Monday, November 3rd, 2003 - Fall Retreat

The first time I wrote out this post, it was quite long, so this one will be shorter and more to the point (I hope).

I went into this past weekend praying that God would reveal any hidden motives or sins in my heart by any means He felt necessary. I was expecting God to put me through a struggle or tough situation to shift my world a bit and cause me to turn to Him. God was faithful to my prayer, but not in the way that I was expecting Him to be.

I was really distracted from connecting with God all day Friday and most of Saturday. There were many events going on one after the other at the retreat, and I struggled to find a warm, quiet place where I could spend time with God and lay my heart before Him. Unfortunately, I fell asleep for much of the scheduled time set aside for talking with God Saturday morning, and my mind continued to be distracted until Saturday night.

During worship that night, I stopped singing and sat down in my chair; I finally told Him what was on my mind, and He responded immediately. He showed me that I have been carrying hidden pride by neglecting to consciously give God credit for all the things He has been doing in my life. I didn't consciously give myself credit either, but by subconsciously neglecting to have an attitude of worship in enjoying God's blessings, I have held a form of pride within my heart so "subtle" that I have not recognized it myself (big surprise, I know :) ).

I started just bawling and even trembling a little in my chair, drowning out the singing voices all around me. I confessed my pride and lack of humility among other things, and continued to pray that God would reveal Himself to me "Isaiah 6" style. I asked that God would help me to put Him and His huge-ness into perspective compared to little me, that I would realize my own failure apart from Him and grow to complete dependence on His touch for everything.

God continued to show His faithfulness in that the speaker spoke to my heart later that night for the first time in the retreat. He made the comment, "The greatest enemy of the best is the good." He went on to explain that the good things in life can keep us from God if we are not willing to put Him before them. He said that the good things we enjoy apart from God are more likely to keep us from Him because they are more hidden sins than the blatant "bad things" that we turn to.

The speaker continued by challenging the group to make a list of all the good things we enjoy in life (family, friends, sports, financial security, ice cream); then, go down the list and ask yourself if you would be willing to completely give that item up if God asked you to do so. I remembered a modern story of a guy who God called out to the desert for 15 years, and the guy was obedient to spend that time away from absolutely everything but God for that long. Don't take this out of context and think that God calls us all to leave everything and go live in the desert for awhile - that was just for this guy.

I thought of how God asked me to leave my family and friends behind in La Crosse by coming to Duluth this year. I followed His plan, and He has been so faithful through all of it; I could go on for a long time about everything He has been doing in my time here. But what He showed me this weekend was that ever since then, I have been much less willing to be obedient, and even that has been hidden along with the pride. Subconsciously, I became prideful that I honored God's will through obedience and then digressed in seeking to be further obedient to God's will in "smaller" situations.

I didn't quite get the long, difficult struggle that I thought I was in for, but I am so thankful that God revealed my heart and intentions so that I can allow Him to come in more wholly and shape me to match His character. In short, He said to me this weekend, "Get off your pedestal, home skillet, and start cookin' up those curly fries." I don't know if that made much sense to you, but it sounded like a really good way to end.

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