Gunslinger

The movie begins with Beverly Garland as the wife of the marshal of Oracle, Texas in 1878. The reason I can be so specific as to the place and date is because it is flashed across the screen as she goes to his office with breakfast. They engage in affectionate banter, revealing that they are happily married. He is suddenly shot; she runs out and  kills one of the murderers. She goes back into the office and appears annoyed that her husband died.

The next day is the funeral. Apparently this town can't afford a preacher because the mayor performs the ceremony. Immediately after the burial, Beverly whips out a gun and kills the second murderer. Folks, if you've just killed a man, don't go to his funeral. Especially if the grieving widow, who is proficient with a firearm, will be there. She also declares her intent to go after whoever hired the thugs. There is some banter over this, revealing that the new marshal won't arrive for another two weeks and the deputy is admittedly too stupid to take over. So Beverly becomes the interim marshal.

After the funeral, Erica, the local bitch and owner of the saloon, offers her condolences only to be rebuffed by Beverly. Apparently Bev's pissed because, although according to law, last call is 3 a.m., "The Red Dog Saloon is open twenty-four hours." There is an exchange of evil looks, showing us that these two are now Enemies.

Beverly puts on pants (a pair of For the Fellas Pants!) and becomes...ta-da! The New Marshall! For the next week, not much happens. Beverly forces Erica to close the saloon on time. Erica sends out her Little Man Assistant to hire a killer to shoot Beverly. Bev shoots a lot of criminals. Courts? Who needs 'em? The mayor shows up and Erica reveals her plans to him, which have something to do with her buying up all the land that the new railroad is supposed to be built on. Or something like that.

Little Man Assistant comes back to the saloon after hiring Cane Miro, the fastest gun in the West. Beverly meets Cane one day when she's out shootin' and invites him to come with her to book a Bad Guy. She's just met this guy and already she trusts him. Uh-huh.

When they get back to town, Cane goes to the saloon where a bad dance sequence is being performed by mannish dancers. The next smattering of dialogue reveals that Cane has A Past. Somehow this Past involves the mayor, the Civil War, and Erica. Well, Erica's easy (both to figure out and in the other sense): she and Cane used to date. The Past involving the Civil War and the mayor makes no sense and is probably historically inaccurate. Civil War buffs are invited to correct any errors in the Tragic Battle Cane recounts later in the flick.

Beverly finds out Cane's wanted "in three states and five territories," but likes him anyway. They engage in some vaguely sexual banter. This is supposed to create romantic tension. Cane's been hired to kill Beverly, but he likes her! But he's getting Some from Erica! Can't give up Some! Or can you, when there's possibility of more Some from Beverly. What to do, what to do...

Beverly's husband has been dead a week. It is up to us to remember this since she obviously doesn't.

The mayor runs away to hide from Cane, but Beverly finds him and puts him in the jail for safekeeping. This is how it happens: Cane follows her to the canyon where the mayor's hiding and does nothing. The Bev follows him back to the canyon to warn the mayor to leave, somehow arriving before Cane. When Cane arrives for the second time, he's surprised that the mayor's no longer there. Cane! You were just there. Why didn't you shoot the guy then?

Cane and Beverly meet in a tree one night (more accurately in a "for-night-at-noon" shot) where he tells her he loves her. She seems to return the feeling. Remember: husband dead week and a half. Then she runs off for some reason and is attacked by the mannish dancers from the saloon. Somewhere in all of this, Beverly kicked them out of town for "constituting an immoral influence." They try to hang Bev, but Cane shows up and thwarts their plans. After banning them from the state (does she have that authority?), she starts crying on Cane's shoulder. To which Crow (in the MST version) remarked, "She didn't even cry when her husband died."

That night, or one soon after, Cane gets drunk and bitter. He goes back to his hallway in the motel where he breathes all over Erica. She rebuffs and rebukes him and returns to the saloon where Little Man Assistant slaps her because he loves her. She fires him, so he goes to Beverly and reveals the whole plan. Cane finds out and shoots him. Beverly shows up and does nothing while Erica watches condescendingly from above.

The next day is a Big Day. The Pony Express is bringing the mayor a letter from the railroad people telling him whether Oracle will be blessed with train tracks. Erica and Cane meet the Pony Express rider, take the letter, and shoot him. For no reason. Back in town, Beverly is worried that the mail is late, so she rides off. Cane and Erica come back to town and kill everybody but the dep-you-tee. Bev returns to find a big pile of bodies. At this point, Cane has a Moment of Doubt: shoot Erica or Beverly? Shoot Erica. Beverly chases him out of town, guns a-blazin'. Shot wrong woman.

Then follows a Great Cinematic Moment: as Bev and Cane are trying to kill each other, they declare their undying love. Then Beverly kills him.

She rides back to town, announces she's leaving, and leaves. On the way out she runs into the guy who's coming to replace her husband. (Remember him? Guy who died at the beginning?) He asks for directions to the marshal's office. Oh the bitter irony.

Warning: Beverly and Erica look very similar. There is a scene where I thought the woman was Beverly, but it was Erica. Just remember Beverly always wears a white shirt with her For the Fellas Pants.

Rating: 3 cat treats

Best Line: The deputy refuses his promotion.

Best Scene: The dance sequences

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