testimony

My name is Dan Howard.This is my story.Its not all great but its all true.When I was a child I couldn't wait to grow up to be an ADULT.It was such a big word and meant big things.I saw adults that I looked up to,drinkin and partyin and havin a heck of a good time! I couldn't wait till I had fun like that.

Well ,so it began,I had my first smoke and knew I was growin up.I was COOL ,I was hangin with the older ,cooler kids and havin fun,,,,,like an adult!They offered me different smoke and I really felt like an adult.Then came the booze and I couldnt have a smoke without a drink,I knew that for sure because the adults in my life had said it so many times , they couldnt be lyin! Well I had made it.I had matured, I was an adult now . Not too many years ago my parents had divorced and here I was an adult already! I had decided then that I didnt need my parents or school anymore. All I needed were my grown up (Adult) friends with drugs and booze, I, was an adult now , smokin,drinkin, gettin high ,havin a great time! I had arrived ,I'd made it!!And I was only 14!It was then I had sex for the first time, just to complete the adult package.

There was nothin left to do now except try all of the above more often and with more energy.I started using cocaine and acid and any kind of pill I could get hold of.THIS became my life and I lived it , all through the careful guidance of adults.
I chose friends that could provide me these things on a daily basis.I made several attempts to change my life because I would get tired of it. I got my girlfriend ,SUE,pregnant and had a son. We named him JORDAN.I was happy for a while but never quit partyin.I don't believe Sue was happy but that didn't matter .We got married ,although her parents didn't really like me.I don't think they thought I was good enough for their daughter,but I really didn't care.They were just sticking their noses in our business and I vowed I'd show them a thing or two.
Well I tired of that soon enough and just walked away from that situation.I went back to my friends time and again and they never let me down,they always got me high,no questions ,always said"glad your back man, we missed ya"!I could always go to the clubhouse or their homes and always be welcomed there with everything I needed, ,which was usually a really good "buzz".I divorced Sue and later married a girl named Stephanie,but I left her too.
But I always had my buddies.They never seemed to fail me.They were family,my "brothers".When I was with them I had respect( or fear) from most everyone outside our lifestyle.When we went to bars or anywhere we had power and control.I could go to any of my favorite "Adult"establishments, get rid of my dope ,fill my pockets with money,get treated like a king and go home loaded.
I used to collect money from addicts with outstanding debts,if they didnt have money I took their tvs, vcrs, trucks ,bikes ,and even their girlfriends but most of the girls didnt mind because they knew they would get their fill of buzzes.I loved the power , it was a drug in itself and I was addicted.I was drunk, stoned and rich .I was a very successful adult!Meanwhile something with my mother had really changed .She had remarried ,a man I wasnt really pleased with( please note that now I admit I couldn't have chosen a better man for my mother ,but sometimes I do feel sorry for him!,,      haha!) she had settled down and was now going to CHURCH!!!!!     I had gone when I was little ,with my grandparents who where christians, but come on , my mom?
Her I am, a drunkin,cheatin ,stealin,drug addict, the toughest guy I know and my Mom becomes a christian!!Get real.Then it starts ,"were prayin for ya Dan","give God a chance Dan"," we dont believe your that bad Dan","God is just waitin for you to turn to him Dan","he'll forgive you and love you" I said" stuff it you bunch of do goodin hypocrites"
Oh yea,I forgot to mention that in 1987, I got back together with Sue for awhile and had a beautiful baby girl we called CANDACE.I really was a crappy dad back then and really do regret with all my heart all the great timesas a father that I missed ,but more importantly the amount of great fathering that my children were robbed of!

CHRISTMAS of '97 there was a change of events caused by my son ,who at the age of 13 , told me that if this was the way life was always going to be ,if I was goin to continue hurting him and his mom and sister,if I was so happy with "bikers",all my girlfriends ,the booze, guns, endless supply of drugs and parties,he didnt really want anything to do with me.!!!AND he said I wasnt a very good DAD!!!
BAM!! What a kick in the head. I had said that about my dad when I was little and vowed I wouldn't become like my father but I had!
When I was younger I had dreams of becoming a vet, an artist, a cowboy ,but instead I chose Adult things like being a drug addict, an alcoholic,a thief,a lier ,a womanizer   plus ,,a very bad father.
Now I knew then I was lacking something ,I couldn't feel, I couldn't sleep,I needed peace.

So I started to do something very strange,I stood back and tried to evaluate my life .I was really going to lose "my" kids.SO I moved back to london and got a job in the village my kids lived in and started the struggle of reestablishing a relationship with my kids. I was still drinking and gettin high but really trying to get a handle on it over the summer.

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