Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004 - I Will Follow

God is so faithful! I have been struggling to surrender myself completely to Christ for about the last 3 months. I have known that God is preparing me for something big by teaching me through this struggle, and it has been a long one because I have been so rebellious and stubborn. Today, God showed me 1 Samuel 15:23 - "Rebellion is as bad as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as bad as worshiping idols." It has taken quite awhile for me to open myself up to God, surrender unrepented sins and idols to Him, and let His Spirit fill and teach me in preparation for what is ahead.

I know that people have been praying for me, and God was faithful to those prayers. He spoke through some great friends in Christ different truths in the last week; these helped me to realize where my struggle originated, the spiritual warfare that has gone on, and the lies of the Enemy that I have listened to. I have had a hard time falling into sin again after repenting of it, so God showed me a verse which has been key for me - "He has removed our rebellious acts as far away from us as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). This was a very freeing truth to re-realize.

God has taught me quite a bit through this struggle, yet He continues to reveal new aspects of it still. One thing that He is definitely pressing into me is grasping that our relationship should be unaffected by circumstance. I have been without accountability or much fellowship up here in Duluth, so God has been refining me to rely even greater upon Him in everything, even up to the point of retaining the desire to spend time with Him. God has also been conforming my heart to be more willing to follow Him unconditionally.

God has continued to replace my rebellion with obedience through an intriguing exchange we had today. He put the impression on me to stay in Duluth next fall (one which has surfaced before, which I ignored); this was unpleasant news to me and caused me to remember back to part of the origin of my struggle. I didn't want to consider the possibility of staying, and that became a form of disobedience. So when God brought it up again today, I responded first with despair, but then with an obedient heart - "Okay God, if you really want me to stay in Duluth, I will; I can accept what you have for me." Once my heart changed, God expressed a joyful response and showed me that that isn't actually His will for me - He just wanted me to be willing, in the event that it was.

That might sound kind of confusing. Basically, God showed me obedience by leading me in a direction which I didn't want to go, seeing if I would follow. Once I finally accepted in my heart God's will regardless of where it led me, He showed me that I didn't have to actually do it - He just wanted to see that I was willing. I knew that there had to be a good parallel here to a Bible story, and it just hit me now. It's the story of Abraham and Isaac in Moriah in Genesis 22:1-18. God is teaching me to be more like Abraham in obedience, following His will upon request (instead of 3 months later). And Abraham's sacrifice was leagues greater than my own!

I know that God's timing is impeccable as always, with a spring break missions trip and decisions about this summer and next fall all coming up. I found out tonight that the Big Break trip is actually going to cost more than I originally thought, so I rely even more on God to provide for that. As for what I'm doing in the future, this summer looks like possibly working at a Christian camp, and next fall looks like I'll be taking a semester at home, going to WWTC and working full time. But if you know me, that changes on a weekly basis, so ask me next Monday what the plan of the week is. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me, God has been so faithful!

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