WHACKED OUT BARBIES
Contributed by: Kerri and John

Inspired by a website that held a “Barbie Naming Contest.” Any duplication of the site’s names
here is purely coincidental. Although I have read the original list, these are purely off the
stranger parts of John’s and my heads... may Mattel have mercy on our souls.

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Acid Droppin’ Ken; ADD Skipper; Affirmative Action Ken (too white; bends over backward to get a job); Agent Orange Victim Ken; Albino Barbie; Alien from Space Barbie; Alzheimer’s Barbie; Anal Rententive Ken; Annoyin’ Questions Kelly (never stops once it starts!); Anthropomorphic Barbie; Anything For Attention Kelly; Artificial Insemination Barbie (comes w/ turkey baster); Aryan Barbie; Ass-Kissin’ Ken (not to be confused w/Affirmative Action Ken--he bends forward); Autoerotic Barbie; Ax Murderin’ Ken.

Baby Seal Clubbin’ Ken; Backcombin’ Barbie; Backtalkin’ Skipper; Bad Actor Ken; Bad Breath Barbie; Bad Nose Job Barbie; Bad Perm Barbie; Bad Rep Barbie; Bald Spot Barbie; Bald Spot Ken; Bank Robbin’ Barbie; Barbie, Destroyer of Worlds; Barbie of Borg (comes w/ replaceable parts--cube sold separately); Barbie-rella (in futuristic gear); Barbie’s Back Alley Playset; Bargain Basement Barbie; Barista Barbie; Barroom Brawler Barbie; Bartender Barbie (tavern playset sold separately); Bean Up My Nose Kelly; Bearded Barbie; Bed Wettin’ Kelly; Beer Belly Ken (beer belches optional); “Before” & “After” Barbie (two doll set); Betty Ford Clinic Barbie; Big-Ass Barbie; Bike Messenger Ken; Biker Bitch Barbie; Binge & Purge Barbie; Bingo Hall Barbie; Biological Clock Barbie; Bird-Flippin’ Ken; Birthmark Barbie; Black Plague Barbie; Blackjack Dealer Ken; Blackmailin’ Skipper; Blood-Spattered ER Nurse Barbie; B-Movie Extra Barbie; Boot Camp Barbie; Bon Bon Barbie; Bored Barbie (sighs every five minutes, whines every seven minutes); Bouncer Barbie; Bowl Smokin’ Barbie; Bra Stuffin’ Skipper; Breast-Feedin’ Barbie (like Lactatin’ Barbie, but w/ a baby); Broken Nose Barbie; Bucktoothed Barbie; Bug-Eyed Barbie; Burrito Wrappin’ Taco Bell Barbie; Butch Dyke Barbie; Butt-Scratchin’ Skipper; Bu’wheet Barbie.

Cataract Ken; Chain Smokin’ Skipper; Chair Dancin’ Barbie; Chastity Belt Barbie; Chaw-Chompin’ Barbie; Cheap Date Barbie; Cherry Pit Spittin’ Barbie; Chick Cruisin’ Ken (comes w/ convertible car); Child Prodigy Kelly; Children of the Corn Kelly (Corn-Silk Eyes Barbie and Crucified Ken sold separately); Chronic Whiner Skipper; Class Action Lawsuit Barbie; Class Slut Skipper; Clean & Sober Ken (AA Sponsor Barbie sold separately); Commitmentphobic Ken; Computer Geek Ken; Condom-Wearin’ Ken; Conehead Ken; Cottage Cheese Thighs Barbie; Coupon Clippin’ Barbie; Crater Face Skipper; Cute Lil’ Shit Kelly; Cyclops Barbie.

Dark Roots Barbie; Deadbeat Dad Ken; Deep Fry Cook Barbie (comes w/ hairnet & gloves); Defrocked Priest Ken; Depends Barbie; Detox Unit Barbie; Dime-A-Dance Barbie (comes w/ roll of tickets); Dirty Ol’ Man Ken; Dishonorably Discharged Ken; Dorm Mother Barbie; Douchin’ Fun Playset; Drag Queen Ken; Dreadlocks Barbie; Drug Dealin’ Barbie; Dumb Jock Ken (comes w/ bad report card & letter jacket); Dumpster Divin’ Barbie.

‘80s Big Hair Ken (choice of two styles: Duran Duran or A Flock of Seagulls); Electric Shock Therapy Barbie; Elephant Man Ken; Elvis Groupie Barbie; Evangelist Barbie (not to be confused w/ Elvis Groupie Barbie); Excessive Nose Hair Ken; Exorcism Skipper; Extra Chromosome Barbie; Eyes In The Back Of Her Head Barbie.

Fatal Attraction Barbie; Feral Barbie; Fertility Symbol Ken; Firewalker Barbie; Flat-Chested Barbie; Flophouse Ken (comes w/ mattress and bottle of Mad Dog 20/20); Flamethrowin’ Barbie; Flasher Ken; Fly’s Open Ken; Foot Fetishist Ken (comes w/ several pairs of Barbie’s shoes); Former Starlet Barbie; Frankenken; Free MY Willy Ken; Freelance Writer Ken; Freeloader Ken; French Kissin’ Barbie; Frontal Lobotomy Barbie; Frostbite Barbie (appendages turn white when cold); Full Monty Ken; Fun Date Skipper; Functionally Illiterate Barbie.

Game Show Host Ken; Gastric Reflux Barbie; Genealogist Barbie; Gettin’ Pubes Skipper; Gettin’ Therapy Barbie; Girdle Poppin’ Barbie (you don’t really think those are her measurements, do you?); Glamour Shots Kelly (looks 40 instead of 4!); Glass Ceiling Barbie; Glory Hole Barbie; God’s Gift to Women Ken; Godzilla Chow Barbie; Goin’ Gray Barbie (you’ll never see it, NEVER!); Gossip Fun Skipper; Gotta Get Some Ken; Gotta Pee NOW! Kelly; Granola-Eatin’ Vegan Hippie Freak Ken; Grease Monkey Barbie; Green Claymation Barbie (comes w/ orange claymation horse); G-String Barbie; Guess What *I* Got Pierced Ken; Gum Snappin’ Ken; Gun Moll Barbie.

Hair Plugs Ken; Hairball Spittin’ Kelly; Hairy Palms Ken (only comes w/ Playtoy magazine); Hand Puppet Barbie; Hanford Downwinder Barbie; Harpy Barbie; Hay Rollin’ Barbie; Hay Fever Skipper; Head Lice Kelly; Hearse Drvin’ Ken; Heavy Metal Skipper; Hemophiliac Ken (don’t drop him!); Herb Friendly Barbie; High School Dropout Skipper; Hockey Goalie Ken (minus two front teeth, of course!); Hog Callin’ Barbie; Holy Rollin’ Barbie; Homophobic Ken; Hungover Ken; Hyperactive Kelly; Hyperthyroid Barbie; Hypochondriac Barbie.

Idiot Savant Skipper; Illegal Alien Barbie (comes w/o green card); I’m NOT Gay, Dammit! Ken; Impotent Ken; Infomercial Barbie; Insurance Agent Barbie; IRS Auditin’ Barbie; It’s Just A Rash Ken; It’s Not Mine Ken.

Jaded Barbie (has been there, done that); Java Junkie Barbie; Jello Wrestlin’ Barbie.

Kaopectate Totin’ Ken; Kegger Krashin’ Ken; Ken & Barbie Kentucky Fried Movie Shower Set; Ken in Black; Ken or Kenda? (comes w/ blonde wig, angora sweater, skirt & high heels); Kenan the Barbie-arian; Kenny Krueger (from Nightmare on the Toy Aisle); Kerouac Readin’ Ken; Kiss of Death Barbie (w/ Pucker Power!); Knuckledraggin’ Ken.

Lab Guinea Pig Barbie; Lactatin’ Barbie; Laundromat Lovin’ Barbie; Limbaugh Listenin’ Ken (comes w/ truck w/ gun rack); Lottery Winnin’ Barbie; Love Handles Barbie.

Macho Shithead Ken; Mafia Don Ken; Male Strip Joint Ken; Marlboro Barbie; Mash Note Writin’ Ken; Menopause Barbie; Mensa Member Barbie; Midget Barbie; Migrant Farm Worker Barbie; Minority Whip Barbie; Missin’ Link Barbie; Missionary Position Only Barbie; Modem Junkie Barbie (never stands up or leaves computer); Monster Truck ‘n’ Tractor Pull Fun Set; Montana Sheepherder Ken (sheep sold separately, for sanitary reasons); Mormon Missionary Ken (comes w/ bicycle); Mornin’ After Barbie; Mornin’ Breath Barbie; Mortician Barbie; Motel 6 Barbie; Mother Superior Barbie; My First Period Skipper.

Nail Fungus Barbie; “Natural Blonde” Barbie (complete w/ “proof”); Navel Piercin’ Barbie; Neanderthal Ken; Needle Tracks Ken; No Body Hair at ALL Barbie; Nocturnal Emissions Ken; Nose Pickin’ Barbie (comes w/ can of green slime); Not So Fresh Feelin’ Barbie; Nuclear Physicist Barbie; Nude Skydivin’ Barbie; Nude Sunbathin’ Ken; Number of the Beast Barbie.

Oedipus Ken (only comes w/ mother); Office Christmas Party Barbie (comes w/ Xerox machine “chair”); One Eyebrow Ken; Outie Belly Button Barbie; Overendowed Ken.

Pagan Barbie; Panhandlin’ Ken; Paraplegic ‘Nam Vet Ken; Penis Envy Ken (remember, he’s NOT anatomically correct); Pennywise (the IT clown) Ken; Perpetual Motion Kelly; Pet My Pussy Barbie (comes w/ cat--tsk, tsk!); Pez Dispensin’ Barbie; Phone Sex Operator Barbie; Pick ‘n’ Flick Ken; Pigeon Toes Barbie; Pill Poppin’ Barbie; Pinkeye Kelly; Plaster Caster Barbie; Playtoy Centerfold Barbie; Pop-Up Ken; Pool Hall Hustlin’ Ken; Post-Nasal Drip Ken; Prison Bitch Ken; Prozac Addict Barbie; Psycho Hose Beast Barbie; Psychoanalyst Ken (comes in pink Freudian slip); Pull My Finger Barbie (clothespin included; Super Pull My Finger Barbie includes gas mask); Punch Drunk Barbie; Pushup Bra Barbie; Puttin’ Out Barbie.

Radical Feminist Barbie; Ratty Underwear Barbie; Rehab Barbie; Ripper Victim Barbie; Roadkill Barbie; Robin Hood: Ken in Tights; Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Barbie; Role-Playin’ Ken (comes w/ miniature multi-sided dice).

Saggy Breasts Barbie; Satan Spawn Skipper; Scab Pickin’ Skipper; Scabies Skipper; Schizophrenic Skipper; School Skippin’ Skipper; Scoliosis Skipper; Seat’s Up Ken (comes w/ bathroom playset); 7-Eleven Employee Barbie; Sex Shop Salesman Ken; Sexually Ambiguous Barbie (you think KEN’S confused?); Shar Pei Barbie; Shoppin’ Channel Addict Barbie; Shut Yo’ Mouth Skipper; Shrimp Boat Captain Ken; Six Pack Suckin’ Skipper; Skinnydippin’ Skipper; Skipped A Period Skipper; Slap Me Sober Skipper; Slimy Politician Ken; Slugfest Skipper (Jerry Springer Show playset sold separately); slyDexic neK; Smelly Kelly; Smooth Talkin’ Ken (not to be confused w/ Slimy Politician Ken); Snake Oil Sellin’ Ken; SNL Goatboy Ken; Snort ‘n’ Laugh Skipper; Snotnosed Brat Kelly; Society Matron Barbie; Spastic Colon Ken; Stalker Ken; Steroid Junkie Ken; Stinky Pits Barbie; Stinky Sneakers Skipper; Streakin’ Skipper; Stretch Barbie; Stretchmarks Barbie; Street Sweepin’ Ken; Streetwalkin’ Barbie (comes w/ extra high heels); Struck by Lightnin’ Barbie; Sugar Rush Kelly; Suicidal Ken (comes w/ noose, pills, gun, etc.); Sunburn Skipper; Super Stud Ken; Surrogate Mother Barbie; Swamp Creature Barbie; Swears Like a Sailor Skipper (comes w/ soap); Sweatshop Boss Barbie.

Table Dancin’ Barbie; Tabloid Psychic Barbie; Tattletale Kelly; Teenage Angst Skipper; Temper Tantrum Kelly; The Other Woman Barbie; Thong Bikini Barbie; Thong Bikini Ken; Thpeethch Impediment Thkipper; Thunder Thighs Barbie; Tickle Me Barbie; Tinkerbarbie; Titanic Nudie Barbie; Tongue Piercin’ Barbie; Too Many Cheetos Skipper (w/ orange teeth & fingers); Top Heavy Barbie; Topless Dancer Barbie; Touch Me There Barbie; Towel Snappin’ Ken (locker room buddies sold separately); Tubal Ligation Barbie (do it yourself sterilization!); Tummy Bulge Barbie; TV Junkie Kelly (has big round eyes); Two-Hand Touch Football Barbie (w/ hand prints on the front of her jersey and the back of her shorts).

Unabarbie; Underendowed Ken (believes he’s really Overendowed Ken); Uzi-Totin’ Barbie.

VD Clinic Playset (comes w/ a coupon for It’s Just A Rash Ken); Virgin Forever Barbie (screams when touched).

War of the Worlds Barbie (hot pink tripod War Machine sold separately); Ward of the Court Skipper; Wash That Crap Off Your Face Skipper (comes w/ too much makeup); Webbed Toes Barbie; Werewolf Barbie; Whiplash Victim Barbie; White House Intern Barbie (comes w/ kneepads); Wiccan Barbie; Witness Protection Bob (he’s not Ken--really!); Worm Farmer Barbie; “Would You Like Fries With That?” Barbie.

Yearly Bathtime Fun Ken; Young Republican Barbie.

Zit Poppin’ Skipper.

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