The Archive Serving your needs since 2001...                                                          ...providing you need a swift kick in the face

Last Updated September 5th, 2007 50 cents

Louisiana exporting large concentrations of awesome. --P. 27

Edward Hopper Man welcomes stragglers to his archives

SOMEWHERE --  A group of people people actually care about (not you) congregated recently to see the Edward Hopper Man open his archives.      The Archives had previously been a dead-end page, telling passers-by that they were illiterate for not having read that the EHM had no intentions of archiving his emails.  More observant, and some may say, bored tourists were also able to find a hidden Oklahoma joke on the page.      However, in his press-conference at that one place I mentioned earlier, the EHM spoke on his decision to set up legitimate archives anyway.     "I'm not putting up entire letters," said the man in the funny hat.  "Most of my humor is quite topical, and the moment has passed.  Also, some bits were flat out satire, raillery against people who had cheesed me off, but it was all done in jest and these people remain good friends of mine.  I would not want them coming to the site and getting offended."      Immediately after the conference, Ol' Lankylegs opened up the floor for questions.  Chief among them were "Who are you," and "Why am I missing Matlock for this?"      It was then that the Walking Coatrack ran off, pursued by an overweight security guard, a bald, German psychiatrist, and a rather attractive blonde nurse.

Enthralled crowds at the recent Edward Hopper Man press conference

Rare collection of EHM letters discovered Nobody found to actually care (season rating, 1 out of 5)

SUMMER, 2001 -- Edward H. Mann, known mysteriously as The Edward Hopper Man, also known as "Hey you, up in the tree," announced today that he has discovered some of his old correspondence.      "Yeah, it turns out I was sitting on it the entire time," Mann commented from his high-rise condominium constructed entirely out of aluminum cans.      The letters in question date back to Mann's time working in a factory, which was the inspiration for the hit romantic comedy, Inferno, starring Dante Aligheri and Sandra Bullock.  In the letters, Mann         --turn to IF YOU CARE, page 9

The Edward Hopper Man works in a factory.  (Click on the picture, you dingus)

Sources say Coleman still a dingus

HYPOTHETICAL, IL --  Although nobody is entirely certain who she is, Jessica Coleman is apparently still a dingus.      The announcement of dingine nature first appeared in the underground newsletter, The Signal Lampoon (all the satire that's fit to print), but, even though nothing has been said about it for a few years, continues to be true.      For further information, go to www.fallguymedia.com, where their boredom brings your entertainment.

EHM forces more crap down readers' throats Promises less crap for future (season rating, 2.5 out of 5)

SPRING 2002 -- A man in a stupid hat suffered from a bit from journalistic egocentrism.  While authorities are convinced that it is not contagious, side effects have been known to affect other people.  Most common were weekly emails which weren't even interesting, and ended with oversized .jpeg scans of Hatboy's waste of space.  Some experts                   --turn to CRAP, page 33.3

In retaliation for the semi-spam, cheesed off subscribers beat up a typewriter.  (Click it)

Life as an Underpaid Chorus Member Ol' Lankylegs's first summer in WV (season rating, 3.98 out of 5)

SUMMER, 2002 -- Just to see if anybody was still reading the internet, the Walking Hatrack put up, on his site, a collection of letters from his first summer in WV.      Readers were relieved to find that he had actually started numbering the seasons now, as opposed to a bunch of crappy "Proto-"s and "Zero"s, as had been going on up till now.  Honestly!  But here, we finally have a number you can sink your teeth into.  Well, know, you can't.  You see, the numbers are actually signifiers for the abstract ideas of the quantities they represent, in order to sink               --turn to LANKYLEGS, p. 4 + (2i)

You want it?  You got it:  A page about Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat that has nothing to do with Donny Osmond. (.ti kcilC)

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