I'll just explain for a minute or so. These are actually things people or their PC's said or did in or about my campaign. I've only started writing them down for the last couple of months, but added a couple others that really stuck out in my mind from prior to then. Nothing clever or witty, just people being stupid. If it was in a published module, I listed it, for no apparent reason. That is all. Rated PG-13 for language and situations, but I'm a prude.
"We're on a mission from God." (from Brian Eick and Eric Pierson)
A drow and an al-karak-elam (winged folk, Best of Dragon vol 3) trying to convince a country of minotaurs that they should be the nation's rulers by divine right. (This was actually in my friend Dennis's campaign. I mention it because their other mission was to kill my character.)
"You look very good for a dead person, sir." (from Brian Eick)
A halfling practices the primary survival skill of bootlicking on an undead zombie-like warrior.
"I've seen the light!" (William Wesley Britt)
Britt's thief joined new religions more often than he changed his underwear. This announcement meant he had once again discovered the one true path. He'd worship elven gods, archdevils, demon princes, dead gods (not gods of the dead, I mean gods that had been killed), etc. It didn't really matter to him. He would also be pretty devoted to the new religion, at first.
"Fuck (fill in the god's name)" (William Wesley Britt)
Unfortunately, it never lasted more than a week. This announcement meant he was fed up with religion and gods. I think at last count he had personally angered Corellon Larethian (chief god of the elves), Demogorgon (one of the most powerful demon princes of the Abyss), Asmodeous (ruler of the Nine Hells), Llolth (demon queen of spiders), a leopard god, Eris (goddess of discord), Cyric (the dark sun), Gond (the wonderbringer), Azuth, possibly Anthraxus (the current oinodaemon), and he probably would have had Myrkul on this list, if Myrkul was alive to care.
"Bring me the balls of the Jolly Green Giant!" (`X')
X played an anti-paladin who didn't really think it was necessary to get on the good side of the group he was about to adventure with. Hence, this was his demand to them before he would let them walk across the room he met them in. Needless to say, they were not exactly enamored with his company. (Castle Amber)
"Why did the demon attack me? I'm chaotic/evil too!" (`X')
X's anti-paladin failed to grasp the concept. The rest of the party refused to help him, due to the above quote.(Castle Amber)
"I want an Ogre bitch!" (`X')
X was playing a fighter whose combined Int and Wis score was a 7. This was his demand to the madam of a cathouse he visited.
"I'm going to get away from the colossus, but not too far away." (`?')
Let's see, 100' zombie swinging around a tree as a weapon, and you can't hurt it. It's followed by dozens of screaming cultists. The guys who ran like crazy all lived. (Castle Amber)
"Isn't there supposed to be treasure in this?" (`?')
A different character of the same guy from above had his eyes plucked out by ravens, and wandering blindly, was thrashed by monster after monster, then was abandoned by the party, and fell out a window 100 miles to the ground. No treasure found the entire time. (Castle Greyhawk)
"If there's supposed to be treasure in this, we've been doing it all wrong." (Jay Commans)
Jay's cynical reply to the above question. (Hey, I've loosened up since then.) (Castle Greyhawk)
"Stop them from casting spells." (`Nature Boy')
When two mages decide to go into the forest to teach each other spells, one of them being fireball, the druid was obligated to call in his attack turkeys. This is another one you had to be there for.
"I will not." (`Nature Boy')
The druid, captured by Pan Tang slavers, was ordered to put on metal armor and fight in the arena. Refusing to forsake his druidical vows by wearing metal armor, he refused, and was promptly beaten with a club. He ended up clubbed to death, but got really admiring looks from all the other PC's for standing up for his beliefs. (Actually, they all thought he was an idiot, but I could see the heroism.) (Prisoners of Pan Tang)
"Wait until we run into the weresharks! I'm running away!" (Jay Commans)
Well, seeing how they had just run into wererats, werebears, weretigers, and werefoxes this may not have seemed unreasonable, except they were in a buried city in the middle of the desert. (The Lost City)
"Because they wouldn't let me become a full member at the time." (Jay Commans)
Here Jay explains, when he is petitioning for full membership in the cult of Usimigarus, the reason he became a lesser member of the Cult of Gorm, bitter rivals to the Cult of Usamigarus. Needless to say, they didn't like his answer. (The Lost City)
"Exponential danger!" (Jay Commans)
Here Jay describes my `campain' (ouch) to a new player.
"I'm 8th level and I'm still running!" (Jay Commans)
The guy needed more of an explanation.
"I can't find my init" (Jay Commans)
Okay, it was late at night/ early morning. It was funny at the time. Sue me.
(Visual) Jay rips the brain out of his own head and starts beating it against the side of Da Ting. (Jay Commans)
Well, nothing else seemed to be working... (Castle Greyhawk)
"I'm afraid, all right? I'm afraid!" (Scott Miosi)
The bold elf refuses to travel down the haunted tunnel. Incidently, it's the only way out of the dungeon. (The Lost City)
"Help me. I'm dying. Help me. I think I broke my arm." (Scott Miosi)
The bold elf fell into a pit. Take damage. The pit was lined with razor sharp spikes. More damage. The spikes were all tipped with poison. Etc, etc, etc. (The Lost City)
"Wow! I've got money on my sheet now!" (Dave Fergeson)
It's about time they got some, he was a 7th level Kensai. (The Lost City)
"I'm rich! We have 2000 silver pieces!" (Jimmy Moore)
Let's see, 2000sp=200gp/6 PC's=33.33gp each. A tidy sum for a group of 7-8th level characters, don'tcha think? Perhaps I was being a wee bit too stingy. After all, they all needed to buy cure disease and remove curse spells to cure the lycanthropy they all contracted in the adventure. (The Lost City)
"Eick, you're a tease." (Jimmy Moore)
So I gave `em tons of treasure, and as they were about 50 yards away from home, the Free City of Greyhawk, they were robbed by Mart Remalkin, an illusionist thief. Hey life's tough all over. (Puppets)
"Why do we always have to kill everything?" (Gerald Rock)
New player. First adventure. Such wide-eyed optimism... (The Shrine of Balo)
"The village is in danger! Let's fireball something!" (Jason McDevitt)
Problem solving approaches like this are what make guys like Rock (above) cynical. (The Murder of Maury Miller)
(Visual) Rolls the bodies of corpses over. (Jason McDevitt)
But Jay was once a newbie too; witness his first ever cleric and the suggestion from his fellow adventurer that he try to turn undead. This was Dennis's campaign again. I was the fellow adventurer. Luckily the 200 bodies were plain old corpses, and not zombies.
"Whoopie doo if I'm greedy; you still adventure with me!" (Missy Latteman)
There was some slight tension when the party realized that Missy's elf possessed 9 of the party's 12 magic items, and the majority of the gold. She wasn't even the highest level.
"Not me! You won't kill me! Wanna know why? I'll run away!" (Missy Latteman)
The highest level character suggests a way to get the treasure more equitably split up. Missy's elf points out the plan's inherent flaw.
"I wish I was scrubbing." (Carrie Myer)
Her cleric, disguised as a fighter, and who previously worked as a scullery maid, is chosen to have a practice swordfight against a REAL fighter who promptly beats the tar out of her. (Mark of Amber)
"I've got to go to the bathroom. Somebody watch the Duke." (Carrie Myer)
Carrie fails to recognize the difference between having Carrie's fighter guarding the evil duke, and Carrie guarding the evil duke. (Crown of Ancient Glory)
"If you are first level, you should go around kissing everyone's butt." (Carrie Myer)
Carrie gives some practical advice on how low-level characters should behave if they want to make it to higher levels, especially if the low-level characters adventure with her.
"I've heard this before." (Carrie Myer)
Carrie's fighter is assured by the spellcasting members of the party that they are ready to support her with their powerful protective spells and devastating attack magics after she goes ahead alone to open a scary looking door. As before, they don't. (Drums on Fire Mountain)
"That's it?" (Carrie Myer)
Carrie's fighter is the essence of heroism as she discovers the reason for the latest quest is to rescue kidnapped peasants, with little chance of monetary rewards. The essence of heroism, that is, until she abandoned the quest 5 minutes later.
"Don't I get experience for being a slut?" (Carrie Myers)
No, you don't. Just a lot of ribbons.
"I don't want to find him. He'll hurt us again." (Kristin King)
The party considers looking for a berserker they adventured with once, that accidently nearly wiped out the entire party in a fighting rage once.
"I'll show the gargoyle my breast. (squeeze)" (Christie Buschie)
Alone, unarmed, and unarmored, the pious cleric decides to seduce a gargoyle while trying to escape a haunted house. The trick might have been more effective if she hadn't been talking to a stone statue of a gargoyle. See, things like this happen when you play with a few bottles of Kamakaize.(The Stolen Sword)
"Well, let's kill your parents now." (Christie Buschie)
The same pious cleric attempts to convince her 13 year old boyfriend that if his parents are killed, he can inherit the family farm, and they can get married. Can anyone say `alignment change?' I knew you could. Don't feel so bad for the kid though, the little creep only wanted to wait until he was 16, so his uncle wouldn't get the farm. (Unfinished Dungeon, one I wrote.)
"I sit down and start to cry `I wanna go home!'" (Fred Latteman)
Witness the emotional strength of Fred's brave character.
"Do you have any healing potions?" (Alan Timms)
As the young Etienne cradles the bloody, butchered body of his dead father, Alan's thief suddenly remembers that he has a scratched arm. (Mark of Amber)
"I give you the power of mercy!" (Alan Timms)
Alan's thief unsuccessfully attempts to convince Etienne to show compassion to the families of his father's killers. (Mark of Amber)
"Oh yeah? Well, c'mon, roll for dick size then!" (Brad Stoudt)
Poor Brad's half-elf rolled every ability score lower than Phil's elf, and Phil was rubbing it in. It got worse when Brad rolled lower on this one too.
"Okay, but let's leave the navigator for last." (Greg O'Callaghan)
Greg's character was told they should throw some rations overboard, to distract the pursuing monster. Greg's character has peculiar dietary tastes. However, this solved the mystery of the missing sailors. (Lathan's Gold)
"I'm Killer. I run away from monsters and eat people." (Greg O'Callaghan)
Killer attempts to point out why the adventuring group should hire him for their quest. The bad part is, he's telling the truth. Even worse, they hired him anyway. (Lathan's Gold)
"He has a secret crush on you-know-who!" (Gregory O'Callaghan)
Killer's statement right before he and Chaos Man got into a MAJOR fight. Obviously, Chaos Man didn't agree with the statement, or the kiss Killer planted on him. Perhaps Killer's beard tickled. (Lathan's Gold)
"Dead bodies? What kind of a barn am I staying at?!?" (Kevin Eick)
Kevin's cleric obviously expected better accomodations and roommates, rather than the 1/2 eaten body he found when he broke into a barn to sleep. Perhaps that's why they invented inns? On a side note, Killer was nowhere around. (Saga of the Shadowlord)
"This is the Middle Ages! They stick `em in an insane asylum for two weeks, then they kill `em!" (Kevin Eick)
Kevin's cleric comes up with a compassionate solution to the vexing problems caused by the rampant insanity of the Cynidicean people. (The Lost City)
"Dead." (Tony Finken)
Tony's elf's gives a calm response to my angry query `where were you when I asked who had appraisal skill?' (This was in my friend Melissa's campaign.)
"Do you wish to fight?" (`??')
We met a druid in the woods, and figured we'd learn a bit about the surrounding area. Unfortunately, one guy's `people skills' weren't quite up to par, and worse, the druid answered him positively. (This was in my DM Brian Scaz's campaign.)
That's about it for now. If they continue to be stupid in one line bits, I'll let you know.
Until then, be glad you aren't in my campaign, and relax at
the main page.
Updated 27 JUN 99. That's not a quote.