Strength Of The Soul
Part One
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Disclaimer: *I* don’t even claim it.
Summary: Mac hits some hurdles tracking down Webb; Takes place immediately after the last installment of “Number 5”
Author’s Note: This is actually the one that comes BEFORE “Getting To Know You.” It needed lots of work and extra nighttime runs to stand on its own. As I said last time, I’m sorry for working backwards.
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MAY 28, 2003
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
WASHINGTON, DC
Mac maintained her silence from the back of the black Escalade. The long flight and struggle to find their luggage had not even come close to taking the edge off of the anger and betrayal she was experiencing. Meredith had tried her best to ease the tense situation, but the Admiral had been providing Mac with a wary distance ever since they’d left the hospital in Uruguay.
When the large SUV pulled up in front of her apartment, Mac started to get out. One slashing look from the rear-view mirror caused her to slam the door and sit back until the Admiral had parked next to the curb and cut off the engine.
Fuming, Mac crossed her arms and waited for her commanding officer to open the door for her. She heard him tersely ask Meredith to wait in the car while he got Mac’s luggage for her. Standing on the sidewalk, watching Admiral Chegwidden lift out her small flight bag, Mac realized that she no longer had a set of keys for her own home. Bitter bile rose up in her throat, but she straightened her spine and led the way to the building.
The betrayal she felt towards the Admiral deepened as she observed him knock on her landlord’s door and request the passkey. Looking straight ahead as though she could care less, Mac stepped inside her empty apartment and prayed for him to leave. Instead, he dropped her bag to the floor and closed the door. Leaning back against it, he crossed his arms and waited.
“I can take it from here, sir?” she assured him.
“I’m sure you can, Colonel.” was his knowing response.
“Well, I wouldn’t want to keep you, sir.” Impatience was edging into Mac’s voice.
“You dismissing me, Colonel?” AJ asked, narrowing his eyes.
“No, sir. I wouldn’t presume to dismiss the Admiral, sir,” was Mac’s stony response.
“Something you want to say to me, Colonel?” The Admiral’s black eyes were flashing a warning.
“Yes, sir. Thank you for the ride, sir. Please convey my appreciation to Meredith as well, sir.” Mac stared straight ahead, shoulders stiff, voice low and level.
“Oh, I will, Colonel. Hell, I’ll even throw in permission to speak freely.” The Admiral’s smile never reached his eyes.
“For what purpose, sir?” she asked, determined not to break her façade of control.
“Well, Colonel, two reasons. First, some bug’s up your six and it’s obvious that, given half a chance, you’d like to knock the shit out of me. Secondly, if you don’t stop projecting that good little soldier stance, I might just beat you to the shit-kicking.” AJ allowed his irritation to show as he stood away from the door and fisted his hands.
Sarah felt her own fists clench as she balanced on the balls of her feet and looked into AJ’s rigid face. Without a doubt, she absolutely, positively wanted to beat the shit out of somebody. AJ saw it in every line of her body and confirmed it by looking into her eyes. The fury there was palpable.
“Well, Marine?” he goaded, trying to break her brittle restraint. “What’s this all about? Put out because Rabb left without you again?”
AJ had a good idea he’d gone too far when her foot connected with his ribs. Blocking the other leg, he struggled to take her down before she did any more damage. His goal was to give her an outlet, not get killed in the process. And he damn sure didn’t want to have to physically hurt her.
Enraged, she struggled to escape his binding arms, refuting his insult, “I don’t give a rat’s ass where Harm’s gone! But you! You lied to me, deceived me! Then helped them steal Clay away while my back was turned!”
Breaking his tenuous hold, she rounded on the Admiral, sparks flying from her dark eyes, the betrayal too deep to hold back: “How could you? How could you, you lying, sneaking, son of ---unhh!” Before the last word was spit out, she recklessly charged towards AJ, more fury than skill behind her attack.
AJ caught her arms and twisted her around until she was nearly immobile. “Stand down, Mac! Stand down, damnit!” He felt an elbow gouge his already aching ribs, but just tightened his hold, afraid Mac would hurt herself before he could contain her. A few more insults stung the air before she gave up and just hung limply from his arms. Not certain that this wasn’t a trick on her part, he dragged her to the couch and dumped her, waiting for her to spring up and attack him again. But she just lay there gulping in air, staring at the ceiling.
Getting his own breathing under control, AJ kept an eye on Mac while he adjusted his shirt and pressed on his side. Walking to the end of the couch, he invaded Mac’s line of vision. “Had enough?”
She gave a grudging nod and sat up, still vibrating with anger. Figuring that this was as calm as she was going to get, AJ began to make his case.
“Look Mac, you’re right,” he conceded. Seeing that he now had her undivided attention, AJ held up both hands and elaborated, “I lied to you about the medical tests, but I had no idea they were moving Webb out that night. Hell, I was just trying to keep you away from Webb until I could ship you back to JAG.”
At her condemning grunt, AJ leaned down and grabbed her face. He forced her to raise her glittering eyes to his compassionate ones and said, “It was at Webb’s request, Mac. You were tearing him up, darlin’.” AJ added the last with infinite regret.
“No. You’re lying,” Mac choked out.
Dropping his hands to his sides, AJ sank to the coffee table, unsure how much to tell her of his last conversation with Webb. “He begged me to send you home. I swear it, Mac. I promised him I’d personally escort you. It gave him a great measure of relief to know that you’d be back among your friends and all the things that you love,” AJ explained.
Mac watched the conflicting emotions chase over his features. She saw the truth of his words, but didn’t want to accept it. “Why would he do that, Admiral? He told me he needed me,” she confessed.
“I know darlin,’ but you don’t need him in the same way and he knew it.” AJ looked down at the couch, recalling the pained acceptance on Webb’s face when he’d refused to put Mac in the position of choosing friendship over love.
“No, damnit! He---we---he knows I…,” Mac trailed off, replaying their last conversation before Gunny took him away. AJ watched her struggle to understand what had happened.
Recalling the kiss that had promised so much, she hugged her middle and squeezed her eyes shut. “He’s got to know. He has to know that I’m in love with him,” she whispered to herself, but the Admiral heard her. Grasping her shoulders, he jerked her up, “What!”
Pulling away from his punishing fingers, Mac stood up and walked to the window. Turning slightly, Mac quietly stated, “I love him, Admiral. I am in love with Clayton Webb.”
Surprised at his own sudden anger, AJ just stared at Mac as her features softened and a private smile curved her lips. “You’ve been through a traumatic experience together Mac. Hell, we thought you were dead. It’s understandable if you feel a bit---.”
“No, Admiral,” Mac immediately interrupted him. “It’s not gratitude or forced circumstances, although that’s a part of it. It’s---god, I don’t know if I can explain it.”
“Try, Mac.” AJ needed to know where she was coming from before he could sort it all out. Webb had been so certain that Mac was in love with Rabb. Hell, the man had given up without a fight, been downright noble, so that the field was wide open for Mac and Harm.
Flipping back the curtains, Mac took a deep breath and surveyed the street outside. “It’s like a craving, like an unfulfilled need,” Mac blushed, but struggled on. “Friendship, respect, admiration, love, affection---they’re all there. But, for once, there’s this mutual need we both feel.” Mac shook her head hopelessly, unable to articulate the feelings that ran between Clay and herself.
Mac grew thoughtful as the Admiral listened intently. “It’s been growing for a long time, Admiral. I don’t know when exactly, but while we were down in Ciudad del Este, sharing just about everything---,” Mac grinned as she remembered Clay’s revelation about the toothbrush, “---it became real. We really *were* married and it felt more right than---,” Mac broke off and released the curtain.
Turning to face AJ, Mac took another deep breath and tried again, “I don’t know how you feel about Meredith, sir, but if it even comes close to how I feel about Clay, then maybe you can understand. I need to be with him, to laugh with him, to live with him, create a family with him,” she nervously laughed. “Only him---me and the spook.”
All levity was gone when Mac starkly announced, “He completes me, Admiral.”
AJ stood up and tried to process this new turn of events. “What about Harm, Mac? Webb thinks he’s who you really want. Hell, so do the rest of us for that matter. He *did* risk his life to find you and Clay,” he reminded her.
Mac looked down before answering, gathering up the courage to admit this out loud. “I’ll always love Harm, Admiral. I’m sorry, but if we were really in love with one another, I think it would have happened by now. Looking back, I know it would have been a disaster. Maybe if---no, it just wasn’t meant to be. I grew beyond him or he grew beyond me, who knows? It’s funny,” she mused aloud, “but I never once saw myself growing old with him. But with Clay?”
Mac’s eyes grew distant again, lost in her own private world. Slowly, she said, “I can envision our future: children…fights…laughter….sadness…..contentment….just taking the time to grow together.”
Mac laughed self-consciously, as she remembered the Admiral’s presence. “You know, Clay can stand up to me without running right over me. We’re partners, not the adversaries Harm and I have become. Am I making any sense here?”
Unfortunately, she was. AJ paced before the fireplace, deciding whether or not to tell her that Harm had resigned his commission in order to chase her down to Paraguay. Hell, if she truly loved Webb---and it sounded like she did---it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. Before he could decide, Mac walked up to him and placed a hesitant hand on his forearm.
“I’m sorry for earlier sir. I—I just--,” she began.
“Forgotten, Mac. Now, let me get this straight. You’re determined to go after Webb and, uh, stake your claim?” AJ wanted to be certain.
“If he’ll have me sir,” Mac meekly replied.
“Well, hell, that’s the wrong attitude right there, Marine. Meredith went after me with both barrels: the good, the bad, *and* the ugly,” the Admiral proudly stated.
“Sir!” Mac sputtered, shocked into laughing.
“Hell, yeah. Makes a man feel good to know his woman’s willing to fight for him. And I’m pretty sure you’ve got your work cut out for you if you’re going to convince Clayton Webb to take a chance on you.” AJ was nothing if not tactful. At Mac’s crestfallen look, AJ tried to back up and remove his boot from his mouth.
“Oh, Mac, you know you’re worth the effort, but maybe the man’s not feeling too sure of himself right now. Last I saw of him, he was so certain you were out of his league, that he felt it was torture just to be around you.” Seeing the hurt enter her eyes, AJ knew his phrasing was off. But, damnit, that’s what the man had said!
“Look Mac, forget what I said. Just go to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him exactly what you told me. Be damn sure you make him believe it, too.” AJ nodded his head and headed for the door.
“Admiral?” AJ paused with his hand on the doorknob and looked back.
“Thanks. Really, I appreciate your advice. There’s just one problem,” she told him.
AJ brushed off her thanks, turned the knob, and raised a brow in question. “What?”
“You forgot to tell me where Clay is,” Mac replied, picking up the passkey. She was more than ready to confront Clay with her love.
AJ looked at her in consternation before pulling out his cell phone. “I don’t know where he is, but I’m sure as hell gonna find out.”
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MAY 31, 2003
DUKE UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER
DURHAM, NC
Clay was resting comfortably when he heard the furious whispering on the other side of the curtain. Weakly examining the IV tube inserted in his left arm, he glanced around the strange hospital room. On his left, he could see the bright sunshine streaming in the big window. His right side was blocked off by the privacy curtain. Glancing down, he noticed two pairs of ankles and feet. The owners were too engrossed in their whispered argument to notice his light rustling. Instinctively feigning sleep, he focused on their conversation:
“I don’t know what hand you had in this, but I’m not doing it,” came the furious denial.
“Of course you are Harmon, it’s your job,” was the reasonable response.
“My job does not involve kidnapping, lying to my friends or other underhanded tactics---I uphold the law, not break it!”
“Think, Harmon. You’re a Company man now. Of course it involves all of those things and more.”
“He’s your own son!”
“All the more reason for you to be on this detail. You’re his friend, he trusts you, and you can easily monitor his activities without him being any the wiser.”
“Like he’s going to start uttering state secrets during his sponge bath.”
“That’s what you’re going to prevent.”
“What kind of Mother are you?”
“One who very much wants to keep her son alive and away from those vermin at Langley.”
“Like you so very elegantly reminded me---I’m one of those vermin now.”
“But you’re an honorable rat, dear. They haven’t corrupted you yet.”
“What about Clay? Don’t you rank him with the vermin?”
“Let’s not be silly, dear. Clayton is a Webb. Webbs merely tolerate the vermin. Besides that, he is my son. If the Webb money and power couldn’t corrupt him, I seriously doubt that anything at the agency could. Besides, I’d kill him myself, before I’d allow that to happen.”
“I believe you would,” was his disgusted response.
“Idle threats are a waste of breath, dear.”
“You are one piece of work, Mrs. Webb. Does Clay have any idea what a coldhearted bitch you are?”
“How very vulgar, Harmon. I had thought better of you. Ah, well, you are rather new to this side of the business, so let’s just forget that little outburst, shall we? Now, have you secured the area and set up your cover?”
“Yes,” he ground out.
“Well, then, I shall leave you to it. Don’t forget to maintain your cover, dear,” she reminded him.
Clay had heard enough. He’d seen his mother in operative-mode before. It neither surprised nor angered him. Harm’s involvement, however, had him worried. He’d have to set him straight before he insulted his mother again. Clay refused to allow that to occur, no matter the provocation.
“Mother?” he called out.
The curtain was swung back as Harm and Porter Webb were startled out of their argument.
“Clayton, dear. You’re awake,” cooed his mother.
“Uh-huh. Look Mother,” came his hoarse voice, “stop terrorizing Harm. No one would ever believe you’d kill me, so just cut it out, please.”
“Now, Clayton. I don’t know what you think you heard---,” Porter began.
“Pretty much everything, Mother. And I do appreciate it, but I don’t think we need to recruit Harm into the clan, do you?” There was a faint smile on Clay’s face as he gazed up at Harm’s surprised expression.
“Clayton, you---,” Porter tried, but Clay was speaking again.
Licking dry lips, his eyes sparkled, “Vermin, Mother? That’s certainly a new one.”
Porter hid a grin as she looked down at the bed, while Clay addressed Harm. “Harm, I appreciate your help in getting me here, but don’t feel obligated to stay. I know you need to get back to JAG, and,” he added, “Mac really needs you right now.”
Harm searched his eyes, trying to figure out the meaning behind Clay’s last statement, then realized the injured agent had no idea of his current status. Smiling self-deprecatingly, Harm informed him, “Well, I don’t know about Mac, but JAG no longer needs my services, Clay. I resigned my commission before I came down to Paraguay.”
Clay looked over at his mother who confirmed Harm’s news with a nod. Raising his right eyebrow, Clay told him, “Oh, you know AJ’ll take you back. He always does, Harm.”
“Not this time. I, uh, sort of joined your team. I’m on Kershaw’s roster now,” he revealed.
Clay closed his eyes in disbelief. “Jesus, Harm!” he hissed, “You’re not suited to this life and you know it. Look how Mother’s been able to dupe you into staying here!”
Sending a chiding look his mother’s way, Clay helpfully revealed, “By the way, she has no jurisdiction over your assignment.”
“She’s been inactive for a long time now, haven’t you Mother?” Clay grinned up at her.
“If you say so, son.” Porter mysteriously conceded.
Harm studied the mother and son, finally realizing that he truly had been fooled by Porter. As she lovingly pushed Clay’s hair back, Clay accepted the caress as his due and tried to sit up straighter in the bed. Observing his grimace of pain, Harm fiddled with the bed’s controls until Clay made a stopping motion.
Pulling over a chair from across the room, Harm settled in. “So, Clay, I guess I’m on your detail until you’re off the painkillers and can be debriefed,” Harm began but Clay was shaking his head.
“No thanks, Harm. I appreciate it, but you need to rescind your resignation and join Mac back at Falls Church.” Clay persisted.
Porter sat back in a chair near the window and observed the men conduct a quiet struggle of wills.
“Mac doesn’t need me to help her at JAG. She doesn’t need me for anything. Besides, I’m a Company man now,” retorted Harm with a tight smile.
“The hell you are, Harm! I do not need you to watch my ass,” Clay was indignant, then became thoughtful as he studied Harm’s resolve. “What happened between you and Mac?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that question, Clay?” Harm’s question was almost snide. Clay stared at him in confusion, trying to figure out what had occurred between Mac and Harm down in South America.
It was during this sudden silence that all three were startled by the angry voice at the open door:
“Why don’t you just ask me?”