Reader's Questions and Dr. Zoidberg's Answers 
1999 (Earth Date, Time-Travel Corrected)

Question: I am a divorced female in my early thirties. I met a wonderful man about a year ago, everything was perfect until we found out we were related. The shock was awful and although it may seem morally wrong to some we decided to keep seeing one another (True Love). According to the law and the bible we are doing nothing wrong. My question is can you find out exactly what would happen if second cousins once removed had a child together? What are the health risks compared to people unrelated in every way?

Answer: Well, although there is a marked increase in banjo playing in first-generation children of closely-related parents, it is with the long-term consequences that medicine is usually more concerned. Several generations of this type of pairing can cause genetically recessive traits to increase in frequency. Traits such as stamp collecting, bird watching, and royalty can become common in a  family after only a few generations. In many cultures, second cousins once removed would not even be considered close enough to worry about, and in Mississippi they would be considered complete strangers.

Q: Where is my gallbladder, what did you do with my gallbladder, I need it back.    
-Ron

A: The following response to this question was entered by Dr. Zoidberg's attorney into the files of the State Superior Court of New New York:

"Dr. Zoidberg denies, categorically, any knowledge of the whereabouts of your delicious gall bladder. My client furthers states that he did not, under any circumstances, procure aforementioned bladder, roast said organ in butter and scallions and partake of a meal including said organ in a white wine sauce, garnished with new potatoes and sprinkled with crushed almonds. My client finds this entire string of accusations to be poorly founded rumors which are making him hungry."

Q: Is smoking really bad for your health?

A: For most species, the answer is yes. Where there is smoke, there's fire, and unless you are a volcano creature from Teratus 3, you should not be in any sort of burning or generally combustible state. An occasional hair singeing for aesthetic or religious purposes is probably OK, but I don't recommending habitually igniting oneself.

Q: My skin color is changing from a peachy color to a reddish color. This happens every time I go outside. Where I have my new skin color is where my skin hurts. People say it's just a sun burn. I think they're wrong, and I'm really evolving much faster than I should, my skin is just sore from evolution. What do you think?

A: Of course they are wrong! That reddish pigment is caused by your cell's DNA changing from the less-developed human form to a more developed creature, probably an advance crustacean, such as myself. Be happy! As a crustacean, you will enjoy increased intelligence, greater stamina and heightened beauty, which more than makes up for an increased likelihood of becoming salt-dependent.

Q: My sister-in-law seems to think that it doesn't matter how you dress a child to go out into the weather. If they are going to get sick, they can catch a "virus" either way. The "virus" is what makes them sick, and the weather can't.

 

I'm not a medical person, so how do I explain that there are other ways of getting sick besides catching a "virus". My kids' doctor won't even give antibiotics for a virus, since he says a virus has to run its course. But, what do you call the illnesses that are given antibiotics? And, isn't it true being cold can cause an a sickness or illness?

 

The whole family in the room agreed with her including her mother, father, and husband. My husband wasn't in there, but I'm sure he knows better.
-Jill

 

A: It's obvious that your family is suffering from a common malady in today's world, that of anthropomorphizing technology. You see, viruses are really just pieces of computer code that infect computers. Unless your family members are cybernetic, they have nothing to fear from viruses. If your relatives are amongst the growing number of families "going robot" and replacing flesh with steel, then you should be sure to use a virus filter when you download. 

As far as biological organisms are concerned, colds come from being cold (why else would they be called colds). The fever you experience is your body's reaction to being too cold. So, keep bundling up those kids, and you may want to set them on fire if the morning is particularly cold.

Your doctor is, however, correct in not giving you antibiotics, since the word antibiotic means against (anti) living things (biotic), you want to keep that stuff as far away from living tissue as possible.

Q: When will I know if its "time", you know what I mean? 
-Bobby from Indiana

A: Of course I know what you mean. You'll know you're "ready" when your shell turns a slightly deeper shade of red and the sight of females makes your claws tingle. Then its time to let nature take its course, you'll be knee deep in egg gel and pheromones before you can say Zuxclig!

Q: Do you have any recipes for delicious and nutritious mummies?
-Larry

A: The secret to a delicious mummy is all in the marinade. My personal favorite is to soak the deceased for about 48 hours in a strong teriyaki sauce (SuperJapan Eye Watering Teriyaki is my favorite). After that, remove the deceased and pack in kosher salt for about a week.  You may wrap, pack and eulogize to taste.  Mummies store best in a cool, dry place, and you may choose to vacuum pack them for freshness.