The Team
Kyoto gClicksh- GK: Kevin (The cat), DF: Paul (The frog), James (The silent assassin), Scott (The milk stain) MF: Owen (The click), Pat (The lap), Graeme (The Rab C Nesbitt), Richard (The most muscular bloke Ifve ever seen) Rick (The trip) FW: Edwin (The Gap) Eamon (The toe)
The road trip
It took 6 hours of mindless banter, unnecessary stops and pungent, rotten possum like odours before we found our hotel high in the hills. If only our Hondafs plastic fascia with wood trim could have talked! It would have highlighted conversations ranging from the worst football commentary of all time (Ron Atkinsonfs gDenilson must have done at least 10 lollipopsh still holds the title) to the fact that Novafs finest, Owen, is not fucking Canadian! One listen to his Pewee Herman/Jon Bon Jovi/Terry Wogan accent spieling stories of every country but Canada was enough to arouse the crewfs suspicion. Bless him; his antics did lead to us calling ourselves the gclicks!h Heaven knows why he still uses that archaic measuring gauge ? but hey, it gave us a bloody cool sounding name!
Then it was time for us to get lost. Not your average kind of glosth. No. We were aimlessly night meandering through the isolated mountains of Nagano. As there wasnft a soul to ask for directions apart from those crazy Jap douche bags living in the forests believing WW2 is still going on - a strange bonding happened between the fearful 7 of us.
1 A.M strikes and we arrive. Relieved that we didnft have to eat Edwin after our supplies ran out, we crawl to our rooms and get into bed. That was at least for the 4 gluckyh early arrivals. The rest of us were on futons. I twated my toe at the bathroom door on a ledge that Eddie gThe Eagleh Edwards would have done well to clear in his Nagano glory days. After a few yells of sheer agony I crashed out hoping that I hadnft done the unthinkable.
A plastic fried egg
After a breakfast better not talked about (hinto: the heading just above). We set out for the pitches through the beautiful green mountains of middle Japan. First up, were last yearfs champions, the 47 man strong squad of Nagano. Obviously the organizer spotted something distinctly gSenegalh like about us and decided we should have first shot at some giant killing.
Nagano: 2 Kyoto: 0
We were no giant killers. To be honest, as it was our first time playing together, we did well to stop the Jap douche bag harborers from scoring more than just two. Pat created some good movement in midfield, firmly stamping his playmaker authority on the game. Most, if not all of his over the top balls were intercepted by what can only be described as 6.4 ft, JET gorillas. Infact, the strikers would have had more luck describing the word gsubtleh to a level 4 Nova student than penetrating this brick wall!
Naganofs first goal was a San Marino like mix up in defense, with Pat knocking the ball in via the body of someone in our own team! I canft even remember or care how Nagano scored their second goal. The fact was that we had our asses tanned. However, at least we had got used to playing with each other and kept the score line quasi-respectable.
Tochigi: 1 Kyoto: 1
This was more like it. Great pressure from midfield produced poetry from Rick on the wings. His lightening pace helped produce the first goal. In what was probably our most fluid movement of the game, Pat knocked the ball low to me. With Rick running on I flicked it ahead of him. BANG #1 like the proverbial Forest Gump he was gone with the ball and had nothing but an obese goalkeeper to beat. BANG #2 Rick was sent into orbit by a clumsy goalie tackle and there it was - a penalty calmly converted by Pat and the gClicksh had glory in sight.
Our delusions of grandeur didnft last long as Tochigi equalized in the second half with what appeared to be an unintentional shot on our goal! Itfs now that this writer must hold his hand up and apologize. The Tochigi goal was peppered late in the second half with the 2 easiest chances falling to me! Although it was later revealed that I was playing with a fractured toe (my hotel injury that will probably go down as the most un-heroic of all time), the chances I missed were so simple that a pigeon footed Obo-Chan walking her Shiba ken could have converted them - without even looking! The game finished a draw and we were heading for the wooden spoon tournament the next day.
Last man standing
Undeterred by our impotency in front of goal we were off to score in another impotent way. Where? Well at the 2002 All-Japan JET Football tournament disco of course! Now take the debauchery of Sam and Daves 5, the unashamed lechery of the Kobe re-contracting conference nights out and the sick, twisted passages of Dave Walters long lost Diary - mix it all up and throw it into a crumbling Bykergrove-like function room and thatfs the sort of party we had on our hands!
Turn off the light dear
Although most of the female footballers present were of the KD Lang listening, dungaree wearing variety, it didnft stop the clicks making their mark. Where shall I start? Pat getting a lap dance by some gcurvaceoush blond was the highlight. However, a honourable mention must go to Neil, some eastern European guy with an overbite that seemed to follow us around all weekend. The rascal's antics ranged from pulling girls hair on the dance floor and forcing them to genjoyh the pain, to engaging in bizarre 3-way conversation circles with couples in order to grope the females! Scott kept a beady eye on this player all night and noted some of his techniques for future use!
Kyoto 1 Aichi 0
The Kevin 747 has just landed. Owen announced this Jumbo jet didnft set down till 7.40 a.m. Causing widespread disruption to all passengers. With distinct JET lag we all limped to the pitches. We nearly had a gbyh as our first opponents, Aichi, went to watch the girls play! I bet the sheepbiters wished they had stayed there because the Kyoto gClicksh were in no mood to mess about. First half saw outstanding play from the impregnable James in defense and the Michael Flattley like, Owen on the right wing. God knows how we didnft get a first half goal. Second half started disastrously. Paul handled a high ball in the box and a penalty resulted. Employing our most skillful piece of technique of the tournament, Kevin dived in the most agile cat like manner to tip the ball away. A legendary save that I will definitely tell my grandchildren about.
Inspired by these heroics we all seemed to step up a gear. Scott performed the most cynical tackle of all time ? tripping a guy up in a way that can only be described as kindergarten-like. Next, I managed to get a yard on my man and I crossed the ball in for Pat to unleash a rasping low shot. GOAL! That was it, we had our first victory and it felt Sweet!
Kyoto 1 Kamogawa 0
Our next opponents were good. For most of the game, their middle field sliced through us like a warm knife through butter. Despite great flicks from Edwin and Roy Keane-like tackling by Paul, we were preparing for the inevitable penalties. But guess what? In the dieing minutes Pat picked the ball up on the edge of the box. With 2 nonchalant toe taps he unleashed an exquisite shot to beat their excellent keeper. To say this manfs wasted at Nova would be a titanic understatement! The Beckham like, one man, goal machine was our trump card. It was a privilege to play with him.
Kyoto 2 Toyama 1
All standing between the gbest of the runners uph title and us was Toyama. From the start it wasnft looking good for us. Their women had already proved invincible in the ladies tournament. Then our Captain fantastic, Richard, went down with a serious leg injury and we had to beg the other teams for a sub. To make matters worse, the referee seemed intent on giving EVERY decision to Toyama. I think the gClicksh will agree with me when I say that this match had more than a quaint sniff of Don King about it! The abuse Edwin and I hurled at that ref cannot be repeated in this article!
First blood was to Toyama. An excellent cross was deftly headed into our nets by one of their suspiciously non-legal looking, gaijin forwards. We were back in the game when James, our man in the shadows, came all the way from defense to stealthily knock in a Pat corner kick.
Now we smelt victory. Although exhausted, we gave one last push. Graham caused havoc on the right wing with Richardfs replacement (gMarioh?) causing equal disturbance. Corners resulted. With the last one swung in by genki Owen. And whom should it fall to? The man Pat, who else! He lobbed the ball over the pot-bellied goalkeeper straight into the top left corner! Three S-L-O-W minutes followed and then the final whistle - we were CHAMPIONS! The wooden spoon was ours!
Jimmy Greaves once said: gItfs a funny old gameh. For me a profound statement if ever there was one. However, it takes on a whole new meaning when I sit back with a wide grin and think of our funny old weekend in Nagano.
Copyright & Copy: 2003 Eamon Gilleece