City Saturday Nite

by Eli Jean Weintraub

"City Saturday Nite" was originally read by Short Attention Span Theater on July 2, 2003, at the Bracket Park Community Center. The cast was:

THE HOST: Tom Sherohman
JANIE: Laura Wiebers
JILL: Karen Batdorf
LAUREN: Laura Wiebers
DEXTER: Ben Chadwick
BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #945: Gigi Jensen
BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #581: Anne Bertram
STAGE DIRECTIONS: Dan Pinkerton

Cheesy game show theme music and canned APPLAUSE. The HOST enters. The HOST is a child in a gaudy jacket and pants that don't quite match. The HOST will be onstage, to the side of the action, throughout.

THE HOST: It's the game show sensation the whole country is wild about, where we show you the best in everything our country's urban centers have to offer. It's "City Saturday Nite!"

Canned APPLAUSE.

Let's meet Jill, our first contestant. And here's the first clue for folks playing along at home: Jill lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

JILL is a well-dressed Caucasian in her mid-twenties. She walks along a street, talking on a cell phone.

JILL: You don't have time for that, Lauren....Because I'm on my way over now....Yes, right now.

JILL stops walking.

I'll be there in fifteen...because I'm standing at the place where my car is parked.

She looks around.

Only...the car's not here....My car. Oh, my God! My car is gone!...Yes, I'm sure this is where I parked it. Lauren! My car's been stolen!

HOST: I'm sorry. Our judges have ruled that answer incorrect. And here's clue number two: it's the second Saturday in February.

Someone off-stage tosses JILL a coat, which she puts on.

JILL: Lauren! My car's been towed!

HOST: That's right, Jill. You've been towed!

Canned APPLAUSE.

Tell her what she's won, Janie!

'JANIE' is a cheerful recorded voice.

JANIE: Thank you for calling the Minneapolis Snow Emergency hotline. The snow emergency ended at 5:00 today, and parking restrictions have been lifted. However, vehicles ticketed during the snow emergency can be towed for the next 76 hours.

HOST: Yes, Jill, you've won a romantic, no-expenses-paid trip for two to the Minneapolis Police Impound Lot, the hub of Minnesota's winter social scene!

Canned APPLAUSE.

And don't forget, you can win this fabulous prize more than once, like our second contestant, Dexter.

DEXTER is a well-dressed African-American in his mid twenties. He walks along a street, keys in hand, whistling, and then freezes.

DEXTER: Aw, shit.

He pulls a cell phone from his coat pocket and dials.

Miguel, dude, the city fuckers towed my baby again. Can you get me to the impound lot?

HOST: That's right, Dexter. You can visit this 'happening' spot over and over again. And you'll want to!

JILL and LAUREN (the same age as JILL but less well-off) enter the pay center. DEXTER sits in a hard plastic chair playing solitaire.

JILL: There's at least thirty people in here.

DEXTER: You should've been here this morning. Two hours just to get inside the building.

LAUREN: But it's, like, a degree out.

DEXTER: Welcome to the cold, cruel world of the snow emergency.

BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #945 is a dispassionate woman behind a counter.

BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #945: Number 52. Number 52.

LAUREN (To JILL): What's your number?

JILL: 68.

She flops into a chair.

I'm going to be here forever.

DEXTER (Holding out cards): You play?

JILL: Play what?

DEXTER: Anything. It's going to be a long wait; we might as well entertain ourselves. We could make it interesting. Say...loser pays winner's impound fee?

JILL: Are you sure you could afford that?

DEXTER raises an eyebrow.

Sorry.

DEXTER: Now you have to play.

JILL and LAUREN sit. DEXTER hands the cards to JILL.

Ladies' choice.

JILL starts to deal.

JILL: Five-card draw, nothing wild....

HOST: When your turn comes, you'll be awed and reassured by the competence and compassion of these hard-working city employees.

Canned APPLAUSE.

JILL (To DEXTER): You're bluffing.

945: Number 63.

JILL: You have to be bluffing.

DEXTER: You sure about that?

945: Number 63.

LAUREN: They're calling you, Dexter.

DEXTER: Yeah, hey. 63. That's me.

JILL: Go. I was about to fold, anyway.

DEXTER rushes to the counter. He is at all times pleasant, cooperative, and unfailingly polite.

945: Drivers' license and proof of current insurance.

DEXTER: Here's my license. The insurance card's in the car.

945: Is the car registered in your name?

DEXTER: Yes.

945 takes DEXTER's license, scribbles on a slip of paper, and hands it to him.

945: Take this to the gate attendants. One of them will walk you to your car. I keep your license until you get back.

DEXTER: Thank you, ma'am.

He returns to LAUREN and JILL.

LAUREN: Get your baby sprung?

DEXTER: Almost. Be right back.

HOST: Enjoy a guided tour of our state-of-the-art facilities.

DEXTER steps out of the building. BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #581 is a gate attendant, a woman well bundled against the cold.

BELEAGUERED CITY EMPLOYEE #581: Slip.

DEXTER hands her the slip.

Aisle K. Come with me.

She and DEXTER trudge through the snow. DEXTER slips on the ice several times.

DEXTER (Pointing ahead): There she is. Thank you.

DEXTER gets into the car and roots through the glove compartment. 581 stands in front of the car, arms crossed.

581: Find it?

DEXTER: Uh, yeah. I was just--

581 glares. DEXTER gets out of the car. He and 581 'walk' throughout the next scene.

945: Number 68. Number 68.

JILL: That's me!

She crosses to counter.

945: Drivers' license and proof of insurance, ma'am.

JILL: Here's the license, but the proof of insurance is in the car.

945: That's all right. Take this card to the gate attendants, and they'll show you where your car is. Then you come back here and pay.

DEXTER enters the building.

JILL: Need to hold onto my license?

945: No, ma'am.

JILL crosses to LAUREN and DEXTER.

JILL: They didn't want my license.

DEXTER (sarcastically): You don't say.

JILL: Huh?

DEXTER: Go. Get your insurance card. They'll walk you to your car.

JILL leaves the building. DEXTER crosses to the counter.

945: Please step to the end of the line.

DEXTER: But I just went to get my insurance card.

945: These gentlemen were next. You'll have to wait until Tom comes back.

DEXTER sits next to LAUREN and glowers.

DEXTER: I'll just wait for Tom, then.

HOST: Be sure to take advantage of all the conveniences we have to offer.

Outside, JILL approaches 581.

581: Hello, ma'am.

JILL holds out the slip, which 581 takes.

Aisle J. All the way down at the end of this row. Stay on the snowy areas to the sides; the packed part is really slick.

JILL: You don't need to walk me to it?

581: Nah.

HOST: After an evening of vigorous activity, relax in the Fireside Lounge, which has a rustic atmosphere - but all the amenities.

Canned APPLAUSE.

LAUREN: This is the least comfortable chair I've ever sat in. My butt's about to stage a revolt.

DEXTER: Then don't sit by me. I don't want your agitant ass giving my ass ideas.

LAUREN laughs loudly, drawing a disapproving look from 945.

LAUREN: I like you, Dexter.

DEXTER: You're not too bad, yourself. Jill's okay, too.

LAUREN: She's a good kid.

DEXTER: She doesn't quite get it, does she?

LAUREN: She's learning. But she grew up in Iowa. Her exposure to diversity there was people who grew soybeans instead of corn.

LAUREN looks around.

Ooh! Pop machine. Don't mind if I do.

DEXTER: Don't bother. That thing hasn't worked since Papa Bush's administration. You didn't want it, anyway.

LAUREN: Oh, but I did.

DEXTER: No. You think the chairs are scary, you should check out the can.

HOST: When the time comes to settle your account, our courteous staff will be happy to assist you with any problems that may arise.

DEXTER has returned to the counter.

945: How are you paying?

DEXTER: Cash.

945: Cash?

DEXTER: You do take cash, don't you? It's still legal tender and all.

945: $128.40

DEXTER: It's those last forty cents that really break a guy.

He pulls a large wad of cash from his pocket and puts it on the counter. 945 will count it twice.

I'd like my sixty cents change, please.

Midway through 945's second count, JILL enters and crosses to LAUREN.

JILL: I'm back. He didn't tell me I was walking to South Dakota.

LAUREN: Pay the woman; I want out of here.

JILL (To DEXTER): She didn't walk me to my car. Did you say something to piss her off?

DEXTER: Are you real? You can't possibly be real.

JILL: Huh?

945: You can come right up, ma'am.

DEXTER: Pay the woman, Jill.

JILL: I don't need to take another number?

945: We won't make you sit through all that again. How will you be paying tonight?

JILL: Credit card.

945 runs JILL's card through a credit card machine and returns it.

945: You're all set, ma'am.

JILL: Thank you. Have a nice night.

945 shows her first emotion of the night; it is cynical despair.

945: I doubt it.

HOST: The connections you make here in the Minneapolis Police Impound Facility can blossom into friendships that will last a lifetime. Because strengthening our community is the ultimate goal of every city employee!

LAUREN: Can I go home now?

JILL (Hugging LAUREN): Yeah. Thank you so much for the ride.

LAUREN: Anytime. Good to meet you, Dexter.

DEXTER: You, too, Lauren. Take care of yourself.

LAUREN: And, Jill, when I say 'anytime,' I mean it metaphorically. I never want to do this again.

She exits. JILL and DEXTER exit together and approach 581.

581: Slip, please.

DEXTER hands her the slip.

581: Aisle K.

DEXTER: Where's your car at, Jill?

JILL: Aisle J.

JILL hands her slip to 581.

DEXTER: I'll walk with you.

581 (To JILL): If you want to wait a minute, ma'am, the cruiser should be back, and the officer will drive you back to your car.

JILL (Points to DEXTER): You didn't offer him a ride.

581 shrugs.

I'll go with him, thanks.

JILL and DEXTER walk away from 581.

DEXTER: You didn't have to do that.

JILL: There's only so many times people can piss me off in one night before even a well-bred Midwesterner like me gets mad enough to...to just...

DEXTER: Swear?

JILL: Well, maybe not that mad.

DEXTER (Laughing): I appreciate it. Though I wouldn't have taken the ride anyway.

JILL: No? It's a degree out.

DEXTER: The last thing I need is a ride in a police cruiser. Although, come to think of it, that would be quite the capper for the night I've had.

JILL: Oh! I forgot! I owe you - for the impound fee--

DEXTER: I was joking.

JILL: We lost the game.

DEXTER: Jill, it was a joke.

JILL: Well, okay. But let me buy you a cup of coffee or a beer or something.

DEXTER: You don't have to do that.

JILL: No, but I want to.

DEXTER: I really don't think--

JILL: Dexter, you have sixty cents in your pockets.

DEXTER: Fine. Coffee. You know, Jill, you're all right.

JILL: I'm learning. I'm from Iowa, you know.

DEXTER: Yeah. Lauren said. I am, too.

HOST: With "City Saturday Nite," everyone goes home a winner! That's why it's the game show sensation the whole country is wild about. Join us next week, won't you, when we'll send two lucky contestants to...the emergency room! Good night, everybody!

Cheesy game show theme music and canned APPLAUSE as the HOST waves good-by until lights fade to black.

CURTAIN.

Go home.