I never thought it'd come to this. Maybe that was naive of me, but no matter what he said or did to indicate otherwise, I always thought we'd be wrestlers together forever. Brand extensions, singles competitions, insane schedules...none of those things were capable of tearing us apart, of killing the dream we've had since we were little. No, it took something far less spectacular, far less obvious, far more subtle than that. It took sadness.
I want to beat myself senseless for not seeing what was right under my nose, what everyone else saw and commented on but I brushed off as them not knowing my baby brother as well as I did. I'd know if he was sad. I'd know if he was aching inside. I'd know if he felt so damned oppressed that he feels like he's drowning in reality. I'd know. So why didn't I?
Driving back to our home…without you by my side…the dj plays our favorite song…and I start again to cry...
It's been 3 days. I don't know what to expect when I get to our house. I wanted to come sooner, but couldn't, the show, and he'd said he was fine, in that soft, sad voice that I know so well, but that I never noticed was sad before now. So here I am, 20 miles outside town, and every mile is like a thousand, I can feel him inside my heart, tugging, pulling me towards him, as if some invisible thread connects us and tightens to draw me to him when he is in need. He's in need now. I can feel it. And I'm terrified.
Everyone has been so damned 'understanding'. Walking on eggshells, murmuring condolences…"Sorry to hear about Jeff."..."If there's anything I can do."...Jesus, they talk as if he'd died. I half-expect casseroles to start showing up any minute. I want to scream at them, even Shannon, sweet little Shannon who loves Jeff almost as much as I do, who's the little brother we never had...I want to scream at him every time he turns those wide, sad green eyes on me with pity in them. He didn't die, people. He just quit his job.
I never thought you'd leave me…to face this world alone…I don't think I can do it, darlin…without your hand to hold...
Do you know how I found out what had happened? Shane called me. Not Vince, not JR, not Jeff. Shane. He thought I knew, was calling to see how Jeff was. I remember the confusion at that question. "What do you mean, how's Jeff? He's on *your* show, Shane, you tell me!" Then he explained, and I was stunned speechless, literally. Shane hung up after ten minutes of me saying nothing, I guess he thought I'd hung up as well. I hadn't.
It took me the next 4 hours calling every hotel in Richmond, VA to find Jeff, and another two hours of calling every ten minutes before he finally would talk to me. And then he cried. Harsh, painful-sounding, ragged sobs that reached through the phone line and tore out my heart. I begged him not to cry, begged him to tell me what had happened, what huge something had occurred to make him walk out on the thing he loved most?
"I don't love it most, Matty...you do. I just love *you*."
You never told me you were leaving…I didn't know until too late…why didn't you tell me you were aching…why didn't I feel your heart break?…
The house is eerily quiet, and the silence weighs on me like an iron hand, clutching at my heart and stealing my breath. I call his name. No answer. I check every room in the house, calling more frantically with each empty chamber I find, mind spinning, trying to calm the terror that is rising like bile in my throat. I run outside, eyes lighting on the funky, totally Jeff trailer he uses as his studio. Racing towards it, I nearly rip the spray-painted door from it's hinges, storming inside with his name on my lips.
Faint strains of music come from the other end of the trailer and my heart leaps as I race down the hallway towards the sound, calling to him as if his name has become my mantra. The second my eyes find him, his name turns from a mantra to a prayer and I sink to my knees, pulling him to me, clutching him to my chest.
Blood covers my hands but I don't notice...all I can see is him, my baby, my love, my brother. Staring up at me with glazed, fading emerald eyes that beg silently for my forgiveness. I give it in the form of the tears that splash from my cheeks to his lips.
They all think I'm the strong one…but that was just a lie…I got my strength from you… standing tall by my side...
"Jeffy...oh god, no, Jeffy...hang on, baby, please hang on..." I fumble to drag my cell phone from my pocket while at the same time trying to stem the frighteningly fast flow from his arm. It looks like the tiger is crying blood. I don't know why that occurs to me.
His pale, beautiful lips curve just the slightest, showing me that endearing, child-like, impish dimple in his left cheek. I have kissed that dimple more times than I can count and it draws my mouth there this time as well, just the lightest brush of lips against that sweet little indentation I have loved since he was a chubby infant cooing at me from his crib.
"Don't cry....Matty...love you..." his voice is soft, hesitant as he fades, and I know that even if I manage to get a signal on my phone, it will be too little too late. And I cry harder, clutching him against me as tight as I can, as though, if I hold him tight enough, he can't leave me, can't go away and leave me all alone in a world that won't be worth anything without him to light it for me.
"I love you...I love you, Jeffy..." needing to say it one more time, needing to know that he didn't die in my arms not knowing how much I adored him.
I'm so sorry I let you down…sorry I didn't see…I never meant to fail you…cuz you've never failed me…
I pull back just enough to look down at him and my heart lurches when I see his eyes are closed. No....nooooo...I don't realize I am wailing aloud until those thick, golden lashes flutter and raise slightly to reveal incredibly pale jade eyes that are growing dimmer by the second.
