Thursday, October 9th, 2003 - Feeling Down?

Today shone through as a day different from others in the past couple weeks - let me explain how so.

Today was a day quite absent of feeling, as in lacking any real strong emotions (of any kind). Often times, days like this in the past have been labeled "just an ordinary day." I woke up and continued communal conversation with God from the night before, but I didn't have the feeling of emotion that God is all around me and helping me in every activity. At this point, I was presented with a choice; I could react to this change of feeling in different ways.

In circumstances like this in the past, sometimes I have put God on the back burner for awhile simply because I wasn't feeling Him -- I was basing my relationship with Christ on emotions, to an extent. Awhile ago, I had a conversation with a dear friend (a great mentor for me, although he probably doesn't realize how much he is) who encouraged me that it is not about emotions; how we feel is irrelevant to who Christ is and our identity in Him. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:9). This greatly changed my perspective, but I could still catch myself acting according to my feelings, at times, since then.

It's been my desire for a long time to grow continually more solid in knowing my identity in Christ, being honest and confident in it, and directing my praise and adoration towards God no matter what I was feeling at the time. Slowly, God has been showing me how more and more over time.

But today was different yet; it was unlike any other time for me, so I couldn't understand it by examining my previous circumstances (in the words of a loving friend). It is difficult to explain since I don't think I completely understand it myself; some things (especially things characteristic of God) cannot be explained, only experienced. But I'm going to try to tell you somewhat of what it was like.

I went through my day acknowledging God's presence in everything around me, adoring Him for who He was. I didn't feel Him surrounding me as I had felt in the past week each day, but I knew that was no reason to praise Him for who He was any less. Even with the absence of the immense feeling sometimes associated with experiencing God, He wasn't any less real or present to me. But the way I worded that almost sounds deceiving, because I didn't feel that He was real or present; it is something that I have complete, undoubted faith in based on my relationship with Him, what He has shown me through that relationship, and the person that I know that I am, now that I live for Christ and acknowledge His Spirit within me.

I don't know if what I've said or am trying to say makes sense to you, whomever may be reading this. Since I experienced joy in a mental and emotional state of neutrality (although I didn't experience a great happy feeling, it wasn't necessarily a negative or sad feeling either), I question whether joy is purely an emotion or an emotion at all. I used to think it was an emotion, but now I'm not so sure; it could be, but I don't think it necessarily has to be.

I'm not really saying my point in a very comprehensible way, but God just laid something on my heart, so I'm going to see if it makes sense this way. Starting with the innermost part of ourselves, there is the soul, the heart, the mind, and the emotions (the outermost). When we die, only our soulds remain; therefore, in my words, the soul is "who we really are." Once we choose to follow Christ, our soul does not divert from that, no matter what lies Satan puts in our minds (even if those thoughts affect our hearts). I don't want to get into "once-saved, always-saved" or not argument; I don't mean to touch on that here - it is a whole nother discussion.

So the soul is the essence of self. Christ's message is to be transformed from the inside out; that would mean once your soul is with Christ, allow Him to take your heart, your thoughts, and then your emotions (in that order). Now Satan, on the other hand, works from the outside in. During times of negative emotions, Satan comes with negative thoughts to feed off of negative emotions, in hopes of distracting our hearts from following Christ (an attempt to keep our hearts from continually conforming to the shape of our souls - the Holy Spirit Himself).

You may not completely agree with this explanation of this aspect of life that I have given here, but it is what I'm using to explain what happened recently and today. God changed my heart after a really rough time once I took joy in what I knew of my soul - that it is with Christ and remains in Him. My thoughts followed, and God even blessed me with feelings of comfort and happiness (emotions are blessings; it's a good thing to feel good, but remember that this is not required to still know that God is present and exactly the same as when we don't feel those emotions).

Today, God chose not to give those same feelings to me (and I'm very thankful He didn't, but we'll get to that). Once Satan realized this, he saw his chance and took a jump at my mind. Through communion with God, He had also been infiltrating my mind at the time. So what I think happened is a clash between the thoughts, and that is why I'm not completely sure and am somewhat oblivious to the Spiritual realm and battle that is going on between the two.

But it didn't matter to me, and it still doesn't. Because even though my emotions and partly my mind were in neutral states, my heart stood unhindered from worshiping God. He has transformed my heart (over time) more to that of my soul, so that it (my heart) was full of joy for Christ and all that is employed within His character. So that is what I was trying to say before; I was not joyful in my mind/emotions, but I was completely in my heart. It was a different experience, and I cannot describe it in any better way. But I love it and am so joyful still, for I know who I am now that I have been made new in Christ! I don't care if I'm just not "feeling" God right now -- that really isn't what matters at all.

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