A: Honestly, I can't quite explain why Asians seem to cluster around other Asians. It's strange, isn't it? I didn't really notice it until last year, but seriously....Asians tend to hang out with other Asians. I'm not sure if this is the same case for other races, but it definetly holds true for the Chinese.
Did I spell "definetly" right? I hate that word. I'm too annoyed to load up Word to look it up.
So, allow me to explain why Asians tend to hang out with other Asians. To put it simply, it's because people of other races LOOK FUNNY.
Yes, you read me right. White people, black people, red people, brown people, and Eskimos....they all look funny when compared with the physical perfection that is Asian. Our women are beautiful. Our men are even better.
So why would I want to hang out with a funny-looking Bolivian when I could be spending some quality time with a fine Asian woman?
Wake up people. Slanted eyes are cool.
Q: Dear Eric....your page has a certain disturbance to it. What is the strongest substance you've ever abused? And were you on it when you built this page? - Mr. "I'm not the DEA" (Bill Ferrell)
A: What is the strongest substance I've ever abused? That is an interesting question, since I have technically never ABUSED any of the substances I've used.
Hell, I just used them.
Never abused them.
So your question is moot.
However, I will admit that my blood caffeine concentration is generally at its peak when I update. You may also find some traces of acid, angel dust, speed, weed, crack, heroine, PCP, Tylenol, and Robutissin BA in my blood as well.
Thank for asking.
Q: Dear Eric, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? - Eddie Barry
A: Let's get one thing straight here. I don't like Tootsie Pops. Heck, I don't even like lollipops. I like Tootsie Rolls even less. I never understood their appeal. They're like....little turds wrapped up in wax paper. And they stick to your teeth and taste bad too, just like turds.
By the way, I hate Milk Duds too. Gross.
But Sweetarts rule. They rock my world.
So go figure it out yourself you nincompoop.
Q: Dear Eric, why're you so gay? - Eddie Barry
A: Who the heck are you? Are you anybody? I'm going to destroy you. I'm going to pummel your face six feet under! How dare you insinuate such a thing? How dare you come into my webpage and ask me such a question?!? Why, I ought to take a hot knife to your belly, grab your intestines, and squeeze the crap out of you. I'm going to find you Mr. Barry.
Okay, so I AM gay. So what? What's the big deal? People are gay all the time. I'm sure even you've been gay at least once or twice in your life. Why do people think me being gay is such a weird thing? Heck, my roommate Scott is gay at least once a week, and I'm not counting weekends.
So leave me alone, or I'll return the favor. You don't want that.
Q: Dear Eric, why are you so sexy? - John Jimenez
A: I'm Eric Cheung! I'm the sexiest man on the planet! You want to see a sexy man? You need look no further! I'm yo' sexy man! I'm so sexy, . Look at my nose! It's so big! That's sexy!
My name is Eric "Sexy-Fiend of Doom" Cheung! "Sexy-Fiend of Doom" is my middle name. My mom gave that name to me when I was only 3 years old. It was so obvious, even back then. I will be appearing at the Hot Asian Imports Calender 2002, due in stores late October.
The secret to my sexiness are the moles on the right side of my face. I have 6 moles there on my cheek and upper jawbone. If you take a magic marker and connect the dots, you will see that they form the Big-Dipper. No kiddin'. It was destined by the heavens. I am the North Star. I am your constant reminder that there is someone out there sexier than YOU. I am the axis of the universe. I am the Chosen One.
Q: Dear Eric, my name is Merve the Perv. I'm Irv's little brother. You should update your quotes and this section a little bit more. - Merv
A: Dear Mr. Edward Barry of Emerson Hall 122B, 565 Oxford Circle, Davis CA 95616-3395. I know you are not the real Merv. You cannot fool me. You have underestimated my deductive skills. Through years of training, meditation, and self-imposed isolation, I have been successful in tuning my mind so that I may extract the deepest secrets of any individual. Just call me Plaktu's protege. I know who you really are.
And is that even a question? Last time I checked, questions ended with a "question mark".
Q: Dear Eric, is it true that you are studying Biophysics or whatever the hell it is you're studying just because you wish to learn how to bring Belldandy to life from an animation cel so that she may be your eternal sex slave? If so, hooks me up with Misato! - Bill Ferrell
A: Dear Bill, to be perfectly honest, I had never really considered doing that with my Biology major. My original purpose in undertaking a Biology Major was so that I may fufill my premed requirements and apply to medical school in my senior year. I did it because I wanted to help people who were less fortunate than I am, whose health, jobs, and futures are put into jeopardy. I had hoped to travel around the world, and hopefully help to set up clinics in desolate regions of Africa whose natives are plagued by droughts, plagues, and indifferent governments.
Well, screw that.
It's time for Rei IV.
Q: Dear Eric, you are coolest. We should build a town together called Coolsville. And when people ask us the name of our town, we will say "Welcome to Coolsville.....Population : us! - anonymous
A: Right.
