By Essy (clare@thelovells.freeserve.co.uk)

The mechanoid listened intently as Master and Padawan tried to explain the mystical power that they thought was orchestrating the day's strange events.

"It has a light side an a dark side and it binds the galaxy together."

"Really sirs, this energy field of your sounds rather like duct tape."

The Jedi sighed in unison.

"If I hear that joke one more time, I'm going to turn to the dark side!"

"Obi Wan, please." The older Jedi made a face. "Must you?"

"I didn't mean to remind you of your first padawan, Master. Are you in need of comforting?"

Qui Gon brightened. "Yes. Yes, I am."

The two men hurried off, leaving Kryten talking to himself. "Well I thought it was quite funny!"

* * * * *

"So I'm dead then?"

To his credit, Dr Crowe seemed to be taking the news surprisingly well. Of course that may have had something to do with Han's hands which were engaged in an exploratory mission.

"Yeah."

"Hell of a time to spring it on me."

"I thought it might make it easier if you were distracted at the time."

"Well there's...mmmm! I mean, there's something to be said for that."

The pirate's fingers paused halfway through their ministrations.

"I didn't think you were allowed to stay though. Ghosts are only supposed to stick around if they have unfinished business."

Crowe smiled.

"Well, what do you call this?"

Han didn't respond. Talking was overrated.

* * * * *

"Al, I know you've rigged it somehow. If you keep messing with it like this you'll break it. I hate to think what one of these would cost."

"85%."

"Al, give me the...what was it?"

"A tricorder."

"Give me the tricorder."

Al stepped back. "Oh c'mon. Don't you want to keep reading the odds that you're gonna get some?"

"No, now let me have it!"

Al stepped back when Sam lunged for him and continued to read aloud the percentages flickering on the screen.

"90%."

Sam grabbed Al and began to wrestle for the gadget.

"96%, 98%."

Suddenly Al had fallen backwards and Sam was on top of him, holding the tricorder triumphantly. Al was just grinning at it. "Check it out kid, 100%."

* * * * *

by Ariana

Naomi Wildman was sitting in the captain's chair, and she was sulking. It just wasn't fair. All the adults were doing adult things she wasn't allowed to watch in Holodeck 1.

And all the other children, including Casper the ghost, were in the other Holodeck having fun they didn't want her to participate in because she had horns on her forehead and wasn't used to playing with other children. Her mother always said that life wasn't fair, but Naomi hadn't expected to be confronted with this reality so soon in her existence.

Still, with everyone else busy, she had the run of the ship, which was fun for all of five minutes. She'd beamed a pot of Neelix's leola root stew into space. She'd reprogrammed the computer to say "E-oh" when it came on. She'd put blue tack on Commander Chakotay's chair. But now she was bored and sitting in the captain's seat, kicking her heels and wishing something interesting would happen.

And then something did. Just as she was glowering at the viewscreen, the stars shimmered and then disappeared as a flying saucer materialised in front of her.

"Cool!" she said with a smile.

* * * * *

The Doctor was keeping a close eye on Seven. A very close eye, in fact. Particularly on her bottom. She really had a very appetising bottom, and the low lights in the Holodeck bar made it even more appealing.

Seven was studying her PADD, ostensibly working out how Arnold Rimmer's 'light bee' could be modified to give the semblance of solidity. Not that the Doctor could see the point; solidity wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Though he would definitely miss being able to touch things...

He watched as his own hand reached forward and cupped one of Seven's perfect buttocks.

"Doctor," she said in her deadpan voice. "Are you attempting to initiate a sexual experience with me?"

Embarrassed, the Doctor withdrew his hand. "Erm, no. I just thought I should give you an opportunity to revise your lessons in human interaction. Now, what would be the appropriate reaction to a man doing that to a woman?"

Seven frowned, giving that some thought. Then she pulled back her arm, clenching her fist, ready to punch him. The Doctor hastily lifted his hands.

"Yes, well, um, I think you learned that lesson quite well after all..."

This awkward moment was abruptly interrupted as the Holodeck went offline. The bar vanished, replaced by the hologrid. The lights came back on with full force. The ghosts and personal holograms disappeared. The floor was littered with the naked bodies of their bewildered living companion.

A tall black man in a black suit walked in, followed by four more 'suits', one of which was a red-haired woman.

"Okay, y'all pay some attention, here," said the black man, though he eyed the scene with some surprise. "I am Mr J, from the Men In Black alien management agency, and these are a few of my colleagues. Agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI, and Dulmer and Lucsly from Starfleet's Temporal Investigations."

"Mulder," said the redhead sotto voce to her companion, "I still think Dulmer and Lucsley's names sound familiar. I can't quite put my finger on it..."

Recovering his composure after his close encounter with Seven, the Doctor came forward.

"Temporal Investigation? I think we could do with some help from you people."

Dulmer -- or was it Lucsly? -- gave the Doctor a supercilious look. "So we g athered. We recorded the temporal anomaly some hours ago and it wasn't long before we were contacted by these 20th century people." He indicated the others.

"I knew something was wrong when my sister Samantha -- she's a ghost -- warned me that she was being attracted to a different place," said Mulder. "We were working on a different case with Mister... J here and he offered to help."

J nodded, though he was smirking at Seven. "The Acanabians from the planet Zorg soon confirmed that an alien known as 'Bob' was causing the disruption. They gave us a ship to trace the disruption..."

"...which is when we intercepted them for violating the space-time continuum," said Lucsly dourly.

"Just in the nick of time," said J with grin.

Lucsly and Dulmer's dour expression just got more gloomy. The Doctor got the feeling a sense of humour was not a requisite for Temporal Investigations agents.

"Once they explained what they had come to do, we decided to team up," continued Dulmer. "It isn't the first time 'Bob' has played around with time travel and parallel universes. In fact, 'Bob' is quite a menace from a temporal point of view. Worse than the Q and all the Enterprise captains put together. Though your Captain Janeway comes pretty close too."

"So what is your plan?" asked Seven. Nobody else was participating in the conversation; they were all too busy finding their clothes.

"Well, we've solved the mystery," said Mulder. "Just one thing left to do. Timothy Claypole?"

"Yes?" said someone in the crowd.

Scully pulled out his gun and shot him. The Doctor stared at her, struggling to understand what all this was about.

"We've negotiated a restoration of the space-time continuum with 'Bob'," explained Lucsly. "That was one of the conditions."

"And now, we're going to clean up this mess," said J jovially. He pulled out a little metallic stick. "Now, listen up! If y'all want to look this way..."

*FLASH*

* * * * *

Fred Mumford woke up back on the planet he had inhabited for three million years. It was really a beautiful planet, he thought as he opened his eyes. A planet which had always given him everything he wanted.

As he looked around at the lush countryside with its flowing stream and sloping hills, he noticed something unusual. But it was something that made him smile.

"Timothy?"

Timothy Claypole looked bewildered as Fred called his name, but then a smile appeared on his face as he saw his friend. They ran towards each other and embraced.

"Tim, how did you get here?" Although Fred's memory of the last few hours was vague, he was pretty sure Tim hadn't been there for the last three million years.

"I'm not sure. I'm dead... I think." Timothy closed his eyes and concentrated intensely. After a pause, he vanished from Fred's embrace.

"Yes, I'm definitely a ghost," Fred heard him say. Turning, he found that Timothy was standing behind him.

"Anyway, this looks like a nice place to be dead," said Timothy. "How long have you been here?"

"Three million years. Well, I travelled quite a bit too. I've been all over the universe."

"Blimey, you have to tell me all about it!"

"Yes, well..." Fred tried to remember all the things he had done in all that time. "...Where do I begin?"

================

Conclusion of "Where Do I Begin?"

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