What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
(Get in the boat!)
CRIME PREVENTION JOKE:
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!
Why do lions always eat raw meat?
(Because they don't know how to cook.)
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
(It gets wet.)
MOVIE THEATER NAVIGATION JOKE:
"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"
"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.
MATHEMATICS EDUCATION JOKE:
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then
divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
EMPLOYMENT TERMINATION JOKE:
Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired? He stayed awake on the job.
EMPLOYEE SATISFACTION JOKE:
All the employees at the rubber band factory agreed that their job was a snap!
TELEPHONE CONVERSATION JOKE:
"Is that you, Larry?"
"Yes, this is Larry."
"Are you sure this is Larry."
"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"
"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"
"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
What is an Eskimo cow called ?
WORD STUDY JOKE:
What is a forum ?
(A two-um plus a two-um)
What letters did the man recite to his car when he ran out of gas ?
( O-I-C-U-R-M-T )
FRAGRANCE MARKETING JOKE:
What do you call a very popular perfume ?
(A best smeller.)
When two angels meet, what do they say to each other ?
(Halo ! )
ESKIMO PREFERENCES JOKE:
What was the Eskimo's favorite song?
("Freeze (for he's) a Jolly Good Fellow")
AMERICAN HISTORY JOKE:
What was the Pilgrims' favorite dance?
(The Plymouth Rock.)
SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT JOKE:
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it?
(Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
Where did King Arthur take his girl friend on a date?
(To a nightclub [knight club])
How do you make a lemon drop ?
(Hold it and let it go.)
WRITING INSTRUMENTS JOKE:
What does a pig use to write with?
What did Napoleon become after his twenty-ninth year?
(Thirty years old.)
EXCESSIVE SKEPTICISM JOKE:
A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !"
"Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
Larry: How much is 5Q +5Q ?
Larry: You're welcome !
RETAIL APPAREL JOKE:
A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.
"That's more like it!", the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.
"No problem," says the tailor, "Just hunch up your right shoulder."
So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.
"No problem," says the tailor, "Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird's wing."
So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.
"Well, just keep that leg stiff," says the tailor, "and no one will notice."
"I'll take it!", the guy says.
So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird's wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.
As he's walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, "I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!"
"Me neither," the other doctor says. "But he sure has a nice suit!"
ANIMAL BEHAVIOR JOKE:
A lion spots a monkey walking through the jungle. He grabs him by the neck and roars "Who's the king of the jungle?".
The frighten monkey says, "You are, of course, your majesty."
The lion does this to several other animals, with the same results. Then the lion goes up to an elephant, grabs him by the trunk and roars, "Who's the king of the jungle?"
The elephant picks the lion up with his trunk, bounces him a few times on the ground, grabs his tail, twirls the lion around over his head, and then lets him go flying into a mud puddle.
The lion looks up at the elephant and says, "Well, if you don't know the answer, just say so !"
ZOOLOGICAL RESEARCH JOKE:
(Another "lion" joke! )
A couple of zoologists decided to give a lion a cell phone in order to keep track of his whereabouts. Unfortunately, whenever they tried to call, the lion was busy!
HIGHER EDUCATION JOKE:
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says, "Meow ! "
AIRLINE EFFICIENCY JOKE:
A woman calls the airline office in Chicago and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Seattle?"
The clerk says to her, "Just a second."
"Thank you." the lady says, and hangs up.
FINANCIAL SWINDLE JOKE:
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn't believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
"Hope you enjoyed your beer," he said to the gorilla, "We don't get too many gorillas coming in here."
"At nineteen dollars a beer," said the gorilla, "it's no wonder."
WORD STUDY JOKE:
Pharmacist- someone who helps out on a farm.
Paradox- two doctors
Noodle Soup- the best food for your brain
(Hey, I didn't say they would be good jokes!! )
Thanks for visiting.
And remember, always recycle your old bowling
balls... give them to elephants to play marbles!
And be nice to your garbage man... he is down in the dumps a lot.