also been over a year since this website began it's fledgling start.
At the time it was merely an attempt to begin to find some way
to deal with her death. Admittedly at the time I have no doubt there was some selfishness in my aim and purpose for creating this website. The immediate yearning was to find a creative outlet to deal with my emotions. My passion for writing in a
manner that I knew I was capable of felt like it had died with Mum.
In the months that has passed since the inception of this website
I have come to see that this undertaking has become multi - purposed. Little was I even aware that what started out in the hope for healing on any level, it's been brought to my attention
that this website has helped other people, some who I know and many others whom I've never met in person.
In recent weeks it become clearer to me that underneath all my many and varied emotions surrounding my mother that this
website has become a concrete way to keep her memory alive. Her memory prevailing on in the hearts and minds of those who knew her; to say that she was someone who was real, she was
someone's mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, wife.
All too often when someone has passed on their name is rarely if ever mentioned again, almost like they are totally forgotten and buried in more ways than one. To speak their name, in western society, it's as if it is a taboo subject. People become comfortable and awkward.
This website has become my way of making certain that my mother's memory is kept alive. It is a way of keeping the connection to her in tact. For me working on this website has indeed become a labour of love and yet another means for my love for her to remain alive with her memory.
Many people have regrets upon losing a loved one, thankfully
for me it was of the few rare times that I can say I have no regrets. I tried to convey to my mother in every way possible what she meant to me. In the last 6 months of her life rarely
was there an opportunity missed to end a phone call with,
"I love You."
The three smallest words we humans have so much trouble saying yet convey so much, 3 powerful little words, "I Love You'
are words that just aren't said enough.
One of the misperceptions about grief is the length of time in which other people not closely connected to the loss deem that people in mourning should grieve. Somehow in our western
culture there seems to be an invisible line that once the first year
has passed then a person's grief should magically disappear.
Before us lies a new path, a world so much different from the one we had known before the loss that has occured. Faced with so many tomorrows ahead of us knowing there will be no more phone calls to or from the loved one, to no longer hear their voice, or see their hand writing in a letter.
The death of a loved one is not something people just get over, people don't ever truly get over such a painful experience, rather it's more a case of trying to find a way of living with the loss.
To find a way to manage our lives without the daily presence of the one who has passed on.
The loss of someone we love leaves those left behind with a profound sense of emptiness. We find ourselves asking so many questions, some which are unanswerable.
In the days and weeks following a loved one's passing many people whether they realize it or not are in shock, going about life in automatic pilot, going through the motions to do the
daily things that need to be done.
Time of course is an absolute in how we deal with our grief,
when the numbness and shock we may have initially experienced
after the death of a close friend or family member begins to abate. Some people feel that once the numbness and shock begins to wear off that is when the intensity of their pain and
sadness increases.
That intense, raw place where those feelings all accumulate has been described by some as hole in their heart, their heart is
shattered into countless pieces, a profound emptiness, are just
but a few ways to articulate what their loss has felt like to them.
The cliche that time heals all wounds is nothing short of a band-aid quip in the hope of having your friend feel better sooner. The reality is that grief can't be healed with time, rather it is a journey, that anyone who loses a loved one, must walk. It is not simple nor is it easy. How can grief end when the loved one who has passed is the same person we will miss in one way or another no matter how much times passes?
There will be times in that first year where emotions will go the whole gambit. From feeling like it's hard to believe the loved one is gone, to anger at the loved one, the medical profession, even anger at God. People who have a deep faith will come to question, how could God let us experience such deep searing pain that shrouds our very soul.
There will be the moments when guilt may arise. Did we do enough for our loved one, did they know how much they meant to us, could we have done something differently.
Sadness is an inevitable emotion that will be present, maybe not all the time, 24 hours a day, but it will feel like a roller coaster ride. One day will be more intense then others. Sometimes when you are feeling on a relative even keel the sadness will seem to come out from no where and catch you off guard. It could be in the form of tears or a heaviness in your heart. It could be a song, a poem, a televison show, or a favorite food of your loved one that will remind you in an instant that someone you loved dearly has passed away.
Be assured though that whatever feeling may arise that it is okay, it is a means of expressing your grief. There is not right or wrong when it comes to grieving, your grief is as unique as is your personality. And as someone who has been through this journey I would encourage anyone who has recently lost a loved one to make certain you have supports around you, the support of friends, family, spiritual leader, support group. It is their support that will sustain you when your not sure you can get through the tough days.
