Matt Hardy sighed and rolled over to turn the volume of his radio up. He didn't particularly like pop music, but it seemed to fit his mood right now. It seemed that everything he heard, saw, even thought about reminded him of Jeff—his sweet, lovely, extreme, stupidly innocent brother. He looked across the hotel room where Jeff was asleep on the pull-out couch. He'd insisted on accompanying his older brother this week for the Smackdown tapings. Matt wasn't sure why—he had just left the WWE last week after all.
It was all still surreal to him. He couldn't quite grasp the fact that his baby brother had quit wrestling last week. Matt always thought it would be him and Jeff in this business for the rest of their lives—or until they took so many bumps they had to retire. He just couldn't understand when Jeff had lost his passion for the business they both had dreamed of entering all their lives. He knew when, but it just didn't make sense to him. He had always been the one who was called the next Shawn Michaels, the next break-out star. Jeff had always dreamed of winning the World title and now Matt had thought his baby brother would finally have that chance. The separation had done them good—both had gotten tired of being seen as The Hardy Boyz—Matt and Jeff weren't separate people in the fans' minds. But, that dream seemed to have faded in the past few months.
And if I try to save him…My whole world could cave in…It just ain't right…It just ain't right…
Matt wanted to save his Jeff from the disaster he knew was coming. He wanted to tell him that leaving wrestling would be the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life. He knew where Jeff would head if he kept going the way he was—partying all night with the band, drinking crazy amounts of alcohol, doing crack, unprotected sex with guys he barely knew. Jeff would wind up in the gutter soon with no one to take care of him. Matt supposed that it was that lifestyle that had made Jeff lose his passion—made him lose the very essence that was Jeffery Nero Hardy. He would do anything to bring back the old Jeff—his baby brother he loved with all of his heart—but his world would collapse. It did every time he had to save Jeff from something.
Oh when I don't know…I don't know what he's after…But he's so beautiful…Such a beautiful disaster…And if I could hold on…Through the tears and the laughter…Would it be beautiful?…Or just a beautiful disaster…
What the hell was Jeff into now? Matt just wanted to be able to talk to him again. He was losing the most important man in his life more and more with each passing moment. Matt was trying to hold on to what little bit was still remaining, but it was so hard. Even with his new lifestyle, Jeff remained beautiful. It was only natural. He tried to look past the life Jeff had now—one of sex, drugs, and rock and roll—but it wasn't working. Somewhere, deep down inside, he knew the old Jeff was still there. Matt just had to find a way to bring him back out. Maybe then everything would be right again. Jeff would come back to the WWE and get that World title he had always dreamed.
He's magical myth…As strong as what I believe…A tragedy with,…More damage than a soul should see…And do I try to change him…So hard not to blame him…Hold on tight… Hold on tight…
Sure, everyone had their thoughts about Jeff—what he was into, why he did what he did—but no one KNEW the real Jeff Hardy. No one, that is, except Matt. He just knew that Jeff needed help to get himself off drugs and drinking. He wasn't to blame for the way he acted. Jeff just always did what he wanted and thought about the consequences afterward. He was just always himself—the king of extreme—always willing to try new things, even if he might end up killing himself along the way. No one could see how torn up Jeff was on the inside. Matt wasn't sure exactly what was eating away at his brother, but he knew it was something big. Why else would he give up everything important to him, especially wrestling?
He turned again and looked at the sleeping figure on the couch. He was so beautifully innocent when sleeping. Jeff's full, pink lips were parted slightly and a few stray wisps of purple hair framed his angelic face. It was hard for Matt to believe that this was the same man who stayed out until four in the morning with strange men, some of them crack dealers.
Where had he gone wrong? Did he not raise his baby brother correctly? What was going through that mind of his? If only he could get closer to Jeff—tell him how he really felt. How he really felt. If he told Jeff the truth, he'd be completely gone from his life faster than Matt could say the words "incest". It just wasn't normal to be in love with your baby brother, even if he was the most beautiful thing walking on God's green earth. And there was no way Jeff could ever feel the same way—he may be fucked up in the head, but not that fucked up.
Oh cuz I don't know…I don't know what he's after…But he's so beautiful…Such a beautiful disaster…And if I could hold on…Through the tears and the laughter…Would it be beautiful?…Or just a beautiful disaster…
Jeff stirred in his sleep and Matt smiled. Why had he fallen in love with his brother—and at this moment in his life too? Why was he in love with someone who was in need of so much help—more than Matt could ever hope to give him? He didn't want to see Jeff keep living this way, but he didn't know how he could stop him either.
I'm longing for love and the logical…But he's only happy hysterical…I'm waiting for some kind of miracle…Waited so long…So long…He's soft to the touch…But afraid at the end he breaks…He's never enough…And still leaves more than I can take…
Matt sighed again as he continued to listen to the song. Yes, it seemed to describe his baby brother perfectly. He—Matt—was and always had been the logical one. Jeff was the one who loved chaos, thrived on it even. Matt wanted so much to tell him how he felt, how long he's been waiting for the right time to tell him the truth. How could he do it now, though? Jeff didn't even know his brother was gay. It would be too much of a shock for him. As usual, Matt would let it lie—content in knowing that his brother still felt secure in the one relationship he had—the one he shared with his big brother. Matt would just wait for another time. Another time was what he always waited for. Maybe when Jeff could get his focus back on wrestling would be the time. Until then, he was content to just gaze at his baby brother—the beautiful disaster.
Oh cuz I don't know…I don't know what he's after…But he's so beautiful…Such a beautiful disaster…And if I could hold on…Through the tears and the laughter…Would it be beautiful?…Or just a beautiful disaster…He's beautiful…Such a beautiful disaster…
Beautifurl Disaster by Kelly Clarkson used w/o permission
