Other things we should be

terrified about.

BE Afraid, be very afraid. It's not enough to worry about weird powders in the mail, and sudden sharp downward turns in passing airplanes, and a crumbling economy, and people hiding explosive devices in their beards and endlessly dull news reporting. No. There's a whole universe of fears out there waiting for you to claim them for your very own. When baking soda can cause screams of terror it's time to sit down and think of what else might be out there, lurking, and ready to do you wrong....

1) SPITTING COBRAS: The possibility of genetically engineered spitting cobras has been ignored for too long. Imagine a venomous snake capable of shooting a wad of hot poison right into your eye at over 500 yards. Worse yet, they might be trained to spit their deadly salvia into your mocha whip and you'd never notice the poison until you fell over dead.

2) HYPNOTIC AGENTS: Straight from the hottest days of the cold war, billions have been spent in creating secret agents who don't know they're secret agents! A trigger phrase or sound will send them into murderous acts induced by a massive course of hypnotic drugs and programing that they naturally have no recollection of ever taking place. Worse of all, anyone can be a hypnotic agent, but usually they are people in positions of power and trust so there's no telling who one can turn to in a moment of national crisis.

3) TERRORISM ENVY: In the wake of the Sept 11^th events some people have rushed forward, not to help, but to make a quick profit. In an outpouring of honest relief giving, there has also been some shameless hucksterism going on. Added to this are the various 'threats around the nation' news bits so locals elsewhere can feel that they too live in a world class city worthy of a terrorist attack. It doesn't take a genius to put these two elements of greed and envy together. A desperate town council could decide that in order to get some much needed federal funds they'll have to blow up something in their area. Soon there could be depressed towns across the nation that suddenly ignite in 'terrorist acts.' The country will go bankrupt trying to bail them all out.

4) EARTHQUAKE MACHINES: Southern California isn't the only place on the planet on a fault line. In fact, there's a major fault line in the Mississippi valley. Who knows how many other fault lines are being kept secret? Scientist claim they don't fully understand what causes earthquakes which is almost proof positive that they can cause a major tremor anywhere in the world at will.

5) SUNSPOTS: 2001 happens to be in the eleven year cycle of high solar activity, and like earthquakes, sunspots are only vaguely understood. Yeah, right. Truth of the matter is, a solar flare could very easily shoot out and lick off our atmosphere. Does increased space technology attract solar flares? And is it really a coincidence that in 11 years, the next sunspot cycle, that 2012 is also the year when the Mayan long count calendar comes to an abrupt end?

6) MELTING ICE CAPS: Hard to place flowers for the World Trade Center victims when it's twenty feet below sea level. Despite the various right wingers who debunk Greenhouse Gases, it's happening, the planet is getting hotter. Could it be that higher seas would benefit the arid lands of Arabia? If the majority of Greenhouse Gases come from the burning of fossil fuels and most of our fossil fuels come from Arab states, maybe we should check out those so-called right wingers and see if they're wearing masks or hidden control devices.

7) THE SOVIET UNION: It's the greatest double switch in the history of the world. The Soviet Union is only pretending to have collapsed so we would let our guard down. The Evil Empire has fooled us so completely, we're ready to give them anything they want - and they want it all.

8) THE RETURN OF FLESH EATING BACTERIA: Only this time, they're bigger, faster, hungrier and solely owned by Disney so there's nothing you can do about it.

9) WIDESPREAD PANIC: What good does it do you to keep your cool when everyone else has been driven insane by a constant barrage of fear? Sure, you can list ten reasons why there's no danger, but that's not going to stop the madman who wants to know how many Cat Stevens albums you have as 'proof' of your treachery which has already been decided by the lynch mob you once thought of as neighbors. Appealing for peace and quiet will only make them angrier. Being the voice of reason is not much of a missile shield in the New World Terror.

10) LATEX MASKS AND SPECIAL EFFECTS: By now, Hollywood has proved that anything is possible and that any point of view can be altered or faked. How do we know for a fact that Usama bin Laden isn't really a turnip farmer in Idaho? Or that we're at war? Or that the President of United States is who he claims to be? Where's Dick Cheney? And is it that really Cheney or some sort of "double" - or worse? For all you know, you're the only real person on Earth, and everything else around you is the result of powerful drugs and mind control devices.

Realistically, as Americans, we must face our fears and conquer them. Perhaps the best way to do this is to round up everyone who isn't 100% behind the President and place them in an armed camp. We should make sure we only spout off the latest approved opinions and keep our focus on many of the fine sporting events and entertainments provided nightly on our TVs. We should make sure that teenagers know what's expected of them and loudly cheer them on to the front lines in the War on Evil. We should be quick to honor our dead as heroes while lambasting the living for slacking and slumping in their duties. We should be watchful, ready to denounce any and all who might think differently. We must not just beware, but be aware of our neighbors and ready to report to the authorities any activity that may in someway be a threat to our national security. We must be willing to help the police. We must be willing to bear witness.

Only through blind obedience can we be free. With strict adherence to the edicts of the Homeland Security Office and by carefully obeying the boundless wisdom of Our President can we defeat our fears and live as Our Founding Fathers would have wished us to live - deep underground behind twenty-two inches of reinforced steel.

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