Thursday, February 5th, 2004 - I'll Go Where You Send Me?

Tonight, God really did some amazing things. I missed Intervarsity to hear a Christian speaker who visited campus from California - he gave a message and had an altar call (where people come up if they want to commit their lives to following Jesus). I had the awesome opportunity to pray for/over some people who made decisions tonight. Amidst all of that, I became emotionally overwhelmed and broke down crying.

Afterward, one of the ping pong guys (a guy who likes to play ping pong) came up to me and shared a word of prophecy, definitely one of his spiritual gifts. He told me that personal growth in our relationship with God is awesome and always essential, but that there also come times when God calls us to go to the next level outwardly - taking a step up in sharing God's love and our faith with others. He encouraged me to be ready for when that time comes and when God calls me to take a step of boldness, to take at it full throttle and let God do all that He wants to through me.

I don't have to question whether this was from God or not - as I meditated on it, He has been pushing this for some time. I really feel that the start of next semester is going to be a big, crucial time wherever I end up for school. I have not had many experiences of sharing my faith, so God has also been putting things in front of me for even this semester. He has been calling me to do a thing called a "focus group" through Crusade, which is somewhat like a gig (group investigating God) but is geared toward people who maybe aren't even searching. Also, a lot of talks with friends recently have given rise to a greater realization of "Kingdom focus" - to be the salt and light, showing God's love with boldness to people who don't know Him.

After further meditation, I realized why I was crying so intensely tonight. I wasn't happy crying for those who chose to start following Jesus; I was sad crying about my failure to take God's challenge before me. Seeing lives changed for God's Kingdom aroused this realization in me - that God has been calling me to so much more than I've been living up to or letting Him do through me. This morning, after reading "eternal blessings" in Psalm 21:6, I meditated on things eternal, which led to meditating on what hell would be like and just how bad it would be (at the time it seemed like one of my tangents, but maybe it wasn't). God was giving me a greater realization of just how great He is and how crucial His mission is here on earth for all people.

I know that God wants to do so much more than I can even imagine now through me, but I haven't been taking the opportunities which He has given me. I have so selfishly placed my focus on personal improvement in my relationship with God, which is a good thing, but not if it is the only main focus and God's will for me through that closer relationship is shoved out of the picture. Basically, God's showing me that the balance is off - I'm zeroing in on myself way too much. In my head, I even go as far to make excuses like, "I'm not good at making friends with non-Christians," "I'm being torn apart by lack of close friendships," or even, "there's some things not right with my life that I need to take care of with God before I can do that." It just may be that this reverting of focus is really the major thing that I need to let God take care of.

God is totally breaking me right now, and I know that I need it so much. I know that He's refining me for what's up ahead - I can sense that something big is coming on the way. I want to be so ready and willing to let God do His work through me when He calls, so I praise Him for this time of preparation. I only pray that I will stop being lazy, stop lacking trust in God, and stop being so whack in general. The only thing holding back the floodwaters of God is the river dam of Doug's unwillingness to go forth and make disciples of all nations. I have such an easy job description in the big firm; I only pray that I will let God complete his tuning in time for the concert.

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