"The Children Are Our Future..."
by Jimmy-Cakes, 11 April 1999

    Forget Asmodeus, Lucifer and Pledgemaster, those bastards are over the hill. Extremely Extreme Wrestling has some new blood, and these kids are gonna keep the fed alive and intense for years to come.  I'm not saying Dante the Inferno is gonna win the World Title Tournement at Memorial Day Massacre or anything crazy like that, I am just saying that there are quite a few up and coming talents in this fed here that you're gonna have to keep you eyes on, know what I mean?  I realized this quite some time ago, but it didn't hit me full force until I heard about Ice Tre (by the way, Happy Birthday, kiddo...) take it to the extreme with El Guapo this afternoon at Hardcore House Party III.

    Think about it, even Ice Tre, who has been wrestling for the fed for like two years or some such shit, is still only seventeen years young.  Think about it, this kid barely got blonde hairs on his little nutsack, and he's already in that ring making a name for himself.  He's getting tossed through tables left and right, jumping off vans, and sometimes he actually wrestles too!  (can you imagine?   Someone wrestling in Extremely Extreme Wrestling?!)  This kid has already held the Television and Bareknux Titles, seems there is only once place to go, and that is up.  If Tre wants to take Jimmy-Cakes' advice, he should lose that loser Lucifer, and get himself a shot at the World Title.  He can take it, if he wants it, I am sure.  He is the best of this young crop of kids wrestling here, and I think the torch is about to be passed.  (Who knows, when you leave, maybe you should take the Ghetto Warriors with you, huh, Mr. Ghetto Superstar?)  Ice Tre has that natural charisma that the crowd goes nuts for, and the skills and balls to back that shit up.   That stuff only comes every once in a while (coughtherockcough) and Ice Tre is gonna use that shit.  In a year or two, he will be Extremely Extreme Wrestling.

    Next is "Madman" Matt Lazarus.  Okay, I know what you are saying, he may be young, but he is still really fat, and, well, really really fat.   But listen to Jimmy-Cakes, baby, this kid is the Mick Foley of Extremely Extreme Wrestling.  Sure he doesn't have an ounce of wrestling skill, or two good ankles, or a great deal of charisma, but this kid has a fucking pair of balls that smack on the floor when he walks.  (Cause he is too chubby to run...)  Give this kid a shopping cart on garbage night, and he has all he needs to make a run for that Bareknux Title that Guapo just got his hands on.  Put him thru a table, (or two), smack him with a chair (or sheetrock,) toss his ass off the van, (and step on his face with these big black boots with spikes on them that pierce his skin and make him bleed this blood and stuff that runs all over the ground all red and shit, and it's so cool, cause teh bugs drink the blood...) Oah, sorry.  Where was I?  Oah, just beat the kid up, and he comes back for more, not to mention the fact that he ain't afraid of putting his body in jeapordy. (And there is a LOT to put in jeopardy.)  Mankind won the title in the WWF, and you can expect Matt to have the same impact here.

    Who else does Jimmy-Cakes got?  How about the "Lethal" one?  LeRoy is one of the sexiest young wrestler in a while.   Ok, so he made a dumb move hooking up with Lucifer (though that does provide some interesting LeRoy/Ice Tre tag-team possabilities...) so what?  He is just looking to make a name for himself.  Did you ever see that match when LeRoy took on Rico-Suave?   Well, Jimmy-Cakes didn't either, but I am told that LeRoy did quite a bit of real wrestling.  Like with moves and holds, and arm-bars and stuff.  Can you believe it?  This kid got some power too, and he is even agile for a fat kid.  I'm looking for this one to make it big too, I expect to see him and Madman fighting over that Bareknux strap in a few months.  (And those are some matches Jimmy-Cakes won't miss.)   This kid is like eighteen, and wrestling with the big-uns, and that is some accomplishment.  I like him, a lot.  As a matter of fact, Jimmy-Cakes would like to manage LeRoy, but that is a different story, cause I am hideously disfigured, and it wouldn't help.  Huh?

    Whatever.  I know what you are all saying.  Children?   Young?  Tre's been around for like a year and a half, and Madman and LeRoy have been competing for like eight months.  Okay, so they have some experience, so they aren't exactly greenhorns.  But, Jimmy-Cakes sees some potential in the other kids too.

    First and foremost, El fucking Guapo.  Jimmy-Cakes loves El Guapo.  Okay, so he is like twenty, but still, he is so new to the sport of wrestling, and he is in-fucking-sane!  I love this guy.  So he is a wet-back, and wet-backs killed my dad, so what?  It was Vietnam, it was supposed to happen.   Anyways, El Guapo is already the Bareknux Champ, after like four months in the fed?   Need I say more?  This kid can work the crowd, and his opponent.  Not to mention taking a beating like no one else.  (Did you see his fucking face?  He was busted the fuck open!)  I like this kid, and he hasn't climaxed yet, he will move past the Bareknux Title, someday.. Until then, expect some dope matches against these other guys, in defense of that strap.

    Ok, this is getting long, so I gotta start making it short.   Stretch World Order, you say?  Stretch has some charisma, and a really hot girlfriend, from what I understand.  He got some skills too.  He has held that Television title for some time, and defended it well.  I expect him to move up in the ranks soon, with the help of his boyz:  the Groovy Guru (Luchadore supreme,) Ares (the enforcer of the group,) and Krazy Kirby (kthe krazy kone.)  Oah, and once these kids get some good gimmicks of their own, I expect them to start getting some ass, (I mean wins) too.

    Who we got left?  Tsunami?  He is an unbelieveable talent.   Power, finesse, a mask.  What more can you ask for?  The KY Connection?   Sure, they might be homosexuals and all, but that Disciplinarian kid is sure one big motherfucker.  (Who has a lot of ass-crack..)  Devine the Sissy-Burger-Dress-Boy-Person?  Ok, he is a sissy and doesn't win at all, but he sure is fun to watch, and that is more important than wrestling sometimes, when it comes to putting mofo's in the seats.  Dante the Inferno?  Same for that little retard, and I can see him getting a forum of his own someday.  All his own, to share with his beloved helmet.

    Wow, motherfuckers!  Jimmy-Cakes just rambled on for a good long old time, didn't he?  Did you get my point at least?  Extremely Extreme Wrestling is in good hands.  Sure Asmodeus, Lucifer, Pledgemaster, Espanos Locos and Tony Tomaselli are putting asses in the seats, and winning the straps now, but beware... the fed has a whole new crop of kids that are just waiting for their chance to take the federation to the next fucking level... I for one, can't wait...

Hey, Baby, ... This is Jimmy-Cakes, signing-off.