"Hey, Nick, it's me. Just saying hi, Ah guess you're not home. *sigh* Well, listen, gimme a call when you get a chance, k? Ah'll talk to ya later. Bye."
I coulda picked up the phone. I probably shoulda picked up the phone. That's the third message in as many days he's left. I'm gonna hafta talk to him sometime.
It's not that I don't *want* to talk to him. No...it's that I do. Bad. It's been two months since that first night we spent together after Adam and Jay's wedding. Two months and already I feel like I've known him forever. Like I don't remember what it was like before him. And, quite frankly, it's freakin' me out.
It's not like I'm exactly the romantic type, ya know? And yet I find myself sittin' in whatever rat-trap hotel I'm in on the road thinkin' about him, blowing off the groupies in favor of a bottle of whiskey in some dive bar and Pearl Jam on the jukebox. Thinkin' about him.
For the first few weeks there it was pretty much a whirlwind, he'd catch a red-eye to whatever town I was in, or I'd fly to wherever he was and so on, back and forth, lots of amazing sex, lots of talking late into the night about any and everything, more amazing sex...yeah, it was out of control there for a few weeks.
Then I had a tour in England and for those three weeks we only saw each other twice, lots of phone calls, but only saw each other twice. When I came home, it happened.
We were in his hotel room, I'd flown into Boston on my way back to Toronto and the WWF just happened to be in Boston so, of course, I made good use of that 3 hour layover and headed for his hotel. We were layin' there, all naked and sweaty and out of breath from tilting the earth on its axis, when he rolled over, snuggled in against my side, kissed my chest and...and said it.
He said he loved me.
I remember how my heart just literally stopped beating at that soft confession, said in his sweet southern drawl there in the dark. I didn't know what to say...so I did what countless cowardly men have done since time immortal. I pretended I didn't hear it.
That was two weeks ago, and I'm running out of excuses for not seeing him, not being able to talk on the phone.
God, I'm such a fucking coward.
********************
"Nick. Nick! Pick up the goddamn phone you fucking baby."
Adam. Shit. Shoulda known he'd be getting involved at some point.
"You might as well pick up the phone, I'll just keep calling and fill up your machine with random cussing at you so do us both a favor and..."
"What?!"
"Bout time."
"What the fuck do you want, Copeland?"
A slight pause. "I'd really like my best friend to quit being a big fucking baby and act like a man for once."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I ain't really mad at him, mostly mad at myself, but he's on the line and he'll do.
"What's it mean? Seemed fairly self-explanatory to me, but since you're being thick today..."
Sigh. "Dammit, Adam, spit it out already, I got shit to do."
"Really? What shit? Shit like not returning phone calls and breaking a kid's heart and generally being a prick? That kind of shit?"
I swear if I didn't love him I'd happily strangle him. "I've been busy."
"Bullshit. Jesus, Nick, it's bad enough you went and seduced a fucking *kid*..."
Whoa! "Excuse me? I didn't fucking seduce anybody, ok? Jeff was *more* than willing, not that it's any of your business. My sex life stopped being your fucking concern about 2 years ago, Adam."
Silence. Shit, I didn't mean for that to come out, all fucking cruel and shit.
"That was seriously uncalled for, Nick." I can hear the hurt in his voice and it kills me.
"I know. I'm sorry."
Sigh from his end. "You're hurting him, Nick. If you want to end it, do that, but do it right and don't just blow him off. I care about Jeff and he's hurting, dammit."
God, that just makes my heart clench like a vise. The last fucking thing I want is to hurt Jeff...the problem is, I'm not exactly sure what I *do* want to do.
"I know. Shit, man...I dunno what...I mean, it's not that I don't want to..." Dammit.
"Nick, I've known you most of my life, can I be pretty much brutally honest here?"
"Sure." At least one of us can manage that, it seems to be beyond my capabilities at the moment.
"He loves you. You know that right?"
"Yeah. He told me."
Brief silence. "He did?"
"Yep."
"And...?"
I shrug, even though he can't see me. "And nothing." Sigh. "I pretended I didn't hear him."
Groan from Adam's end. "Jesus, Nick..."
"I know, I know...but man, it fucking freaked me out, ok?"
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"Why'd it freak you out?"
Oh man, I really don't want to get into this... "I dunno."
"Bullshit." Damn him for knowing me so well. Fine, big boy, you wanna know why the very fucking idea of love freaks me out?
"Because the last time I was stupid enough to fall in love, they didn't love me back." There, you wanted honesty, bub, you got it.
And there's another long silence as he, I'm sure, knows what I meant by that.
"It wasn't that I didn't love you, Nick..."
Fuck. "I don't wanna talk about it, ok?"
"No, not okay. Apparently, this has, I dunno, scarred you or something.."
Gotta roll my eyes at that. "You sound like Oprah."
He chuckles. "Shut up. I'm serious." I know he is too, by his tone. "It wasn't that I didn't love you. I did. I do. You're my best friend."
"I know. And I wasn't Jay. I understand, I do, Jesus, can we please drop this?" Please. I don't want to rehash this shit. Ever.
"Nick...you don't still.."
"No! Jesus, no. I just...I'm not in a real big hurry to go having somebody not feel the way I feel, ok?"
"But Nick...he already told you he feels it. The question is...do you?"
Gonna just play dumb here. "Do I what?"
Long-suffering sigh. "Do you *love* him, numbnuts!?"
Now there's a can of fucking worms if I ever saw one. "I don't know."
"I think you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be scared. Figure it out, Nick, but figure it out soon, because, as someone pretty smart once said, eventually he's gonna give up, he's gonna give up and move past what he feels for you because he's convinced you can't ever feel the same way. And there ain't gonna be any getting him back once that happens, man."
Damn him all to hell. Using my own fucking words against me. I didn't know Jay ever told him about that conversation on the quad. "Think you're pretty smart, don't ya?"
I can almost hear the grin. "Yep."
Next thing I hear is a dial tone and I shake my head, grinning despite myself as I hang up the phone.
Dammit. Fine, ok, fucking fine, I admit it, I love him. I love Jeff. So fucking much it hurts and it scares the shit out of me beyond all reason.
Now I just gotta figure out if I'm willing to risk letting him know that. Jesus, that's even scarier. I'm gonna put my fucking heart and soul in this kid's hands and what? Pray he knows what to do with em and doesn't just squash em beneath his boot?
I think I need a drink. Maybe a dozen. Shit.
