Wednesday, December 24th, 2003 - Still Running

My original thoughts for this post were quite different, but since I have been running from this for quite some time, I retreated even from that first idea. God is showing me that I run from relationships - even from the very thought of a relationship. Some time ago, I set my mind upon celibacy and have ignorantly been striving towards it ever since.

The truth is, celibacy is a gift - even a spiritual gift (1 Cor 7:7). I have tried to "take on" that gift and act as if I had it, and now God is showing me that I don't have that self-control. In other words, He has marriage planned for me. And as much as I like to avoid it, some sort of courting relationship will precede the I Do's. I wanted to fake cry when I realized all this - I don't like to consider the possibility of a relationship.

Why do I run from it? I think a lot of reasons contribute to this fact: I have seen very few people my age in positive, Christ-centered relationships (rather, it seems to be a struggle in faith for many); the Bible says that it's better to be single if you can handle it; I've never been in a relationship, so I don't feel that emotional tug that many people feel; I greatly enjoy being just friends with everyone; and I have this longing to be whole and complete in God alone, free from any other desire. If only I fled from sin like I flee from the thought of a relationship!

I have to be honest; I am still running from relationships to some degree. I think that I am afraid that once I open myself up to the idea, I will go crazy and regress somewhat to my old self - back in high school, I had a crush on every last girl in youth group at one point or another. And that is definitely much more worse off than where I am now. It comes down to being comfortable; I'm comfortable where I'm at with blocking out relationships, yet God is calling me to a change of heart which may be uncomfortable.

My original idea for this post was to lay out a whole bunch of info on courting, dating, and relationships and also how I may have to start considering such thoughts. I decided to separate the two and just explain what He's been showing me, but I do hope to write out all the other stuff, too. Thinking of God as a bride gave way to this whole relationship idea, so looking back at the progression that has led me to this point makes so clear what God is trying to tell me. But no, God... take my hand, lead me from this land.... I'm still running even though I know it's in the wrong direction, but I do know what I'm supposed to do. I just have to actually do it now... nuts. Zootalore.

Back to Main Page