Updates and Stuff!!
| June 25 |
Sigh… certain things just keep popping into my mind… I find more and more than dad seriously does nothing as a dad… in a way these are mom’s view but I must agree… My life now is with my mom. My dad pays my tuition and used to pay my car insurance (1 year) I guess that helped mom out… but now that I got the job at HSBC I guess he sees that as extra income to my mom… That’s not a big deal really… it just… mom’s right about him… I guess he saw that I was working and that that money was pretty much going to me and mom that he could cut that payment… Mom thought that was kinda selfish and I do agree… could it be that he sees my job as added income to my mom… and if so does taking away his small payment of like 130 a month really make a difference to him… I don’t know… he’s supposed to be giving mom 600 a month for raising me… but he hasn’t done that in ages… in all this my thought is that what has my dad done to raise me… does giving money for tuition and maybe a 50 or 100 on occasion make u a father?? I don’t know… but I don’t think so… I see a lot of dads out there… they’re not like mine… personally I think now if I pay for my own tuition and screw any money he’s giving to me, I can almost separate from him… he does so little to raise me (what 3000 a year for tuition?) and he expects so much out of me… blah blah u don’t treat me like a father, blah blah u dun give me respect, u treat everyone else differently… he doesn’t understand shit… When I tell him that I dun like something he’s doing.. he’ll say some Bull Shit like he doesn’t have to, or this isn’t the place… If you tell him he’s doing something wrong he’ll always combat you with something u do wrong or he’ll just stop listening… I’ve tested that b4… I started talking about how his driving was beginning to scare the hell out of me… not signaling, suddenly starting move to the middle of the road.. I was talking about how he should be safer and stuff… then I saw that he was kind not really listening, so I blurted out “ur an idiot…” his response.. nothing… so I said it again… I got an “yeah or whatever”… I think that proves he’s not listening… also one FUCKING annoying thing he does is agree with what your saying and take it off to a tangent.. example: I tell him that he should wear his seatbelt… (something any moron should do) he’s like yeah I noe. So then I explain how if he’s in an accident w/o his seatbelt on then insurance doesn’t cover crap… so yeah then he starts going on about how that’s right and that any idiot should have his seatbelt on and that the fine is like 500 and stuff… After all that.. what does he do? NOTHING!!!! His seatbelt is still off… so what was the purpose of my talk????? I’M TELLING YOU TO PUT UR SEATBELT ON!!!! And u agree! That’s great!!! But after I’m done talking about it, u don’t do it!!!!! I’m just sitting there… ok… WTF was the purpose of talking to you??? I’m telling you that something you’re doing is wrong!!! All u freakin do is divert the blame away from yourself … There’s only 1 good thing I’ve learned from my dad and that’s what NOT to be… if 3000 a year can qualify u as a dad I’m sure many many men could count as 9 fathers… I hope Dad you find someway to read this… I hope you learn a lot from wuts in my head right now... cause if u don’t… then u may never hear the word “dad” again… If fate wishes you to become a better father, then fate will bring u to read this…
Well this leads to more thoughts… If I’m to pay for my own tuition and add on car insurance to my mom’s expense… wuts left for savings and shiet… Mom’s always telling me that her job’s (or any job in a bank) isn’t stable any more! Oh great that makes me feel comfortable… lets see.. we have a car payment, mortgage, leaky condo that we still have to pay, my tuition now, other bills, other expenses, and who knows what else!!! I know mom’s a strong person, and I know if anything were to happen to her that she has 6 more than willing siblings to support her… but I mean… I look at other guys wif jobs now… they’re making money… and they use it themselves… I mean Steve told me the other week that he saw a shirt and he bought it! Instantly! Why cause he has a job/money and he can get it! I don’t know why that bothers me!!!! No I don’t hate steve, but I can’t say I’m not jealous… I mean with EVERY purchase I make I have to think if I can use it for better purposes, help mom with this bill/payment/whatever… she told me that the money I’m making now is our savings… so of course I’m gonna feel guilty spending it!!! I don’t know why mom was given such a harsh life… FUCKED UP men… My dad and Albert… a son that can barely get though first year university… I’m really glad to see that she has 6 supportive siblings and the best friends… for if anything were to happen, I’m sure they’d be what she falls back on… and I know they will be more than willing to help her… but I mean… holy crap… does she attract the worst men… people that use her and can’t see their own faults!!!! That expect more than 500% out of her!!! I don’t really care about me… but I’m afraid that I’m dragging my mom… from what I see I’m more of a burden… and not an easy one… I’ve had to take mom through cancer twice… although it was me in the hospital bed… the one looking down from the side has the harder job… I learned that when mom had her surgery… In addition to that, not many families have a son who need medication that costs almost 500 per 3 months…. Thank god for Medicare… we don’t have t pay that much… Mom always tells me how she thinks if she had not married my dad in the first place how life could have been better for her (maybe that husband would actually KNOW how to be a husband) but then she wouldn’t have me… Well... maybe if she was in that other life she may have gotten a son who would have gotten into Waterloo or something… I dunno… I do agree with her… as a son I don’t give her much trouble… but could she have had a better life??? I mean she’s so strong… and she’s willing to take the challenges ahead with me… but I want her to have a better life… not this life of single, bad men, stupid son kinda life… I look at many mom’s and I feel she has the hardest job… I want to make her life easier.. but I don’t know how… all I can do is study harder she says, come out of U quick and find a job to help her… I wanna do that mom… but am I even smart enough to come out of University??? Besides Failing out!!!!
Just somethings to get off my mind...
