(Jon, my nonexistent nine year-old nephew, played Adam Cadre's I-0. This was Jon's first encounter with text adventures, and he seemed astounded by the concept of a game without graphics. At first, Jon wasn't sure how to interact with the game; but by the time he finished playing, he still was clueless. Afterward, Jon described the game as "pretty cool, I guess, kinda, it shoulda had pictures.")

You're Tracy Valencia, first-year student at the reasonably prestigious University of Dorado. Sure, it's not Berkeley -- hell, it isn't even Stanford -- but it's light-years better than Dorado State, where your older brother Trevor goes. Dorado State's just a party school. Trevor makes a point of rubbing this in every time he calls.

He'll be able to rub it in in person soon enough: it's Thanksgiving Day, and you're driving home. Daddy was perfectly willing to buy you a plane ticket, but like you told him on the phone, there are much better things to spend the money on. Birthday presents, for instance -- you turn eighteen tomorrow. Besides, it's only a four-hour drive.

Two and a half hours into said drive, the car starts making a noise no piece of machinery should ever make. It's the sort of sound a rhesus monkey might make being forced down a garbage disposal. Now, Dorado is nothing but scorching desert from the time you cross the coastal mountains until you reach the river; true, it's the scorching desert in which you grew up, but sentimentality aside, it's not exactly the best place in the world to find yourself stranded. But you've got to do something about this noise, if only because it's drowning out the stereo. So you pull over. You're just about to switch off the ignition when the car goes dead of its own accord. You try to start it up again, but absolutely nothing happens.

Guess what, Tracy? You're stuck on the loneliest stretch of Interstate Zero miles away from the last sign of civilization. It's twenty minutes to noon and the temperature's well over a hundred and twenty. You already miss the air conditioning. It's beginning to look like Ed and Sandy Valencia's only daughter might not make it for Thanksgiving dinner...

I-0
the "jailbait on the interstate" game by Adam Cadre
based on several true stories and a couple of untrue ones
Release 4 (v1.21) / Serial number 970307 / Inform v6.05 Library 6/2[MORE]
Standard interpreter 1.0

In your car
You're sitting in your lifeless car on a desolate roadside, a good half-hour drive away from the last gas station you passed. It's at least a hundred and twenty degrees outside -- not uncommon in the Doradan desert, even in November -- and the heat is quickly becoming unbearable. The key is in the ignition, if you care.

You can see your purse (which is closed) here.

>go poo poo
You can't see any such thing.

>poo in pures
That's not a verb I recognize.

>dookie in purse
That's not a verb I recognize.

>kiss
You can only do that to something animate.

>whats animate
That's not a verb I recognize.

>kiss poo poo
You can't see any such thing.

>kiss nose
You can only do that to something animate.

>kiss foot
You can only do that to something animate.

>kick butt
That's not a verb I recognize.

>sucks
That's not a verb I recognize.

>get my purse
Taken.

>whre am i
That's not a verb I recognize.

>where am i
That's not a verb I recognize.

>look in purse
You can't see inside, since it is closed.

>poop in purse
That's not a verb I recognize.

>open my pusre
You can't see any such thing.

>open my purse
You open the purse, revealing your pepper spray, a stick of lip balm and your wallet.

>eat pepper spray
(first taking the pepper spray)
That's plainly inedible.

>play
That's not a verb I recognize.

>i like sally
I only understood you as far as wanting to inventory.

>huh
That's not a verb I recognize.

>get naked
You're now naked in a parked car, a not uncommon situation for you.

>cool
Good for you! Keep up that positive attitude.

>i am cool
I only understood you as far as wanting to inventory.

>pikachu
That's not a verb I recognize.

>naetd
That's not a verb I recognize.

>kill
What do you want to kill?

>kenny
You can't see any such thing.

>eat cheezepoof
You can't see any such thing.


>cool
Good for you! Keep up that positive attitude.

>spray pepper spray
You're just about to mace yourself when it occurs to you: Hey, wait, that'd be kinda stupid.

>youre stupid
That's not a verb I recognize.

>cartman
That's not a verb I recognize.

>kill butt
Violence isn't the answer to this one.

>bored
That's not a verb I recognize.

>get purse
You already have that.

>look in purse
In the purse are a stick of lip balm and your wallet.

>put wallet in my mouth
You taste nothing unexpected.

You're beginning to feel lightheaded. The heat's taking a lot out of you.

>kill heat
You can't see any such thing.

>food
That's not a verb I recognize.

>eat wallet
(first taking the wallet)
You're carrying too many things already.

>open ealle
You can't see any such thing.

>put away purse
You can't see any such thing.

>huh im carying it
That's not a verb I recognize.

>play sega
That's not a verb I recognize.

>bufy is cute
That's not a verb I recognize.

>kill wallet
Violence isn't the answer to this one.

>boger
That's not a verb I recognize.

>booger
That's not a verb I recognize.

>take a nap
You can't see any such thing.

>sleep
You aren't feeling especially drowsy.

>um i quit
That's not a verb I recognize.

>crap
If you're going to swear, use a f**king swear word.

(At this point Jon, the player, went hysterical. Eventually, he had to go to the bathroom, and get a drink of water, etc, etc. A long discussion on appropriate and inappropriate use of the word "F**k" followed, and then my nonexistent sister came to pick him up.)

(I don't really have a nephew, but, if I did, do you really think I'd let him play I-O?)