| Chapter 5: "A and the C" |
| John and Melissa are driving in his 2001 Mineral Gray Ford Mustang. John- Where ya wanna go, Pretty Momma? Melissa- HOME! John- I can’t…my momma wouldn’t like that. Melissa- Not your home, you fag! John- (lowers his head) Oh…well, uh…we can go to your place if you like. Melissa- (starts banging on the windows) Somebody help me! For Pete’s frickin’ sake…get me out of this car!!! *** Matt steps out of the bathroom about a half hour later to find everyone searching the room. Matt- Um… Meagan- (runs to hug Matt) She’s gone… Matt- Who is? Greg- (sitting on the edge of the bed) Melissa… Jesse jumps on the bed and raises a megaphone to his mouth. Jesse- Ok, you there in the green shirt! (He points at Chris) Chris- Um…me? Jesse- Yes, you. I want you to call my mom and tell her- Frankie jumps up and grabs the megaphone. Frankie- Dude, leave your mom out of this. Amy- AW! It’s adorable! Jesse has such a great relationship with his mom… Jesse smiles angelically. Anna- ANYWAY…we still haven’t found Melissa. Tory- (looking up from a suitcase) Yeah…and I searched all my makeup bags…hmm… Meagan- You freak…why would she be in your makeup bags? Tory- People have been known to be jealous of my makeup supply. Chris- Understandable. Matt- Ok…so Melissa is gone?? Everyone nods. Matt- Well…hmm…who was the last person with her? Greg looks at Frankie, who looks at Anna, who looks at Matt, who looks at Meagan, who looks at Tory, who looks at Chris, who looks at Amy and Jesse, who look at the ground. Chris- I think you mean people. Jesse- Well, we didn’t do it! Right, Amy? Amy- (whispering cheers) Knock ‘em down, roll ‘em around… Anna- Uh…Amy? Jesse- Shh! She’s practicing a cheer… Frankie- Well, that’s no excuse! Amy- (looking up, realizing everyone is looking at her) What? Meagan- God… Matt- Melissa, Amy, Melissa… Frankie- I say we send out a search party… Greg- Guys…I am so freaked out…you do realize the last person with Melissa was John, right…? Everyone seems to remember why they ran upstairs in the first place. Tory- You’re RIGHT! Chris- Oh my god… Anna- What should we do?? Frankie- Like I said, a search party… Jesse- Good idea! Amy- It would be just like an episode of Cops…except without the police cars…and the flashing lights…and the cops… Meagan- You’re an idiot, Amy. A true idiot… Matt- Meagan and I are in.. Chris- So are me and Tory. Frankie- Anna is in, and of course I am, because I came up with this brilliant idea… Amy- Shut up, Frankie. Jesse- Amy and I are so there! Greg- (sadly) Me too… *** John has pulled the car over by a field and he is in the process of building a fire. Melissa sits tied up in her wheelchair, praying that someone will find her and rescue her from John. Melissa- (whispering in prayer) Please…oh please… John- (singing as he rubs two logs together) Zippity doo dah, zippity aye… Melissa- My oh my what a HORRIBLE day… John- (looks up, still rubbing the logs) What’s the matter, Pretty Momma? Melissa- What do you THINK is the matter? The fire ignites and John kneels, his chin resting on his hand. John- I know! You are upset you don’t get to see me more often. Well don’t worry, Pretty Momma, Johnny’s here. (He walks over and embraces Melissa) Melissa- AH!!!! *** Meagan, Amy, Chris, Greg, and Frankie speed along in the Diablo on the highway. Matt, Tory, Jesse, and Anna are right behind them in the convertible. In Meagan’s car… Frankie- (in the front seat) Can’t this thing go any faster? Meagan- (looks at her speedometer) Galasso, I am going a hundred and five miles an hour…isn’t that fast enough? Amy- (in the back middle) Wow…that is fast… Chris- (looking out the back window) True dat. Frankie- True wha?? Greg- (his face in his hands as he mumbles) True dat, Frankie…true dat. Meagan- (looking at Greg in her rearview mirror) Don’t worry, Raposo…we’ll find her. Amy- Yep! And then we’ll teach that fag a thing or two. Chris- A thing or two? I could teach him a zillion things about hair care alone… The others laugh and Greg cracks a smile. Amy- What’s everybody’s favorite Barbie? They all get quiet and glance at her. After about a minute, there comes a reply. Chris- I always thought Malibu was pretty hot… Frankie- Oh, no, dude. Millenium is way hotter… Greg- That’s where you’re wrong. It’s Christmas Barbie… Meagan- I always liked Skipper better than Barbie… Frankie- She’s not bad… Amy- Cheerleader Barbie for me. She’s AWESOME… In Matt’s car… Matt- (pops in the Sublime cd) How about some music for the chase? Anna- (in the front seat) Whatever… Tory- I am not listening to this… Jesse- Me either! Jesse reaches between the two front seats and takes Sublime out, replacing it with Alvin and the Chipmunks. Jesse- Yeah! This is what I call music… Tory- AH! Anna- (cracking up) Jesse, you are such a freak… Matt- Damn right he’s a freak. Somebody turn that off! Jesse- No!! Matt and Jesse start fighting over the controls as the car swerves in and out of the lane. Anna- (grabbing the steering wheel) Holy geez… Tory- Matt! Drive the car! Matt- (sighs, giving up) Fine…fine… Jesse smiles victoriously as he sits back, singin’ along to his favorite cd. Anna- How fast are we going? Matt- Oh, about one oh five… Tory- A hundred and five?! Oh…I’m gonna be sick… Anna- You better not… Jesse- Yeah! Ew that would be yucky… Matt- You BETTER not ralph in my car… Tory- Oh…guys…nauseous… *** Melissa watches from her wheelchair as John does an Irish jig around the fire. Melissa- (under her breath) Oh, this is sad… John- (while dancing) Come on, me lass, dance with ol’ Johnny! Melissa- No, that’s ok- John- Don’t be shy…John knows you love him! (He grabs the handles of the wheelchair and pushes Melissa around the fire, as he continues his jig. Melissa is screaming like there’s no tomorrow) *** In Meagan’s car… The group has selected a cd from Meagan’s many and they are all singing along… “Ha! War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing”… Amy- (glances out the back window) Oh my god…guys look! Meagan- What is it? Somebody doin’ a faulty cheerleading move….AH! Fire! Frankie- Where?! Chris- (points) There!! Greg- (unbuckles his seatbelt) We gotta get out…Melissa’s probably over there! Meagan- Frankie, hook up my cell phone up so that it’s a speaker phone…do you know how to do that…? Frankie- Um…I think… Meagan- Cause I don’t. Frankie picks up the cell phone and starts shoving the cord into different slots. Chris- That’s it, Frankmeister... Amy- (chanting) Frankie…Frankie…Frankie… Greg- Come on, Frankie, hurry… In Matt’s car… The gas light comes on as Matt glances at the control panel. Matt- Aw, CRAP! Anna- What?! Matt- I’m almost out of gas… Tory- WHAT?! No way…no way are you stranding me out here in the middle of nowhere… Jesse- (still singing) What’s wrong, guys? Anna- Nothing…just that we’re all going to be stuck out here… Matt- We are NOT! Jesse- (starts tearing) STUCK…? I didn’t even bring a change of underwear…and I forgot to kiss my newt today…I’ll never be able to buy that new A and the C cd I’ve been after…I’ll never see my mom again! (He starts to bawl) Matt- Calm down… Anna- (whispers to Matt) What is “A and the C”? Matt- His code-name for Alvin and the Chipmunks. (He shakes his head) Tory- Jesse…shut up! Jesse- (between sobs) I…CAN’T… Just then Matt’s cell phone rings. Matt- Uh…hello? Frankie, Meagan, Amy, Chris- Hi! Greg- Hey. Matt- Are you guys on speakerphone?? Chris- No, Matt, we’ve all got our own phone and we did six-way to call you. Matt- Oh wow, I didn’t know you could do that. Frankie- Yes, Matt. We are on speakerphone. You do speakerphone too, ok? Matt- Um…I don’t know how…(he looks around the control panel again to try and find a slot to put the cord) Amy- Ask Frankie, he’s the master. Matt- Um…ok. Frankie? Frankie- It’s the slot where you put the lighter I think. Matt- Ok, here goes. (He plugs in the cord) Guys, say hi to them. Anna- Hi guys! Jesse- Hey there, hi there, ho there! Tory- Hi Chris! Matt- Did you guys hear that? Frankie, Meagan, Amy, Chris, Greg- Yep! Matt- Yes…I rock. Meagan- Yes. Cool beans for you, babe. Anyways…we have to pull over, ok? Jesse- Why? Tory- Well, I am going to be sick…so I don’t mind… Chris- You’re going to be sick, hun?? Anna- She is not going to be sick. She just wants attention. Frankie- We have to pull over because- Greg- BECAUSE THERE’S A FIRE OVER THERE AND- Matt- Fire…? Matt, Anna, Tory, and Jesse look at each other and gasp… “JOHN!” Anna- Alright, guys, go ahead and pull over. We’re right behind you. Chris- Iight. Frankie- Um…yeah, Chris. I eat too…but nobody really cares… Greg- Not “I eat”, moron. Frankie- Well that’s what he said! Anna- Be nice to Frankie! Jesse- You eat morons, Greg? I thought you liked pizza… Amy- Maybe he likes morons on his pizza… Meagan- Oh my god you two are stupid… Amy and Jesse- What?! Tory- Ok, guys…we’ll see you in a minute. Everyone says their goodbyes. Amy- WAIT!!!!!!! Chris- OW! Greg- God, woman! Frankie- What the hell’s your problem? Amy- (all excited) Is that A and the C I hear in the background, Jesse? Jesse- Yeah!! Meagan- A and the C…? Chris, Frankie, Greg, Matt- (they all roll their eyes) Alvin and the Chipmunks. *** John is doing his best trying to square dance with Melissa around the fire. John- Swing your partner ‘round and ‘round… Melissa- Tell me what’s that awful sound…oh yeah, that’s John singing. John- Aw, be nice, Pretty Momma. Melissa- Not to you, fag. Just then, a group of nine comes running up to the fire in a single file line. Melissa- (smiling as she shouts) Greg!…Frankie!…Anna!…Matt!…Meagan!…Chris!…Tory!…Jesse!…Amy! Greg- We’ll save you, babe!! Matt, Frankie, and Chris run up to John and push him to the ground, throwing an occasional punch at him. Greg runs over to Melissa’s wheelchair and bends down to kiss her. Meagan, Anna, and Tory prepare a fag-trap behind a bush. Amy and Jesse run over and untie Melissa. John- Ow…ah…ooh…OW! Matt- That’s right, freak… Chris- Take it in, take it all in… Frankie- Take that! (He kicks John where it hurts) John- MY BALL! Chris, Frankie, Matt, Greg, Jesse, Melissa, Tory, Meagan, Anna, Amy- Your BALL?! John- (wincing) The other one’s in a jar on my nightstand… Anna, Meagan, Matt, Frankie, Greg, and Chris collapse in laughter. Tory- EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amy- You…you…you… Jesse- UNIBALL!! Melissa- You have…ew, that is WRONG!!! All ten of them run off to the cars so fast, John thinks he heard a sonic boom. *** Later, back at the hotel… The ten kids sit in the girls’ hotel room. Meagan and Matt sit in a chair, Chris and Tory lean against a headboard, Anna and Frankie lay next to each other on the same bed, their heads at the bottom end of the bed, Greg hugs Melissa as they lean against the wall, and Jesse and Amy sit real close to each other on the other bed, listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks on Amy’s discman. Amy and Jesse- (singing) All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth… Greg- (ignoring the other two) Melissa, are you ok? Melissa- Yeah…I am glad I have such a brave guy to look out for me… Anna- Hey, it was Frankie’s idea to send out the search party. Frankie and Anna smile at each other. Melissa- Aw, thanks Frank. Meagan- Thanks…Frank…haha that rhymes. There is a short pause, and then Anna and Meagan start to laugh. Matt- Uh…yeah…so what was it like with John? Chris- Is it weird to hang out with a “uniball”? (He makes the quotation marks with his fingers) Melissa- Guys…I did not hang out with John. He kidnapped me. Tory- Oh…right… Anna- We all know your true feelings for John… Meagan- Oh you bet…you and Johnny are like peaches and cream. (She gasps, smiling, then she and Tory and Anna start singing) Meagan, Anna, Tory- Peaches and cream…I need it cause you know that I’m a fiend… Greg- Is that true?! Chris- Aw, dude…that’s gross, Melissa Frankie- I never thought one of Anna’s friends would stoop so low… Matt- Meagan, you are friends with a John-lover!?!? Melissa- Guys!! I do NOT like John!!!!! What in the world made you think that?! Anna- Did you have fun by the fire?? Meagan- Ooh! Ooh! Yeah…how was the fire?? Tory- Did he kiss ya?? Melissa- EW!!! No…boring…and NO!!!! Greg- Oh, thank God… Matt- Ew, what if Melissa kissed John? Cause then Greg kissed Melissa by the fire…so that means… Chris- GREG KISSED JOHN! Frankie- EW!!! Meagan leaps up and sprints to the bathroom. Matt- Wait…Meg… Matt jumps up and runs after her, and they lock themselves in the bathroom. Tory- AW!!!!!!!!!! (She “faints” onto Chris’s lap) Chris- (looking at Tory) Aw…how cute! Frankie- Dude…didn’t she just faint…? Anna- Nope…she’s faking it. Melissa- GUYS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DID NOT KISS JOHN NOR DO I LIKE HIM NOR DID I HAVE ANY FUN BY THE FIRE!!! Jesse- (hears shouting and sets down the headphones) You kissed John?!?! Amy- OOH! MELISSA KISSED JOHN!! Greg- (he sinks to the ground in disbelief) I kissed John…somebody shoot me now… Jesse- (shrugs, hopping off the bed) Ok…if you insist. (He picks up a nearby shotgun and points it at Greg, who shields himself with his arms) |