me and my thoughtless rambling...

it is obvious that the whole world is oblivious to the fact that there are other people on this earth too. maybe if they had to suffer they would then know too what it was like to be on the outside.

no i'm not reffering to the song by arron lewis but that song is for the people that are on the outside. the loser people you see always alone or with their own little group. the people who live their lives in a hole. a hole of depression because everyone causes them pain. i mean some people like it but come on why can't you be nice to us? oh wait for those stupid posers that like that song too...that song has a meaning and obviously you don't understand it...you guys are idiots.

i guess a lot of people don't understand what it's like to not be accepted by the "in" group. as i would like to call it now. i was accepted once until i started finding the true me. and i have my real friends to thank for that. they helped me find who i was. they helped me find what i really am. it's sad when you live your life following other people like sheep. they follow the flock like they were raised to do. i'm so glad noel has joined them. she was my best friend until she had to go and tell everyone she didn't even consider me one of her friends and that supposed "god" was her best friend. she was trying a tad bit too hard to impress people. (we all know who) well look at her now. those friends of hers fucked her over again they let her get caught up in a bad situation...i wonder who she'll be running back to now. probably her mommy who seems to always save the world. but how long is she going to be there to protect you? not very long. but nope she won't be comming back...not to me sorry...i'll pass i think that perhaps she rocked my boat a few too many times.

well as of today i have decided that i would like to go to Berklee in Boston Massachusetts. i know it seems crazy but still....i wanna go....!!!! perhaps one day i'll be a famous record producer...but until then i'll be working three jobs and going to school...i kinda think that college is important but if you don't want to go...its all good too (polly i'll love you anyways!). many people who never went to college made something of themselves...i know polly...you can do it. i love ya...

maybe i don't want to go to boston. the people would drive me nuts. perhaps i should just sit here in my little excluded world and cry. who konws. i wish i had some idea of the direction that my life was going. some way of kowning that other people understand me and why i do things. i do them for a reason...maybe one day someone will understand me.

i hope you understand that my life is not something so great that i adore. perhaps i even hate it a little bit but i don't despise it. i think it has its ups and downs. although i just wanna have fun and be brave. i want a long relationship and great friends (which i already have a few of). i can't wait to grow up wich seems ironic but i do. things will be so much better then.

i got a puppy. his name is toby and he's a golden retriever...i just wanted you guys to know...lol..dont' ask...

do you ever just wish that you were invisible? that's me...most of the time. my parents are out to get me. i know that's not the truth but i feel like it. they just need to up their doses of prozac and relax. i mean why are they so fucking uptight? i guess they are just trying to protect me but i wish they would lighten up a lil. i hate people that have a bad day and then take it out on other people. especially their kids or their best friends. what's up with that? it's wrong on so many levels and nobody realizes it i guess nobody has time to realize they are doing it. right now at this point in my life i wish i could dissapear and not be seen by anyone, except my two best friends...polly...and eliz. they help me through all of the "hard times" i dont' know what i would do without them. like i said before i owe you guys my life and you know it...luv ya...didi