| Chapter 20: "I'm a Slave for John" |
| Brody and Meagan are seated in the hospital lobby as someone is rushed in on a gurney. Meagan’s eyes are fastened shut from the pain in her now demented ankle. Brody- Hey, isn’t that your friend Mike? Meagan- Mike? Brody- Mike, Melvin, Martin... Meagan- Matt! She hops up, soon falling back in pain. A nurse walks up to the pair as Matt is wheeled out. Nurse- We’re taking you back now, honey. Do you need help? Meagan- No, I can handle it. Nurse- Can we get a wheelchair over here? Meagan- A what?! Oh no no no no no…I don’t do wheelchairs. Last time I saw a wheelchair, John was pushing it… Nurse- John? Meagan- Yeah…he’s this ugly fag with really tall gross hair and oh, OW… Nurse- What, your ankle? Meagan- No…my mind… Nurse- Nonsense. Now, sit right here. A few nurses force Meagan into the wheelchair and they wheel her off through the same door Matt went. *** Meanwhile, Greg is being helped by kind pedestrians outside of Macy’s. Woman- Are you ok? Can you bend your fingers? Bend them like this…(She bends her fingers slowly, then unfolding them, and over again) Greg- Dude…I didn’t hurt my fingers. Woman- (really loud, making the quotation gesture) Oh…is it a “guy thing”? People stop to look at Greg. Greg’s face turns a deep shade of red. Greg- Uh, no. I seem to have broken- Little Girl- Your bottom? Greg- No, uh- Nelda- Yes. Greg here has broken his cute little bottom. We need a doctor right away. Woman- Sure thing. My obstetrician is right across the street. Be right back. She dashes off across the road. Greg- Wait! I’m a- Greg turns to Nelda. Greg- Doesn’t an obstetrician treat, like, pregnant ladies? Nelda- Yes. Greg- Aw shit… *** Meanwhile, John, Melissa, and Amy are on the road in John’s newly repaired car. Melissa is in the front seat, while Amy is in the back seat. John sings along to the radio. John- “Cause there ain’t no mountain high enough…” Melissa- John, where in God’s name are you taking us this time? John- Hollywood, Pretty Momma. Amy- Hollywood? COOL! John- Yeah, I’ve been offered a modeling job. Melissa- (exasperated) For what, Fags Unlimited?! John- No, no, silly! For a new perfume. Melissa- Like a barnyard fragrance? Manure, maybe? John- No, I- Amy- What is manure? Melissa- Cow shit. Amy- John, you’re modeling cow shit? John- No, no, sillies! Melissa- Would you quit calling us “sillies”?! For the love of god… John- Sorry, Pretty Momma. Forgive me. I’d hate for you to be mad at me. Melissa- Good. In that case, I’m furious. *** At the same time, at the art show… Guard- (tapping Chris on the shoulder) Sir, I’ll have to ask you to leave. Chris- Yo, get your hand off me, son! Huh? How come? Christina shields her face, sneaking slowly away from her “date”. Guard- Sir…calm down…come with me…the door is this way…(He begins walking) Chris- I don’t have to. (He crosses his arms) Guard- Sir…I will have to call security unless- Chris- Dude, I thought you were security… Guard- Sir…please. This way. Chris- No. Guard- Yes. Chris- No. Guard- Yes. Chris- No! Guard- Yes! Chris- NO! Guard- YES!!!!! Chris- (startled) DUDE!!!!! He calms back down, fixing his hair in a mirrored sculpture. Chris- I’m coo…I’m coo… Guard- Right now! Chris- Fine, fine. Not like I wanted to come here anyway…this place blows… Guard- (as he escorts Chris to the door) Sir, that’s enough… *** Meanwhile, the food fight at Wendy’s is in full swing… Everybody in the restaurant is covered in food, besides Tory, who stands on a table, dodging the on-coming array of edible ammo. Tory carefully picks up a cheeseburger with the tips of her fingers, flinging it and hitting Winston in the face. Winston- Ah! Winston chucks a ketchup cup at Tory, splattering it ALL OVER her new white shirt. Tory- WINSTON!!!!!!!!!! The room gets silent. Winston- Oops… Tory- I’m out of here… She grabs her purse as she dashes out of the restaurant. *** Jesse lays across the back seat of Ming’s father’s taxi cab as he races off to the nearest hospital. Jesse- Uh…Ming’s Dad? Ming’s Dad- Call me Wong. Jesse- Ok…Wong? Wong- Yes? Jesse- How close are we to the hospital? My thigh is crackling…and I feel like I’m floating in and our of consciousness… Wong- REALLY?! Jesse- No…I heard those words on ER so I thought I’d put them to good use. But my thigh is killing me. Ming- (in the front seat) Jesse…you be ok? Jesse- Yeah, yeah, I’ll make it. Can you do me a huge favor? Ming- Sure. I will do you favor. Jesse- Thanks…call my gir- er…friend Amy and tell her how sorry I am. Ming- What is the number to call? Jesse- 555-0987 Ming- (after she dials) Hello how are you. Amy- Huh? Ming- Hello how are you. Amy- Um…good, you? Ming- Satisfactory. Jesse gives her a confused look. Amy- Who is this? Ming- This is Ming. I call for Jesse. Amy- Oh, are you a secretary? Ming- No, I not secretary. I on a date with Jesse- Amy- Oh…right. That Ming. Yeah, what can I do for ya? Ming- Jesse say he is very sorry. Amy- Yeah yeah…can I please talk to him? Ming- One moment please. Ming hands the phone to Jesse. Jesse- Hey, Bugaboo! Amy- Jesse, this is urgent. I know I’m supposed to be mad at you and all, but I’m in a giant pickle. Jesse- Mmm…well don’t forget to take a bite! Amy- Right…well you see, I’ve been kidnapped by John- Jesse- What?! Ow… Amy- Yeah…hey, what’s wrong? Jesse- Oh, I bent my thigh incorrectly. Amy- How’d you do that? Jesse- Chinese Interpretive Dancing. Amy- Oh! I took a class on that one time. The Scorpion, right? Jesse- Yes. Amy- That position is a cheerleading MUST. Jesse- Really? Oh no…I’m a FAILURE… Amy- No, don’t worry! But I need you to rescue me! Oh…and Melissa’s here too. Jesse- Oh. Well, as soon as the doc snaps my leg back into place, I’ll get Wong here to give me a lift to… Amy- Greenwood Electrical Towers. Jesse- Right, Greenwood Electrical Towers…hey, where the hell is that? Amy- Um…it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere. Jesse- No duh. Well…I will be there ASAP…hehe! Amy- Hehe! Well, thanks SO much. I love you! Jesse- Love you too. *Click* *Click* Jesse- Boo ya! Ow… *** Anna and Beau are sitting at a McDonald’s, right next to a fundraiser building. Beau- These fries…so greasy. Anna- And this burger…so flat. Beau and Anna- I love it! They laugh. Just then, the doors burst open. In sprints Frankie, running for his life. He dives under Anna and Beau’s table. Anna- Frankie! What the… Frankie- Shh…can’t talk now… A few seconds later, a crew of old ladies comes hobbling in. Old Lady #1- Where is he? Old Lady #2- I don’t know…I reckon he came through that door… Old Lady #3- (looking at Anna and Beau) You two seen him? Frankie nudges Anna’s leg. Anna- Nope. Actually, yes. He ran right back out the back door. Said he was headed for the airport. Old Lady #4- We’d better get him…he owes the Save the Whales Fundraising Committee $4000. Old Lady #5- Thanks, kid. Have a nice day. They hobble out the back door as they continue their quest. Frankie scoots out from under the table and stands up. Frankie- Thank you, hun. I love you. Frankie bends down and gives Anna a big, long hug. Anna- Aw…I love you too! Frankie- Really? Anna- I’m melting! You’re too caring and sensitive- not to mention incredibly hot, but nevermind that…and I can’t stay mad at you. Frankie- I’m sorry for going out with Osama. Anna- It’s ok. I understand. I did the whole time. I was just jealous. Beau- (gasping) You…USED ME? Anna nods, smiling nervously. Anna- But hey, it was fun, right? Beau- Yeah, it was fun…I’m outta here. Beau stands up and storms out of the McDonald’s and hops in his mom’s awaiting Lexus. Frankie- Oopsie… Anna- Oh well. I like you better any day. Frankie- How about we head back to my hotel room? (He raises his eyebrows) Anna- Sure… They start heading for the door. Anna- So, what is this about you owing the Save the Whales Fundraising Committee $4000…? Frankie- Oh…well it all started when Osama made me go to this auction… *** Chris walks briskly down the sidewalk, mad at himself for going on the date with Christina. He talks to himself… Chris- Tory’s mad at me, I’ve been banned from half a city block, and my hair looks like crap…all for some fan who doesn’t know how to shave her armpits. Chris continues along, kicking at puddles as it lightly begins to drizzle. *** Tory speed walks down the sidewalk, furious. She too talks to herself… Tory- Chris is dating a gorilla, I have ketchup on my new white shirt, and my hair looks like crap. All for trying to make Chris jealous. Tory continues along feeling sorry for herself when suddenly, she sees a familiar boy about twenty yards away. The boy notices her too, and they instinctively start running to each other. Everything is in slow motion, and a sappy love song plays in the background… Tory- Chriiiiiiissssss… Chris- Toooorrrrryyy… They continue to run to each other, arms out… When they are about two yards apart, each one slips in a puddle, flying in the air and falling to the ground. The music stops like a broken record. Tory and Chris- (rubbing their heads) Ow… Chris rises to his feet and reaches out for Tory’s hand. Chris- Are you ok, hun? Tory- (standing up with Chris’s help) Yeah…Oh but now I look even worse. Ketchup, my hair, now this. A wet white shirt. Chris- Oh, don’t worry, I don’t mind. Tory- Thanks, you’re so understanding. She throws herself on him, hugging him really tight. Chris smiles to himself. Chris- I’m sorry about Christina. Tory- It’s ok. I’m sorry I got so mad. It was dumb of me. The whole time, I was only jealous. Chris- Really? Well, I love you more than any fan or anyone else for that matter. So don’t you worry. How about we head back to the hotel? Tory- Sounds like a plan. *** Greg is in the waiting room of the obstetrician’s office. Woman- She’s a really nice lady. You’ll like her. Greg- Gee…thanks… A young blonde nurse opens the door to the back hall. Nurse- (a little puzzled as she reads the name) Gregory Raposo? Greg- (standing up in incredible pain) Yep…right here. Nurse- (eyeing him funny) Right this way… Greg hobbles out behind her and follows her into an examining room. Shutting the door, the nurse turns around, facing Greg with her chart in front of her. Nurse- Let’s see…a first time patient… Greg- Yeah. My other obstetrician was on vacation and I needed some assistance. Nurse- A likely story. Now…what really happened? Greg- I was sent into orbit via Nelda. Then I landed on my ass. Nurse- Ouch. Hmm…well, we’ll have to examine you. Greg- Oh…ok… Nurse- Please remove your pants. Greg- (raising his eyebrows) Sure… Greg slides off his pants. Nurse- And the boxers. Greg- No problem! Off they go. The nurse faints. Greg- (raising his voice) Um…I need another nurse… *** Meagan’s wheelchair is wheeled into a room with another occupant. Meagan- Oh great. Company. Someone to drool on me. Nurse- Actually, his name is Matthew. He has just regained consciousness. Matt raises his head off the pillow. Matt- Hi, babe! Meagan- Matt! She jumps up, wincing in pain and falling back onto the chair. Nurse- You two know each other? Matt- Hell yeah…thanks for putting us in the same room! Nurse- No problem…I think… She helps Meagan up onto the other bed, and lets the two know that their families are on their way, before leaving the room. Matt- You look pretty hot in that hospital gown. Meagan- Likewise. There is a pause as they stare at each other for a while. Meagan- Matt, I’m so sorry I got mad at you. It was really stupid of me. I guess I was jealous. Matt- Huh? Mad? Meagan- Don’t you remember…? You went on that date with Pollyanna? Where’d you guys go, anyway? Matt- Pollyanna? Meagan- Oh no…he has amnesia! Nurse! Nurse! He has amnesia! Matt- Haha…just joking. Meagan- Matt! The nurse comes dashing in. Nurse- Yes? Yes? What’s wrong? Meagan- Oh…uh…false alarm. The nurse rolls her eyes as she leaves once again. Matt- I’m sorry I went out with Pollyanna. She’s really annoying. We had a really horrible time. She took me to the rodeo, and I got trampled by a bull…and then I was here… Meagan- Oh. Matt- How’d you do that to your ankle? It’s a huge rainbow…kinda cool… Meagan- Um…thanks. Brody and I were playing football in Central Park and a bunch of people tackled me and I snapped it or something. Matt- Ooh. Fun. Meagan- Yeah. So, what’s on the menu for tonight? Matt- Meat loaf. (Lowering his voice, almost to a whisper) And word on the streets is it’s yellow Jell-O night. Meagan- Oh…fantastic… *** Jesse is on the first floor of the hospital, laid out on a bed. Doctor- Just hold still, this won’t hurt a bit… *SNAP* Jesse- YOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doctor- All done! Great job! Here, here’s a sucker for being such a good boy. Jesse- Thanks! Say, you’re alright, doc. Alright, Wong, let’s bust this joint! Wong- Sure thing, Jesse. Jesse waves to the doctor one more time before he, Ming, and Wong dash out to the car. Jesse- Greenwood Electrical Towers, here I come! *** Meanwhile, at Greenwood Electrical Towers… John builds a fire, dancing around it and singing wild, African folk songs. Melissa- Oh my god…what a freak…John, you do realize that fire doesn’t mix well with electricity, right? John- Sure, Pretty Momma. I was just chilly. Aren’t you? Cause if you are, I have a blanket we could curl up under. Melissa- I’d rather jump off a cliff into shark-infested waters. Amy has been chained to a pole. Amy- Can’t I go yet? John- Nonsense. You’re my slave for the night. Amy- Oh great. I’m a slave for John. John- Got that right. Amy shudders. *** The taxi pulls up to the base of the little hill surrounding GET. Jesse jumps out of the back. Jesse- Thanks so much for the ride, guys! Love ya! Ming- Love ya. Good bye. Wong waves as they pull away. Jesse turns toward the towers and starts walking over. On his way, he sees a large silver key. Jesse- Ooh! Neat-o! He slides the key into his front pocket and continues over. When he sees Amy chained to the pole, he sprints to her side. Unfortunately, John sees the whole thing. John- Ooh! Another slave! John runs up and chains Jesse’s hands to the pole. John- Yes! Perfect. Hey Pretty Momma, we have two servants, now. Pretty Momma? He walks off in search of Melissa. Amy- Jesse! Oh my god…I’ve never been happier to see anyone in my life. Well…except for this one time in first grade when I wet my pants, and my mom brought me a new pair of underwear… Amy throws her arms around Jesse. Amy- But…now we’re stuck. John had a key. It was big, and silver… Jesse- Oh, that key…I have it! Amy- You do?! Where? Jesse- My pocket. Amy- K…get it. Jesse- Um…I can’t. My hands are tied up. You’ll have to get it. Amy- Huh? And how might I do that? Jesse- I dunno….slide your hand in my pocket- Amy- DEAL! She slowly moves her hand toward Jesse’s leg before reaching into Jesse’s pocket. Amy- YIKES! (She yanks her hand back out) Jesse- What? Amy- Holy sh…shall I try again? Amy reaches in a second time. Jesse- AH! Wrong way! Amy- Oh…oopsie. Oh, here it is…oh whoops, I lost it again! How silly of me… Jesse- Ah! AMY! Amy- Got it! Oh no I- Jesse- GRAB THE DAMN KEY! Amy- Ok, ok…(she takes the key out) You’re no fun. Jesse- I’m sorry…but that’s a tad uncomfortable when I’m chained to a pole. Amy unlocks the chains and the two sneak off to John’s car. Amy- Let’s pop his tires! Jesse- Good idea! Amy and Jesse begin darting around the Mustang, looking for sharp objects. *** Meanwhile, at the obstetrician’s office… All of the nurses on shift lie in a heap on the floor. Greg- Damn nurses. They shouldn’t have to faint every time they look at me. Well, on second thought… Greg smiles to himself as he gets dressed once again. He hobbles back out of the room and down to the lobby. Greg- Bye girls, thanks for your…uh…help? Receptionist- No, thank you. (She winks) Greg winks back before turning and leaving the building. Once outside, his cell phone rings. While walking down the sidewalk, he picks it up. Greg- Hello? Melissa- Hun, it’s me! Greg- Hey babe! How are you? Melissa- Ugh…HORRIBLE. I’ve been kidnapped by John. Greg- What?! Again? Melissa- Yeah…and he took Amy with. Greg- Where are you? Melissa- Greenwood Electrical Towers. Greg- Ok…listen, I’ll be there in a sec. I’m gonna call the others. Melissa- Ok. Thanks, hun. Love ya. Greg- Love you too. *Click* *Click* Greg- Where the hell is that? He shrugs before hailing a cab, and hops in the front seat. Driver- Where you goin’? Greg- Greenwood Electrical Towers. Driver- (a little puzzled) Ok… The taxi pulls away from the curb and races up the street. Greg makes a few calls along the way and finds that Frankie has turned his phone off, Chris is busy, Jesse and Amy are popping John’s tires, and Matt and Meagan are in the hospital. Greg- (as he hangs up with Matt) Geez…everybody had an interesting day… *** Meanwhile, John continues to dance around the fire, singing so loud and off-key, Melissa covers her ears. John- Oh-ee-oh-OH-ah-la-loo-wa-LA-ya-oh- Melissa- JOHN! John- Yeah Pretty Momma? Melissa- Shut…up!! John- Sorry. Melissa- John, if only I had the money required to help you. John- Money? Melissa- Well, there’s the $500 for a chainsaw to trim the bush on your head… John looks puzzled. He tries to run his hand through his hair, but his hand gets stuck. Melissa- There’s a few hundred for hair removal… John looks under his arms. John- I’m not that hairy- Melissa- Oh face it, you’re an ape. John lowers his head as Melissa continues Melissa- A few bucks for a razor to cut that dumb fuzz off… John rubs his fuzz. Melissa- A few hundred for a new wardrobe… John looks at his dirty white wife beater and 10-year-old jeans. John- But I’ve worn these since third grade! Melissa cringes. Melissa- A few thousand for plastic surgery… John- Now, easy. I have the body of- Melissa- A monkey. Anyways…about five thousand for a new face… John- My face is gorgeous. Melissa- Yeah, right. In your fat dreams. Your nose is as wide as your mouth. John- It adds character. Melissa- Perhaps a little too much. John- Yeah, well the doctor says I have a better sense of smell than most bloodhounds. Melissa- (sarcastically) Wow, I’m so proud. A few hundred for a voice teacher…that is, if you expect to keep singing. John- La-la-la- Melissa- Enough! John shuts up. Melissa- A few grand for a new car… John- I love my car! Melissa- Your car sucks…so does that v6 engine. I don’t know much about cars, but I know you should at least get a v8. And mud flaps…on a car? John, truck drivers put those on 18-wheelers. John- My mud flaps have gerbils on them! Melissa- How stupid is that? John looks down. Melissa- A few million to hire a family, friends, teachers, maybe a girlfriend- John- You? Melissa- There isn’t enough money on the planet. Sorry. John shrugs. Just then, a taxi pulls up, and out runs Greg. Melissa- Greg! Greg- Melissa! They run to each other and hug. Greg- Melissa, I’m so sorry this keeps happening. Melissa- It’s not your fault. It’s Amy’s fault. Amy and Jesse run up. Amy- What? It isn’t my fault. Melissa- When you saw John in the fountain, you told me it was a porcupine. Amy- That’s what it looked like! Melissa sighs as the four walk down to the taxi and get in the back. John- (calling after them) I’ll be back! |