The Horrors of Spider Island

This movie so desperately wants to be soft-core porn. It practically begs you, "Please play me at a stag party!" But, alas, it cannot get up the required zest that all soft-core porn needs. Mainly, a main male character who doesn't inspire retching. Second, nudity. Real, not implied. And so Horrors fails with flying colors.

Our movie begins in Los Angeles. We know it's L.A. because there are palm trees outside. As everyone knows, if there's a palm tree, we must be in California! You don't have to rely on just the foliage for the location, though, because the next scene introduces us to a group of women wanting to audition for a dance troupe. As we all know, L.A. is the only place in the world where you can do this.

While the women are waiting for the auditions to begin, they talk about Singapore. Seems that the lucky dancing ladies will be on tour there. But when will the auditions begin? After much seam straightening, makeup freshening, and illicit smoking, the Man in Charge shows up: Gary the Rectangular Man (and his secretary, Georgia. They're a team). They go into the inner office and meet Dr. Strangelove. Then the auditions begin.

The first one up is May. To get the job, she has to show Gary her legs. Truly this was a different time. The next one, Rhonda, is not a dancer and is subsequently not hired. Babs the Tough One enters and bullies her way into the troupe. Carolyn the Ballerina missed the point entirely. Gladys and Doreen defy orders and enter together, which somehow convinces Gary to hire them. (Quick note: We never see Doreen again.) Linda strips, so you know she's hired. Nelly has the only real audition. She dances for a long minute before she's picked.

Now that Gary's chosen his new troupe, he sends Georgia out to 'splain things to the "girls". While she's gone, Dr. Strangelove asks him to explain the method behind his madness. Gary explains that although it seems that Georgia is picking the "girls," he's giving her signals as to which ones he wants. If he likes her, he crosses his ankles. I enjoy these forays into pointlessness, don't you?

An unspecified length of time passes. The troupe takes off from Anonymous Airport, then flies to New York en route to Singapore then back over the Pacific. After some scenes of the top sides of clouds to prove that they really are on an airplane, an air traffic controller gets a Mayday! Oh no! The engines are on fire! The plane SLAMS into the Pacific! Toonses, NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back home, Dr. Strangelove is worrying. The extent of this worry is shown by chain-smoking and whiskey.

Meanwhile, a raft is floating on the ocean. It's Gary & Co. They survived. Uh. Huh.

The women murmur and try to steal water. One of them sees a bird. "Where there's a bird, there must be land!" exclaims Gary. They paddle to a Remote Pacific Island^TM. Excited, the women leap out of the raft and struggle to swim to shore. Crow (in the MST version) said it best: "They sat around floating for a while and now they're exhausted." Gary, as the only man around, carries the women to the shore and drapes them over rocks. Moron doesn't get the raft. Bye-bye raft!

It's morning on the island. Gary, as the only man around, goes exploring and finds fresh water. We are treated to a scene of him shirtless and rubbing the water into his chest. ICK. Thankfully, he stops soon and calls the women to the stream. They murmur their way to the first unlimited fresh water they've had in days and drink until Gary tells them to stop. Then they all go murmuring off to explore the island.

A woman breaks the heel off her shoe. Had to happen sometime, folks. While she examines the damage, she finds a hammer. Gary, as the only man around, knows immediately what it is. "A hammer with a long handle. It must be for the purpose of excavating some kind of metal. Most possibly uranium." Printed words cannot begin to describe Gary's hilarious delivery of these lines. Priceless, truly priceless.

Now that the writers have established that there were other people on the island, Gary & Co. find a cabin. Inside is a giant web with a scientific-looking man hanging dead from it. Gary'n'Georgia dispose of the body before the others will come near the cabin. As they move in, we get our very first glimpse of The Deadly Spider. It's a puppet.

Gary'n'Georgia discuss the dead man's diary. This scene neither adds to nor detracts from the rest of the film, so let's ignore it.

Someone discovers a trunk full of the dead man's clothes. The women fight over it until Gary tells them to quit and gives Georgia a shirt. The others move on to fighting about something else until it's time to go to bed.

It's hot tonight, so all the women go to sleep on the porch in their underwear. Linda slinks past Gary as he stands at ATTEN-SHUN! Georgia tries to talk him into bed, but he finds a gun and goes outside where there is much writhing. He seems to disapprove until Linda grabs hold of his leg. Then he most definitely approves. Alas, Georgia comes to the door and is slightly displeased. Gary blames the heat for his infidelity before stumbling off into the woods. Linda is inclined to follow, but Georgia pulls her back and fake-slaps her.

Thunder rumbles ominously overhead as Gary staggers aimlessly through the woods. The Deadly Spider Puppet follows him until just the right moment before jumping on his back and biting him. Gary throws the Deadly Spider Puppet onto the ground and shoots it. Five times. One stomp with a shoe would have done it, Gar.

Back at the cabin, the women hear the shots and rush out on the porch. (Weren't they out there anyway?) The roof collapses, drenching them. In the meantime, Gary turns into a "spider". He has a hairy face, three pointy fangs, and wears slacks.

The next morning Georgia leads a search party to find Gary. Linda is left behind because she's a tramp. Saxophone music plays as she slinks around suggestively. Garyspider sneaks up behind her and kills her. The other women discover her in the stream when they return from their fruitless search. After the funeral, Babs accuses Georgia of the murder and there's an all-out girl fight. Garyspider returns to touch Georgia's face. She screams and he runs off.

Weeks later, May and Ann the Shy Panicky One see a ship. Ann's cries of "Hellao! Take us vith you!" go unheeded, so she tries to walk off a cliff.

After another unspecified length of time, two men show up. They are Joe and Bobby. They work for the Professor (the dead man) and have been gone for six months. Joe sets off to find the Professor, leaving Bobby to drink. Bobby hears giggling. He climbs into a tree overlooking the lagoon where he sees four women in flesh-colored bodysuits swimming. Gladys the Gullible One swims off by herself and is kidnapped.

Georgia, Ann, and Nelly find the decomposed remains of the spider next to Gary's gun. On the other side of the island, Gladys and Bobby have an Interlude. The other three (Babs, May, and Kate the Overly Southern One) show up to announce Gladys' disappearance. Joe arrives to be threatened by Georgia, who has found the gun. He takes it all in stride because guess who just showed up? Bobby and Gladys hanging all over each other. The news of the Professor's death is overshadowed by the revelation that a ship will be stopping by in two days to pick up the men. But first, PARTY!

The women stick grasses into their underwear to make jungle bikinis. Then, for the first time since the "auditions", the dancers dance. Joe sees Ann on the porch and sidles over for some small talk. Bobby promises to meet Gladys for a secret rendezvous in fifteen minutes. She runs off, leaving him free to dance with the other women. Joe gives Ann his neck bandana as a token of his undying love while Bobby plays the field.

Gladys returns to the cabin and runs into Georgia. They discuss Bobby's Mr. Right capabilities. As they round the corner, they discover Bobby's Mr. Wrong capabilities. Babs then coaxes Bobby into the cabin where they discuss her future as a dancer and actress. Then she warns Bobby not to play around with Gladys because she's A Nice Girl.

As they leave the cabin, Bobby runs into Joe and mentions Ann. Joe takes this as an insult, so they go back inside to have it out in the wimpiest manner possible. After waving their fists at each other, they laugh and all is well. Bobby runs off to meet Gladys. Unbeknownst to him (but knownst to us), Gladys is still at the cabin having it out with Babs. Babs reveals that Bobby really does love Gladys, prompting said Gullible One to prance off to find him. And find him she does. Well, his body anyway. Garyspider killed him. She shrieks and takes off.

Back at the cabin, everyone hears Gladys screaming. Joe, as the only man around, leads the women in a chase to save her. They catch up with the fleeing dancer at a cliff, barely keeping ahead of Garyspider. Joe runs back to the cabin for some reason, leaving the women to watch Gladys fall off the cliff to her horrible demise. Undaunted, Garyspider then pursues Joe. He catches up with him at Bobby's body where they have a strange exchange with a rock.

Georgia meets Joe back at the cabin so they can search for ammunition. Garyspider walks in, ready to kill, but is reprimanded by Georgia. While Joe fights Garyspider, Georgia finds some flares which scare Garyspider away. Joe, as the only man around, distributes flares to everyone and they chase Garyspider to the Quicksand of Convenience. They watch in apathy as he slowly falls in and drowns.

The next day a ship arrives to pick them up. Joe & Co. watch the island recede in the distance before the scene suddenly ends. That's it.

Cat Treats: Three. One for being so bad it's funny and two for the uranium hammer line.

Best Line: The Uranium Hammer Line.

Best Scene: The rock encounter.

Best MST Line: Servo: "Gary! Thy Lord commandeth! Tug your pants down a titch and put on a shirt!"

Back