Chapter 18: Revenge of the Disgruntled Cricket
 

The next morning… day… whatever….

Tinuviel popped her head out of the tent. “Mornin everyone! Did everybody get back Ok last night?” she asked. Undomiel and Lizard glared for a moment, but then returned to getting their hair brushed. Tinuviel ignored them and looked around at very crowded camp.

"You know?” she said. “I think we might consider moving to a slightly bigger location... It seems like yesterday we were struggling to catch even one or two elves. NOW look at us..." She was cut off by a loud giggling and hair pin clipping and sighed.

Meanwhile Tadan woke up to find herself back in the tent, with Elrond holding her and reading a book he found somewhere. Tadan suddenly noticed it was her Spanish Textbook.

"Um, having fun?"

"Si! Este lingua es muy interesante y divertido."

(From her own tent, Luitha could be heard screaming “I don’t speak THAT one!”)

"Oh dear. If you get much farther I'm going to need subtitles," Tadan told him. "Did everyone get back okay?"

"Todo el mundo, y mas 'elves'. Que quire decir 'Elf' en Espanol?"

"No se. They weren't ELFs, were they? Just the normal kind?"

"Some were ELFs, but the operative term is 'were'. They have been converted with the 'Tae-bo' skills of your fellow hunters."

"Oh. So why did everything go black?"

"You forgot to put your mask on."

"Oops. Um, were you busy with that book?"

"Not really."

And Tadan became occupied for the next couple hours

Tinuvie walked out of her lab carrying many chemicals. “Oh. It's all over? Darn, I THOUGHT it was getting a bit quiet.” She returned to dump the chemicals back in the lab. “Well, everyone seems to be with the elves. Will go speak about astronomy to some polite elf who won't interrupt. Ah, Glorfindel!” Glorfindel pretended not to see her, but she ran toward him anyway. He looked pleadingly at the other PEFs to bail him out, but they were too busy to notice. “So, Glorfindel, did you see the planetary alignment?”

Elrond into Spanish... Glorfindel into astronomy... The PEFs were quickly educating these elves.

“Hmmm... Looks like we have Figwit now.” The Lizard joined up with Tinuviel and Mariana. “That's interesting. IS there anyone we don't have? I mean, we could move up to catching elves at Lothlorien, but I think Galadriel would kick our butts.

“So what now? I'm spoiling for action, with my new common sense and Orli on my arm. I GUESS I should share him, I have rather been hogging him these past days. Any takers?” She looked accusingly at Mariana, who currently had one hand down Legolas’ pocket. Mariana widened her eyes and gave Liz an innocent look.

Well, she tried anyway. PEFs were never good with innocent looks.

“I just can't believe Lizard is giving up Orli for some time. YAY!” Mariana left Legolas in a strawberry bubble bath and and was on her way for Orli. “I'd ask you not to disturb Legolas in the next couple of hours, he's been really tired with all this action...” she informed Lizard as she walked off. Liz just snerted and rolled her eyes.

------------------------------------------------

Undomiel walked over to the Astronomy tent that Tinuvie had set up and stuck her head inside.

“Umm, Tinuvie . . . can I steal Glorfindel from you? I need to talk to him . . .”

Glorfindel met her outside. “What's wrong?” he asked.

“Oh, Don't even act like nothing is wrong, Glorfindel. I have a little problem with people leaving me for Strawberry Bubble bath . . .”

“But . . .” Now Glorfindel tried for an innocent look. That worked about as well as Lizard trying to listen to her cricket.

“Oh, just try and get out of this one . . . I don't think that this is a really acceptable situation . . .” Undomiel wandered off with Glorfindel to settle the issue.

--------------------------------------------

VSDPEF- Lizard219

Phil, my new common sense cricket, is in a bad mood today. He says I sleep too much and I drink the nastiest protein shakes he's ever been forced to share the memory of the taste of. Sigh. I guess he didn't know what he was getting into, signing on with an elf-hunter. I HAVE to be well-rested and full of pep to catch an elf! Hello! They have superhuman strength and senses!

I think I may eventually undertake the quest for a new common sense cricket all my own so I can give Lila back her Phil. Maybe not now... Too many cute elves hanging around, pouting because they don't have a partner for Tae Bo... Hey you! The one with the pointy ears! (I'm being specific, yes?) Come on over here!

Heh heh heh... Sometimes I love my elf-hunter status... I mean, all this Tae Bo is a grave duty, but not the worst I could have...

--------------------------------------------

Luitha stepped out of her tent with a “yaaaaaaaawn” and a stretch, then went promptly back to business.

(Not THAT kind of business.)

“Good morning... errr.... afternoon everyone!" she said, striding out to greet the others. "Is everyone here and accounted for? Lizard, don’t glare at me like that. I think we need to start taking roll. Do we have all the elves we need? We need to start coming up with names for more elves. Hey is Haldir here? He could cause some problems if he's still with the force at Rivendell. I think he's got a grudge with the DWARFs...

The camp seemed to be under control for the moment, so Luitha whistled for her horse and announced. “I think Aragorn and I are going off for a ride, get some 'fresh air'. If you need me, just... well... wait.” And she and Aragorn rode off.

“Wait, come back, El luitha!” Lizard waited until Luitha had just about disappeared. “Naw, just kidding... Heh heh. Have fun!”

“Ok, so I'm being a pest today... I'm such a silly Lizard... Oh, something else we need to address is the matter of the escaped Cletus, who is now evil. And was Christina Ricci ever completely neutralized? I don't remember. So evil still lurks in the woods, waiting to strike... As always for the elf hunters. Ours is such a perilous line of work…”

VSDPEF-Lizard219

Oh my... My perpetual wavering in regards to the men of Gondor combined with the presence of a cricket who hails from the head of a manly man fancier is getting the best of me... I'm... going... to Gondor... There, I said it. I'll be back to bask in the glory of all these hot elves, but I can't help myself!

……..

Oh my... ok, my elf devotion is firmly back in place... Someone needs to turn a hose on me or something... *pant, pant, pant* Just saw pics of Orli from the Vanity Fair party after the Oscars. Can any one man really BE this hot? I think the answer is clear...

-------------------------------

It was now Silver Elf’s turn to wake up for the afternoon. She walked out of her tent after a long night of brushing cute elves’ hair and talking.

“Good afternoon! Did I miss anything? I’m hungry, and I’m going swimming in that lake thingy nearby.” She looked back at the elf behind her. “Wanna come? And anybody else?” They walked into the forest and returned a short while later, retiring to the tent to dry off.

“Hi, Silver Elf!” Lizard called, always the watchful one, before she announced, “Well, what are we going to do tonight elf-hunters?”

This seemed like the cue for someone to respond "The same thing we do every night, Lizard... Try to take over Middle Earth!!" But they were all too busy brushing hair and with tae bo. Lizard sighed and shook her head dejectedly.

Mariana returned a few moments later. “I've said this a few times before, and I'll say it again: I think it's time for us to move. Maybe we could camp near Lorien or Mirkwood, what do you think? I'm just not sure if we should let the Rivendell elves go... opinions? Of course we'll take our most beloved ones with us (Legolas, Elrond, Glorfindel, Gildor etc).”

“We have rather exhausted this location,” Lizard admitted. “I'm all for a little PEF migration to greener pastures- er- forest. Plus, some of the elves at large here are still ELF members. And the idea of Christina Ricci out there, ogling Orli, who is now rightfully mine- er- ours is frightening.

“Hmm... are we moving then?” Tin asked rather loudly. The entire camp went quiet, and the Rivendell elves looked up in horror. “Just kiddin guys!” It took a moment for this to register, and the elves finally returned to brushing hair and giggling.

“Are we really going?” Tinuviel whispered. “It might be a good idea, I can't turn around without someone yelling at me that I spilled their bubble bath. As long as we take our "essentials" AKA Gildor, Orli, Legolas, Glorfindel etc... it's fine by me.”

--------------------------------

VSDPEF- Junipur

Typical, they all come to rescue me, see some hot elves, and leave me behind in Rivendell.

Oh well, I´ll just have to start walking again then, sigh. Why could they not just have left me were I was, now I´ll have to walk the same way all over.

And could they please get my name right? I’m JuniPUR, not Juniper.

---------------------------------

Undomiel wandered back into camp with Glorfindel again.

"Oh, alright, alright. I suppose I can forgive this little misunderstanding. Just as long as you promise not to go leaving again. Agreed?"

Glorfindel nodded.

"Now, what action do you take if the Strawberry Bubble bath gets low again?"

"Tell you, and you'll get more," he responded.

Domie chuckled. "Exactly. Remember, you don't have to go running all the way to Rivendell for Bubble bath and a decent Tae-Bo lesson."

“Alright ladies. So, the subject of moving has been brought up.” Undomiel was back in business (NOT THAT business! Get your mind out of the gutter!). “Hmm. I am definitely in agreement that this is needed, but where to?” Ever prepared, Domie pulled out a map. “Well, I know Mirkwood and Lorien have been mentioned, but . . . what about Hollin? It's been deserted for a while, and was once inhabited by the elves . . . I think we could be quite comfortable and anonymous there. Just a suggestion, though.”

Mariana looked concerned. “Are we taking the elves we own? Because if we are not, then the place we're moving to MUST be home to at least some elves... because if it's not, what is our purpose?”

Elfcat stumbled into camp. “Yeeps! I leave for two days and you’re planning without me! I think we should move. Too much defense near Rivendell.”

Tinuvie grabbed Glorfindel as soon as Undomiel brought him back. “But the space-time continuum is bended by...” she continued to explain. Glorfindel fled with a shriek. “Oh, no, not again.” She sighed and went off to look for another elf victim.

----------------------------------

VSDPEF- Junipur

Why do this always happen to me? Now it is getting dark, and I’m all alone out here, buuuuhuuuuuu, and the others are all warm and comfy in their tents, with thier elfs.

When I get back, I´m never leaving the camp again, that`s for sure.

Oh no, like this is not bad enough as it is, looks like Gollum over there, now this can`t possibly get any worse, ups, I was wrong, it is Gollum AND Haldir, nooooooooooooooooooooo..............

----------------------------------

Elsewhere in the woods...

"Hey Aragorn? Did you ever find Junipur when we were running out of Rivendell?" Luitha turned to him as she sat on Asfaloth’s back.

"Junipur?"

"The DWARF we rescued in the woods just as we got captured..."

"Oh Junipur. No. I mentioned to Elrond as we were running that we were missing someone, but he just yelled at me and ran out with Tadan."

Luitha slapped her forehead with her hand, turned Asfaloth, and rode back toward Rivendell with Aragorn in tow.

(Right about now Undomiel and/or Nimrodel were seizing up and reciting the Cardinal Rule over and over… Luckily, they weren't the only ones with Luitha's wellfare in mind...)

“Hey, El luitha, I'll come too!” Through the meld that was beginning to develop among the huntresses, Lizard knew immediately what Luitha was up to. She jumped on the back of Bill the Pony and raced off, realizing belatedly that Bill probably wasn’t equipped to keep up with Asfaloth.

“Oh well. We'll get there when we get there, right, Bill?” Bill, looking up upon, did not respond.

Elfcat quickly gathered her animals together and ran after Luitha as well on her own horse Shadowfax. “I’ll catch her easily! Asfaloth is fast, but is no Shadofax!”

“Luitha has a special new and improved Asfaloth, not Glorfindel's old model,” Lizard explained from Bill’s back. “She may slow down to wait for us though.”

As Lizard and Elfcat ran to catch up, Luitha and Aragorn continued to speed toward Rivendell.

"Wait Luitha, do you hear that?” Aragorn was suddenly alert. “Hoof beats aproaching from behind."

"Quick! Get off the road!” Luitha told him. “Get your lembas launcher ready. I wish Tadan was here! She's the only one that's a sure shot with the thing..."

They hid in the shrubs, watching the road as the hoofbeats got closer and closer.

“These are dangerous times in perilous places,” Aragorn whispered. “Shoot first, we'll ask later..."

The hoofbeats continued, a horse rounded corner,  and Luitha and Aragorn opened fire.

“Crud, is that Lizard we just shot off?” Luitha winced Tthe two forces had met... with a bang. “Elfcat! Glad you're here! Um, splash some bubble bath on Lizard, she'll wake up...”

Lizard woke up slowly, her eyes crossed and a purple bruise in the middle of her forehead. “Oooooh, look, it's Luitha... And there are four of her. Hi, all you Luithas!” She waved happily and shook her head. “Oh, good grief. Did anyone get the license plate of the bus that hit me? Wait a second...”

She reached up to feel the bruise on her head, easily identifying the shape and texture of a projectile lembas impact. “ARAGORN!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's TWICE now, thank you very much. We REALLY need to find him another non-lethal weapon.” Lizard looked rather disgruntled.

Luitha put her hands on  her hips and stared down. “Lizard! Didn't that new cricket of yours tell you NOT to come tearing around corners when you're riding after a trigger-happy Ranger!”

“Er... you're right, all you Luithas up there, Phil did point out that it might be better to call out before coming crashing through the underbrush to catch up. I wasn't really paying attention to him, I was too busy singing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.." in my head. Sorry. Heh. I guess no hard feelings then, Aragorn.”

She tried to stand up. “Ok, should we continue? Which one of those Bills over there is mine?” Lizard ran to hop on Bill, by luck managing to pick the right one, but was covered in so much bubble bath that she slipped right off to the other side.

“OOF!…” A weak voice called from the other side of a grazing and totally unconcerned Bill. “A little help, please?”

She finally got back on her pony after numerous attempts and the help of two hunters and a Ranger. “Let me see... I've got my elf-whacker... And I'm starting to only see two Luithas, so I might be ok now. All right, I'm ready to keep riding...”

----------------------------------

Mariana watched the frantic charging off from the camp. “Oh well, looks like Lizard, Elfcat, Luitha and Aragorn left again. Gosh, can't you guys be a little less eager for action!!?” She sighed and sat on a log, contemplating.

“I miss someone else... is that Junipur again? Now it all makes sense. Next time I see her I'm gonna tie her just as I did with Haldir, so she will stop putting us in trouble! And last time a lot of people went to rescue, it didn't work out that well... course I managed to get Figwit, but... hey! I haven't seen him since I came back to the camp in the morning. Must still be with Nim!”

She sighed again and slumped back. “Guess I'm just going to stay here. With Aragorn, I'm sure they'll find Junipur soon.”

--------------------------------

VSDPEF- aflon

As advised I went in hunt of strawberry bubble bath to trap elf with. Couldn't find any (could be it that there are other elf-hunters in this time zone with me!). Decide to make early start in gym so I can lie in wait for elf and grab anyway.

As I am going out of the door my daughter bounces up with a bottle of strawberry bubble bath. 'Here mum take this'. Thats nice - co-operative child - what does she want. Oh yes there is one condition - I can only take it if she has day off school to help catch elf (is there a minimum age limit for this?). Very tempting, but decide to refuse kind offer. Daughter stamps off upstairs and slams door. Never mind I'll find where she hid the bubbles later.

Anyway make it to gym by 8.15 and find the hobbit on duty, but no elf. Decide to inform hobbit of his true destiny. I must say that he takes it very well and I am starting to think we might have a good elf-catching chance here, when he slips into the conversation that he likes WestLife (boy band!!!). Oh dear, quickly revise opinion and decide not to tell him about elf-catching yet. I don't think that a Westlife loving hobbit can be trusted, do you?

No sign of elf until I have actually left gym and am driving away. then I see him arriving an hour later than usual on a bike (a bike! - gym is miles from anyway - perhaps he comes out of portal). Too late to attempt catch today, but he winks at me as I drive past. He obviously knows he has got away with it today!

---------------------------------

After a long afternoon of riding, the rescue team was getting tired. Lizard yawned and sighed.

“Why don’t we bed down for the night,” she suggested. “We won't get much farther in this darkness.” The suggestion was met with some approval, however, Aragorn insisted on scouting ahead a little ways, hoping to pick up the trail again.

All seemed like it would be well soon as the elf hunters laid down to their rest. Once they found Junipur, they could move somewhere more spacious and dwell happily, secure away from the last remnants of E.L.F.

But as always when things seem as if they might be changing for the better, evil lurked out in the woods. Somewhere, an ominous presence had called a meeting.

Cletus the cricket, working now in concert with Christina Ricci and the remaining members of ELF, had hatched a new plan. Laughing cruelly, they sent him to his work...

Lizard was sleeping soundly when suddenly, something jumped in her ear. There was a struggle... To her horror, she saw Phil get tossed out, bound and gagged. No, Phil! Who was in there then…?

"Mwoo-ha-ha-ha!" cackled Cletus. "You thought you could get rid of me so easily! I will not be defeated. The ELF members gave me a device so that I can now take control of your entire mind. I can MAKE you listen to me now... My cold cruel logic will no longer be defeated by your overly emotional line of thinking. Using you as my vehicle, I will soon rule the world!"

"NO!" Lizard tried to scream for the others, but Cletus silenced her need to cry out with the icy thought of, It won't do you any good. I'm in here now.

It made sense. She obeyed.

"What will you do with me?" Lizard asked in a soft, quavering voice.

"First, we're going to take back just a few of what was taken from us... I work for ELF now, remember? And Ms. Ricci. Now go and find Orli and Legolas. They will trust you. They will go where you tell them."

Lizard tried to resist the command, but whatever the cricket had done to her had cemented his control over her mind and body. She rose silently. The others did not stir. Remounting Bill the Pony, she headed back toward the main camp. The evil of the cricket spread through her system with every moment. The part of her that was frightened and worried for Phil and hoped that she did not succeed in her mission was growing smaller and quieter.

A cold clarity sealed over her thoughts. The cricket was right. She would lead Legolas and Orlando back to the ELF camp, now moved to a secret location.

She found them both and whispered that she needed their help. Junipur was still missing, and she had lost the other members of the search party. As she feared she may be in trouble, would these two come help her search? After all, Lizard was not supposed to go off on her own.

"Sure, Lizard," Legolas said amicably. "You've always been kind to me, brushing my hair and always willing to help me get in some Tae Bo when I need it... I'll help you find her."

"I still don't know what's going on, but I'm really starting to like being around here," Orlando confessed. "I'm glad you brought me. I'll help you out."

Lizard lead them back into the woods. Unbeknownst to the two of them, an evil grin spread across her face, hidden in the shadows.

It is all going according to plan, master cricket. I have them now...

ELF had big plans for these two, and a few others. They had found a way to brainwash elves back to the ELF way of life. They would send Lizard after Elrond next, as he was simply too powerful to be allowed to go about assisting the elf hunters.

Somewhere deep inside, there was a whimpering voice. "No, please, not Orli and Legolas! And not Elrond! That would make Tadan so sad..."

Silence, fool. I serve the cricket now.
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
August 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com