I am da mornin' and evenin' star! I am Pharoah! Rameses: And don't ever forget that! >this must be a scam, The Liquidator: Well if it smells like a scam, sounds like a scam, it must be a scam! Steelbeak: *as an old woman* You horrible, horrible man, you! Wait 'till I get a lawyer on you! >but like most of us, All: *sings* We are family! >I was curious, so I kept reading. Rameses: In the library were I later met up with Belle. >Anyway, it said Scar: That I failed Grade Nine. >you send $1.00 to each of the 6 names and address Rameses: I smell a scam... >You then place your own name The Liquidator: As opposed to the name of your local Drycleaners. >and address in the bottom of the list Frollo: That I simply will not and never will do this again! >post the article in at least 200 newsgroups. All: Hmmm...Nah. >(There are thousands) Steelbeak: Upon thousants of angry customahs demandin' an end of the production of sporks! Heh-heh-heh-heh! Rameses: *childishly* Awe but I like sporks! Scar: Too bad, baldy! *slaps his head; creating a very cartoony "smacky" sound* Rameses: Ow! >No catch, that was it. The Liquidator: No more sporks. It was a very sad day for the spork factory. >So after thinking it over, Scar: I decided to confess my secret to my wife on the Jerry Springer Show! >and talking to a few people first, Rameses: I decided to buy the paisley. >I thought about trying it The Liquidator: Remember, you can always ask for a full refund! >I figured Steelbeak: Dat not a whole lotta people will fall for this so I gave up. >what have I got to lose Rameses: I'm thinking 10 pounds or so... >except 6 stamps and $6.00, Scar: I was penniless! >right? Scar: Uh, right. >Then I invested the measly $6.00. The Liquidator: Hey, you invest your measly $6.00 and I'll invest mine! >Well GUESS WHAT!!... Rameses: Silly me fell for it! >within 7 days, I started Frollo: To become violently ill. Scar: And I sued! >getting money in the mail! Rameses: Was the best thing that ever happened to me since puberty! >I was shocked! Steelbeak: Think nothin' of it! All guys go through da same thing! Don't be embarassed. Frollo: You can always talk to me about it, son. I've been through the same thing... >I figured it would end soon, Frollo: Sadly, it's only the begining. Scar: Daaamn... >but the money just kept coming in. Rameses: *hysterically* And the whole neighbourhood became jealous and my wife murdered me! Frollo/Scar/Steelbeak/Liquidator: Huh? Rameses: Never mind... >In my first week, I made Frollo: A beaded necklace to go along with my rings, watches and bracelets. The Liquidator: Which were also beaded! >about $25.00. Rameses: Was the price of that doggie in the window. >By the end of the second week Scar: I ate my pet musk oxen as a last-ditch effort to survive in the Arctic Circle. >I had made a total of over $1,000.00! All: *clap* >In the third week I had over $10,000.00 Rameses: Which made me the richest man in the Universe! >And it's still growing. Rameses: *shuts Scar's mouth shut* Scar: Mff! The Liquidator: Aaaaand growing! >This is now my fourth week Scar: And I still can't decide if I should eat Twinkies or not. I'm quite happy with my Joe Louie's *imitates Steelbeak's laugh* >and I have made a total of just over $42,000.00 and it's still coming in rapidly. Rameses: The problem with these writers is that they make things sound too good to be true. It's turning people away. >It's certainly worth $6.00, and 6 stamps, Steelbeak: *sings* And Seven pairs of pajamas! Rameses: *sings* Eight golden sporks, Frollo: Nine wooden spoons! The Liquidator: *sings* And one filled up Inbox! >I have spent more than that on the lottery!! Frollo: Is that so? *sarcastically* Congratulations. >Let me tell you how this works and most importantly, why it works.... Scar: Idle manipulative hands inside a devil's workshop. Frollo: Gleefully fooling the naive! >Also, make sure you print a copy of this article NOW, so you can get the information off of it as you need it. The Liquidator: *as a naive customer* I'll do that right now! Sounds great! >I promise you that if you follow the directions exactly, Steelbeak: We'll find dat gas station even though dere's another one right around da corner! >you will start making more money than you thought possible by doing something so easy! Scar: Just like so! >Suggestion: Frollo: Please go away, you fail to humour me. >Read this entire message carefully! Scar: But what If I don't want to? >(print it out or download it.) Rameses: *laughs* Starting to get a little pushy here, aren't we? >Follow the simple directions and watch the money come in! Frollo: Just like so! >It's easy. The Liquidator: Just as 1-2-3! >It's legal. Steelbeak: Uncut and commercial free! >And, your investment is only $6.00 Rameses: And six stamps! >(Plus postage) Frollo: *through clenched teeth* Yes, motherrrr... > IMPORTANT: Scar: *as the author* Stop reading immediantly! Throw into the nearest trash recepticle. >This is not a rip-off; Rameses: Please cut along dotted line. >it is not indecent Steelbeak: To run naked through the sprinklers between 5:30 and 7:35 PM. >it is not illegal Frollo: To call me "Bob" The Liquidator: Alright, Bob! Frollo: Infidel... >and it is virtually no risk - it really works!!!! Rameses: Just add water! The Liquidator: *horrified* Hey! >If all of the following instructions are adhered to, Scar: You will not be executed on Monday but will be on Thursday. >you will receive extraordinary dividends. Steelbeak: And a gif' certif-i-cate to McDonald's! Heh-heh-heh-heh! >PLEASE NOTE: The Liquidator: If you develop the following symptoms, immediantly shoot yourself in the foot! Rameses: Which is what I'll be doing very soon if this crap doesn't end soon... >Please follow these directions EXACTLY, and $50,000 or more can be yours in 20 to 60 days. Scar: *as a customer* All I got is a lousy five cents! >This program remains successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants. Steelbeak: Also the gen-e-ral naiveness and stupidity of the said partici-pants. Rameses: Darwinism at it's best... >Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions. The Liquidator: Call today! >You will now become part of the Mail Order business. Frollo: Forced at gunpoint no doubt. >In this business Scar: We send this trash to over 200 newsgroups and get placed in the killfire, making ourselves the most sucessful business around! >your product is not solid and tangible, Frollo: That's it! I'm going to ask for a refund! >it's a service Rameses: Brought you by Cannon! >You are in the business of developing Mailing Lists. Steelbeak: Ehh...Not me babe. >Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for quality lists. The Liquidator: While others are laughing their way to the money bank to pay big bucks for inferior lists! >However, the money made from the mailing lists is Scar: Stolen from the Bank of Montreal! >secondary Rameses: School homework is not fun. Especially when you're 35. Scar: When I went to Pride Rock Secondary I had the highest amount of detentions of any in the first year. Steelbeak: Minor niner! Heh-heh-heh-heh! *Scar reaches over and hits Steelbeak* Steelbeak: Ow...*moves over to the next seat* >income which is made from people like you Frollo: Makes me sick! >and me asking to be included in that list. Steelbeak: Pisses me off even furthah! >Here are the 4 easy steps to success: Rameses: *Southerner* Fry mai lil' ol' ass and call me Cindy-Lu! > STEP 1: The Liquidator: Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. >Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each piece of paper Scar: Dear Santa Claus...All I want for Christmas is a one-way train ticket to Hell so that I can free myself from this prattle... Steelbeak: We'll second dat! >PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST. Rameses: *yells* USING ALL CAPS LOCKS IS THE VERY BEST WAY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. Frollo: I got rid of the Caps locks on your computer, Rameses. Rameses: *horrified* You didn't? Frollo: I did. >Now get 6 US $1.00 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 pieces of paper Steelbeak: Uh...How much would dat be in Canadian? The Liquidator: Uhhhg... Rameses: You know, I really have to start giving you guys math lessons... >(to prevent thievery) The Liquidator: Use The Club! >Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes Scar: But have you seen how big the Sunday Sun is? I'd really like to see someone put one of those in. Rameses: Considering how small those envelopes are now are it's amazing how you can actually place a Christmas card in one. The Liquidator: Never underestimate the envelope! >and seal them. You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, Scar: Pitiful. Just...Pitiful. >each with a piece of paper stating the above phrase, Frollo: Remember the Alamo! >your name and address Scar: *simpleton* Duh...I'm Scar, eh? I'm on 333 Main Street East, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Duh-huhhuhhuh... Rameses/Frollo/Steelbeak: *moan* Scar: Well it wasn't that bad... >and a $1.00 bill. The Liquidator: Will get you everywhere! Rameses: I can't even get the paper for a dollar now. >What you are doing Steelbeak: Oh what does it look like we're doin'? Same as before. Damn. Sitting down in this crappy theater bein' forced to read this shit. Jeesh... Rameses: *fed up* I am going to have to talk to you after this about your mouth! You, too, Scar! Steelbeak: Oh as if yours is any cleanah! Scar: *offended* Oh and I'm sure FROLLY and Waterboy never swear. >THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! Steelbeak: Surrrrre...And I'm Rob Paulsen! >You are requesting a legitimate service Frollo: Which is intended for adult viewers. The Liquidator: Viewer discretion advised! >and you are paying for it! Steelbeak: *chuckles* Oh am I know? Rameses: Can't get any better than Viewer's Choice, Pay-Per-View! >Like most of us I was a little skeptical Rameses: When I first watched Seseme Street. I thought it would be a good show for my son. >and a little worried Rameses: When Big Bird came on screen. It was then that I stopped letting him watch it. >about the legal aspects of it all Steelbeak: Don't get me involve wif the red tape, babe. I don't swing down dat route. >So I checked it out with the U.S. Post Office (1-800-725-2161) Scar: Which would be completely useless to us as we're in CANADA. >and they confirmed that it is indeed legal! Scar: Like I said, the rules that apply to the US differ from Canada's. Frollo: *facepalm* Oy... The Liquidator: Where spam is prohibited except in the Yukon! >Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses: Steelbeak: *rolls eyes* Oh boy dis is gonna be fun... >#1)>Gordon Gaskins The Liquidator: Alberta's top drummer since 1960! >2506 Grove Way #4 Steelbeak: Hey, isn't dat the street dat Bushroot lives on? The Liquidator: No...No...You're thinking of Groove Way... Steelbeak: Heh... > #2)Karlene Springall Rameses: *sings* Sprinall, Springall, lit-tle star... Frollo How I don't care who you are! > #5)Gary Leech All: Ewwwwwww! >STEP 2: Frollo: Talk to rocks. Which I'd rather be doing than sitting here... >Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) Rameses: Yeah, well...Later. I have to watch the rest of Oprah! >and add YOUR Name as number 6 on the list. Steelbeak: *whines* But what if I don't wanaa be be number six? *childishly* I wanna be number t'ree! >STEP 3: Scar: Rinse, lather and repeat! >Change anything you need to Frollo: Whilst trying desperately to resist the temptation to throw this in the fireplace. >but try to keep this article as close to original as possible. The Liquidator: Too late! If you bought from The Liquidator you'd get quality, fast and friendly service! >Now, post your amended article to at least 200 newsgroups. Scar: Yes, sir! *salutes* >(I think there are close to 24,000 groups) Steelbeak: Try 50,000...Heh-heh-heh! >All you need is 200 Rameses: No reason to get testy with us, but we want to post it to 400 groups! You seem to have a problem with that... >but remember, Scar: It's *our* little secret! >the more you post, The Liquidator: The more brownie points you'll receive! >the more money you make! Rameses: *rolls eyes* The richer you become. > This is perfectly legal! Frollo: As legal as loitering! >If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18 Sec. 1302 1341 of the Postal lottery laws. Steelbeak: Well, pal. It's under da Criminal Code of Canada as unsolicited mail... >Keep a copy of these steps for yourself and, The Liquidator: Do not use as toilet paper! >whenever you need money, you can use it again, and again. Frollo: And again! > PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of Scar: Viewers like you! >the honesty and integrity of the participants Rameses: Is painful. >and by their carefully adhering to the directions Steelbeak: Dey finally found out what Wildcat's been smokin'! >Look at it this way. Scar: *as Rafiki* Look haaarder... >If you are of integrity, The Liquidator: It means you have a lot of credibility! >the program will Rameses: Cease to exist. >continue Rameses: Argh! >and the money that so many others have received will come your way. Frollo: *sing* There can be miracles... Scar: When you belieeeeve... > NOTE: Steelbeak: Oh but Sir! *whines* We already jist wrote a note! Rameses: *as an old man* Quit your bellyachin' boy and git to work! >You may want to retain every name and address sent to you, either on a computer or hard copy Frollo: So you know were they live and you can stop over to visit them when you are in their neighbourhood. >and keep the notes people send you. The Liquidator: Including flames and dire F.B.I warnings! >This VERIFIES that you are truly providing a service. Steelbeak: What's da mattah with ju? Ya don't trust us? >(Also, it might be a good idea to wrap the $1 bill in dark paper to reduce the risk of mail theft.) The Liquidator: Just say 'no' to larceny! Steelbeak: Darkwing Doofus does dat dark paper trick all da damn time... > So, as each post is downloaded and the directions carefully followed, six members will be Rameses: Awarded with an all-expenses paid trip to Pirate Island! Scar: Were Don Karnage is more than happy to rob you of your valuables and butcher the English language. Steelbeak: Hey, he's a pirate. He don't need no credentials! >reimbursed for their participation as a List Developer with one dollar each. Steelbeak: Well ain't dat da truth!? >Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the #1 position you will be receiving thousands of dollars in CASH!!! The Liquidator: Hence the term, Pyramid Scheme! Rameses: You know my father mentioned something about Moses being involved in a pyramid scheme once. But I had no clue what he meant...Thank you, my watery friend! The Liquidator: Think nothing of it! >What an opportunity for only $6.00 ($1.00 for each of the first six people listed above) Scar: *breaks into song* Oh what a circus! Steelbeak: *joins in* What a show! >Send it now, add your own name to the list and you're in business! Frollo: She did nothing for years! Sing it to me now... > ---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------ The Liquidator: Please hang up and try your call again! > Step 1) Steelbeak: Fall asleep. >You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own posting. Rameses: Because there's a thing called "cut and paste"! The Liquidator: The greatest thing since sliced bread! >Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this letter and drag your cursor to the bottom of this document, and select 'copy' from the edit menu. Rameses: Well, that always works, too. >This will copy the entire letter into the computer's memory. Steelbeak: *sarcastically* No kiddin', eh? I didn't know dat. > Step 2) The Liquidator: Dress up as the Easter Bunny for Christmas! > Open a blank 'notepad' file and place your cursor at the top of the blank page. From the 'edit' menu select 'paste'. This will paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that you can add your name to the list. Steelbeak: Get on wif it... > Step 3) Rameses: Take over the world! >Save your new notepad file as a .txt file. Scar: I prefer saving them as .bmp's but whatever floats your boat *shrugs* > Step 4) Frollo: Choose me...Or the killfile! >Use Netscape or Internet explorer and try searching for various newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, discussions.) Steelbeak: You know ya don't even hafta try. The stuff's right dere unda yer shnooze! > Step 5) Scar: Marry your neighbour's dog! > Congratulations...THAT'S IT! All: YES!!! >All you have to do is jump to different newsgroups and post away Rameses: There's nothing more fun than playing a game of online leapfrog! Steelbeak: *on the edge of a mental breakdown* Spam...Spam... Rameses: Calm down, Steels, we're almost done...*massages his shoulders* Steelbeak: *purrs* I'm calmin' down... Rameses: There, you see? What a little shoulder massage can do... >**REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE!! BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200** Frollo: *singsongy* Welcome to the Center of Redundancy...Hello you're there! >That's it! Scar: That's it? Let's go, then! *starts to leave* Rameses: *grabs him by the tail* Not yet... Scar: Ohhhh...*sulks and sits back in his chair* >Out of 200 postings, say I receive only 5 replies Scar: Poor baby! >(a very low example) Rameses: Kids, the moral of the story is this - life of a spammer isn't easy! >The thing to remember is: The Liquidator: Spammers are an endangered species and it is illegal to kill one! >do you realize that thousands of people all over the world are joining the internet and reading these articles everyday? Steelbeak: Of all dose people on da innernet, how many do yous think actually read these scams? I mean, get wif da program here! >JUST LIKE YOU are now!! Steelbeak: Ugh...We're being FORCED to read it... Scar: There is a difference... >So, can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?? Rameses: No, we're too cheap. >I think so... Rameses: *holds his head in shame* I'm a disgrace to my family... >People have said, what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the money? Scar: I'll rip them a new one, that's what I'd do! >So what! Scar: BITE ME! >What are the chances of that happening Scar: Get your ass down here and you'll find out! Rameses: Scar, that'll be enough of that. *The lights turn back on* The Liquidator: *chants* It's over, it's over, it's over... *All exit the theater* Steelbeak: Oh man, what a headache... Scar: *through clenched teeth* I was just gonna tear him limb from limb! Rameses: Scar, it's over...*pats him* Phantom of The Opera theme - *Rameses sighs and switches on the monitor* Negaverse Lair - *Negaduck sitting at his desk* Negaduck: Oh, but it's never over! Never! Never! Never! Hahahah! *looks over to the left* Dipswitch, gimme that report... Megavolt: Yes, sir...*fearfully hands it over to Negaduck who snatches it away* Negaduck: *reads it then looks back at the screen* Well, well, Rammy, I'm impressed. You managed to go through the entire experiment without a single intermission. I think all the experiments should go this way. W. O. L - Scar baring his teeth and snarling at the screen. Scar: I hate you... Negaverse Lair - Negaduck: *grins* Good, I'm glad. W.O.L - Steelbeak: *is holding Scar's tail to prevent him from jumping into the monitor* Uhh...*nervously* Heh-heh-heh...It's been a bad day fer him... Rameses: He...Didn't get enough sleep... Negaverse Lair - Negaduck: *snaps his fingers* Megs! Megavolt: Hrm? Negaduck: *points at Scar* Megavolt: Oh..*points his finger at Scar and gives him a good jolt* Hahahhahahahaha! *A loud yelp can be heard in the background. Megavolt folds his arms and smiles proudly, looking more like an idiot than anything* Negaduck: *whacks Megavolt with a broom; growling* Oh, piss off! *Megavolt whines and obeys* W.O.L - Rameses: *shrugs* Alright...*starts to walk off* I know when I'm not wanted... Negaverse Lair - *Negaduck is now sitting in front of the monitor* Negaduck: Not so fast, brother of a man who talks to plants! Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower! Megavolt: Hahahahaa...Ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower...Hahahaha...Good one, Negs! *as he pounds the desk laughing he accidentally zaps Negaduck who promptly starts beating the living daylights out of him* W.O.L - Rameses: *folds his arms across his chest and watches with a smile* Impressive. Steelbeak: *files his nails* Eh... Rameses: *looks around* Uh...Were's Scar? The Liquidator: Somewhere over the rainbow! Scar: Here, wishing that I wasn't... Negaverse Lair - *Negaduck is now sorting through his filing cabinet. He picks out a moldy sandwich with tweezers and tosses it aside* Negaduck: Megavolt, did you leave a MOLDY SANDWICH in my filing cabinet? Megavolt: *nervously* Uhh...No...Why did you ask? Negaduck: BECAUSE I just found one rotting away in my filing cabinet! Rrrrrrrr! *he promptly gives Megavolt a good thrashing and accidentally shuts off the electricity that connects to both the Negaverse Lair and to the Warehouse of Love W.O.L - Scar: *as Garfield* Nice touch... |