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WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?
WLIIA Chat Games
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PRESS CONFERENCE
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Game: Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene: Vranch is the first person to give a hair transplant to Clive
Anderson using her own hair.
WELCOME TO THIS HERE PRESS CONFERENCE. I'M BULGE TEMPTINGLY.
DO YOU FEEL THE COLD MORE NOW?
I BELIEVE MY BUM FELT TOO WARM, SO IT NEEDED VENTILATION.
WHAT TYPE OF EQUIPMENT WAS USED IN THE PROCEDURE?
A SHOVEL AND A GRAND PIANO.
ARE YOU GLAD YOU COULD HELP A FELLOW HUMAN?
YES, I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT HELPING OUT OTHERS IS A GREAT
THING, THAT'S WHY I THREW MYSELF INTO AN ICEBERG.
WHAT DID THE PATIENT LOOK LIKE BEFORE THE PROCEDURE?
BLUISH.
IS THE PATIENT STILL ON TV?
YES I BELIEVE HE IS.
AND DOES HE HOST A CERTAIN POPULAR IMPROVISATION COMEDY SHOW?
I DO HAVE A PhD YOU KNOW! YES, MR. ANDERSON IS DOING QUITE WELL.
I SUPPOSE HE DOESN'T SHINE NOW?
OH I KNOW - I DID A HAIR TRANSPLANT ON CLIVE!
You got it!!!!
WITH MY OWN HAIR!
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Game: Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene: Mochrie is the first person to make Richard Vranch talk.
I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL -- THE TWO OF YOU -- TO MY PRESS
CONFERENCE. BUT I SEE THAT TIME IS RUNNING SHORT, SO I WILL BEGIN
TAKING QUESTIONS NOW.
HAS THE PERSON IN QUESTION RETURNED TO HIS FORMER STATE?
YES...I BELIEVE HE IS DOING QUITE WELL AT THIS POINT.
HOW'D YOU DO IT?
YES, WE'RE ALL DYING TO KNOW HOW YOU MANAGED TO!
OH IT WASN'T TOO DIFFICULT. ALL IT TOOK WAS A LITTLE INGENUITY
AND A LOT OF CRAZY GLUE.
LOL!
???
Not even close!
I REALIZE THAT. PLEASE, MORE QUESTIONS.
DID TONY'S PANTS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?
IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT FEAT - A TRUE RARITY!
YES, THOUGH I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE ELSE TRY IT. BUT TONY'S
PANTS DID HAVE A SIGNIFICANT ROLE.
* Mochrie is quite confused.
Ah ha.
Hehe.
DID HE ACTUALLY DROP THEM?
OR *SPLIT* THEM?
NO, I WAS NOT AT THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE OF WHOSE LINE. Am I TONY
SLATTERY?
No.
STILL, WE HAVEN'T *HEARD* ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
INDEED, IT'S A MODERN MIRACLE!
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE. ... I HAVEN'T GOT A BLOODY CLUE WHAT I
AM!! :-)
FOR YEARS. NOT A SOUND THEN YOU DID IT...
* Mochrie bangs his head against the wall.
Augh!!!!!
Look at Slattery's last question.
You getting there yet?
ONLY MUSIC TILL YOU SHOWED UP...
AM I TONY'S UNDERWEAR?...OR LACK OF THEM?
LOL, no!
AND WHEN IT DID HAPPEN IT WAS OF SUCH EXCEEDING LOVELINESS THAT
WE FELL TO A DEAD FAINT?
WELL, *VRANCH* MAY HAVE!
Am I on the right track?
LOL!
Lightbulb moment?
DID NUCLEAR PHYSICS PLAY A PART?
ERRRRRR NO....DID YOU USE A PIANO FOR IT?
DID I FAINT DURING A HOEDOWN?
Hehe, No.
Nope. I can't believe how far off he is! It's actually pretty
funny - I'm glad I'm nearly alone in the lab.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
IT REALLY WAS SOMETHING WE HADN'T *HEARD* ON THE SHOW BEFORE!
DID YOU PULL HIS HAIR?
Where is all this going?!
HE DOESN'T DO IT OFTEN DOES HE? ONCE IN 10 YEARS ON THE SHOW
MAYBE?
I REPEAT, DID YOU PULL THAT LOVELY FLOP OF HAIR RIGHT OVER THOSE
RADIANT BLUE EYES?
???????? I give up!!!!! Argh!!!
Nooooooooooooooooo you've got to guess!!
OK then...
Oh, all right...you tell him.
Sorry, we tried to help.
We tried *hard*.
*Vranch* are you sure?
I am positive - and I will *say* that.
Do you want to *SAY* it?
Oh come on!! Please say it!
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
No you go ahead - I don't talk!
Let me endure this suffering no more!
You did once !!!!!!!!
You'll be kicking yourself when you find out.....
I'm sure I will.
Oh but only once!
(mock annoyance) Get on with it!
Ok, tell him.
C'mon Slattery tell him -- have mercy on him!
I feel mean now!!
Okay, I'll do it!
Please! you gotta tell me!
You made Richard talk.
You got Richard *VRANCH* to speak - oh miracle of miracles!
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Game: Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene: Vranch is the first person to receive a babboon's heart transplant.
WELCOME AGAIN TO THIS NEW PRESS CONFERENCE. ONCE AGAIN, I'M
BULGE TEMPTINGLY.
WHY DID YOU FEEL THIS PROCEDURE WAS NECESSARY?
BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A PNEUMATIC EEL.
TELL ME, MR. TEMPTINGLY, DO YOU HAVE ANY STRANGE CRAVING NOW THE
PROCEDURE HAS TAKEN PLACE ... SAY FOR FRUIT...?
INDEED I DO, IT IS A COMMON SIDE EFFECT.
WELL, WHAT EQUIPMENT WAS USED IN THE PROCEDURE?
I USED A DRILL, A PIANO, AND TONY SLATTERY'S PANTS!
HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY BODY PARTS THAT ARE NOW BRIGHTER THAN
BEFORE?
DID I TAKE A BATH IN CRANBERRY JUICE? ... YES, MY NOSE.
HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY CHANGE IN THE LENGTH OF YOUR ARMS?
YES, THEY HAVE GROWN INTOLERABLY LONG AND I AM NOW AN ANIMATRONIC
DEVICE.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A BANANA, MR. TEMPTINGLY?
IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK SYMBOLISM?
No, just a simple question...a simple, LEADING, question!
DID I TURN INTO A BABBOON? A MONKEY IN GENERAL?
DO YOU HAVE A SCAR..?
HOW LONG DID THE OPERATION TAKE?
DID I HAVE AN OPERATION TO BECOME A MONKEY?
* Mochrie slaps his forehead.
THREE HOURS AT LEAST!
Mercy! mercy! I can't go on!
You're so close!!
A CHIMPANZEE? TELL ME IF I'M GETTING CLOSER!
DO YOU FEEL DIFFERENT, INSIDE...?
I GOT A MONKEY'S HEART?
YESS!!!!!!!
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Game: Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene: Slattery rescued Clive Anderson from the top of the Empire State
Building.
LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND...OTHERS, THANK YOU FOR COMING. AS YOU KNOW
MY NAME IS SALTY BASKET. YOU MAY START YOUR QUESTIONS NOW....IF
YOU REALLY FEEL YOU HAVE TO THAT IS! :)
HOW GREAT A DISTANCE DID YOU COVER MR. BASKET?
TO THE MOON AND BACK...
DID YOU EVER FEEL THAT YOU WERE IN PERSONAL DANGER?
ONLY WHEN BITTEN BY THAT ARMY OF SUGAR ANTS....OUCH!
IT MUST SEEM THAT WAY. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CONSIDERED A HERO
NOW?
WAS THE GLARE OVERBEARING?
EVERYBODY IS A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY (gag), THE GLARE WAS NOT A
PROBLEM, INDUSTRIAL SUNGLASSES YOU SEE...
AND HOW DID YOU HOLD ON?
HELD ON WITH A COMBINATION OF TOOTHPICKS AND DENTAL FLOSS. AM I
ON A ROCKET?
Nope, not even close!
NOW DO YOU THINK THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE
ELSE TO DO THAT OR DO YOU DOUBT IT?
IF YOU WERE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE, WOULD YOU DO THIS AGAIN?
IN A HEARTBEAT...THE POLES?
SO YOU ARE QUITE FOND OF THE PERSON IN QUESTION THEN?
CLIVE IS SO LOVELY, HE REMINDS ME OF AUTUMN.....DECIDUOUS!
LOL, getting there!
DID YOUR FEAR OF HEIGHTS IMPEDE YOU IN ANY WAY?
I BROUGHT A STEP LADDER FOR THE JOB.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH?
I'M VERY CLOSE TO THE ENTIRE CAST....
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO REACH THE TOP?
2 MINUTES, I TOOK A LIFT...
LOL, no comment!
ARE YOU SURE YOU DID, MR. BASKET?
RYAN ALSO BENT DOWN, THAT HELPED.....???
* Mochrie snickers.
The image conjured up by this is too much to bear. -the ed.
Hehe!
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO GO TO NEW YORK IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Objection! Leading! :)
DOES THIS INVOLVE THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?
WERE YOU IMPRESSED BY THE MAN'S OBVIOUS DISTRESS?
* Mochrie apologizes for being so leading!
You know i'm just teasing, Moch!
I know, I know!
You are very very close.
ERR...HE DECIDED NOT TO JUMP ONCE WE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE NEW FULL
BODY HAIR REPLACEMENTS.
* Mochrie is ROTFL.
Is that close enough Moch? should we give it to her?
I don't know....she IS pretty close though.
Make her do an actual guess.
One more guess.
IS CLIVE GOING TO JUMP FROM THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND I
PERSUADED HIM NOT TO?...?????
Nope! Almost though.
Oh bum!
Let's tell her.
Sorry!
You climbed the Empire State Building and rescued Clive.
You saved Clive from the top of the ESB.
Oh well.
So I guess she had it.
:)
Yeah.
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Game: Press Conference
Players: DFW, Moosh, _Newman_, Philomela, Slattery
Scene: DFW is having Clive's baby.
WELCOME TO MY PRESS CONFERENCE. I'LL TAKE THE FIRST QUESTION.
<_Newman_> VERY WELL PUT. SO WHEN ARE YOU EXPECTING THIS TO OCCUR?
OH, AROUND MIDNIGHT.
<_Newman_> WOW.
WERE YOU NOT REPELLED?
I HAVE AN IRON STOMACH.
ARE YOU WELL PREPARED FOR YOUR NEW DUTIES?
YES, AFTER INTENSE TRAINING.
<_Newman_> HAVE YOU ALWAYS LIKED BRITISH MEN?
??? IT'S AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
<_Newman_> Heh heh!
IS THE PERSON IN QUESTION STANDING BY YOU?
HE'S IN THE CORNER.
IS THIS A LABOUR OF LOVE THEN ?
Objection! Leading! :)
Haha, sorry!
You-know-who always gives leading clues too - sigh!
IT MUST BE.
Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaa (Sorry, having a moment, there!)
* Slattery giggles.
<_Newman_> CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING? PICKLES MAYBE? OR ICE CREAM?
OR BOTH?
JUST SOME KETCHUP AND SAUERKRAUT.
Woowoo!
<_Newman_> Mmmm...
HOW DO YOU AVOID THE GLARE?
I LOVE BALD MEN, SO I HAVE A LARGE SUPPLY OF SUNGLASSES.
<_Newman_> WHY THAT BALD MAN? DO YOU LIKE ENTERTAINERS? AND DO YOU THINK
THE CHARACTERISTICS ARE INHERITED?
WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF QUESTIONS. GIVE ME A MINUTE. BALD MEN ARE
SEXY. I LIKE GAME SHOW HOSTS. (?)
Would you like to guess yet ?
IS THE LACK OF HAIR MADE UP FOR BY TESTOSTERONE OR IS THAT JUST
A RUMOUR?
LOL!
:)
Um, I'm having Clive's baby?
Yeah! Woowoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
<_Newman_> Congratulations!
* Philomela hands DFW her badge.
Yay!
Thank you, thank you! (lots of bowing)
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Game: Press Conference
Players: CQuentin, Josie^L, _McShane_, Mochrie, Stiles, Vranch
Scene: CQuentin persuaded Clive Anderson to sing with ABBA
OKEE, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TODAY, I'LL TAKE THE FIRST
QUESTION OVER THERE.
HOW EVER DID YOU CONVINCE HIM TO DO SO?
WELL IT WASN'T EASY, BUT WHEN I EXPLAINED THE SITUATION TO HIM
FULLY, ALL WAS AGREEABLE.
WAS IT DIFFICULT TO DO WHAT YOU DID?
WAS THIS SOME SORT OF RETURN-TO-HIS-ROOTS THING?
NOT AT ALL, VERY EASY UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
HOW DID HE FIND THE EXPERIENCE?
HOW WELL DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO DO?
NO, ONCE HE WAS PLANTED, HE WAS QUITE COMFY.
<_McShane_> WAS THEIR RECENT COMEBACK A DETERMINING FACTOR IN CHOOSING THEM?
I THINK HE'LL GROW INTO A NICE STRONG PLANT.
LOL!
<_McShane_> Huh?
WILL THEY RECORD TOGETHER?
HOW'S HIS VOICE?
*getting confused, but still trying*
HIS VOICE WAS FINE, ONCE MICHAEL GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH HIS
BROTHERS, AND WE GAVE HIM HIS OLD NOSE BACK, IT CAME TOGETHER.
What?! LOL!!
DID I FACILITATE A JACKSON 5 REUNION???
<_McShane_> Good guess, but no.
Not quite, but good.
WILL THEY BE HEARD IN BRITAIN AS WELL OR ONLY IN THEIR NATIVE
COUNTRY?
ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WILL HEAR THEM.
IS HE THE DANCING KING EVERYONE SAYS HE IS?
WILL THEY BE ALL NEW TRACKS, OR WILL THEY DO NEW VERSIONS OF
THEIR CLASSICS?
AHH YES, MR. FLATTERY (Forgive the spelling!) WILL BE BACK WITH
RIVERDANCE IN FULL GEAR!
<_McShane_> ARE YOU CONCERNED THAT DISCO IS DEAD?
NEVER WILL IT DIE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PLACE FOR THE BEE
GEES!
LOL!
<_McShane_> WELL, GREAT FOR THE BEE GEES, BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM
NOW, ARE WE? :-)
HOW CONCERNED ARE YOU WITH GENDER BALANCE IN THE GROUP?
BUT OF COURSE WE CAN NEVER FORGET THE STYLINGS OF THE VILLAGE
PEOPLE.
HOW WELL CAN HE COMMUNICATE WITH THEM SINCE HE DOESN'T SPEAK
SWEDISH?
<_McShane_> I GUESS IT'S FITTING BEING A EUROPEAN GROUP, EH?
WAS THE RECORDING SESSION DONE IN SWEDEN, OR IN SOME OTHER
LOCATION?
I think you're supposed to lead :) anyhoo.....
<_McShane_> Besides, that's only the beginning... bwah hah hah hah
WELL, ABBA MANAGED TO DO WELL NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH, SO ELVIS
WILL DO JUST FINE.
<_McShane_> AREN'T YOU CONCERNED THAT ELVIS IS DEAD?
ARE YOU SURE THIS MAN IS DEAD?
OR IS HE JUST TALLER THAN HIS HAIR?
NO, CAUSE I'VE BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE!
IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS WORK WITH THE GROUP, WILL THE GROUP RETURN
THE FAVOUR?
<_McShane_> WILL HE LEAVE TELEVISION TO PURSUE HIS MUSICAL CAREER FULL TIME,
OR WILL HE KEEP HIS REGULAR TV JOB TOO?
WILL THIS GROUP APPEAR ON HIS TALK SHOW?
JOHN TRAVOLTA WILL NOT KEEP HIS REGULAR TV JOB.
Augh!!!!
<_McShane_> What regular job does John Travolta have?
Sorry, I ran out of 70's guys with big hair, I have to officially
give up!
* Mochrie gives an exasperated sigh!
* Vranch slaps her forehead - evidently Deej didn't chatch that reference!
WHAT HAIR?
<_McShane_> WELL, SINCE HE'S EUROPEAN, HE SHOULD DO OK WITH A EUROPEAN
BAND, EH?
JOHN DAVIDSON WILL BE HAPPY TO HAVE THE GROUP ON.
?!?!
<_McShane_> You got the group, right?
I think we've established ABBA.
<_McShane_> Yes.
IS HE ALSO TALLER THAN HIS NECK?
...OR IS IT BLOWING BUBBLE GUM?
<_McShane_> NOW THIS EUROPEAN TV HOST THAT YOU'RE INTRODUCING TO ABBA, HOW
DID YOU DO IT?
I SIMPLY GOT CLIVE AND ABBA TOGETHER OVER A NICE DINNER.
Yes!
Sha-wing!!
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Game: Press Conference
Players: Dr_Nick, Dr_Ryan, JonPryce, PeterCook, Stiles, Toksvig
Scene: Dr_Ryan is pregnant with Tony Slattery's baby
YES, HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY PRESS CONFERENCE. DID EVERYONE GET
THEIR COMPLIMENTARY TWIGLETS? ALRIGHTY THEN, WE'LL JUST GET
STARTED. YES? YES, A QUESTION FROM THE KIND, SWEET, ADORABLE,
HANDSOME GENTLEMAN IN THE BACK? THE ONE THAT CERTAINLY DOESN'T
DESERVE TO BE MADE FUN OF?
SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ABOUT THIS?
OH, FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO, NOT VERY LONG.
NEXT QUESTION.
WAS THE BEGINNING FUN?
WELL, NOT VERY, I WAS PARTLY UNCONSCIOUS, BUT I DID ENJOY THE
FREE DOUGHNUTS.
YOU MUST HAVE HEARD THE RUMOURS?
NO I CAN'T READ. NEXT!