Author: Eggy Weg
Rating: PG 13
Classification: Silliness
Spoilers: Need to know
Summary: My version of how the Grinch stole Christmas by Dr Seuss
Archive: Yeah
Feedback: Please
Disclaimer: Neither the JAG characters nor the Grinch are mine.
~~~
Every lawyer down in Jag's Ville
Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Spy who lived in Surinam
Did not!
The Spy hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
And if you've ever been lonely then you know the reason.
He missed that Rabb and their old friendly fight.
He hated the thought of being alone that night.
But the main reason, the most painful of all
Was that his heart was so very empty and torn.
But whatever the reason his heart or the Rabb's.
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Jag's.
Staring down from his room with a sour, Webbie frown
He thought of these people in that warm happy town.
For he knew every JAG down in Jag's Ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"No one cares if I'm there!" he snarled with a sneer.
"And tomorrow is Christmas! There is nobody here!"
Then he sipped on his drink to stop from his grumping
"I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All the JAG girls and boys
Would wake bright and early with the "Happy Christmas" joys!
But when he woke up there would be no toys
No he wouldn't get the "Happy Christmas" joys!
Then the Jag's, young and old, would sit down to feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast at the Robert's, on hot roast beast
This was something Clay couldn't stand in the least!
And then they'd do something he'd like least of all
Every JAG down in Jag's Ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
With guitar in his hands that Rabb would start singing!
He'd sing! And he'd sing!
And he'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
The more he thought of Rabb's Christmas sing,
The more Clay thought "I must stop this whole Christmas thing!"
"Why for seven, eight years I've put up with it now!
I must stop it this year but I just don't know how?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
Yes the spy got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know what I'll do!" He laughed in his throat.
And he brought out the bottle from under his coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great spooky trick!
I'll drink lots of whiskey and forget of Saint Nick!"
"I'll get rid of the cards…" The spy looked around.
But, since his friends were scarce, there was just one to be found.
"Well that's Dear old Mom, Ha!" He simply said,
"I don't need friends; they'd mess with my head!"
So he took down the card, opened it and read
"Merry Christmas" was all that the stupid thing said.
No one had phoned him. No "when are you back?"
No letter or e-mail from his friends Harm or Mac.
Then the spy cried "Goddamn it!" and drank the drink down
And thought of his friends they'd be a snooze in their town.
All their windows would be dark, as the snow filled the air.
All the Jag's would be dreaming sweet dreams without care
"Well you loved me dad," old Clay e boy hissed
Knowing to well that he never was missed.
Mackenzie loves Rabb he thought with a flinch.
"And if Rabb is her Santa then I am the Grinch."
He wanted a family but she never knew,
How long he had longed for her "I love you".
He thought of their children, ten stood in a row.
He loved his sweet angels. He'd never get them though.
He slithered and slunk, from the thought most unpleasant,
When looked round the room, he felt like a peasant!
No Top guns, No lawyers! No Roberts! Or Simms!
No Chegwidden! Tiner! Or Gunny! Just things!
"I don't understand" Said the spy very dimly,
"Why do I wish that they'd come down the chimney?"
When he finished his drink he went for a feast!
And found Christmas pudding, the thing he liked least.
Then to the doorway he turned as he heard a loud clash.
Why, that spy opened that door as quick as a flash.
She shuffled past him and smiled wide with glee.
It was that beautiful marine, colonel Mackenzie
And the spy grabbed the girl sent from above,
And would you believe he confessed all his love.
She turned around smiling as if she had knew
When he looked in her eyes she just said "me too"
And after a kiss which produced their first daughter
They both took a shower and made love in the water.
With that twinkle in her eye she laughed her, "Oh my
What on earth happened to that cold hearted spy?"
But, you know, that Clay who is so smart and so slick
He forgot how to think until that orgasm had hit.
"Why, my sweet little Mac" the noble man cried,
"There's a light in my heart that won't light on one side.
So you're taking it home, will you mend it my dear?
You can fix it up there. Then bring it back here"
Shocked at his statement she nodded her head
And he lay down beside her; they cuddled bed.
She awoke bright and early "time to get up,"
He couldn't believe this great Christmas luck
His present from Jag, they'd called in a favour
He was going back home, great, AJ's his saviour
So they cuddled up cozy and warm by the fire
Then they packed up his things leaving only hooks and some wire
And the one speck of food that Mac left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
They were on their way home, to the other Jag's houses
Where Mac left no crumbs for the other Jag's mouse's!
It was quarter past dawn...with most, still a bed
But not a Jag was a snooze when he and Mac wed,
They all brought presents! With ribbons and wrappings!
Oh the tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings and trappings!
Floating up high with the sound of the trumpets,
They kissed too the cheers, everyone's "Well done" it's
Thankful he hadn't stopped Christmas from coming
"I'm glad you're my wife" the spy said while humming.
"Let's stay up all night; you know what we'll do?
We'll cry out our pleasure in one big `love you"
"Why that," grinned his wife "that, I simply must hear!"
And he threw back his head and laughed without fear.
They heard that sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then started to grow…
And the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
But with a love in his life, he WAS merry! VERY!
He laughed really loud, the smile bright in his eyes!
Then Rabb sang for them, what a shocking surprise!
Every Jag down in Jag's-Ville, the tall and the small,
They were his family even Singer and all!
He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
But this time he wanted it again and again
And the spy, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,
For a friend he didn't have too far to go
They came without ribbons! They came without tags!
They came without packages, boxes or bags!
And he stood with that smile until his cheeks were quite sore.
Then the spy said something he hadn't before!
"Christmas," he said, "doesn't come from a store.
Christmas...MY FRIENDS is a little bit more!"
And what happened then...? Well...in Jag's Ville they say
Clayton's heart was filled, and grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his bride through the bright morning light
And he stood with his family, the Jag girls and boys!
And loved that Christmas wasn't just about toys
And that night Oh yes what a wonderful feast!
Just Mac and himself, whom she called `sexy beast',
~~ Merry July, Sorry I just couldn't wait until Christmas ~~
