There is no surer way to misread any document than to read it literally. - Learned Hand, jurist (1872-1961)
Life is never what you want it to be. You just have to live it like it is.
There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. - Dalai Lama
Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; Some blunders and absurdities crept in; Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
If men could regard the events of their own lives with more open minds, they would frequently discover that they did not really desire the things they failed to obtain. - Emile Herzog, writer (1885-1967)
I was never less alone than when by myself. - Edward Gibbon, historian (1737-1794)
If a triangle could speak, it would say, that God is eminently triangular, while a circle would say that the divine nature is eminently circular. - Baruch Spinoza, philosopher (1632-1677)
He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. - Edmund Burke, statesman and writer (1729-1797)
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that? A bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." George Carlin
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. - George Carlin
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." - George Carlin
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it." - George Carlin
I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
"Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol." - George Carlin
"There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." - George Carlin
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. - George Carlin
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." - George Carlin
"Now when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans!" -Ned Flanders as the King of Troy
"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." - Mark Twain
"Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?" - Marilyn Monroe
"When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner
"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." --Bob Hope
"Winston, you are drunk." - Lady Astor
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" - Winston Churchill
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. -Steven Wright
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." -Bryan White
I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe
Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. - Allison Raul
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. - Oscar Wilde
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. -W.C. Fields
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
'Times fun when you're having flies' ~ Kermit the Frog
"I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light." - Woody Allen
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Mark Twain
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schultz
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Nietzsche
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. -Ellen DeGeneres
"Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks." -Ernest Hemingway
Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again. - W. C. Fields
'Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.' Mary Pickford
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Butler Leacock
"A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is a utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep." - Elain on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - David Letterman
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." (Albert Einstein)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
"Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds" - Albert Einstein
"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King
"A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears
"To err is human, but it feels divine!" - Mae West
"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -George W. Bush
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." - Isaac Asimov
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources."
Men of genius are often dull and inert in society, as a blazing meteor when it descends to earth, is only a stone. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet (1819-1892)
"Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher." -Japanese proverb
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy." - Henry Kissinger
"Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing animaginary menagerie?"
"She's got that 'chewing gum' walk: very Wrigley!" - Ralph Wiggum
"Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff." (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
"A word after a word after a word is power." -Margaret Atwood, poet and novelist (1939- )
"I'd rather drink a beer than win father of the year!" - Homer Simpson.
"Life is far too important to be taken seriously."--Oscar Wilde
"Children are natural mimics, who act like theirparents despite every effort to teach them good manners."
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." - Isaac Asimov
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace
"Men of genius are often dull and inert in society, as a blazing meteor when it descends to earth, is only a stone." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet (1819-1892)
"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." -Will Durant, historian (1885-1981)
"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." - Oscar Wilde
"If I seem to take part in politics, it is only because politics encircles us today like the coil of a snake from which one cannot get out, no matter how much one tries. I wish therefore to wrestle with the snake." -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
If "knowledge is power," why does stupidity reign?
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. -Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, and musician (1875-1965)
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin
You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" -- Brian O'Rourke
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -Henny Youngman
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -- W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -- Ernest Hemingway
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" -- Jack Handy
Every man is a damned fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. -Elbert Hubbard, author, editor, printer (1856-1915)
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. -Irish proverb
A duck walks into a bar, hops on a barstool, and asks the barkeep, "Got any grapes?"
"Grapes? We don't have grapes, just booze and peanuts."
"Oh," says the duck, disappointed, and he leaves. The next day, he's back in the bar. He hops up on a barstool and asks the barkeep, "Got any grapes?"
"Hey, weren't you in here yesterday? I told you, we don't have any grapes! Now scram!"
Obligingly, the duck scrams, but the next day, he's in the bar again. He jumps onto a barstool and, predictably, asks the long-suffering barkeep, "Got any grapes?"
"No!" shouts the barkeep. "We don't have any grapes! This is not a supermarket! If you come in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'll nail your little beak to the bar! Now get your feathered tail out of here!"
The duck leaves, but the next day he walks back into the bar and hops onto a barstool. The barkeep spots him and his cheeks start to turn red, but before he can say anything the duck pipes up, "Got any nails?"
"Now it's nails!" cries the barkeep. "NO, we don't have any nails!"
"Oh good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
One kind word can warm three winter months. -Japanese proverb
I was having a really bad day, and my friend asked me what was wrong. I looked her and said, in all seriousness, 'It's been a long day this week.'
In German class we were learning the names of professions. Well, we had to say what we wanted to be when we were adults (in German, of course) and Kate said with enthusiasim 'I'd like to be a veteranarian!' only ended up screwing up the pronunciation. The German teacher (who was from Germany and knew the language better than English) gasped and her eyes went wide, then she smiled and had to keep herself from laughing as she said 'You shouldn't say things like that!' Immediately, some guys when to the dictionary to see what she said, and started laughing hysterically. Then we all went over to see (but didn't tell Kate) , and all of us were in hysterics. Kate demanded to know what she said, and when we told her her face went all red and she was stunned. What she said was (translated literally) 'I want to be an animal f***er!'
"I just hate it when people ask me food and I have questions in my mouth!" -Ellie B
A co-worker had herbal cough drops that had Echinacea in them, and when she offered me one during a coughing fit, she said "do you want one of these new cough drops with euthenasia in it?" um, thanks, I'll pass....
More from http://coolsig.com
"Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Quotes from Rugby commentator, Murray Mexted, that sound dirty, but are not.
"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."
"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."
"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"
"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."
"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."
"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."
"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"
"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."
Golf Related Quotes
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No Thanks! I've Already Got A Penguin!!
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming?
The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.
It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.
If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
A gentle stream can split a mountain, given enough time.
I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'
If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse?
A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, then it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose.
No-one suspects the butterfly! - Bart Simpson
'Did you sleep well?' 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.' - Steve Wright
Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the round table eating vinegar with a fork.
One bright day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. Drew their swords, and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the sound, and put those boys back in the ground. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask Harry the blind man, he saw it, too.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.
Sanity is not my strong point. -Pelican Bob
There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie
If you're standing on your head, and you pull your pants down, is that really such a bad thing?
Nerdy Quotes
Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards.
ebius coolsig. This is a moebius coolsig. This is a mo ...
In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Black holes suck.
Geologists rock your world.
The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.
Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."' - Isaac Asimov
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive.
Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.
The Benoit/Blamey Theory of Thermo-Sock-Dynamics: Why bother to do laundry, when the inevitable loss of a sock will just increase entropy and contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe anyway?
Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.
Be careful with water -- it's full of hydrogen and oxygen!
Inteligent comments made by people involved with sports:
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" -Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
"It's almost like we have ESPN." -Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." -Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982.
"Tom." -Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.
"I'll always be Number 1 to myself." -Moses Malone
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. -Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model
"I lost it in the sun!" -Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." -Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." -Bill Peterson, football coach
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." -Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991
"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it." -Football coach Ray Malavasi
"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." -Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." -Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs, 1986
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. -New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers
"Girls shouldn't play with men's balls. Their hands are too small." ---Senator Wally Horn of Iowa talking about girls sports in school--specifically, what size basketball they should use.
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls andkisses them." ---US golf commentator
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" ---Alan Minter
The best quotes from Sky TVs rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted:
"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."
"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."
"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"
"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."
"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."
"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."
"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"
"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer. Hannah, age 9 Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. Michael, age 14 Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, age 10 When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, age 11 A puppy always has bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac. Andrew, age 9 Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, age 11 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi, age 15 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, age 10 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, age 8 Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. ---Charles Schulz
"There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about the things which are beyond the power of our will" --Epictetus, Greek philosopher
The road uphill and the road downhill are one and the same. -Heraclitus, philosopher
There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed. -Buddha
A room without books is like a body without a soul. -Marcus Tullius Cicero, statesman, orator, writer (106-43 B.C)
"It wasn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." --Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS
For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia. -Unknown
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. -Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914)
Mary had a little skirt Split right up the sides, And every time she wore that skirt The boys could see her thighs. She also had another skirt Split right up the front But she never wore that oneTime is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. -Carl Sandburg, poet (1878-1967)
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. -Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the U.S (1809-1865)
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in. -Alan Alda, actor and director (1936-)
Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. -Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet and philosopher (1772-1834)
People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within. -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, psychiatrist and author (1926- )
I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmitted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmitted into a power that can move the world. -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. -Leo Tolstoy, novelist and philosopher (1828-1910)
The teacher is like the candle which lights others in consuming itself. -Giovanni Ruffini, writer (1807-1881)
Reading makes a full man, meditation a profound man, discourse a clear man. -Benjamin Franklin
Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher. -Japanese proverb
Men of genius are often dull and inert in society, as a blazing meteor when it descends to earth, is only a stone. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet (1819-1892)
One's age should be tranquil, as childhood should be playful. Hard work at either extremity of life seems out of place. At midday the sun may burn, and men labor under it; but the morning and evening should be alike calm and cheerful. -Thomas Arnold, educator (1795-1842)
Authority without wisdom is like a heavy axe without an edge, fitter to bruise than polish. -Anne Bradstreet, poet (1612-1672)
Nature magically suits a man to his fortunes, by making them the fruit of his character. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you. -Maya Angelou, poet (1928- )
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -Navajo Proverb
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. -Will Durant, historian (1885-1981)
If I seem to take part in politics, it is only because politics encircles us today like the coil of a snake from which one cannot get out, no matter how much one tries. I wish therefore to wrestle with the snake. -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone." Ralph Waldo Emerson
We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. -Michel Montaigne, essayist (1533-1592)
The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else. -Arnold Bennett, novelist (1867-1931)
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
In seeking wisdom, the first step is silence, the second listening, the third remembering, the fourth practicing, the fifth -- teaching others. -Ibn Gabirol, poet and philosopher (c. 1022-1058)
Many individuals have, like uncut diamonds, shining qualities beneath a rough exterior. - Juvenal, poet (c. 60-140)
A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body. -Sarah Margaret Fuller, author (1810-1850)
When you re-read a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in yourself than there was before. -Clifton Fadiman, editor and critic (1904-1999)
Everyone is a genius at least once a year. -Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, scientist and philosopher (1742-1799)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
The best effect of fine persons is felt after we have left their presence. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
Pleasure is very seldom found where it is sought; our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks. -Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)
Every saint has a past and every sinner a future. -Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)
Nothing worse could happen to one than to be completely understood. -Carl Gustav Jung, psychiatrist (1875-1961)
If you would stand well with a great mind, leave him with a favorable impression of yourself; if with a little mind, leave him with a favorable impression of himself. -Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet and philosopher (1772-1834)
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. -Edgar Allan Poe, poet and short-story writer (1809-1849)
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1533-1592)
May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.
"It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex." ---Tracy Smith
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. -Lao-Tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)
Nature does nothing uselessly. -Aristotle (384-322 BCE)
Assassination: The extreme form of censorship. -George Bernard Shaw, writer, Nobel laureate (1856-1950)
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
"Everyone's future is, in reality, an urn full of >unknown treasures from which all may draw unguessed prizes" -Lord Dunsany, English author
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -Frank Lloyd Wright, architect (1867-1959)
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -e.e. cummings, poet (1894-1962)
"You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old." -George Burns
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. -Carl Jung, psychiatrist (1875-1961)
All art, all education, can be merely a supplement to nature. -Aristotle (B.C. 384-322)
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does >any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch, American author, editor, and teacher
"Authors like cats because they are such quiet, >lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons." -Robertson Davies, Canadian novelist and journalist
"When I play with my cat, who knows but that she regards >me more as a plaything than I do her."
Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem: You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you. The whole bar says, "Hi!" when you come in. "Hi ociffer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"Coincidences are spiritual puns. -G.K. Chesterton, essayist and novelist (1874-1936)
Thirsty days hath September, April, June and November; All the rest are thirsty too Except for him who hath home brew.Be one who drinks the finest of ales. Every day without fail. Even when you have drank enough, Remember that ale is wonderful stuff.Champagne costs too much, Whiskey's too rough, Vodka puts big mouths in gear. This little refrain Should help to explain Why it's better to order a beer!For every wound, a balm. For every sorrow, cheer. For every storm, a calm. For every thirst, a beer.Not all those that wander are lost. -J.R.R. Tolkien, novelist and philologist (1892-1973)
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. -Lily Tomlin
Ignorance is the mother of admiration. -George Chapman
"I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them." -Judy Gold
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt, diplomat, author, and lecturer (1884-1962)
The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists. -Japanese proverb
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln
Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., US Supreme Court Justice (1841-1935)
An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. -Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Mitch Ratliffe
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -Robert Frost
Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." -Jim Bishop
If you are going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. -Josh Billings, columnist and humorist (1818-1885)
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost, poet (1874-1963)
There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up a pen to write. -William Makepeace Thackeray, novelist (1811-1863)
A new 'scientific truth' does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. Max Planc [1949]
Of all nature's gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children? -Marcus Tullius Cicero, statesman, orator, writer (106-43 BCE)
There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people. -Mr. Garrison, South Park.
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'you have to put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny." - George Carlin
Heck is a place people go if they don't believe in gosh.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. -Hanlon's Razor
I don't need time. What I need is a deadline. -Duke Ellington, jazz pianist, composer, and conductor (1899-1974)
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Ratliffe
To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. -Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US President (1858-1919)
Every reader finds himself. The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument that makes it possible for the reader to discern what, without this book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself. -Marcel Proust, novelist (1871-1922)
If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day, he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer. But if he spends his days as a speculator, shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time, he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen. -Henry David Thoreau, naturalist and author (1817-1862)
You think your pains and heartbreaks are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who have ever been alive. -James Baldwin, writer (1924-1987)
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -Scott Adams, cartoonist (1957- )
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra
Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark out of a stone than a moral. -John Burroughs, naturalist and writer (1837-1921)
"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel." - Homer Simpson
Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have. -Edward Everett Hale, clergyman and author (1822-1909)
It is chiefly through books that we enjoy intercourse with superior minds. -William Ellery Channing, clergyman and writer (1780-1842)
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark." - Steven Wright
"I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head." - Yogi Berra
He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead. - Voltaire
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. -E dward Abbey, naturalist and author (1927-1989)
Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. - Paulo Freire, educator (1921-1997)
"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." - W.W.Renwick
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." - F. P. Jones
"Reading is the basics of all learning." - George W. Bush
Beware the fury of the patient man. - John Dryden, poet and dramatist (1631-1700)
"We do not stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
No two persons ever read the same book. - Edmund Wilson, critic (1895-1972)
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight... The truly wise person is color-blind. -Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (1875-1965)
To the question whether I am a pessimist or an optimist, I answer that my knowledge is pessimistic, but my willing and hoping are optimistic. -Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (1875-1965)
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -Arthur C Clarke, science fiction writer (1917- )
"If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time."
As you slide down the banister of life,
May the splinters never point the wrong way."The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do." - Homer Simpson
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. - Robert Louis Stevenson, novelist, essayist, and poet (1850-1894)
Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. -Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)
If the secret sorrows of everyone could be read on their forehead, how many who now cause envy would suddenly become the objects of pity. -Italian proverb
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's, only one begins with an R." - Dennis Miller
Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive."
If you don't execute your ideas, they die. -Roger von Oech, author and consultant
"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but know what to do with it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are so fond of being out among nature, because it has no opinions about us. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. - Dalai Lama
I feel we are all islands -- in a common sea. - Anne Morrow Lindbergh, writer (1906-2001)
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste they hurry past it. -Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher (1813-1855)
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. - Buddha (c. 566-480 BCE)
Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do? - Epicurus, philosopher (c. 341-270 BCE)
If the gods listened to the prayers of men, all humankind would quickly perish since they constantly pray for many evils to befall one another. - Epicurus, philosopher (c. 341-270 BCE)
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. - Garrison Keillor, radio host and author (1942- )
Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both. - John Andrew Holmes
Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment. - . Buckminster Fuller, engineer, designer, and architect (1895-1983)
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. - Barnett Cocks
Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, poet, dramatist, novelist, and philosopher (1749-1832)
The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think. -Edwin Schlossberg, designer (1945- )
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers. For thine is The Beer, The Bitter, The Lager. Forever and ever, Barmen.Without nipples, breasts would be pointless." - Anonymous
Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness. - Aristotle, philosopher (384-322 BCE)
Blessed is he who has found his work; let him ask no other blessedness. -Thomas Carlyle, essayist and historian (1795-1881)
A new 'scientific truth' does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. - Max Planc [1949]
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln
"I never laugh until I've had my coffee." - Clark Gable
If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it. - Margaret Fuller, author (1810-1850)
Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles. - George Jean Nathan, author and editor (1882-1958)
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? - Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1533-1592)
Clay is moulded to make a vessel, but the utility of the vessel lies in the space where there is nothing. Thus, taking advantage of what is, we recognize the utility of what is not. - Lao Tzu, philosopher (circa 600 BCE)
In the presence of eternity, the mountains are as transient as the clouds. - Robert Green Ingersoll, lawyer and orator (1833-1899)
When you re-read a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in yourself than there was before. - Clifton Fadiman, editor and critic (1904-1999)
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." - Isaac Asimov
"Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?" - Marilyn Monroe
"When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." -Gracie Allen
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner
"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." - Bob Hope
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. - Steven Wright
"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." - Bryan White
I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe
Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. - Allison Raul
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. - Oscar Wilde
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. -W.C. Fields
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
'Times fun when you're having flies' ~ Kermit the Frog
"I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light."- Woody Allen
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Mark Twain
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schultz
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Nietzsche
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
"Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks." - Ernest Hemingway
Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again. - W. C. Fields
'Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.' Mary Pickford
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Butler Leacock
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - David Letterman
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." (Albert Einstein)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
"Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds" - Albert Einstein
"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King
"A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -Britney Spears
"To err is human, but it feels divine!" - Mae West
"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -George W. Bush
"I just hate it when people ask me food and I have questions in my mouth!" - Ellie B
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace
Men of genius are often dull and inert in society, as a blazing meteor when it descends to earth, is only a stone. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet (1819-1892)
Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher. - Japanese proverb
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy." - Henry Kissinger
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry
Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"She's got that 'chewing gum' walk: very Wrigley!" - Ralph Wiggum
"Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff." (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them. T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming? The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'. It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50. If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey? If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be? Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? How come wrong numbers are never busy? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts. A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice! A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A gentle stream can split a mountain, given enough time. I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!' If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse? A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, then it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose. No-one suspects the butterfly! - Bart Simpson 'Did you sleep well?' 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.' - Steve Wright Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the round table eating vinegar with a fork. One bright day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. Drew their swords, and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the sound, and put those boys back in the ground. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask Harry the blind man, he saw it, too. Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot. Sanity is not my strong point. -Pelican Bob There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie If you're standing on your head, and you pull your pants down, is that really such a bad thing? Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards. ebius coolsig. This is a moebius coolsig. This is a mo ... In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded. Black holes suck. Geologists rock your world. The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him. Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future! The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."' - Isaac Asimov Entropy isn't what it used to be. Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive. Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes. The Benoit/Blamey Theory of Thermo-Sock-Dynamics: Why bother to do laundry, when the inevitable loss of a sock will just increase entropy and contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe anyway? Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it. Be careful with water -- it's full of hydrogen and oxygen!Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. -Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998)
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. -Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)
"A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." - Bill Cosby
Silence will save me from being wrong (and foolish), but it will also deprive me of the possibility of being right. -Igor Stravinsky, composer (1882-1971)
It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them. -Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998)
"What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing."? -Aristotle
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years." - George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." -George Burns
Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. -Ovid, poet (43 BCE - CE 17)
This is the devilish thing about foreign affairs: they are foreign and will not always conform to our whim. -James Reston, journalist (1909-1995)
I don't need time. What I need is a deadline. -Duke Ellington, jazz pianist, composer, and conductor (1899-1974)
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark." - Steven Wright
"Carpe diem: Seize the day. With every sunrise come new opportunities to experience the world, to enjoy others and to serve them. It is essential to recognize that we are responsible for choosing and defining our lives. We must be open to growth and change-to pursue learning-from books, other people, introspection, our experiences. We should strive toward being proactive ; to look at our options and choose wisely." from Interpretation for the 21st Century
Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)
>"If you're interested in the quality of education, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?" - George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 2004
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart
Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive."
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. - George Bernard Shaw, writer, Nobel laureate (1856-1950)
Men cannot see their reflection in running water, but only in still water. - Chuang Tzu, philosopher (c. 4th century BCE)
Learning is like rowing upstream: not to advance is to drop back. -Chinese proverb
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." - Rodney Lee
Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. - Henrik Ibsen, playwright (1828-1906)
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. -Galileo Galilei, physicist and astronomer (1564-1642)
What sculpture is to a block of marble, education is to a human soul. - Joseph Addison, essayist and poet (1672-1719)
One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is to voyage through time. - Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)
Growth in wisdom can be measured precisely by decline in bile. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)
At bottom, every man knows perfectly well that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time. -Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)
In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists. - Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983)
The light which experience gives is a lantern on the stern, which shines only on the waves behind us. -Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet, critic (1772-1834)
No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place. - Zen saying
God comes to the hungry in the form of food. -Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)
Never spend your money before you have it. -Thomas Jefferson, third US president, architect and author (1743-1826)
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." - Emo Philips
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. - Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)
Every increased possession loads us with new weariness. - John Ruskin, author, art critic, and social reformer (1819-1900)
Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity. -Socrates, philosopher (469?-399 BCE)
Efficiency is intelligent laziness. - David Dunham
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress. - Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play. - John Cleese, comic actor (1939- )
To sit alone in the lamplight with a book spread out before you, and hold intimate converse with men of unseen generations--such is a pleasure beyond compare. -Kenko Yoshida, essayist (1283-1352)
There is no remedy so easy as books, which if they do not give cheerfulness, at least restore quiet to the most troubled mind. -Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, author (1689-1762)
Assumptions are the termites of relationships. - Henry Winkler, actor (1945- )
A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight. - Robertson Davies, writer (1913-1995)
He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own. - Confucius (c. 551-479? BC)
A closed mind is like a closed book: just a block of wood. - Chinese Proverb
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. - James Thurber, writer and cartoonist (1894-1961)
Be yourself and do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. - Max Ehrmann, writer and lawyer (1872-1945)
The charm, one might say the genius of memory, is that it is choosy, chancy and temperamental; it rejects the edifying cathedral and indelibly photographs the small boy outside, chewing a hunk of melon in the dust. - Elizabeth Bowen, novelist (1899-1973)
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back. -Piet Hein, poet and scientist (1905-1996)
Whenever you're called on to make up your mind, / and you're hampered by not having any, / the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find, / is >simply by spinning a penny. / No - not so that chance shall decide the affair / while you're passively standing there moping; / but the moment the penny is up in the air, / you suddenly know what you're hoping. - Piet Hein, poet and scientist (1905-1996)
To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light. - Carl G. Jung, psychiatrist (1875-1961)
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other. - Chinese proverb
Homer Simpson (giving a lecture on marriage): "What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden.'"
Authority without wisdom is like a heavy axe without an edge: fitter to bruise than polish. -Anne Bradstreet, poet (1612-1672)
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? -Abraham Lincoln, 16th US president (1809-1865)
The function of the imagination is not to make strange things settled, so much as to make settled things strange. - G.K. Chesterton, essayist and novelist (1874-1936)
Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. All human progress, even in morals, has been the work of men who have doubted the current moral values, not of men who have whooped them up and tried to enforce them. The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant, in this field as in all others. His culture is based on "I am not too sure." - H.L.Mencken
If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and the fallacies, to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence. - Louis Dembitz Brandeis, lawyer, judge, and writer (1856-1941)
He who has imagination without learning has wings and no feet. - Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. - Henry Adams, historian and teacher (1838-1918)
Anyone can look for fashion in a boutique or history in a museum. The creative explorer looks for history in a hardware store and fashion in an airport. -Robert S. Wieder, journalist