Jealousy
Fandom: Phantom Menace
Category: Discipline
Archive: Persuaders for sure, if you want it :)
Feedback: Is welcomed
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to
George Lucas. It's all his, it's not mine, I make no
money, and I only write about these guys because I
love them so much. :)
Summary: Having been secretly in love with his Master
for years, Obi-Wan is struck by a sudden and very
severe case of jealousy when he sees someone else
flirting with Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan had not thrown a tantrum - not a really good
yelling, throwing things, out of control tantrum -
since he was four.
And he had been spanked for that one, too.
Now, here he was some sixteen years later, lying on a
ridiculously large bed in his very lavish temporary
quarters and *not* celebrating the coronation of the
King of Thrin, which was what he should have been
doing. Instead, he was nursing a sore backside and a
heavy heart, and wondering what in the Force had
possessed him to act as he had done. Although, if he
were to be truly honest with himself, he knew very
well what had possessed him.
Jealousy.
Obi-Wan sighed, and allowed his mind to drift back to
the events that had ultimately led him to this rather
undignified position...
Obi-Wan stood beside his Master as the ritual words of
the coronation were spoken, and the new King of Thrin
stepped forward solemnly to receive the blessing of
his people. Their mission - to witness the coronation
as representatives of the Republic - was now
officially completed, although they would be expected
to stay for the celebrations.
It hardly rated the term 'mission', Obi-Wan thought
with a faint smile. But that was the whole point.
Their last six months had been exceedingly stressful;
mission after hair-raising mission had been placed in
their hands with barely a day between them. Obi-Wan
had been badly injured twice in that time, and by the
end of their last assignment, he had felt that both he
and his Master were nearing the breaking point.
Thankfully, the council had agreed with them, and had
promised them some down time on Coruscant as soon as
this last very simple mission was completed.
They had arrived last night, and after meeting with
the young King and his advisors, and being informed
what their role would be in the proceedings - Obi-Wan
had privately summed it up as 'Stand there and look
like Jedi' - they had been shown to an extremely
impressive suite of rooms and left to their own
devices. Their own devices had in this case consisted
of a brief discussion about their responsibilities in
the ceremony, followed by collapsing into bed. Very
large and impressive beds, at that. In fact, the beds
were so large that Obi-Wan had felt somewhat dwarfed
by his, and had attempted to stretch out as much as
possible in order to make the wretched thing seem a
little less imposing.
The next day was the coronation ceremony, which had
begun in the early afternoon and lasted until the
actual coronation at dusk. As soon as the sun had set,
the ritual words were spoken and the coronation
ceremony completed, and now Obi-Wan was watching the
new King greet the people he would rule and serve.
The King gave a short address which was broadcast
planetwide, pausing at the end to acknowledge the two
Jedi as the representatives of the Republic, and then
bid them all to join in the celebrations that would
doubtless be taking place all over the planet, and
would last for several days. When he ended his speech,
the various politicians and dignitaries began to make
their way through into what Obi-Wan had termed the
'palace party room' - an enormous split level hall
with a large centre fountain, multiple mezzanine
floors, and a vast collection of terraces and
balconies, protruding from the walls in a giant jigsaw
puzzle of construction, all the way up to the soaring
ceiling.
Obi-Wan thought that even if the occasion in question
was an exercise in boredom, one could amuse oneself by
exploring the multitude of balconies and levels and
sampling the different views available. Perhaps that
had been the whole point in it's design.
The celebration *was* boring, and Obi-Wan eventually
reached his tolerance limit for chatting with
simpering politicians and excused himself to do his
exploring. He didn't actually think he'd be up for
much wandering around - he was still tired, despite a
good night's sleep, and he was already starting to
develop one of the headaches he had been prone to
since his last injury. However, he thought he might be
able to find a convenient place to hide that would
save him from any further meaningless conversations.
He was aware that this was not proper behaviour for a
Jedi Padawan - he should have been out among the
public; if not actually trailing behind his Master
then at least in sight of him - but he just couldn't
face it. After what they had been though recently,
Qui-Gon would not reprimand him for it, he was sure.
Well, fairly sure, anyway.
After a little bit of investigation, he found a rather
nice hiding place on a balcony two floors up. The
balcony in question had the consideration to be both
dimly lit and uninhabited, and Obi-Wan promptly
adopted it. From this position, he could look down on
the main floor and keep an eye on things...and also
keep an eye on Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan spotted him
immediately, talking with the new King and his current
circle of admirers. He figured that if, by some
horrible chance, the celebration was suddenly
interrupted by an outbreak of war, or an uprising
against the King, or a horde of marauding pirates - in
fact by anything up to and including fire, flood, and
wild dogs - he would be able to simply jump off the
balcony and be at Qui-Gon's side in mere moments.
A moment later he shook his head at the direction his
thoughts were taking. / Wild dogs? Unlikely. / He
considered for a moment. / Possible...but unlikely. /
Perhaps he *should* see the healers about his head
again.
He continued to watch Qui-Gon as his Master shadowed
the new King through the crowd. Qui-Gon was too far
away for Obi-Wan to see his face, but he didn't need
to - he had seen Qui-Gon in operation many times
before, and could picture it exactly. His Master would
greet everyone he was introduced to with a pleasant
smile, appearing relaxed and even relatively informal,
for a Jedi - but his eyes would scan constantly, on
the lookout for trouble. Obi-Wan knew that the relaxed
posture could, if necessary, be abandoned for a battle
stance in a matter of seconds.
He smiled, a little dreamily. A great deal of the time
it was truly awful to be unrequitedly in love with
one's Master...but there were other times when it was
really rather nice.
Obi-Wan had long since accepted that his so-called
'Padawan crush' on his Master simply was not going to
go away. He knew in his heart that it was no crush,
either. He had been in love with Qui-Gon for the last
four years...even longer than that if he counted the
actual crush phase which had preceded it. It could be
anything from difficult to wonderful, depending on the
situation, but in all that time he had never spoken of
it to anyone. He sometimes had the vague suspicion
that Qui-Gon knew - he had become very paranoid for a
while, wondering whether he talked in his sleep when
they shared quarters - but if he did know, he had
never said anything directly.
/ Probably figures I'll get over it, / Obi-Wan thought
morosely, his mood darkening. He sighed. Sometimes he
wished fiercely that he could just tell Qui-Gon and
get it over with. But he knew what the reaction would
be if he did.
/ "I'm honoured, Padawan, *but*." /
Relationships between Masters and Padawans were not
unheard of - they were not encouraged, but provided
the Padawan was over the age of consent, they were not
condemned either. However, Obi-Wan knew that Qui-Gon
would never agree to a relationship with someone he
had such power over. Obi-Wan knew him well enough to
know the way his mind worked, and so he also knew that
with Qui-Gon's sense of justice, he would see such a
thing as...unfair.
The only chance Obi-Wan had was to wait until he was
Knighted and try his luck then.
He sighed again and directed his attention back to
Qui-Gon, who was still surreptitiously watching the
King's back. Technically, guarding the King was not
part of their mission - it had not been thought
necessary; the new ruler had been fairly elected and
was very popular. However, Qui-Gon had probably
decided that as long as he was here, it was better to
be safe than sorry.
/ And I'm skulking in the shadows instead of watching
his back, / Obi-Wan thought with a flash of guilt.
/ Some Padawan I am. Maybe I should go back down and
mingle. /
He made a face. His head still hurt, and he really
wasn't in the mood for mingling. However, after
several long minutes of wrestling with his conscience,
his headache was finally forced to admit defeat. / All
right, I'll go back down. Any minute now. /
He cast another glance down at Qui-Gon, and frowned.
His Master was now chatting with a young dark-haired
woman who was standing *very* close to him. So close,
in fact, that she couldn't be doing anything but
flirting with him. He sighed. It was hardly the first
time - women tended to fawn over his Master,
especially if they had had a few drinks and were no
longer as intimidated by his Jedi status.
/ I should go down and rescue him, / he thought. It
wouldn't be the first time for that, either. Sometimes
Qui-Gon would send him a little push through their
bond when he really needed an escape, but Obi-Wan
could often preempt that now. / She'll just get
offended when he doesn't take her up on it and it'll
get all ugly. Besides, I was going to go back down
anyway. I can't just hide up here all night. /
Casting a last wistful glance around his balcony, he
headed back out into the throng, aiming for the
stairs. He made it down to the next level unmolested,
but once there he was immediately waylaid by an
elderly dignitary and his wife, who had apparently
spoken to Qui-Gon earlier and were delighted to find
*another* Jedi to chat with. Obi-Wan slipped
automatically into diplomat mode and exchanged
pleasantries with as much charm as he could muster.
Unfortunately, that only encouraged the elderly couple
to talk more, and it was a good ten minutes before he
was able to extricate himself, politely explaining
that it had been a pleasure talking to them but he
really had to find his Master now. Thankfully, they
let him go at that, and he shot off down the stairs
before anyone else could talk to him.
Once on the main floor, he headed straight for the
spot where he had last seen Qui-Gon. However, on
reaching it, he found the King and his circle but
Qui-Gon was nowhere to be seen. Surprised, he turned
to scan the room. It took him two sweeps to find his
Master, and when he did, he simply froze, staring.
Qui-Gon had taken a seat on one of the ornate benches
that ringed the fountain in the centre of the room.
The dark-haired young woman who had been flirting with
him earlier was sitting next to him - and she was
sitting *close*. She was speaking, gesturing
earnestly, and Qui-Gon was smiling broadly at her.
Suddenly she laughed, and Obi-Wan saw with a sudden
flash of jealousy that she was very pretty. And from
the look of it, Qui-Gon seemed to think so too.
Obi-Wan tried to tamp down the rush of envy that
surged within him as Qui-Gon smiled down at the girl.
He knew he was being foolish - he had watched Qui-Gon
have conversations with countless people over the
years, not a few of them more than interested in
pursuing something with the tall, commanding Jedi, and
it had never affected him like this.
/ It's just because I'm tired, / he told himself. / It's
been a long six months, that's all. There's no need to
be jealous - he's just being pleasant. /
Qui-Gon laughed unrestrainedly at something the girl
said, and Obi-Wan had to close his eyes for a moment.
/ I'm too tired for this, / he thought desperately. / I
should just excuse myself and go to bed. He won't even
notice I'm gone. / The thought made him frown. / Yes,
and that's the problem, isn't it? / he asked himself
bitterly. / He *won't* notice I'm gone. And more than
anything I wish he would. /
Taking a deep breath to control his jealousy and
irritation, he turned to go. He wanted out of this
party, right now, before he embarrassed himself.
"Obi-Wan!"
Qui-Gon's voice stopped him dead in his tracks and he
groaned inwardly. / Damn it, why did he have to see
me? / He turned to see his Master beckoning to him, and
crossed to him reluctantly. "Yes, Master?"
Qui-Gon smiled at him. "I was wondering where you'd
got to. Have you been exploring?"
"A little, Master," Obi-Wan said flatly. He was
already feeling more jealous than he ever remembered
feeling in his life and he badly wanted to get away
from Qui-Gon and the woman before something happened
to make him feel even worse.
Qui-Gon's eyebrow lifted slightly at his Padawan's
tone, but he made no comment on it. "Obi-Wan, I'd like
you to meet Jalmea Vallin; she is also a visitor
here."
Obi-Wan turned a flat glare on the young woman.
"Pleased to meet you," he said, knowing he sounded
anything but. "Master, if you will excuse me I think
I'm going to go to bed." He turned on his heel and
started to walk away. He heard a rustling behind him
and knew that his Master had got up to follow him, but
he didn't stop until he heard his voice.
"Obi-Wan, stop right there." He did, and turned to
find his Master looking distinctly annoyed. "Padawan,
what has got into you?"
"Nothing," Obi-Wan said dully, directing his gaze at
the floor.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "Don't give me that, Obi-Wan.
You were inexcusably rude. I have never seen you act
like that before."
Obi-Wan looked briefly up at his Master, then back at
the floor. He didn't reply.
"All right," Qui-Gon said, and Obi-Wan could hear the
irritation in his voice. "If this is how you are going
to behave, perhaps you should go to bed. But before
you do, you will make your apologies to Jalmea and you
will explain to the King that you are retiring."
Obi-Wan looked up sharply at that. "I will not," he
said petulantly. He was more than a little surprised
at his own impudence, but the words were out before he
could call them back.
Qui-Gon crossed his arms and leveled his most
intimidating glare at his apprentice. "You will do as
I say, Padawan."
Obi-Wan's chin lifted. "No," he said angrily. "I'm
tired, I have a headache and I want to go to bed. And
I'm going, *now*." He turned deliberately and started
to stalk off, only to be brought up short by Qui-Gon's
voice, which was now grim and deadly.
"Padawan, you will *not* turn your back on me."
Obi-Wan turned back, his eyes flashing. "Fuck you," he
said defiantly. He heard several shocked murmurs from
those nearby, but right at that moment he didn't care.
Lifting his chin, he turned to walk out.
He hadn't taken more than three steps when Qui-Gon was
suddenly at his side, hand clamping around his upper
arm. "Come with me, Padawan," Qui-Gon hissed. "And do
so quietly, or you will regret it."
Qui-Gon sounded so angry that Obi-Wan was startled
into obedience, despite his contrary mood. He made no
protest as Qui-Gon led him out of the hall and down
the long corridors to their quarters. Neither of them
spoke on the walk; Obi-Wan had the distinct suspicion
that Qui-Gon was struggling very hard to control his
anger and did not want to speak in case that control
lapsed.
Obi-Wan, for his part, was rather shocked at the turn
events had taken, and did not really know what to say.
He thought about the fact that he had just said "Fuck
you" to his Master, felt slightly nauseous and decided
not to think about it again. He then remembered
Qui-Gon smiling down at Jalmea and felt jealous all
over again. After that, he thought about the fact that
all he had wanted to do was go to bed quietly, but
Qui-Gon couldn't even let him do that. That made him
angry all over again too, and by the time they did
finally reach their quarters he was well geared up for
a fight. Some small part of him was dimly alarmed by
what was happening, but the rest was too jealous and
angry to care.
Qui-Gon opened the door and entered, pulling Obi-Wan
in with him. The door swished shut behind them and
Qui-Gon released his hold on Obi-Wan, turning away for
a long moment. When he turned back, his expression was
almost calm.
"Padawan, I want an explanation for that disgraceful
display."
Obi-Wan glared up at him. "The explanation is simple.
I'm tired, my head hurts and I wish to go to bed. I
was trying to do just that."
"And being blatantly disrespectful to me in public was
helping you to achieve that?" Qui-Gon asked. The anger
was back on his face now.
"You wouldn't even have noticed I'd gone!" Obi-Wan
snapped. "If you'd just let me bloody well leave none
of this would have happened!"
"Padawan!" Qui-Gon's voice cracked like a whip. "I
will not tolerate such disrespect from you!"
"It's not disrespect, it's a fact!" Obi-Wan retorted.
"I just wanted to go to bed in peace! You could have
stayed and partied all bloody night for all I care!"
It came out as a snarl. He was really angry now; more
angry than he could remember being in a long, long
time.
"Stop swearing at me, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, his
voice dangerously quiet. "I will not tell you again."
"Oh, screw you!" Obi-Wan hissed. "Go back to your damn
party!"
Qui-Gon's face darkened in fury. "Padawan, you are
treading a very fine line with me right now," he said
coldly. "I would strongly suggest that you consider
the consequences before you speak again."
"I don't care about the damn consequences!" Obi-Wan
said furiously. He turned blindly, clenching his fists
impotently at his sides in an effort to control
himself. A moment later he lost the battle. Snatching
a delicate glass ornament from a nearby shelf, he
flung it hard at the wall. It shattered on impact; a
hail of tiny shards sprinkling the floor beneath it.
"Padawan!" Qui-Gon sounded shocked as well as angry
now. "That's enough!"
"It's nowhere near enough!" Another ornament joined
the first, shattering explosively against the wall,
and Obi-Wan reached for a third.
"I said that's enough!" Qui-Gon gestured, and
Obi-Wan's arms were suddenly tethered to his sides by
invisible bonds. There was no use fighting them, and
he subsided, fuming.
Qui-Gon walked over to him, stopping in front of him
and placing a hand on his shoulder. He took several
deep breaths, and when he spoke, his voice was
strained but calm. "I know that the past six months
have been stressful in the extreme, Obi-Wan," he said
quietly. "I realise that you have been pushed beyond
your limits, and that an emotional outburst is a
natural result of this. But I will not tolerate such
disrespect from you, and I certainly will not tolerate
childish temper tantrums. Is that understood?"
Obi-Wan's eyes flashed. He was not ready to give up
his childish temper tantrum just yet. "Yes, *Master*,"
he snarled, the words dripping sarcasm.
Qui-Gon's expression darkened again. "You are acting
like a six-year-old brat, not a Jedi. It will stop
now, Padawan, or I will deal with you in the
appropriate manner. Now apologise."
Qui-Gon's voice was level, but he was clearly furious.
Usually that tone would have subdued Obi-Wan
instantly, and kept him subdued for quite some time to
come. The small part of his mind that was not seething
with jealousy was shouting warnings at the top of its
lungs.
Unfortunately, Obi-Wan was too far gone to heed them.
"I won't," he said stubbornly, setting his jaw.
Qui-Gon looked at him for a long moment, his
expression hard. "Very well, Padawan. It seems you
must learn this lesson the hard way."
He turned and stalked to the table, pulling a chair
out and turning it to face the room. He sat down, and
Obi-Wan felt the Force-bonds release him. "Come here,
Padawan," Qui-Gon said firmly.
From Qui-Gon's position, Obi-Wan knew exactly what he
meant to do, and he felt a flutter of nervousness in
the pit of his stomach. But the anger and jealousy
still held the balance of power, and he didn't move.
Qui-Gon's eyes glittered angrily. "Padawan, you are
only making this worse for yourself. I would suggest
that you obey me and that you do it now." His voice
was low and deadly.
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. He didn't think he had
ever heard Qui-Gon sound that angry before. The
flutter of nervousness sprouted a second set of wings,
and the call of obedience tugged at him. Still fuming,
but too accustomed to obeying that voice, he moved
reluctantly over to Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon leveled a hard gaze at him. "Pants down,
Padawan, and over my knee. If you are going to behave
like a child, I will deal with you as one." His tone
brooked no argument.
Obi-Wan swallowed hard. The anger he had felt was
rapidly being competed out by a spreading wave of
nervous anticipation. The last time Qui-Gon had
spanked him had been nearly two years ago now, but he
remembered it well, and he also remembered not liking
it one bit. He hesitated, biting his lip.
"*Now*, Padawan!" Qui-Gon barked.
Obi-Wan jumped at the tone, and found his hands going
automatically to the waistband of his pants. His
emotions were a swirling jumble. The jealousy and
anger were still strongly present, but they were now
doing battle with a healthy dose of fear and
embarrassment, and a growing sense of shame. He
couldn't remember the last time he had felt so
confused.
But as always, his Master was a point of focus in the
confusion, an anchor to cling to in the raging sea of
emotional chaos. His Master had given him an order. He
had to obey.
Even if he *really* didn't want to.
Cheeks flaming with embarrassment, his distress
showing clearly on his face, Obi-Wan loosened the
drawstrings on his pants and pushed both them and his
underwear down to his knees. He hesitated again,
glancing up at his Master, but on seeing the
implacable resolve in Qui-Gon's face he knew there
would be no reprieve. Trembling slightly, Obi-Wan
stepped forward and bent over his Master's lap.
Qui-Gon adjusted his position slightly, and Obi-Wan
endured the indignity with clenched teeth. And what
made it even worse was that since Qui-Gon was so much
taller than he was, this humiliating position still
*worked*. By the Force, he *felt* about six years old!
Qui-Gon flipped up the long tunic that had, until
then, been preserving his Padawan's modesty. Obi-Wan
winced as his backside was exposed to his Master's
gaze. His emotional state was still a battleground,
but humiliation was currently the top of the heap.
Qui-Gon placed a firm hand in the small of Obi-Wan's
back, immobilising him. "I had not thought I would
need to do this again, Padawan, but your behaviour
tonight more than warrants it. Your actions were not
those of a Jedi Padawan, but of a spoiled child having
a tantrum. I have no idea what has come over you."
There was nothing Obi-Wan hated more than being
lectured while he was draped over his Master's lap
waiting to be punished. He wished desperately that
Qui-Gon would get on with it.
"Your focus determines your reality, Padawan; if you
behave like a child, you will in all likelihood be
treated as one. I hope this will help you to remember
that." The hand on his back applied a little more
pressure, signaling that the punishment was about to
start.
Short lecture. Thank the Force.
Obi-Wan was not quite so thankful a moment later,
though, when Qui-Gon's large hand descended on his
backside for the first time, delivering a hard swat to
each cheek. He jumped at the sudden sting. Qui-Gon had
put a fair amount of force into those.
The next two swats made him gasp, and the third pair
elicited a hiss of pain that would have been a yelp if
he hadn't caught it in time. His Master was certainly
not holding back.
The swats continued to fall, and Obi-Wan could hardly
believe how much it hurt. It had been a long time
since he had been in this position, and clearly he had
forgotten just how painful a spanking from Qui-Gon
could be. He could feel tears threatening, and he was
biting his lip hard to hold back the yelps of pain,
hoping he could get through this with at least a
little of his dignity intact.
But as the spanking continued, the fire in his
backside was stoked up to intolerable proportions, and
biting his lip was simply not going to sustain him any
longer. Tears began to fall, and his breath caught in
a sob. It *hurt*, he couldn't believe how much it
hurt!
Two hard swats to the backs of his thighs finally drew
a yelp out of him, and his body shook with a painful
sob. Before he knew it, he was pleading for it to
stop. "M-Master, please - I'm sorry!"
Qui-Gon ignored him. The rain of swats continued down
his thighs, and Obi-Wan started to cry in earnest.
"Please," he begged through his tears, "Master, please
- no more!"
Qui-Gon moved his hand back up to Obi-Wan's bottom,
concentrating his blows right on the junction of
buttocks and thighs. Obi-Wan cried out at the intense
sting and tried to squirm away, his control finally
breaking altogether. He was sobbing openly now,
pleading almost incoherently for an end to the
punishment. "I'm s-s-sorry, Master! Please st-stop!"
Qui-Gon delivered six more hard swats, eliciting even
louder howls from his thoroughly chastised Padawan,
and then stopped. Obi-Wan continued to cry, stammering
out apologies between heartrending sobs.
The hand that had been holding Obi-Wan down now began
to trace soothing circles on his back, encouraging him
to calm down. Slowly, Obi-Wan's sobs tapered off to
sniffles and shuddering breaths, and Qui-Gon helped
him up. Gaze planted firmly on his boots, Obi-Wan
pulled his pants back up and refastened them. He
clenched his hands at his sides, fighting the urge to
rub his flaming backside.
Qui-Gon took Obi-Wan's chin in his hand, tilting his
head up to make the young man meet his eyes. Obi-Wan
blushed again as he looked up at Qui-Gon, but his
Master's gaze held only fond compassion. A large hand
gently wiped the tears away.
"I think that you should go and meditate on your
behaviour tonight, Padawan. After you have had some
time to think, we will talk about it."
Obi-Wan nodded, still sniffling. "Y-yes, Master."
"Off you go, then." A last caress to his cheek and
Qui-Gon released him. Obi-Wan bowed shakily and
promptly fled into his room. Once he had the door
safely shut behind him, he flung himself headlong
across the wide bed and buried his face in the thick
coverlet, feeling tears start down his cheeks again.
/ What was that? / he asked himself, bewildered and
beyond horrified at his behaviour. / What *was* that?
How could I have done that? How could I have *spoken*
to him like that? How - how *could* I? /
A sob shook him as he thought again of the terrible
things he had said to his Master, the total lack of
respect he had shown him...
/ Oh, Force. What have I *done*? /
With that thought, he began to cry again, if anything
even harder than he had cried while he was being
spanked. He pressed his face deeper into the
bedcovers, trying to muffle the sobs. / This is the
end. I wanted him to think of me as an adult, an
equal...a *lover*. I was *jealous*, for Force's sake!
And so what do I do? I go and throw a fit that a
five-year-old would envy. He'll probably think of me
as a child for the next *year* over this! Or longer! /
The thought just made him cry even harder. He stuffed
a fist in his mouth to muffle the noise and wondered
if it was possible to actually die of misery.
He had bawled unashamedly for perhaps the next fifteen
minutes before deciding that it probably wasn't
possible to die of misery, because if it was, it
surely would have happened already. Finally, his sobs
had subsided back into sniffles again, and he had
wiped his eyes and attempted to pull himself together.
And now, here he was, more or less together (leaning
slightly towards less) and contemplating his
situation. It did not make for pleasant reflection.
Sighing, he rested his chin on his hands and tried to
think. When Qui-Gon came back, he would be expecting
an explanation for what had happened. And since
Obi-Wan had no intention of telling him the real
reason why he had behaved so badly, this posed a
difficult problem.
/ I can just picture it. 'Oh, well, you see, Master,
I've been in love with you for years and for some
reason I got really jealous seeing you with that girl
tonight. No, I'm not sure why, no idea at all. Thought
perhaps I just might be overtired. Sorry.' / He shook
his head in disgust. / Yes, that'll go down well. /
And yet, he couldn't lie to Qui-Gon about what had
happened, either. One, it was forbidden. And two,
Qui-Gon would know damn well he was lying. He'd
certainly seen right through it both the times he'd
been idiotic enough to try it before now.
He shifted uncomfortably on the large bed, wincing.
His backside still stung fiercely, and he knew it
probably would for some time. Qui-Gon had not held
back.
/ I deserved it, though, / Obi-Wan thought sadly.
/ Force, what a mess. How did I get myself into this?
What am I going to tell him? What *can* I tell him? /
He took a deep breath. / OK, Kenobi. Get it together.
You'll tell him the truth, like you have to. You just
need to find a way to say it so that you can skip that
little part about you being in love with him. There
must be a way to do that! /
With that in mind, he began to rack his brains, trying
to think up the best way to explain what had happened.
The soft chime at his door roused Obi-Wan from his
pondering, bringing him sharply back to reality. He
glanced at the chrono by the bed and saw that nearly
two hours had passed. Qui-Gon - he could sense that it
was Qui-Gon who was at his door - had apparently
decided that that was long enough for him to have
thought about his behaviour.
Which meant he would now be expecting an explanation.
And Obi-Wan still hadn't thought of one.
/ Damn it, damn it, damn it. / He looked apprehensively
at the door. / I wonder if I could pretend I'm asleep? /
The door chimed again; Qui-Gon knew very well that he
wasn't asleep. / Sith hells. Oh well, here we go. /
He climbed off the bed, wincing as his abused backside
protested the movement, and ran his hands through his
short hair. He knew he probably looked dreadful;
tear-stained and sore and nervous as hell, but there
wasn't much he could do about it now. He walked
quickly over to the door and opened it.
Qui-Gon stood there, tall and serene in the muted
light of Obi-Wan's room. His calm gaze swept over his
Padawan, taking in the disheveled appearance, and his
expression softened. "How are you feeling, Padawan?"
he asked gently.
"I'm all right, Master," Obi-Wan said quietly.
"Please, come in."
He stood aside as Qui-Gon entered and sat down on the
bed, gesturing to Obi-Wan to come and sit beside him.
Obi-Wan did so, wincing a little as he sat, and
Qui-Gon smiled sympathetically and ruffled his hair.
"Padawan, I was hoping we could talk about what
happened tonight."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said obediently.
Qui-Gon looked at him for a long moment, his
expression grave. "Obi-Wan, I am worried about you. I
have never seen you behave as badly as you did
tonight. I would like to know what happened."
Obi-Wan hung his head in shame. "I am so sorry,
Master. I should never have said those things to you.
I did not mean it, any of it, and I am so sorry." He
looked up at Qui-Gon, hoping that his Master would see
his sincerity.
"I know you didn't mean it, Obi-Wan. You were angry
and you spoke without thinking. But what I would like
to know is *why* you were so angry."
/ Now it gets complicated, / Obi-Wan thought. "I - I am
honestly not sure why I became so angry, Master," he
said hesitantly. / Which is true. / "I - I was just so
tired..." His voice trailed off, and he dropped his
eyes again, not wanting to meet his Master's gaze.
There was a long pause before Qui-Gon spoke. "I know
that I have asked a lot from you these last six
months, Padawan," he said gently. "And with the
injuries you sustained..." He shook his head. "I'm
afraid I sometimes forget how young you are. You have
done very well on a lot of very stressful assignments,
and we have been hopping from one to the other without
any time to rest. I should have seen that you were so
near the breaking point, and for that, I am sorry."
Obi-Wan shook his head, horrified that Qui-Gon would
feel guilty over something that was totally not his
fault. "No, Master, you have nothing to be sorry for.
I'm the one who should be sorry, for how I behaved. I
was awful. It was completely unacceptable."
"Yes, it was, but I believe I made my point about
that," Qui-Gon said meaningfully, and Obi-Wan nodded
ruefully. "However, Padawan, I think I am just as much
to blame as you this time. I am responsible for your
welfare, and you have clearly been pushed too hard
recently."
"As have you, Master," Obi-Wan said quietly.
"Yes, but I have many years more experience than you
do, Padawan. You are not fully trained yet."
"I should have dealt with my anger better, though."
"Yes, you should. But you had reason to be angry, I
think. I should have been taking better care of you."
Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon, suddenly realising what
his Master was thinking. / He thinks I was angry about
all the missions! That I was angry at *him* for not
seeing how tired I was! /
He opened his mouth to speak, to tell Qui-Gon that
that wasn't the case at all - and then stopped. If he
said that, Qui-Gon would then want to know the real
reason for his anger.
And the real reason for his anger was *not* something
he wanted to confess.
He struggled with his conscience for a long moment,
part of him wishing desperately that he could just
tell Qui-Gon of his feelings and get it over with -
but the thought of the kind rejection that would
surely follow such a confession was simply too hard to
bear. / I can't do it. I just can't. /
He sighed, dropping his eyes again. He could feel
Qui-Gon watching him, and a moment later a hand tilted
his chin up, forcing him to meet Qui-Gon's eyes.
"Was there something you wanted to say, Obi-Wan?"
Qui-Gon asked, his voice warm and concerned.
Obi-Wan tried to smile, but failed. "Only - only that
I am sorry, Master - again." / Which is true. I *am*
sorry! /
"I know you are. And so am I." Qui-Gon smiled at
Obi-Wan, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Hopefully it will be some time before we are pushed
that hard again."
Obi-Wan leaned into his Master's touch, needing the
comfort it gave him. "I am truly sorry for my
disrespect, Master," he said softly. "I would never
want you to think I did not respect you."
"I don't, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "And that's enough
sorrys. I know you're sorry. You're also forgiven." He
reached out, pulling Obi-Wan into a warm embrace, and
Obi-Wan gratefully cuddled close, hiding his face
against Qui-Gon's shoulder. Oh, being hugged by
Qui-Gon felt so good...if he could do so, he would
happily stay here for hours on end. / I love you,
Master, / he thought fiercely. / I wish I could tell you
that! /
Qui-Gon's arms tightened around him, and they stayed
that way for long moments before Qui-Gon released him,
pulling back slightly to look Obi-Wan in the eyes. "I
think you should rest now, Padawan. It's been a long
day. We will talk more in the morning."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said softly, wishing that
Qui-Gon would stay here and rest with him, but knowing
it wouldn't happen. "And, Master - I will make sure I
apologise to Jalmea for my behaviour."
"I'm sure she would appreciate that, Padawan," Qui-Gon
said. He smiled. "Strange, running into her here. The
last time I saw here she was just a child."
Obi-Wan looked up at that. "You know her, Master?"
"Yes, she's Senator Vallin's eldest daughter."
"Senator Vallin from Corellia?" Obi-Wan asked. He
vaguely remembered the man, if that was indeed who
Qui-Gon was speaking of.
"Yes, that's the one."
"But then what is she doing here, Master?"
"Oh, her husband is Thrin, apparently. He lives on
Corellia - that's how they met - but he managed to
come back for the coronation, and she came with him."
Obi-Wan almost did a double take at that. "Her -
husband? She's married?"
"Yes, quite recently I believe. She was just a little
girl the last time I saw her. Strange, seeing her all
grown up." He smiled.
Obi-Wan could hardly believe it. All this trouble
because he'd thought the girl was flirting with
Qui-Gon, and it turned out she was just the daughter
of an old acquaintance? The *married* daughter of an
old acquaintance?
/ Unbelievable, / he thought. / How do I manage these
things? I've outdone myself this time. /
Qui-Gon stood up then, ruffling Obi-Wan's hair
affectionately as he did so. "Get some sleep, Padawan.
We can talk more tomorrow. And we should get a chance
to relax, as well, now that the coronation is over.
The celebrations will go on for a few more days, but
we have no more duties to perform."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said, still mentally kicking
himself and hoping it didn't show.
"Sleep well, Padawan," Qui-Gon said, heading for the
door.
"You also, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He stared
longingly at Qui-Gon's back as the older man walked to
the door, then out into the main room, the door
swishing shut behind him. / If only I could have told
him... /
He got to his feet, sighing, and started to change
into his sleep clothes. He couldn't tell Qui-Gon, not
yet, and that was how it had to be. But if tonight was
any indication, his feelings were just growing
stronger as time went on. He would need to keep a
close rein on his emotions if he wanted to keep his
dignity intact.
/ One day, I will tell him, / he thought, climbing into
the oversized bed. He grimaced as his backside touched
the mattress and immediately rolled over onto his
front. / One day, when I can believe that he might
actually want me in return, I'll tell him. And
then... /
He was asleep before he could finish the thought.
The End