"The Way I See it. (Or
Saw it.)"
by Brian Alleva, 13
April 1999
OK, so we are a few days since Hard-core House
Party 3. What can I say, it has been a rough time for the now
“former” Commissioner. Lots has happened, so why don’t I just get to it?
First of all, who’s lame brain idea was it to have
Tony Tomaselli become the new commissioner? I felt like I was doing a good job. Things
were going very smoothly. I seriously think it’s because I wouldn’t "bend
over" for Chairman
Hartmann. I liked doing things my way, and if my way and Hartmann’s way were
different, then I came out on the short
end of the stick. Well fuck it. If Tony wants to be Hartmann’s corporate lackey then
fine. I don’t want the job if that’s what it
entails. But if that wasn’t bad enough, he was pompous enough to make me the referee!
A freaking referee!? And then, EEW’s
“finest” get all up in my face. “You have no more power, what are you gonna
do?” Well i’ll tell you what I am going to do. First of all, making me ref was a
disgrace. I get pushed around, DDT’ed.....disrespected. Well, you have all gone and
pissed me off big time. And I will have a little Surprise for you all, come Memorial Day
Massacre. YOU WILL ALL FEEL THE POWER......OF THE
WAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIOOOOOOORRRRR!
Nah, he wont be there, he’s too busy BEING GAY. But I will have a
Surprise. See, I was looking at my contract, and it says that if I was removed as commish,
I have the choice to do whatever I want in EEW. So I was looking at the forum, and I
noticed an open spot against the Pledgemasta in the opening brackets for the world title
tournament. No, i’m not wrestling you morons...I’m to spiffy and waaaaaay to
good to compete in EEW. I have an old friend who has expressed an interest in
wrestling in the tournament. So that’s right. Mr. Spiffy will bring in a mystery
competitor to compete. Yall be warned.
Now enough about that, I want to get on to the event
that took place yesterday at the ECW Arena. I say we
look at the matches one by one.
Our first match put the Disciplinarian up
against Tsunami. Both big guys who put on a somewhat decent match,
considering that they are relatively new. What I want to know is, where was The
Disciplinarian’s butt buddy, Sado? Instead,
he was brought out to the ring by some freaky kid and a GIRL surprisingly. A GIRL???? So
they aren’t GAY???? Maybe they
are “Bi-Sexual”. Maybe she isn’t a girl. Ahh fuck it. Who cares. The Dis
won with a mean looking Boston Crab. YAY. Anyway....
Next we were treated to a (yawwn....) thrilling
match between the wetback and the Greek Freak. Specifically,
The Taco Munchin’, Hubcap Stealin’, foul smellin’ Rico Suave of Espanos
Locos (who was accompanied by his partner,
Hey-Zooos and Daisy Death. Funny, with that name, she doesn’t look too threatening in
person. Whatever.) His
opponent was none other than my favorite retard, Dante the Inferno, one half of the world
tag team champions (That’s right
folks, the kid has a title.) To my Surprise (and I am sure the Wetback’s Surprise
also) Dante pulled off some offense!! IT IS
TRUE, THE RETARD CAN DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! But it didnt last long. Figures. Rico had his way
with the kid, but THE ASSHOLE KEPT RELENTLESSLY BEATING HIM!! WHAT KIND OF A STUPID SPIC
IS HE??? HIM, AND HIS STUPID SPIC PARTNER BEAT THE RETARD UNMERCIFULLY!!!! DEATH TO THOSE
WETBACKS!!
BOMB THEM ALL!! HUDDLE THEM IN AN ABANDONED BUILDING AND BLOW IT THE FUCK UP!!!! YEAH!!
MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!
..........
Sorry. Thats the last time I let Stevie G touch my computer......
Anyway, Pledgemasta, Dante’s tag team partner, ran in. No one ever
thought that the Pledgemasta would ever show
compassion for the kid, after being forced to be his partner.....He came in, and hauled
the STUPID LOUSY WETBACKS off the poor retard. The Pledgemasta talked some shit, and got
the STUPID LOUSY WETBACKS to back off. YEAH PLEDGE!!!! SHOW THEM ASSHOLES WHAT’S
UP!!!! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, TELL THEM I WANT MY GOD DAMN HUBCAPS BACK!!! AND THEN
FEED THEIR GRUBBY ASSES BIG BEEF MEXIMELTS TILL THEY FUCKIN EXPLODE!!!!!
Next Match......
OK, so the Pledgemasta cleared the ring, and who shows up but that
Sissy Burger Boy Devine, looking cute as hell in that
Dress of his. To make a long story short, he challenged the Pledgemasta to a match.
...
WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING IDIOT IS HE????? He weighs 25
and a half pounds soaking wet, and he is challenging the Pledgemasta??? I cant believe the
stupidity of the whole situation. Only Madman Lazarus can make a situation stupider
than this. Oh yeah, after a Chokeslam and the Haze, Pledge made short work of the Burger
Boy. Yup.....outstanding......
So what was next? Well i will tell you.......Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadmaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Lazarus against Ares, in a qualifying match for the World Title Tournament. What I want to know is, why is Madman getting another chance for the World Title?? He already made a fool of himself when he went up against the Pledgemasta. Madman Lazarus has to be the worst thing to ever happen to EEW. No skill. No charisma. Just a huge tolerance for pain. So what? I hear Jimmy-Cakes compared him to Mick Foley. Hey douchebag, at least Mick can pull off a wrestling move. All Madman can do is fall off vans. And is it me, or did Madman seem to not get hurt by any of Ares’ shots? Must be a tougher guy than I thought. AhemYEAHRIGHTahem. I am not even going to bother talking about this crap. Madman won. Unfortunately. Anyway.
Now, Ice Tre came out, and Tony told him that he had to
defend his BBB Belt (If I was Commish, I wouldnt even have to say anything....Ice Tre
would know he had to defend. Bah. Fuck it.) Tony also gave Ice Tre HIS CHOICE OF AN
OPPONENT!!! Man, I am so disgusted. So Ice Tre picked that fat bastid Lethal Leroy, who
looks like a fatter Lucifer with shorter hair. No wonder they are such butt buddies. Well,
after a desvestating heart punch (sarcasm) Ice tre beats Leroy in 5 seconds.
This is getting boring. Fuck it. Tony brings
out a real challenger, in EL GUAPO!!!!! THE ONLY SPIC MR.SPIFFY LIKES! GUAPO! GUAPO!!!
GUAPO!! This match kicked so much ass (except for the part when I got DDT’ed). Guapo
was a bloody mess, Ice Tre got hog tied by someone other than LeRoy.......WOW. Let me be
modest for a moment. Somewhat serious. All I can say is these two represented what EEW is
all about......fun, excitement, hardcore....oh, and the occasional wrestling move:). And I
was in the ring watching it. Killer moves by both, great showmanship, the occasional
laughter from the sometimes funny El Guapo. All ending with a bloodied Guapo beating Ice
Tre after a fuck up by LeRoy. Dumb Bastid.
A little side note here. This is wrestling, is it not?
Where the hell is the tits and ass??? The female valets that,
much like in the WWF, come out and “hype” the prodominantly male crowd? Yeah,
there’s Daisy Death. But those stoopid
wetbacks never let her do her thing. Always stealing the spotlight while they shove their
Taco Bell in their mouths. Why
the hell does she hang around with them, they fucking smell like SHIT! They don’t
shower, they eat nothing but Taco
Bell.....ah, fuck it. We should get more women in EEW. Get to work Andrew.
Aha. The Main Event. Lethal Leroy v. Stretch Nutstrong
in a qualifying Match for the World Title Tournament. but alas, look who shows up. That
genetic freak Vinny Smooth. For christ’s sake, this is why abortion should be
accepted in our society!!!! This guy should have been put out of his misery years ago.
With guys like Vinny, Madman Lazarus actually has hope to get pussy at some point in his
life. So Vinny wanted in. 3 Way Dance. Why not? Let me speak for a moment about
Stretch Nutstrong. Yo, dis boy has flava. Zim zimma Stretch. He omes from out of nowhere
and beats Hellraiser Lethal Leroy and the new Bareknux Belt holder El Guapo to capture the
TV Title and as of yet still holds on to it. But Stretch deserves more. What about him?
You know, his mother never loved him as a child!! What about him? WHAT ABOUT STRETCH??
So the match gets started, and we gots a lots
o’ brawlin. After a few minutes, Fatman Fatt Lazarus, out of no where, comes in and
brawls with the man who dethroned him as leader of the m.W. o., Stretch. They brawl all
over, eventually leaving the ringside area, out of the arena. Hell, they are problably
still fighting. Which left Vinny and Roy. After a wicked blow that took out Roy’s
knee, Vinny made short work of him, and got the 1-2-3. Which officially ended the day. A
very long day if you ask me.
So where does this leave us? Looking forward to
Memorial Day Massacre Weekend. I know i am. Well, I am getting real bored with this. To
think, I am sacrificing my time for all you jabronies. Come back next time, where I will
feature a spotlight on EEW’s “finest”......da Hellraisers. Till then......
This is Mr. Spiffy