Werewolf

This is the movie that made Arizona cry. It also made astronomers cry because the full moon never wanes. Ever. However, it does feature some of the best unintentionally funny bad acting of all times, which redeems the film somewhat.

For once, there are no pre-credit sequences that have no bearing on the rest of the movie. Get in your seat and bam, there's the title. It's called "Werewolf" but pronounced "warwilf." To say it correctly, you have to swallow your tongue. The opening chants make the full moon appear with visions of something that looks almost, but not quite, completely unlike a wolf.

We then join an archaeological dig in the desert. A cowboy, a Native American, and Joe Estevez are taking a break. Yuri the Jerk decides they don't need a break, so he and Tommy (the Native fellow) have it out. The cowboy uncovers a jawbone before joining the fistfight. Natalie, the token woman, shows up and tells the guys to knock it off. Noel shows up and stops the fight. Let's pause to look at what we have here: a cowboy, a Native American, Yuri (who looks like a construction worker), and Noel (who acts like a policeman). Add a biker and a soldier and you have the Village People Archaeological Society!

Meanwhile, Tommy has cut himself on the jawbone and needs stitches. The cowboy is concerned. "Is ya hurt?" he asks. Joe Estevez watches as Yuri uncovers the rest of the skeleton. In horror he whispers "Yamaglanchie!" Noel tells him to follow Tommy and the cowboy to the hospital. Natalie is confused about what's going on, but Noel and Yuri ain't talking. Joe is still hanging around at the end of the scene. Goodbye Joe!

In the next scene, we get a good look at the skeleton. It's a human skeleton with a wolf skull. Apparently the werewolf got stuck like that when he died. Just like his mama warned him. "Are you lycanthropizing again? What are you going to do if you die and get stuck like that?" Noel and Yuri declare it the body of a "skinwalker." A long explanation follows, featuring Natalie's most tortured pronunciation of "warwilf" and the best line of the movie (see below). Natalie declares the explanation "absolutely fussinating," which prompts even more explanation. They are cut off by a recording of wolves howling in the distance.

The cowboy brings Tommy home to Joe. Tommy keeps sniffling which makes Joe put on his Horrified Face. He orders the cowboy to take Tommy back to the hospital and the scene switches back to Noel & Co.

A slow pan of the skeleton reveals three things: 1) There are ear bones on the skull. 2) There are three joints in the legs. 3) It is the Fakest Skeleton Ever Constructed. Noel & Co. discuss making their discovery public and becoming Rich & Famous.

At the hospital, a doctor and nurse discuss Tommy's condition. "Did you get a good look at his face?" the doctor asks. "Yes," replies the nurse. "There is constant transformation." I was not aware that transformation was a medical term. This is why I'm not a doctor or nurse. When the nurse goes back into the room, we see that Tommy is growing a slapdash beard.

The next day at the dig, Yuri (whose hair is completely different now) demands to know where Tommy is. Joe snaps back that he's in the hospital because "he got an infection from that thing he cut himself on." That night Yuri (whose hair is completely different now) disguises himself as a doctor and sneaks into Tommy's room. He is startled at the door by a baby's cry. Very poorly designed hospital they've got there, what with putting werewolves in the maternity ward and all. Yuri inspects Tommy and draws blood by holding a tube attached to a pre-filled vial up to his arm. Tommy sniffles some more as Yuri leaves.

There's a full moon out tonight. Tommy is now a hairy monkey thing. He jumps out of bed to wreak havoc. Fortunately, he puts on his jeans before doing so. He frightens the transformation nurse and kills Bob Vila. At another location the cowboy and Joe are waiting for Tommy to come back to his "lair." They're both armed with guns that have been loaded with silver bullets. Where do you even get silver bullets these days? They see a bear with a wolf mask and shoot it. That is officially the Fakest Werewolf Ever. We never see Joe, the cowboy, or Tommy again.

Now that there's room for another character, Paul shows up. He's a writer by trade who needs to SPEAK UP so the rest of us can hear him. He is greeted at his new home by a grizzled militia man. This is Sam the Keeper. As Paul tries to get away from the crazy man, Sam sings a song about the strange things a-doin' around here.

Upstairs, Paul meets his pantsless secretary Carrie. She reads a note to him and reveals some insignificant back story about the house and why Paul is here. Paul looks bored, so she invites him to a birthday party that night. Then she slips out of the house like a good inconsequential character.

Natalie is at the party. She sees Paul. Paul sees her. They smile and move on to other people. Yuri is also at the party all liquored up. He hits on Natalie, irritating Noel. Paul comes over to defend the lady's honor as well, which causes a burst of loud mumbling. Yuri is thrown out so he stomps over to the lab. Meanwhile, Paul blows Natalie's hair out of her face and declares that Yuri has no class. Natalie agrees.

There is a skeleton of a Pushmi-Pullyu at the museum. This most be the Museum of Weird Skeletons. Yuri borrows a security guard and shows him the werewolf bones. To celebrate, he pops open a bottle of champagne and, as the guard yaps on about his Italian mother, slips an unknown substance into his cup. The guard continues talking after he drains his cup until he passes out. Yuri injects him with the blood he took from Tommy

When the guard wakes up, Yuri sends him on his way. He mutters something about a "modern man-made werewolf" before following the guard to his car. Once the guard gets behind the wheel, he begins turning into a werewolf. He circles the block for awhile with Yuri (whose hair is completely different now) close behind. Suddenly, the guard crashes into a pile of oil barrels lying directly in the middle of the road! His car explodes for no good reason! TOONSES, NOOOOOOOOO!

Natalie drives Paul home from the party. They flirt for awhile but are interrupted by Sam the Keeper. Natalie invites her new love interest to the lab the next day where she shows him the werewolf skeleton. Some talk of funding ensues. Paul is skeptical, thinking the skeleton is of a bear or coyote. Paul's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yuri (whose hair is completely different now) comes in and starts yelling at Paul. Natalie tries in vain to keep the peace, but Yuri swats Paul with the werewolf skull. Paul, bleeding heavily, runs out of the lab. Natalie follows soon after.

Late that afternoon, Paul looks thoughtful in his room. Later that afternoon, Paul reads on his bed. He has a strange moment. Later that afternoon, Paul has another strange moment. Later that night, Paul has yet another strange moment, this one involving a rolling camera on the floor. Natalie comes in to talk about the fight in the lab. She inspects the cut on his shoulder as tender music plays.

A young Neve Campbell and Jim Carrey make out in a truck. I will not dignify this scene by describing it other than to say it is the most awkward almost-sex scene captured on film. I am embarrassed for them While the young rake is gettin' busy, the luscious maiden sees Paul, who is a werewolf now. I will not dignify her response by describing it. She immediately runs out of the truck and down the road, where she promptly falls into a mud puddle. Fortunately, her white dress already has a huge mud stain on it. Paul jumps on her and rips her throat out.

An undetermined amount of time later, Paul is reading in bed when he starts lycanthropizing again. This time he comes out looking Amish. Carrie returns, this time wearing pants. She hears Paul snarling upstairs, so she goes to see what's what. WerePaul comes out of the bathroom and throws her down the stairs. While he revels, she runs away in terror. We never see Carrie again.

The next day, Natalie comes by. Paul is listening to a radio program about "moon madness." He is upset because he was "running through the streets...doing things..." the night before. He turns off both the radio program and the soundtrack and asks Natalie what happened to Tommy. He knew about Tommy how? She tells him Tommy is confined (I thought he was shot?) because "he turned into beast!" Tenderly, she tells Paul she's concerned about his wallaby.

In an official-looking building, Yuri talks on the phone. Natalie comes in and gets upset because Yuri is looking at her. He leaves without saying a word. Soon after, Noel comes in and asks her what's wrong. She's troubled by all the werewolfing going on. Noel explains that he wants to reveal the skeleton to the world so he can make the big buck$.

Sometime later, Natalie and Paul are at a pool hall. Natalie easily wins every game she plays against Paul, possibly because her shirt is two sizes too small. Yuri (whose hair is completely different now) arrives, also wearing a too-tight shirt. He challenges Natalie to a game. A biker watches them closely as Natalie easily beats Yuri. Paul sits in the corner and begins to turn into a werewolf, but no one notices. The camera slowly pans over a mural depicting How the West Was Won. The biker, impressed by Natalie's mad pool skillz, challenges her to a game while Yuri stalks off.

WerePaul is making urk sounds in the bathroom. Yuri emerges from a stall and stares in shock at him. WerePaul runs out into the streets where he immediately starts Doing Things. He assaults a few people, one of whom fights back, is nearly hit by a Pimpmobile, and climbs to the top of a building.

Yuri calls Noel from the bar. He tells Noel of Paul's change and they decide to capture him so they can show him to the public and make the big buck$. Natalie overhears the conversation and makes Yuri tell her what's going on. She is shocked to find out Yuri and Noel "is in it for the fame and fortune!" despite the fact that Noel told her his plans a few scenes ago. She declares that she won't stand for this and runs over to Paul's house.

Sam the Keeper is dusting when WerePaul gets home. He is horrified to see the change in his boss and invokes the Trinity. WerePaul roughs him up a little before running upstairs. Natalie comes in, interrupting Sam at prayer. She tells him to shoot the people outside, then runs upstairs after WerePaul. When she sees him, she is horrified by his bad werewolf makeup. In tears, she declares her love for him, telling him to leave before Yuri and Noel get him.

Yuri pulls up outside. Paul is defenestrated and runs away. Natalie comes out the front door, heading straight for Yuri.

WerePaul runs into the desert, closely followed by Yuri. A horribly filmed fight sequence follows in which Yuri smacks himself in the face and gets badly scratched. Somehow this kills him. WerePaul gets away. Natalie shows up and stares blankly at Yuri's body.

Much later, Natalie comes back to Paul's house. The room is badly lit, but we can see that her hair is now wild and crazy. Paul comes home. A spotlight shines on their faces, revealing that they are now both werewolves. The end. And the hell.

Cat Treats: 5

Best Line: "He takes on a series of strange body habits...like sleeping like a coyote, nose to anus."

Best Scene: Yuri's death.

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