Yucatan's Birds and How to Avoid Them

This is an excerpt from an upcoming book on the gradual destruction of Yucatan's wild bird habitats, misguided conceptions on what constitutes attractive flora and what is 'hierba' or 'monte', and the failure of most Yucatecan architects to incorporate any ecological considerations into their half-witted designs. In this segment, comments on the custom of destroying an ecosystem as practiced in Merida's greenest suburb, La Ceiba.

First of all, when contemplating living in La Ceiba, Merida's only golf course residential development and probably the only place where any kind of zoning regulation is loosely respected, you should keep in mind that leaving the local vegetation is definitely not necessary or even desirable. What with those scraggly, thorny trees and weeds, you'll have the local bird population all over your property in no time; and who wants to see those bluebirds, bright orange yuyas, fluorescent green parakeets or the black x'kaues in your imported flower garden, defecating on the lawn furniture, drinking from the pool and the fountains and generally messing up your orderly back yard.

In order to prevent this from happening, it's best to immediately cut everything down on the lot and pile all the 'garbage' up in the middle, preferably using a small bobcat or bulldozer to scrape that last bit of organic soil from the rocky surface of your property and then burn it all. This way you'll have a nice, cleaned-off lot to start building your dream house. When hiring an architect, make sure he isn't one of those sensitive ecological idiots that likes to keep the trees on your lot. Find one that shares your disdain for the monte and will slash and burn it so he has a nice clean area to build his boxy creation. Leaving trees can only be distracting and will require some creativity to build the house around and is just too much to ask.

Once you finish building the house, having been sure to mix your cement on the street, thereby leaving lots of attractive speed bumps in front of your house, you can proceed to order soil from the local dump truck people and they'll bring you that lovely red clay dirt that is ideal for spreading on your rocks and for planting the grass and ornate imported trees that are brought in from other parts of Mexico and will have a hard time surviving in this climate but that doesn't concern you, that's why you installed the irrigation/sprinkler system right? Let someone else worry about the depletion of Yucatan's sub-surface water supply! No matter that the clay will turn into a slippery gooey mess when it's wet and a rock-hard cracked surface when it's dry.

Once installed in your new dream home, you may contemplate your newly planted backyard and will appreciate the combined efforts of you and your architect and will not have all those pesky birds flying around. As a maintenance measure, it is also important to rake those leaves (more garbage) and grass clippings and dump them in the abandoned neighboring lot and perhaps once a month burn that too, so that there is no danger of any of that organic material rotting and becoming (EGADS) soil. That way, you can feel the satisfaction of having contributed to the gradual degradation of Yucatan's fragile ecosystem and minuscule soil base, as well as the gradual extinction of Yucatan's' already endangered fauna.

Well done!