Have you ever had one of those gut feelings? The ones that pop up when everything in your life seems to be perfect and make you start wondering when the other shoe is gonna drop? I'm having one of those right now. Laying here with the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing man on the planet asleep in my arms and drooling on my chest. He'd die of embarrassment if I ever let on that he drools in his sleep. I think it's cute.
Cuteness aside, I've got a big ol' knot in my stomach. And the worst part is, there's no basis for this feeling. Jay and I have been as happy as I think it's possible for two people to be in the last 6 months, since that day he came bursting into the dorm room and announced he was in love with me. Then made love to me like I've only ever dreamed of. Things have been perfect.
Maybe that's what's setting off warning bells. Nothing's perfect. Not in my life anyway, never has been, and I don't suppose it ever will be. But me and Jay...we're perfect. So, in my warped little mind, that means something must be wrong. Or about to go wrong. Yeah, I know, I'm a psychiatrist's wet dream.
And while I'm laying here conjuring up any number of horrible scenario's to burst this little idyllic bubble we've been living in, Jay starts to stir. I hafta smile at that, because I expected it. Even if I don't move a muscle or change my breathing or anything, he always can sense when I'm awake and it disturbs his sleep. And there it is...those gorgeous cornflower blue eyes blinking slowly open, peering up at me and damn...it just ain't normal the amount of love that wells up inside of me just looking at him. Excuse me while I discreetly wipe the drool off my chest before he notices.
"Hey..." he murmurs sleepily, still blinking long blinks that tell me he's not fully coherent yet. God he's adorable. All sleep-rumpled, hair disheveled around his shoulders, lips pink and parted and damp where he just licked them. I have to brush my fingers across his cheek, I love the feel of his skin, so warm and soft when he first wakes up. Why is that? Why is it his skin is all flushed and softer than any other time of day when he first wakes up? I oughtta ask that next biology class.
"Hey...I didn't mean to wake you." I love how he turns his cheek into my palm, nuzzling like a kitten looking for a scratch. He just turns me to mush inside.
" 'S okay...whatcha doin' up?" Laying his head back down as if it weighs too much, snuggling closer and giving my chest a soft kiss.
I don't know how to answer that question though. "Just thinking."
He lifts his brows and tilts his head back slightly to look at me, a smile curving his lush lips. "Really? Thinking what?"
I chuckle. "Not *that* you nympho!" I grin wider. "At least, I wasn't until now..." I scoop my arm under his back and lift him over me so he's stretched out on my chest, pulling his mouth down to capture those warm, soft lips in a slow, deep kiss.
The sound of the door slamming shut startles us both and we turn in unison to glare at Nick, who just grins.
"Oh for Christ’s sake...don't tell me you two are gonna blow off another morning class in favor of sex??" Nick slaps his hands on his lean hips and tilts his head, shaking it at us as we flush under his scrutiny.
Jay laughs and pushes off of my chest...reluctantly though, I notice. "Shaddup, Nick...class isn't for another..." he glances at the clock. "Fuck! Adam, we're late!!"
I heave a sigh. There goes my morning nookie, thanks a ton, Nick. Jay scrambles out of bed, sheet wrapped around his hips and beelines for the bathroom. Damn, he's gonna shower and all I can think of is Jay naked and wet now. Why oh why did I make the mistake of signing up for any classes before the hour of noon?
**********************
"Mom, really, I'm fine, I have enough food money." I hafta grin...she's so overprotective, I'm half-amazed she let me go to college at all.
"What about books? Did you get all your books for this semester?"
I sigh. "Yes, got all my books, and before you ask I also have enough clothes, my shoes are fine, I'm brushing my teeth almost every day and haven't gotten good and drunk in almost a week."
"Adam!" sounding indignant.
I just laugh. "Seriously, Mom, I'm fine! I was just calling to say hi."
Just then, the door opens and in walks Jay and god, I suddenly forget everything I was saying. He's wearing that hockey jersey I love, hair pulled back, a cap on backwards and a pair of jeans I think he had to pour himself into this morning. God he's beautiful. He flashes me an impish grin and blows me a kiss as he sets his books on the counter.
"Adam? Adam?"
I shake myself out of the daze he's put me into. "Sorry, Jay just got home."
"Oh! Tell Jason I said hello."
I grin at Jay as he slips onto the couch beside me, leaning in to nuzzle at my neck. "Mom says hi, Jay."
He grins up at me, still nuzzling and making me shiver. "Hi mom."
"He says hi." And I'm now trying not to moan as Jay finds that spot where my shoulder meets my neck and suckles lightly, sending lightning bolts of sensation down my spine. Fuck!
"Now, Adam, you're not spending *all* your time in your room, are you? This is college, you should be having a good time, too. Are there any girls you're seeing?"
I almost choke as Jay's hand slips down my chest and abs to curl lightly around my now throbbing cock through my jeans. "No, mom, no girls..."
"Why not? Adam, really, you're a handsome boy, you should have a nice girlfriend!"
I bite my lip hard to keep from whimpering when Jay begins to squeeze me, his mouth still latched onto my throat. "No time for a girlfriend, mom...maybe after finals..."
Jay suddenly stops what he's doing and pulls back to look at me. I can't quite read his expression. I frown a little, silently asking "What?" and he shakes his head slightly, getting up and going into the bathroom, shutting the door with a little more force than is necessary.
"Mom, listen, I gotta run, got a study group meeting tonight. But I'll call you next weekend, ok?"
A few false tries later, I get mom off the phone and hang up, tossing the cordless down onto the couch and staring at the bathroom door, still shut.
"Jay?" I get up, crossing to stand in front of the door, leaning my shoulder against the frame.
"What?"
I grin a little. "Whatcha doin in there, babe?"
"Leave me alone, Adam." It's a tone I don't recall ever hearing him use with me and it makes my breath catch in my throat. He sounds...hurt.
"Baby? What's the matter?"
Suddenly the door swings open and...oh my god, he's got tears in his eyes. I immediately reach to pull him into my arms, but he shrugs me off, stalking past me into the room, then turning to stare at me, arms crossed defensively over his chest. Uh-oh...
"Jay...? What's wrong?"
He laughs shortly, with a decided lack of humor. "What's wrong? Oh, you mean besides the fact that I'm your dirty little secret?"
Whoa, that came outta nowhere. "What? You are *not* a dirty little secret...I love you!"
Jay just shakes his head, and damn me, the tears are falling down his cheeks now. That just breaks my fucking heart, I can't stand to see my Jay in pain. "You love me...and what happens when your mom stops accepting your little stories and lies about being too busy for a girlfriend, huh? You gonna marry some random woman just so you don't ever have to suck it up and tell your mom the truth?"
His angry words hit me like a fist to the gut, stealing my breath. "What? Jay...it's no big deal..."
"No big deal?? Oh my god, Adam, yes it is! You're fucking ashamed of me!"
"No! I'm not ashamed of you and how can you even say that?? You *know* how much I love you!" That hurts worse than I can even explain...he thinks I'm ashamed of him? My god, he's the best thing *in* my life!
His face crumples a bit and I can sense a lot of the mad draining out of him...unfortunately, it seems to be replaced with sad. "I know you love me, Adam. And god, I love you more than anything, but...this is fucking killing me, man, we can be ourselves here, but it's like this isn't the real world, and in the real world, you don't want anyone to know what I am to you. And that fucking hurts."
I don't know what to say to that. "Jay...you know how it is with my mom...I'm just...I'm just not ready to tell her yet, that's all."
Jay nods slowly, then shakes his head. "That's all. Huh." He looks at me with sad eyes that rip my heart to shreds. "That's not all, Adam...that's everything." And turns and walks out, shutting the door with a quiet, but ominous click behind him.
I can only stand there, trying my damndest to process everything that just happened. What the fuck am I gonna do?
***************************
It's been a week. He's hardly speaking to me and for damn sure he's avoiding me. Nobody has that many damned study sessions. Fuck.
Suddenly, Nick comes bursting into the room, slamming the door and fixing me with a glare. I swear he thinks he's intimidating. Might be too, if I didn't know he cries at ET every time he sees it.
"Quit fucking glaring at me, Nick, I ain't impressed." Taking a swig of my beer, my fourth in the last half hour, and returning my gaze to the TV, where I'm watching Germany invading somebody or other on a documentary channel. War suits my mood right now.
"Well, somebody needs to scare some fucking sense into you, man!" He flops down onto the couch next to me, grabbing my beer and tossing it back in one swig. Bastard.
"Leave me alone."
"Nope." He grabs the remote from my hand and switches the TV off, turning to look at me, a determined expression on his face. Damn it, he's tenacious when his mind is set on something. I'm pretty sure I know what's on his mind right now.
"I don't want to talk about it, ok, Nick?" Putting just a bit of pitiful in my voice, hoping he'll let it drop.
No such luck. "No, it's *not* ok. Dammit, Adam, I gotta tell ya, I'm getting kind of sick of having to be the one with the brains in this group...it ain't natural to me, ya know?"
I have to chuckle at that. Bastard, I really just want to wallow, why the fuck can't he let me wallow? I'm getting pretty good at it, actually. "Listen, it's no big deal, ok? We'll work it out. Of course, that requires that Jay stop pouting and actually talk to me, but eventually..."
"Man, don't you get it? It's a big deal to Jay, whether you like it or not. I mean, what's the problem here? You gotta know your mom isn't gonna lose it like you're acting! She might be surprised, but I know her pretty well, as well as I know you, and she just wants you to be happy, man."
I sigh, rubbing my eyes and shaking my head. "It isn't that simple, and you know it. I'm her only child, her only son, she's all the time talking about me meeting a nice girl, settling down someday, giving her grandbabies...how'm I supposed to just tell her none of that's gonna happen because momma's little baby has a thing for boys instead of girls?"
Nick just rolls his eyes. Rolls his fucking eyes like I'm the biggest moron to ever walk the earth. Bastard.
"Oh. My. God. I am constantly astounded by your complete and utter stupidity, do you know that? It's impressive, really." He shakes his head. "Now listen to me, cuz I'm only gonna say this once and then I'm washing my hands of the whole thing, got it?"
He waits for me to nod sullenly before continuing.
"Good. One, she's only saying she wants you to meet a nice girl because you, dumbass, haven't told her you like boys. Otherwise, she'd be nagging about meeting a nice boy. Except, oh that's right, *dumbass*, you already have one of those, except you're so stupid you're gonna risk losing him before momma ever gets the chance to plan the wedding. Two, welcome to the 90's *dumbass*, where gay couples all the time adopt kids and give their momma's all the grandbabies they can possibly spoil. Three...well, there is no three, really, except you're a complete and utter *dumbass* if you don't get off this fucking couch right now, go down to the quad where I happen to know Jay is sitting looking just as pitiful as you, apologize for being such a dumbass, kiss and make up and then call your mom and tell her the truth."
I hafta say, Nick can be quite impressive when he's on a roll. "You know you're an interfering son of a bitch, right?" Hey, I can't just come right out and say he's right, it'd give him a big ego.
He just grins at me. "Yep. Now please, before we all keel over from the angst of you two, go make up, for the sanity of all?"
Yeah...I think I might just do that.
*******************
"Hey." Damn, I hate seeing the pain in his eyes when he looks at me. Why the fuck did I let it go on this long?
"Hey." That's all, no smile, no nothing. God, please don't let me have fucked it up beyond repairing.
I sit down next to him on the grass without waiting for an invitation I worry might never come. He still says nothing, just looking at me with those wounded eyes like he expects me to hurt him. I swear to god, my heart is gonna shred if he doesn't stop...
I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry." That gets an eyebrow arch out of him...hey, it's something, at least he's acknowledging my presence now. "I'm so sorry, Jay, I was a stupid son of a bitch, and I swear, I never meant to hurt you, you have to know that."
He looks down, plucking at the grass. "Adam..."
I hold up my hand. "No, wait, let me finish, ok?" He nods and I suck in another fortifying breath. "Listen...I've been thinking a lot this past week, but really, blame Nick for beating some sense into me. You are the most important thing in my life, forget what everybody says about being too young or whatever, I'm gonna love you for the rest of my life, Jay, and I'm sorry if that's a lot to put on you right now and maybe you don't feel the same way, but that's ok, cuz loving you makes me happier than anything else."
I glance up at him to gauge his reaction and I see tears in his eyes again...except maybe...maybe this time they're not sad tears? Maybe. I hope. Gotta keep going though, or I'll never get this out.
"I'm gonna tell my mom. Hell, we can go call her right now if you want to and I'll tell her that I'm in love...with the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing man in the world who, even though I swear I don't deserve it half the time, loves me back. But, if it's ok with you, I thought maybe next week, when we were gonna go home for semester break, if you still wanna go with me, we could tell her then, together, in person." I let out a long breath. "If that's ok with you. If you still love me." I look up at him, terrified of whatever he's gonna say. "Do you still love me?"
He doesn't say anything for a long moment and I swear I think my heart is breaking with every passing second. It's too late. Oh god, I waited too long, it's too late, he doesn't love me anymore, I think I'm gonna seriously die right here and now my heart is aching so bad...
And then he's in my arms, hugging me so tight I think I might lose circulation to my brain but don't care because, god love him, Jay's in my arms and he's kissing my neck and crying and I'm crying and god, we're like a Lifetime movie of the week here! And it's the best feeling I ever had, except maybe the day he first said he loved me.
He pulls back then, wiping the tears from my cheeks as I return the favor to him. "You fucking tool, Adam...it's gonna take a lot more than you being the dumbass you are for me to stop loving you, just so you know. You're not gonna get rid of me that easy."
I gotta just pull him against me again and hug him as tight as I can for that. That's...that's beautiful. He still loves me. I didn't fuck it up too bad. That's just beautiful.
Mom's gonna be happy, I think...she always said Jay was like a son. How about son in law, mom?
