"Hardcore House Party III, and My Lunch"
by Fat Tony, 10 April 1999

    Hey Fat Tony here, I just got back from EEW’s latest house show, Hardcore House Party 3, and boy was that a sick show. Lots of hardcore, extreme matches, one we might say could be the most extreme match in EEW history. I was glad I wasn't late getting to the event, after coming back from Taco Bell (Where I did see Espanos Locos, by the way...) because if I was late I would have missed sick-ass matches.

    Before the event, Tony "the Tiger" Tomaselli came out with some paper-work or something from the Chairman of the Commitee, or some such thing, Andrew Hartmann.  These papers, to everyone's amazement described how Commissioner Alleva was fired, because of some conflicts, and his inability to maintain control.  (Huh?  He was cute in the suit, at least.) They also said Tony would be the new Commish.  He promptly hired a confused, and mad Alleva back as a lowly ref.  Tomaselli also said he was gonna be a new "fair" sherriff, and was gonna take control back.  He also said since he is unable to compete, the World Heavyweight Title is gonna be put up in a tournement at Memorial Day Massacre this year!

    Now to some damn matches!  (Right after I get some snacks from the fridge...)

    Okay, I am back!  First match was between the Disiplinarian and Tsunami. Evan though these two have not been considered very technical wrestlers, they worked hard to prove everyone wrong. The Dis picked up Tsunami for a nice splash to the ground, and Tsunami also did the same. (It's amazing these Fat Ass’ got the other one in the air!  Oah,  wait, I'm fat too.. Dohhh.) After a sea-saw battle, the Dis ended the match by making Tsunami tap out to a harsh Boston Crab.

    Next match was between "Mr.Taco Bell" himself, Rico Suave and Dante the  Inferno. Dante, suprisingly, showed very good offense towards Rico, exciting up the crowd. But Rico dominated most of the match, considering the fact Jesus jumped in the match helping  Rico, all the while having his daily tacos. (mmmm, tacos) Rico indeed then won the match, and he and Jesus started beating the “stuffing”(mmmm, stuffing) out of Dante. Pledgemaster seeing this, felt bad for his retarted partner, and came in to protect the helmeted heart-throb.   This wasn't exactly alright with Espanos Locos, who stared the Pledgemaster down.

    The next match was between Pledgemaster and the Sissy-boy himself, Devine. (In a nice pink number...) This match actually started during the Rico/Dante Match. While the Pledgemaster was helping Dante, Devine came out and started talking trash to him. He started saying that the Pledgemaster was more of a sissy than Devine himself. The Pledgemaster then asked the crowd if they'd like to see him beat the “stuffing” (again, stuffing...) out of the Sissy-boy. The crowd went wild. Pledgemaster then took care of Devine, ... like you were gonna expect a different result....

    Then the next match was between Madman Fat....ooah, I mean Madman Matt Lazarus and his former ally, Ares. Your probably thinking, "with these two losers how is this gonna be a  good match?" (I know I was...) However, it was actually a very grueling match. Matt got his hands on anything he could, and just beat the hell out of Ares. Ares taking all of this with some show of stamina got in a few decent shots on Matt. As you probably, Matt won the match.  (Which, by the way, saw a table shattered by two fat asses...)

    The next match was Between the lethalist one in the world, ”Lethal" LeRoy and his teammate Ice Tre. The match was pretty much just them messing around and joking. Then Leroy laid down for Ice Tre, who used the "Heart Punch" to pin him. When Commissioner Tomaselli saw this poor displau, he came out, and told Ice Tre he would have to wrestle in a "real" amtch, and that he had an opponent for him. He thought he would punish Ice Tre and set up a match for him to fight none other than teh Killah Squad's own El Guapo. This match in my mind was by  far the most extreme match in EEW history. El Guapo ties Ice Tre up like a little turkey (Ummm.. turkey) and even threw him through a table!  (It's extreme!)  Weapons were used galour, with a lot of moves thrown in too.  El Guapo also got a case of whiplash and got a  mean cut to his face, messing up his nose, and lip, and spilling blood everywhere!. (Yeah, were extreme!) Finally, Guapo won, with a stunning upset, when LeRoy's chairshot fo Guapo missed it's mark, and connected with Tre.  Guapo is the new Bareknuckle Champ, and he deserves it!  All in all it was a very impresive match, and the crowd in my eyes loved it.

    After that was the main event which was a 3-way Dance between, Lethal Leroy, Stretch Nutstrong and Vinnie Smooth. This match was not for Strech’s television title belt, but to advance in the tournement in May. In the beginning Stretch got knocked out of the ring by Madman Lazarus, and they brawled to the back of the arena. For the rest of the match it was Leroy and Vinnie battling it out. Ice Tre also made his apperance, interfering in the match and slamming Vinnie Smooth threw a door, slamming his head, (Man that most of hurt). While Stretch was still bashing around with Matt, Vinnie won the match.

    It was a crazy event and considring there was a few problems in people getting there it all worked out, and it was a great event, as usual. Well this has been Fat Tony filling you in on what happens around the ring..

Until next time,Peace Out
~~Fat Tony~~