ch14

About a half hour later, the group is all asleep, except for Matt.
An odd man is sitting across from him, eyeing Matt with a serious expression. The man wears yellow Hammer pants, a netted shirt, and red Converse sneakers.
Man- Sup, Home Skillet?
Matt- (raising an eyebrow) Pardon?
Man- You. You be Home Skillet.
Matt- Actually I be Ma…xwell. Maxwell.
Man- G, you don’t mind if I call you Home Skillet, right?
Matt- Uh…uh…
Man- You got a last name, Max?
Matt- (his eyes widening) Um…uh…no, no. Just Maxwell.
Man- Oh, you a one-name brotha. I see. You look like a good kid.
Matt- Yes…
Man- You still in school? Or did you drop out like I did?
Matt- I am still in school…
Man- Ah…I dropped out in the third grade.
Matt- Uh, that’s nice…?
Man- Yeah…I wanted to rap. You know, that’s what I do. I’m a rapper. From Chitown.
Matt- Chinatown?
Man- No, G, Chitown. The Windy City. Chicago.
Matt- Oh, right. Chitown.
Man- You down with dat?
Matt- Yes…uh huh…I am jiggy…my homie g funk…
Man- Uh huh…(laughs) Home Skillet, you’s a funny kid.
Matt- Oh, uh, yeah. That’s me, good ol’ Home Skillet…
Matt nervously smiles as he shakes his legs, where Meagan’s head rests.
Meagan- Huh? Oh, hi, Bally. Are we home yet?
Matt- Uh, no…I was just thinking that that maybe we should get off at our stop, here, in Manhattan.
Meagan- But this isn’t our-
Matt kicks his knee up, hitting Meagan in the back.
Meagan- Oh…uh…our stop in Manhattan. (Sitting up, she whispers in Matt’s ear) Bally what’s the deal?
Matt- (whispering back) That guy across from me is making me nervous.
Meagan- Why? What’s he doing?
Matt- Just…asking questions…
Meagan- Hang on. (Turning to the guy) Is there a problem?
Man- Yo, yo, shorty what is up?
Meagan- Hey don’t be calling me short I am getting taller everyday-
Matt- Leave her alone. Leave us alone.
Man- Is dat what you want, kid?! (He stands up)
Matt- I...uh…uh…GREG!
Greg sits up quickly.
Greg- Yo yo Greg is here.
Matt- FRANKIE!
Frankie sits up.
Frankie- Francis at your service.
Matt- Guys…uh…beat him up!
Frankie- Alright-
Greg- What? After all I’ve done to make this world a better place-
Man- Kid, you gonna fight or not?
Greg- (jumping up, knocking Melissa over) BRING IT ON!
Melissa- (grabbing her head) Ow…
Frankie stands up, and Anna’s head is left with nothing to rest on. She wakes up.
Anna- (mumbling) Frankie, come back…
Greg and Frankie begin hopping around, fists out, getting ready to hit the guy, who just stands there laughing with his hands on his hips.
Greg- (bouncing back and forth) Come on, come on!
Frankie- I know how to kick box!
Man- And I am a black belt in karate.
Greg and Frankie look at each other, and then tap Chris.
Chris- Yes? What?
Frankie- Do you know martial arts?
Chris- (falling back to sleep) Yeah…
Greg- (shaking him) Well stand up and help us then!
Chris- Help you with what (he opens his eyes and sees the guy) AH!
Chris leaps to his feet as Tory goes flying onto the floor.
Tory- Ouch!!!!!! Chris!
Chris- Sorry hun, I’ll be right back. I just gotta show this punk my Jackie Chan…
Tory- Who’s Jackie? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?!
Chris- No!
Anna- Jackie Chan…that’s a guy.
Tory- Well…they should just call him Jack, then.
Greg- (dodging a punch) That...would...AH...ruin...it...
Frankie punches the guy's big arm, wincing in pain as the man laughs.
Matt and Meagan begin searching for a way out...when all of a sudden, the subway comes to a screeching stop.
All nine freeze. Jesse and Amy are flung off the seat. They clutch their heads in agony.
Amy and Jesse- Ow...
Matt- Uh...what just happened?
Meagan- I don't know...it...stopped...
Greg- Um...are we stuck?
Chris- With this huge guy?
Man- Da name's Breathe Right Strip.
Chris- Riiiight...
Frankie- Well...uh...Mr. Strip...wait, that doesn't sound good...
Greg- Whaddaya say we call a truce?!
Man- (he thinks for a minute) Uh...no.
They start fighting again as the others start to panic.
Melissa- I'm gonna die of starvation!
Tory- I don't have enough makeup with me to stay alive!
Amy- What?! We're gonna die?!
Jesse- Say it ain't so!!!!
Anna- We aren't stuck...we're...temporarily delayed.
Just then an announcement comes on the intercom: "Attention all passengers: we are stuck-"
The other ten groan.
Meagan- Not stuck, eh, Anna?
"Sorry for the inconvenience."
Frankie- Oh great...this is TERRIBLE!
Chris- My balm...it's at the HOTEL!
Greg- (rolling his eyes) Man...too bad.
Jesse- Well guys, at least if we die...we die having changed the world.
Amy- That's right.
Tory, Chris, Greg, Melissa, Amy and Jesse all put their hands in and shout: "Peace Children!"
Matt- WOULD YOU SHUT UP WITH THE STUPID PEACE CHILDREN CRAP?!
Melissa- Matt! You are appalling.
Frankie- Well it's not his fault!
Tory- Don't worry, guys. Everything will be ok...
Just then, the door to the next car burst open, and in trails the faggish scent.
All eleven scream- not that Breathe Right Strip knows John, but still...
Meagan- You're supposed to be in JAIL!
John- Oh I know. My momma bailed me out with the promise that I'd never come home again.
The ten kids snicker.
John- But don't worry, I told her I'd stay with you guys!
Tory screams before climbing up a pole. Chris and Greg dive under a seat, scream, and dive back out. Frankie and Anna try to open the door to the other car...but to no avail. Amy holds a magazine in front of her face.
Amy- (whispering) I can't see him...he can't see me...I am invisible...
Jesse and Meagan run toward the door after Anna and Frankie, and they all smack into each other, falling over. Greg and Chris jump up onto the luggage racks, which begin to sway from the weight. Matt stands behind a coat rack. Anna, Frankie, Meagan, and Jesse quickly get up off of the ground and run into the little subway bathroom.
Frankie- Pack ‘em in...pack ‘em in!
Jesse- Can't...breathe...
Anna- Come on, Jesse, close the door!
Meagan- Dude...it smells horrible in here...
Frankie- Well it smells worse out there!
Melissa is very scared...she looks around for a place to hide.
John- Pretty Momma...no need to hide, I'm right here!
Melissa- That's why I'm hiding!!!
Tory- Psssst! Issa!
Melissa looks up to find Tory on the pole.
Tory- Up here!
John looks up.
John- Tory! How'd you get up there?
Tory- I hid from you! (She leaps over to the luggage racks, which sway violently from the weight of three people)
John walks over and lays a finger on the rack, as the whole thing comes crashing to the ground.
Tory, Chris, Greg- AH!!!!!!!!
John- Oh no! Whoops!
Chris- JOHN!
Greg- RETARD!
Tory- My...HAIR!!
In the bathroom...
Meagan- Jesse, stop moving around!
Jesse- I can't help it, I'm claustrophobic.
Anna- Then get out of here!
Frankie- No! We can't let John see us!
Three minutes later, Meagan can't take it any longer and pushes Jesse into the door, sending the four flying out the door.
John- Oh, there you guys are!
The four back up against the wall trying to keep a big distance between them and John.
John runs over, knocking over the coat rack.
Matt- AH!
Matt dives onto the other four, thinking John won't see him that way.
John- AW! A pile up! Wait for me!
John leaps onto the five helpless, wailing kids.
Tory, Chris and Greg run to the far side of the subway car, noticing Breathe Right Strip just discovering a door leading to the next car.
Breathe Right Strip runs out the door.
Tory, Chris and Greg glance back at the others cowering on the floor in a pile, and call Melissa over.
Once Melissa comes over, they all look back at the pile, shrug, and run through the door.
Matt, who rolls out of the pile, spots the door, and tries to pull Meagan out from under everybody else...but is sucked back in by John…
Just then, Uglina peeks in the door.
Uglina- (In a seductive voice) Hola John...
John- Momma bonita! He scrambles off of the pile as everybody sighs in relief.
John and Uglina run to each other and start making out.
Meagan, Matt, Jesse, Anna, and Frankie jump up and run to the door, forgetting about Amy, who is still hiding behind the magazine.
Amy- (Lowering the magazine) hey, where did everyone go? (She sees John and Uglina) AW!
Amy jumps up and follows out the wrong door at the other end of the subway car.
Meanwhile, somewhere towards the front of the subway train...
Tory- Ok, do you think we could stop now?
Melissa- Yeah, I would say we're far enough away from...
Greg- John.
Chris- Dude…my hair is probably just atrocious…
Tory- No, don’t worry, it’s fine.

Back a few cars…
Matt, Meagan, Anna, Frankie, and Jesse run through the empty cars…looking for a way out…
Jesse- There! A door!
They run over to a door on the side of the subway.
Meagan tries to push open the door, and when it won’t open, she assumes it is automatically locked.
Meagan- Damn door!
Frankie- Here, allow me. I’m stronger. (He pushes with all his might…the door doesn’t budge)
Meagan- Oh…stronger. Yeah, you are b-u-f-f BUFF!
Frankie- Shut up!
Matt- I’ll try. (He walks over and pulls on the door, which opens easily)
Frankie- Wha…? How’d you do that?!
Matt- Easy, Francis.
Matt points to the door, where a sign is printed:
“Pull to open”
Frankie- Ah you dumb smart kids…
Anna- Now’s no time to fight, we can escape AH! Rats!
Jesse- No need to be frustrated, Anna, just step out there AH! There’s- there’s rats out there!
Anna- Freak, that’s what I said!
Meagan- No way am I going out there with rats.
Matt- They are filthy.
Frankie- Disgusting.
Jesse- Actually, they’re kinda cute! Hey, fellas!
Jesse stares out the door, waving at the rats as the other four step back to talk.
Meagan- So…what are we gonna do?
Anna- We could…uh…go on top of the subway?
Matt- There’s electrical shortages up there. It’s dangerous.
Frankie- (laughs) Ha! Danger’s my middle name!
Matt- I thought it was Jonathan…?
Frankie- Shh.
Meagan- Well…we could go up there…I mean, what other choice do we have?
Anna- Exactly. Plus, John’s down here. We HAVE to get away from him.
Frankie- I’m in.
Meagan- Same here. Bally?
Matt- Well…I suppose…
They turn to Jesse.
Jesse- (talking to a big, fat rat) Hi! I am Jesse. Can you say “Jesse”?
The rat sits there.
Frankie- Hey, Rat Boy!
Jesse- (looking up) Yes?
Anna- You are coming with us.
Frankie grabs Jesse by the arm and pulls him along with the others.
Jesse- Wait! Can I bring Murphy?

A few cars the other way…
Amy runs around in circles, trapped in a car.

Back ahead in the first car…
Tory- We can’t go out there…there’s RATS!
Melissa- GROSS!
Chris- Ew…what do we DO?
Greg- Uh…uh…
Breathe Right Strip- Eh, kids…come up ‘ere.
Breathe Right Strip beckons the four over as he climbs out the fire escape up onto the roof of the subway car.
Tory- We can’t go up there!
Melissa- What if the subway starts MOVING?!
Chris- (shrugs) Then we can go home.
Greg- Come on guys, let’s just go with B.R.S.
Melissa- (mumbling) Oh so now you’re given him a nickname…
The four climb up after Breathe Right Strip, being very careful not to go flying off into the rats.

Meanwhile, a few cars back…
The five kids have successfully climbed up onto the car.
Meagan- Well…now what?
Anna- We have to find a way out.
Frankie- Right…like…through a SEWER!
Matt- Brilliant, Frankie!
Frankie flashes a smile.
Jesse- (talking to his rat) Murphy, you are such a good little rat. (In a rat voice) Yes, thank you, Jesse.
Meagan- Dude…
Anna- What a-
Frankie, Matt, Anna, Meagan- Loser.

A few cars back the other way…
Amy runs around in circles, trapped in a car.

Back ahead on the first car…
Greg- We have to go look for the others. Come on.
Greg takes Melissa’s hand as they hop onto the next car.
Melissa- Ok…your turn, Tory.
Tory- No way…I might fall…it would RUIN my hair.
Chris- Oh I know…it’s way too risky.
Breathe Right Strip- You kids are worried about your hair when you should be worried about your friends?
Tory and Chris- Yes.

Meanwhile…
Frankie, Anna, Matt, Meagan, Jesse, and his stupid rat, Murphy, have been hopping from car to car, searching for a sewer to climb up through. They spot a light.
Frankie- There! Over there!
Anna- It’s a LIGHT!
Meagan- Yes! We are finally free!
Matt- Technically no…we’re still trapped on a subway.
Jesse- Matt, you have to be optical when it comes to these things…like me and Murphy. Right, Murph? (In a rat voice) Yes.
Frankie- I think you mean optimistic…
Anna- And would you quit talking to the dumb weasel?
Jesse- He’s a RAT!
Meagan- Well, oh gee, that’s so much better.
Jesse- Plus…he talks to me…we communicate…you just don’t understand.
Matt and Frankie- “They don’t understand how we communicate…”
Matt- You’re gonna get rabies.
Jesse- Matt, that’s just sick…I am not old enough to have babies.

A few cars back the other way…
Amy runs around in circles, trapped in a car.

Meanwhile…
Chris, Tory, Melissa, Greg, and Breathe Right Strip think they hear something.
“Hello?” comes the faint cry.
Breathe Right Strip- It’s comin’ from ova ‘ere… c’mon…
The four kids follow him along the cars.
Tory- I think I’m just cursed. I mean, I have to go rescue Melissa all the time, I am always spotted by John, I was once in a pile with John, I get trapped on subways…
Melissa- Tory! I am the one who gets kidnapped all the time, so don’t even start with your complaining.
Greg- Yeah…we’re all in trouble now.
Chris- Well…me especially…I’ve never been this far away from my balm for such a long period of time…
Frankie- GUYS!
Greg- FRANKIE!
They all run up to each other, glad to be alive.
Chris- Ok…is this everyone?
Frankie- ROLE CALL! Frankie? Here. Matt?
Matt- Here. Greg?
Greg- Here. Chris?
Chris- Here. Tory?
Tory- Here. Melissa?
Melissa- Here. Meagan?
Meagan- Here. Anna?
Anna- Here. Jesse?
Jesse- Here and here.
They look at him.
Jesse- Well ya forgot Murphy!
Frankie- Anyway…who’s left?
Everyone thinks for a minute and shrugs.
Matt- Nope, I think that’s everybody.
Jesse looks up, appalled.
Chris- Oh yeah. Breathe Right Strip?
Breathe Right Strip- Here.
Greg- Alright, let’s bust this joint!
Jesse- No…wait!
Just then, there is banging from underneath their feet.
Amy- (banging on the roof of the car) HELP! GUYS! HELP!
Jesse- I think it’s Amy! We have to save her! Murphy, you stay here.
Jesse sets Murphy down, and rolls his sleeves up as he walks toward the edge of the car.
Jesse- Don’t worry, Bugaboo, I’m comin’!
Jesse takes Amy’s hand and she climbs out onto the roof. They hug.
*Applause*
Everyone else shrugs and goes on trying to find a sewer.