May 1906
All I want in the world is for Protector to be here. I can't think of another time when I wanted to talk to him so badly or needed to ask him so many questions.
He's not a bad person, but was he once? And even if he was, surely he was never the equivilant of Scythe. The devil himself woudl have tough competition there. Maybe Protector would understand why I'm so angry, maybe he would even accept it. I hate being so angry at anyone, but it's my only defense. Anyway, Protector of all people would be able to see that the anger is certainly justified. No one here does, but they see very little. Let them do what they like. I'm too disappointed in their stupidity and apathy to even look at them right now. Not that they care, so I guess they won't be hurt. They'll continue on their merry little way, and I'll go hide somewhere and try to regain some of my sanity away from them. Trees, pigeons, ghosts, and nutcases have so much more sense. I think it's almost time I stay with them, life would be so much easier. Maybe it is time to sound the retreat and live with my books and th voices in my head. Afer all, it is the only happy place left on Earth. And I'll throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge before I go back to any lodging house with Scythe in it.

April 1906
You can dream all you like, and it's like you're leaping and floating across beautiful, white clouds. But sometimes the clouds dissolve without warning, and what will hold you up then?

February 27, 1906
Caesar is walking again. It's great to know he's doing better. Maybe now he can be happy, he certainly deserves to be.

Kylie came by the other day to talk about Gavin. I hope he doesn't know about Scythe . . . She wants Gavin to stay here so that she can go after him. It's so frustrating how everyone insists on taking him on alone. It hasn't ever worked before, what makes them think it will now? And they won't accept any help at all. I guess I wouldn't be much help anyway.

And Ice . . . what's happened to Ice is scary. I can't believe it took me this long to see, but the other night when Caesar brought her into the kitchen, then I couldn't run away from it. She was right there and it was so obvious how bad she must be doing. It scares me to see friends like that, and hurts . . . and now I feel so guilty that I took so long to notice. Some kind of friend I am.

February 9, 1906
Scythe was here today. I was so angry. It's hard to believe all that I tell myself about how different I am from him when I'm angry. But things ended differntly this time. Despite all I've said, all I've done, I don't hate him. I get angry at him, yes, but it's not the same. I meant what I said to him: it's the things he does that I hate, not him. In fact, tonight the anger gave way to sadness. Imagine not feeling, imagine thinking that the world is some cruel, horrible place. It seems so sad, so empty. Though there is a chance for him, I think, if he would only try. He has given up on himself, but it is not hopeless. He told me that he had shot Firefly and that Caesar could walk if he only thought he could. Why? What purpose could it serve for him? I think there lurks a human being under that stealie guise. And the oddest thought of all came to me while we were talking: It reminded me of talking to Protector. More contentious, but it had the feel of a Protector conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if things could be solved by just bringing Nicholas back?

February 8, 1906
If I should be able to live anywhere in the world, I think I would choose Neverland. Oh, the other places out of fairy tales would be nice as well: mysterious castles, enchanted forests, oceans where you are free to swim until one day you become foam on the sea. They all sound wonderful, but imagine staying a child forever! I would like to find that place. To have fairies and mermaids, to be able to fly, quite literally, on the wings of happiness. Even Captain Hook couldn't ruin a place like that. Oh, he would certainly try, but in such a world evil never succeeds. Shed a few tears, have faith in what is good, and really truly wish for things to turn out all right and they will. There are no emotions more free, no love more pure, and no faith more strong than that of a child. It is a shame what we become. How I wish I was at the bottom of a deep, clear, blue sea, or in Oz, or Neverland, or any place but here.

January 31, 1906
Scythe, I'm sure you're proud of all the harm you've done; it's something you can carry with you like a trophy. But as good old Donne said, 'Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so.' I remember once, long ago, Gavin said that you had earned your immortality because you had beaten him, even in death. You have convinced him that he's a looser. But he's not. I know he's not, and some day he will know it as well; some day when you are dead and in hell and the world has forgotten all about you. Because it will, you know. When you die you will leave traces of pain and hate behind you, but I, I will leave love behind me. And in the end love wipes away all that pain and hatred. So though I may be dead and forgotten, my print on the world will live on. You see, Scythe, I will beat you in the end, and it won't be out of hate, or fear, or some desire for revenge, it will be because I love this world and the people in it too much to let them fall victim to you. But I will win in the end. In this, and in one thing more.

You may think all you like that I am like you or that you have changed me, but you are wrong. I was born Alethea Broughton. I am Alethea now. When you are gone, I will be Alethea still. It is who I am, and who I always will be. Despite all of the hatred and violence you have used to hurt and maime, you have no power to change me. I am Alethea even now, Nicholas. Or Scythe, I should say. I did not give up. I did not abandon myself. That is the difference between you and me. And that is my immortality.

January 30, 1906
It seems so many years now since I first came to Ravenswood. Eons. And sometimes I feel so old, so tired, and so worn. It's hard not to look always into the past and wish for time to turn back. I miss the way things were, I miss the people: the ones who left, and the ones who have changed. And what drastic changes they have been. This city, this damn city, just sucks all of the life out of people. It takes all that is good and twists it into something unnatural and ugly. It hurts so much to see what has become of this place I used to hold so dear, and sometimes I want nothing more than to run back to my home where I know there is still plenty of love and hope to be found. But I know I can't give up, I can't abandom them. Bruised and sullied as it may seem to my disillusioned eyes, I love this place still, and most of all the people in it. How can I give up on them? I can't. I will be strong, I will stay, and I will survive. I will not loose hope because it seems to me that it is important for at least one person to keep it. Then, surely, there will be hope for others. So, for them I won't give up. I'll try to bring some hope back to this place. I owe them that much.

I have learned so much from the people here: of human nature and of life itself. I've seen true friendship and unconditional love. I've seen love that holds on despite mountains of suffering. I've seen how strong the human spirit can be as it is pushed down time and again, always to hold on, and I've seen how fragile it can be when it is finally broken. From people like Caesar and Gavin I have seen how amazingly wonderful people can be; I have seen that dreams are alive and thriving and very, very real. From Scythe I have learned that nightmares are just as real. From him I learned that the world is a dark, dangerous place. From him I learned that there is more hate in the world than I ever would have imagined, even in my darkest dreams. But for myself, with the help of the good Lord, I have learned that despite all this there is hope, and no matter how dark the world may seem now, love will prevail.

Fall 1905
Bastards do as bastards will,
'til death comes to claim the bill
Now you're dead and that's just swell
I hope you rot in ******* hell.

Spring 1905
I'm up on the roof, staring out at the city. I guess it's been a long time since I stopped coming up here. I kind of miss those days. Really miss them, actually. Everything is so depressing now. Things have changed. I've changed.

I've lost faith. Not entirely, but enough that it takes an effort now. Especially when it comes to romance. I'm tired of always telling myself to wait another day or week or year. It never comes along. And no one ever told me that heroes have a bad habit of being waylaid by other damsels. It would have been nice to know. It also would have been nice if someone had told me that damsels are supposed to do the chasing. At least, that's what I see happening. Oh, no. Instead I've got to have this belief instilled in me that I should just wait, quietly and properly, like all good ladies. Who knows, maybe it works for them. I mean, I have suspected for a long time that there's just something wrong with me. It does make sense, after all.

There was Gavin, who I really liked a lot. And he ended up with Gervaise. I was starting to like Picks, and once again, Gervaise stepped in. Forget that. Mack tried to set me up with Dylan, and now he's with Knots. Puddleglum was really nice to me until he decided to disappear for two months to who knows where. And Caesar... you know, he was the first guy I had really started to like since Gavin... and now he's with Ice. Doesn't that just figure.

Okay, so I'm jealous. That's probably why I'm so mad at him. But it's not my fault I don't know what's going on with Puddleglum. It's not my fault that he just pops up after being gone for months at a time! Why did Caesar have to be so damn fickle? The second Puddleglum pops up, it's like he runs off to find another girl. He said he only wanted a chance. Well, he's not the only one. That's all I want too, only I didn't get one.

All right... so it's not his fault either. But I just can't understand what I've done to deserve all of this. It's just easiest to be mad at him. He gave up so easily!

All I want is a guy with an attention span who doesn't run off to the next girl that comes along at the first sign of trouble. Gavin was the only one to even try. I could kick myself now for pushing him away. (I just wish he could be happy at least.) He's also the only guy I know who has the guts to fight for his relationships. That's admirable to me. Stupid, maybe. But selfless and honorable all the same.

Maybe that's just how it is though. Maybe that's why things wouldn't have worked out with Gavin. There are people to love, and people that are meant to be loved, people that fight, and people that have to be fought for. Maybe lovers and fighters just can't be together. Maybe their only purpose is to give . . . and give and give and give . . .

Winter 1904
Great. Just great. Picks is mad at me now. He was my friend and now I've made him hate me. Of course, I'm wrong. He and Gervaise are right about that. It's none of my business what everyone else says or does to each other. So I'm stupid and don't know anything. I can't help it that I don't like watching people get picked on. And I don't want them to hate me. Not that it matters. They don't care anyway. Not even Gavin, not anymore. Maybe Puddleglum does, but he shouldn't.

And that's just another reason I'm stupid. As perfect as he is, why don't I like him as any more than a friend? He's so nice, so why don't I just forget Gavin? Oh, it doesn't matter. After all, he's the only person who would ever want me, maybe I'll end up really liking him some day.

Summer 1904
Part of me wants to be left alone, but another part has had about all it can take of being alone.

Of course, I bring it on myself. I know that. Just yesterday Phia asked how I was "really" doing. Had Phia realized? There's no way of knowing. In a way, I wanted to just drop anchor there and so, "No! I'm not really all right, I feel like crap." I didn't though. I never could bring myself to do that. Instead it was the standard lie, "Oh, I'm fine."

Maybe I'm just scared of telling them the truth. But why? Because I'll look weak? Or maybe because they'll just ignore me. Or pride.

Whatever it is, I can't be honest with them. But you know, I wish someone would just know. It's ridiculous, really. They hardly notice me sometimes, how can I expect them to read my thoughts? And what if they did? I'd just deny them.

No, I guess I'll just have to get through everything on my own. That's how it has been and how it always would be. No knight in shining armor here. He's down the road helping some other damsel. But that's okay, right? Dragons and ogres aren't so bad.