This is the movie that makes New Mexico cry. As Pearl Forrester said, "It stars no one and features nothing." The two main characters go through their roles like they're on Nyquil and the only character with any good sense goes through spurts of ACTING! The only redemption of this flick is that the main character dies three times and the MST version is hilarious.

The first two scenes have absolutely no bearing on the rest of the movie. Apparently it wasn't cool to start your movie off with opening credits in 1976. It's just filler so the people at the concession stand wouldn't miss anything while they were getting their popcorn. During and after the credits we meet our main character, Paul, riding his motorcycle across the desert. He parks it, takes his shirt off, and begins a highly informal archaeological dig. A shard of dinner plate is uncovered. Suddenly--AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Paul looks around, shrugs, and goes back to work. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! The Authentic Navajo Aluminum Mask makes an appearance, as does Johnny Longbow a few seconds later. Johnny is a professor of anthropology at Unknown University who is out on a photo shoot with two grad assistants and a photographer, Kathy. The prank was Kathy's idea, which she explains in great bland detail. Yes, the screaming and mask were a prank. Meet Kathy, everyone!

Johnny chastises Paul for changing majors from anthropology to mineralogy which I only mention because it comes up exactly once more in the movie. Then they all head to The Reservation for stew. During dinner they watch an nonchalant news report on the Easy-Bake Oven about an asteroid hitting the moon. Hey, a meteor shower! That'll completely fail to liven up this movie! To pass the time before sunset, Johnny gives out his stew recipe: chicken, corn, green peppers, chile, *sigh* onions.... Paul and Kathy decide the others are boring and head up to Sandia Crest for the storm. While they're gone, Johnny tells his students The Legend of Lizard and Coyote. I mention this tale only because the male grad student is rather insulting to his professor during the tale. Not generally regarded as a good idea, especially when the guy is sitting right across the table from you!

Meanwhile at the Crest, Paul and Kathy stare at the sky. A meteor whizzes by, causing Paul to fall on top of Kathy and accidentally on purpose kiss her. Of course the meteor hits Paul in the head. Kathy notices the scratch and worries. Paul doesn't care, he's found a moon rock! Oh wow! Kathy won't stop worrying, though, so to shut her up Paul takes her to his house for antiseptic. We are treated to a guided tour of Paul's sad little life, rounded off with the unveiling of Ty, his pet Komodo Dragon. Kathy is disgusted, but falls in love with Paul anyway.

The next day they go to a NASA exhibit so Kathy can take some pictures. They pronounce it "Nassau," the clear mark of any bad movie. Paul passes out, prompting another bout of Kathy worry. Still, nothing can stop their whirlwind romance, so that night they go to a concert with Johnny. Unfortunately, the band sucks and the producers decided to include every last frickin' word of the song, even after Our Heroes leave the concert. You fellas out there might be intrigued with Kathy's short dress during these scenes. It's certainly more interesting than the discussion she has with Johnny about Paul's sad little life.

That night Paul sweats and gasps in bed. This gets boring, so he gets out of bed to gasp and sweat as he pulls back the curtain covering Ty's cage. A still shot of the moon is shown.

A drunken bowler comes home after a late game. Alas, his wife has grown tired of his pastime and locks him out until he sobers up. An old argument ensues. Then the bowler lets out his final anguished scream as he is attacked by the unknown. The wife, startled, turns around and heads to the door. Blood oozes in from outside. She gathers up her courage, opens the door, and dies from the shock of what she finds. This paragraph is much more interesting than the scene it describes.

The police find the bodies and, for some reason, call Johnny to the scene. The sheriff takes Johnny on a tour of the crime scene, pointing out the strange hand- and footprints they've found. Johnny suggests that they ask a paleontologist at the university what caused so much death and destruction. The paleontologist looks at the cast of the footprint and declares it to be that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It's a human foot with the toes bent up.

Kathy comes by Paul's house to wake him up. She discovers to her horror that Ty has escaped.

Later that day, Kathy and Paul go on yet another photo shoot, this time of Navajo children shooting arrows. Johnny shows up to check on Paul, who convinces him to "live up to his name." Johnny gets his bow and arrows out of his trunk (he just keeps them there, huh?) while Paul gets two dried ears of corn and stands in front of the target. Johnny shoots one ear right through the middle. One can only hope that this demonstration will end with Paul getting the same treatment. Sadly, Paul faints again, ending the demo.

Kathy takes Paul home and puts him to bed. She settles down on the couch in the World's Most Garish Room. In the middle of the night, Paul wakes up, gasping and sweaty, with a sudden urge to take his shirt of. He stands at the door looking at the full moon photo.

 Some fishermen are playing cards in a tent. They laugh and joke, old friends enjoying an old pleasure. Suddenly they are attacked by a giant lizard creature! (It looks an awful lot like the lizard creature Captain Kirk fought in the original Star Trek.) It tears through the tent, breaking mannequins. There is nothing for the fishermen to do but survey the damage as the lizard leaves. Again, paragraph more thrilling than scene.

After some scenes of Kathy worrying and Johnny talking to the sheriff, Paul is taken to the hospital. There they discover that there's a fragment of something-or-other in Paul's head. Johnny borrows Paul's moon rock and departs.

Here we reach the high point of the movie: The Slide Show. Johnny calls the sheriff over to see the slides he took during his graduate work, thinking they might explain what's going on. A 500-year-old deer hide painting recounts the tale of a young man who was hit on the head by a "light from the sky." Shortly after this, the man turned into a "demon lizard monster" that killed everyone in sight, but couldn't be killed. Just when all hope was lost, the monster's back mysteriously caught fire and it died. Um, Johnny? I'm not buying that one.

Next, Johnny and the sheriff go to the NASA exhibit where Johnny holds Paul's rock up in front of the one on display. A negative scratch appears. Johnny thinks he's figured out what's going on.

Paul hears about The Slide Show and negative scratch and asks to be confined in the hospital overnight. Kathy shows up and leaves. The sheriff and Johnny watch in horror as Paul turns into a lizard-like something. He wakes up tied to the bed and asks to see Kathy again. Experts are called in. More x-rays are taken, which Paul is not allowed to see. He eavesdrops, however, and is horrified to learn that the fragment in his head has multiplied. Fake science ensues, convincing Paul that suicide is the only answer.

A convenient motorcycle pulls up to the hospital entrance. Paul steals it and heads for the local Coin & Gun shop. His attempt to buy a 12-gague is foiled when he hears a description of himself being broadcast over the radio. There's only one place for him to go now: Sandia Crest.

Back at the hospital, Kathy tells the sheriff where they can find Paul and snuggles up to Johnny.

Paul tries wrecking his motorcycle, but survives. Damn. He sees a cable car going up the mountain and jumps out of it. Alas, it's only a dream. Damn.

Kathy tells everyone she's going back to The Reservation and heads up to Sandia Crest to find Paul. Find him she does, but she can't convince him not to kill himself. So she helps him climb back up the mountain instead. Night falls. Paul turns into a lizard. Kathy screams. Two policemen fire randomly in all directions only to be killed by LizardPaul. Johnny finds Kathy. The sheriff, doctors, and Johnny all agree that Paul's only escape is death. Kathy has a spaz attack and steals Johnny's car. She drives twenty feet and finds LizardPaul. She has another spaz attack, running out of the car towards Johnny. Johnny shoots Paul with an arrowhead made from Paul's moon rock. Dr. Who-like effects (circa Jon Pertwee's time) appear while Paul dies. Finally!

The movie ends with Kathy being herded off the set. Everyone except Johnny drives off, leaving him to stare blankly at the glowing burnt remains of Paul. Fin.

Cat Treats: 2

Dumbest Lines: (all spoken by Kathy)

1. "It's us I'm really frightened about." (after knowing Paul four hours)

2. "Oh Paul, why couldn't there be time for us?" (after knowing him three days)

3. "Paul, help me! Please!"

Best Scene: The Slide Show

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