Sitting on the porch...scared to ring the bell.
I wait for you to see me...I sit scared as hell.
Rocking in the chair...hoping the squeaks bring you near.
I wait for you to hear me...I'm alone so filled....with fear.
Pacing on the hardwood...not knowing what to say.
When you see me pacing...when you make your way.
Laying on your welcome mat...not feeling very welcome.
I guess you're in there sleeping...you're so peaceful...when you sleep.
Freezing on the outside...so cold but yet so sweet.
Your body's on the inside...I'd kill to feel your heat.
Dialing on my phone...the number of your phone.
I can't mash send....so now I'm...going home.
Walking towards my car...I'm down about myself.
Getting in my car...I want to kill myself.
You make me feel complete...At the same time I'm me.
I'm so always not complete...without you I'm...never free.
Free from depressive states...of mind, body, and soul.
Free from sad days with me...free from sad...days alone.
Turning my ignition switch...bright lights start shining through.
My eyes are blinded momentarily.....Holy shit...It's you!
Sitting on the porch together...not worried about the bell.
We're looking in each other's eyes...
I'm no longer scared as hell.
This night will be a memory...
One that's sure to keep.
I didn't want to wake you...
I thought you were
Sound asleep.
----Jeffrey Nero Hardy
*********************
He stood shivering on the front porch, as much from his overwrought emotions as from the cold, though it *was* chilly out. He didn't even really know what he was doing there, when it had been months since he'd so much as had a civil conversation with his brother, let alone dropped by for an unannounced visit at 2 a.m. with tears on his face and his heart on his sleeve.
Yet there he was, and he paced in front of the door a bit, scowling and wiping away the tears that just seemed to keep falling even though he'd stopped noticing a while ago. He paused in his pacing and stared hard at the door for a few seconds, as if he could will it open, before continuing walking a groove in the porch. He should knock. No, he shouldn't. He gave a soft growl, wishing he could punch a hole in something.
It never used to be hard like this. He never used to pace the porch in 30 degree weather, scared to knock on his own brother's door, scared to ask for the comfort he needed. And it was his own damn fault.
He sat down heavily in the rocking chair to the right of the door, dropping his head into his hands, remembering vividly the very moment when he had lost the privilege to these 2 a.m. visits, when he had lost Matty.......
"Come on baby...god yes, that's it...come for me, baby, come for me..."
At the sound of the husky, low voice, Matt froze, towel forgotten in his hand, just outside the showers. It was late, he'd figured the arena was empty of wrestlers by now... apparently the two in the shower had thought so too.
He frowned, debating what to do. Finally he shrugged, settling on taking a shower at the hotel, no way was he gonna break up the lovefest!
Then, just as he was about to open the door to leave...
"Adam! Oh fuck...Adam, yes!"
A low snarling growl, "Come on, Jeffy, so close...come with me, baby..."
Matt felt dizzy. J...Jeff? He didn't want to believe it, but there was no mistaking the voice. He sank heavily onto one of the benches, oblivious to the increasing moans and cries from the shower, stunned.
Jeff and...and Adam?? Jeff was gay? As soon as the question entered his head he bit back a snort...of course Jeff was gay...or bi at least. But...
Suddenly, there was silence and Matt finally looked up, staring into Jeff's wide, shocked green eyes.
Jeff couldn't breathe, seeing the confusion and hurt on Matt's face...he hadn't snatched away from Adam like he'd instinctively wanted to, maintaining his hold on the tall blonde's hand, waiting breathlessly for his brother to say something...
Finally, staring at the two's entwined fingers, Matt rose, glaring at his baby brother. "Fuck...how could you, Jeff?" And walked away.
Jeff sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, surprised to find them wet...was he *still* crying over that pompous prick? He frowned. No, this wasn't even about Adam anymore...this was about Matt, and the months lost and wasted, all because Jeff had been too much of a coward to tell his brother the truth, to sit him down and tell him, "Matt, I'm bi."
Of course, the reasons for that were more complicated than his actual sexual orientation. Jeff tugged at his purple hair absently, frustrated and starting to feel completely drained. He was here because he missed and needed his big brother, but his big brother hated him because he was gay...or at least because Jeff hadn't bothered to tell him so. But Jeff knew that if he told Matt the *reason* he'd never mentioned it, it'd just screw things up worse.
Because he couldn't tell Matt he was bi without telling Matt the other little quirk in his sexuality...he was bi, and he wanted nothing more than to be with his brother.
Jeff gave a derisive snort. Yeah, that'd go over well at dinner. "By the way, bro, thought ya might wanna know that, not only is your eccentric little brother a fudge-packer, but didja know that I fantasize about throwing you down and fucking you till you can't remember your own name?"
Somehow he didn't think that would've made things any less fucked up than they currently were. And he'd be damned if he knew how to fix it...if it could be fixed at all.
So he wrapped his coat tighter around him and slid onto the floor of the porch, onto the welcome mat, leaning back against the door. Trying to decide what to do next.
TBC
