He probably would have been uncomfortable if he were able to allow any thought other than one into his head. But that one thought was like a broken record in his mind, repeating over and over, and had been doing so for the last hour. "Wake up."
They said Adam had done well, that the surgery had gone off without a hitch. But Jay wasn't going to believe it until he was able to look into the most beautiful midnight blue eyes in the world and see it for himself.
His hand wrapped firmly around Adam's, his thumb stroking the back of his friend's almost absent-mindedly. Jay sighed heavily, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling.
"Wake up, wake up, wake up...come on, wake up, Adam..." He looked down, hoping his mumbled chant would have come true, but thick, gold-tipped lashes still rested unmoving against cheeks that were far too pale for Jay's liking.
The nurse had said it was ok to talk to him, even that Adam might hear him. Jay sighed heavily, lowering his chin down to rest on his and Adam's entwined fingers, looking up beneath his brows at his best friend.
"Hey...you gonna wake up soon, buddy? I'm friggin' starving, I'd like to go get somethin' to eat. Yeah, yeah, I know what you'd say, me and my bottomless pit stomach, right? Right. Everybody's waiting, man, callin' every ten minutes even though I already swore to call as soon as you woke up. I guess they're as worried as I am. Maybe not, I'm pretty damn worried, dude."
Jay reached up to absently brush aside a strand of spun-gold curl that rested lightly across Adam's pale, stubbled cheek. For some reason that tiny act made him choke up, tears filling his cornflower blue eyes.
"Fuck. Fuck man, you know you gotta be ok, right? Cuz we ain't anywhere near done, ya know? I...I got things I wanna tell you, stuff I gotta say. Don't you dare go leavin' without givin' me the chance. What do I hafta say, you ask? Well, now there's a can of fuckin' worms if I ever saw one." Heavy sigh. "Well, first off I wanna tell you you're my best friend. I know, you already know that, right? Maybe. But I wanna say it anyway. Then I wanna tell you that if you *ever* go and do something like this and scare the shit outta me again, I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Orangeville. Don't think I can't do it, either."
Jay grinned to himself, he could just imagine Adam's trademark smirk at that last comment, one brow arched above deep blue eyes that twinkled with mischief. He thought that maybe he'd be willing to trade his soul to see that smirk right then.
"I got other stuff too. Like Alanah...she's a great girl, man, but...but I don't think she's right for you. I know you've been stressing about maybe getting back together again, but I wanna tell you I don't think you should. Why? Cuz...well, just cuz." Jay paused, frowning. Then sighed again. "Aw fuck, that ain't true. I *know* why. Because...because maybe there's somebody else who loves you more, somebody who knows you better than you know yourself, somebody who...somebody who'd, I dunno, sit in a hard ass chair with no damn food for 6 hours and talk himself blue in the face hoping you'd wake up. Somebody like that, maybe."
Jay took a deep breath, staring down at his hand tangled with Adam's. "Fuck. I know we haven't ever talked about stuff like this, but maybe it's time we did. Remember how amazing we were together during the indie times? Fucking sucked with no heat and shit, but we made up for it, all snuggled together in a sleeping bag meant for one, making love and heat until the sun came up. Don't you miss that? I do. I miss it being ok for me to touch your face and I miss kissing you. I miss you not looking ashamed whenever we hug a little too long and you snatch away from me like I got the fucking plague or something. I miss being allowed to love you and not having to pretend I'm just your best friend and not the man you're supposed to spend your life with. Dammit, Adam, I miss *us*."
Jay flipped his dark gold hair back out of his face, sighing again. "I've been thinking a lot sitting here. Been thinkin' about what happened with us. I can still see your face when you told me you didn't think 'us' was a good idea anymore. And I been thinkin' maybe I let it drop too easy, ya know. Cuz lookin' back, I don't think you really wanted us to be over. Maybe...I dunno, maybe you wanted me to change your mind, to convince you, maybe. I shoulda done that, man, I shoulda argued with you and told you what a stupid idea that was, instead of just shrugging and acting like it wasn't any big deal cuz I didn't want you to see how bad it hurt."
Jay smiled a little, reaching up to gently stroke Adam's cool cheek. "Well, I'm tellin' you now, bro, it's a stupid fucking idea. So, now that we got that cleared up, let's move on. Let's talk about Hardy. Yeah, you thought I didn't know about you and Rainbow, didn't you? I knew. I betcha Alanah doesn't know, though. You really outta tell her about that side of you, man, especially if you are seriously gonna try to get back together with her. Not that I hope you do but still...she should know."
Jay tilted his head, eyes drinking in his friend's sharp, classical features. "Now, Hardy...he's a good kid, Adam, a real good kid. And maybe you don't realize it, but he's in love with you. He doesn't really get that you think of him as a passing fancy. You gotta clear that up, Adam, cuz he's a good kid and you're gonna break his heart without even meaning to. You got that way about you, you know? That way of making people just lose their hearts to you and you don't even realize it, cuz it's just how you are, just so damn loveable and so damn irresistible. Look at me, you've had my heart in your back pocket since junior high and still haven't figured it out, ya big tool."
Jay smiled to himself, lowering his lips to lightly brush across the back of Adam's hand, exhaling softly at the nearly forgotten bliss of Adam's skin against his mouth. His eyes closed on a sigh. "Goddamn, Adam, I miss you so much. Every fucking day, seeing you, hanging with you, joking with you, but it just ain't enough. Color me selfish, babe, but I want the whole package, all of it, every last fucking breath you take, I want it to be mine. I'm sick of sharing you, of being on the outskirts of your life, an afterthought. I want to be what you are to me...the first thing on my mind in the morning, the last thing on my mind at night. And every second in between. Presumptuous? Maybe. But I don't care. I'm not gonna waste any more fucking time watching you live a life that doesn't involve me."
Jay grinned suddenly. "Y'know, bro, I somehow don't think *this* was what the nurse had in mind when she said I should talk to you. I think she was thinking more along the lines of mundane shit like the weather, not life-altering choices. Huh. Well, this is what I gotta say and now's as good a time as any, I guess."
The grin faded as quickly and Jay lowered his forehead to the edge of the bed. "Man...would ya wake up already?? We're goin' on two hours since they brought you back, dude...shouldn't you be awake by now?"
Just then, a light squeeze on his hand brought Jay's head shooting up, his eyes snapping to clash with groggy, pain-shrouded midnight blue orbs, heavy with drugs and lacking the usual sparkle. But Jay couldn't repress the huge grin that spread across his face, uncaring of the tears that streamed unchecked down his cheeks. "Adam...oh fuck, man... thank god! You okay, bro?"
Unable to speak, Adam gave Jay's hand another light squeeze and Jay choked on a sob, squeezing gently back. The two simply stared at each other for a long moment and Adam's eyes began to droop, though he struggled to keep them open. Jay smiled through his tears.
"It's okay, bro, go on back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, I swear. I ain't goin' anywhere, man."
Adam let his eyes close briefly, then opened them, staring directly into Jay's with a fraction of spark within them. He opened his mouth, face determined. Then mouthed the words, "I love you."
Jay felt his heart clench. Dumbfounded as, with more determination, Adam mouthed the words again, emphasizing 'love' with a stronger squeeze. "You...you heard me talking, didn't you?"
A weak squeeze of his hand was his answer, and Jay bit back another sob, looking down, then back up into his best friend's eyes. "I love you, too, babe. Get some sleep, we have plenty of time to talk about this, ok?"
Adam let out a soft, ragged sigh, and closed his eyes, his breathing deep and rhythmic as he drifted back to sleep. Jay bent his head over Adam's hand in his own, tears falling unashamedly, shoulders shaking as the emotional toll of the entire day hit him. Finally, emptied of tears, he lifted his head, leaning up to brush a soft, fleeting kiss across Adam's lips, whispering a silent prayer of thanks to whatever gods had been watching.
He'd woken up. In more ways than one.
