The other day I was talking to a kid about the situation in Afghanistan. "We shouldn't be bombing innocent people," he said.
"Who is bombing innocent people? Last time I checked we were bombing the Taliban," I replied.
This made the kid irate. "WE ARE HITTING INNOCENT PEOPLE!" he shouted.
"How do you know they are innocent? We are hitting not only the taliban but also the groups of people responsible for hiding and funding the taliban all these years," I replied. Now here is a good tip; In most cases when you see five veins burst in the forehead of the person you are talking to, call for medical assistance. In the case of five veins bursting in the forehead of a peace studies major while discussing Afghanistan, run for your life. (If you are wondering how a peace studies major can survive after bursting five veins located in the forhead, don't worry-blood never gets to their brain anyway so there is no notable difference internally or visably).
So anyway, the kids eyes twitched, he convulsed, and foamed at the mouth for a good ten minutes. I thought it must have been the cafeteria food but then I realized that I had just gotten into a discussion on war with a peace studies major. This is situation is comparable to trying to feed the bears at a national forest: when the sign says 'don't feed the bears, man, you'd better not feed the bears'. No wait, actually the situation is more comparable to discussing anything with a raving madman who possesses the intelligence and logical thought of a three day old slice of meatloaf (the kind where three inches of reddish colored goop on top makes it tough to wonder if it is actually made of meat). Another thing worth noting is that peace studies majors usually seem willing to physically fight you and kill you during a heated discussion on the topic of peace.
So after soiling himself and regaining control of his mental faculties I was forced to listen to a twenty minute tirade on the evil United States and the horrible results of war.
"Well, what should do in this situation? Surely we cannot just let the killing of FIVE THOUSAND American civilians go unpunished?" I asked.
"We should apprehend Bin Laden and try him in a military court," he said. This statement provoked about a thousand thoughts which ran around wildly in my head before they all ran into each other and fell down. And that is when I suddenly let go of all intelligent rational thought and saw it from his point of view. He was right. The killing of even one more innocent civilian is too great of an outrage to allow any bombing to go on. In fact, when we go try to apprehend Bin Laden we shouldn't even bring guns, because an innocent civilian might accidentally get shot. We should go in armed with Windex and Nerf Balls, and prance up to cave #23004, the one with the cute little garden out in front and sayin a cheery-sing-song voice, "Bin! We are here to apprehend you good chap, but don't worry, we are friendly! We don't want any more trouble! In fact, we didn't even come armed, we have Windex and Nerf Balls! Would you kindly like to come with us? We'll stop for Arby's on the way home." I think he'd go for that. Wouldn't you? But then I came my senses when in my dream Bin Laden started a pickup game of Nerf Football with the Allied army and I said, "What do you think we tried to do Sherlock? We told them to give themselves up or get bombed! They chose to get bombed! SO BOMB! BOMB I SAY!"
Each time I said the word he quivered as though he had been jolted by electricity. His face contorted in pain, but I was not to be deterred. Now I got up and stood on my chair, thrusting my finger in the air: "BOMB! BOMB! BOMB EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! BOMB!" He then ran from the room in a panic covering his ears.
So I guess the moral of the story is if you ever get into a discussion on war with a peace studies major, the only way to avoid being attacked in a very un-peacelike manner is to start shouting violent slogans at them. The end.